*sigh*

*sigh*

sooo..... this summer is going really slow. and its my last summer before i have to get a job and face reality.... GOSH DARN IT. i want to go out...have fun..... enjoy it.... but instead i'm stuck at home and the summer is flying by.... >.< LOL so... boredom....

~peace

someone likes me!

omg i got a message from someone one the site i do my fan fic... some one likes it! yay~

okie... on to another! * trumpet*
~peace

loki fan-fic coming off.... HORRID

long time no talk...ok... so i saw the avengers movie FINALLY... and it was kick ass. just awesome <3 so i decided to do a fan fic, about who? Loki of coarse. but the stupid site i'm doing it on WON'T FRIGGIN WORK -__-

                                                    loki. that is all.

~peace

happy place

ever been told "go to your happy place" ? i have... and i just want to share ti a little bit.

Imagin a world where the whether is perfect, not too hot, not too cold, not to dry or too humid... and its either dusk or dawn, casting everything in a pretty cool or warm color. there are flowers everywhere, open field of just soft cool grass.... and you can run and dance and just be free. There is also a forest, with swirling mist... I run through the forest, my bare feet touching the ground and then in the air again. the trees almost seem to shift just to enhance my fun. I can swim in a waterfall and see anyone i wish. amermaid maybe, in the crystal water.... Or my  protector/teacher/friend?  the one that i know is always in the back of my mind?

Nature... with the sweetest music playing.... usually something by celtic woman... and its just all fun and peace....

If you haven't guessed, while in my happy place i am an elf, so i can hear the trees and animals... nature's voice...and comfort.. haha

weirded out yet? yes? ok then i think i'll leave you be. i'll just go to my happy place and escape this worlld for a moment :)

magical wishes

Ever wish you could be a magical creature? ever daydream you rode a dragon or unicorn? Well when i was little i use to ride a unicorn. She had pretty white hair, a rainbow horn, and big blue eyes.

When i was home i use to run around the house, daydreaming that i had magic or that i was a rock star. (still do sometimes, but SHHHH!!! lets not tell the world that ;) ) I would have power over fire or i would combine the 2 and pretend my singing could do things.

But one of my favorite things to dream... was being a mermaid. Or siren as some people see them. I would pretend i was one every time i got to go swimming... i was either a mermaid and i would splash and play and just enjoy the feel of the water, or i was human and i would swim with the merfolk. But i remember the feeling of just...peace... when in the water and wishing i could live in it. Just say "fuck you" to daily life and disappear under the waves into a world of beauty and mystery.

and that, my friends, is what i still long to do.

shame

well.... i have been busy lately (not that anyone cares), and i somehow ended up with a boyfriend. yup. a lesbian with a boyfriend. how did this happen? well, lets just say that i've been very insecure and lonley and down... and he was determined to make me give him a chance. He i sweet, romantic,....and nothing against him, but he is such a GIRL.  i'm female, yet i'm the boy in the relationship... which wouldn't be so bad if he was a girl.... and idk. To make things worse, i'm startuing to "lez out".

and when i say "lez out" i mean, my gay side is coming out, no matter how much i don't want it too. As with every boy  i have dated, things will go fine and then BOOM! i'll get hit with revulsion, not really at them, but at myself. thoughts like "how can i be doing this?" "what the hell is wrong with me?" and this time, i feel so much guilt and shame.

guilt that i'm going to hurt him. i tried to tell him i m gay, but he was so determined. why did i give in and give him a chance? no we both will get hurt. And he says he is "falling for me".... its only been a week. But i told him i'd give him a chance.... so i did. And i knoew what would happen, and its happening now. life is a bitch sometimes.

Shame. why do i feel shame? because of the guilt? because i'm dating a guy when i KNOW i'm gay. idk. but i feel ashamed to say i have a boyfriend. i don't like how it sounds. and that everyone can see i have a boyfriend and they think i'm just a liar...that my being gay was just a show, when i know its not. Me dating this guy... if anything is more of a show of me trying to feel normal..and i just feel....so much fucking shame... :/

why was i born gay?

First off i want to say that i am very grateful. VERY grateful to my divine lord and lady for giving me this life. Although i chose the "what" in my life before i was actually born into this life, they chose the "who","when","where" "why", and "how". And now i want to know, why was i born gay? Although i am proud of being gay, i play the hand i was given, it makes my life a hell of a lot harder. I can't have a boyfriend like all of my friends, and if i think a boy is cute (i can find them attractive but i'm not attracted) it won't matter because i won't want to be with him sexually. for example, there is a guy in my math class named John. I think he is mildly cute, he is an ass, but he has his sweet moments. But none of that is relevant since i can't date him, why? i'm gay  -_-...  Why did this happen?  Given my surroundings i am  very lonely and i feel alienated. It sucks. Again i say: i am VERY grateful, and i know my god and goddess chose this for a reason.... i just wish i knew what it was. :/

~peace.

original lyrics...

Let roses bleed blue

and the violets scream red

all that i have done

now feels so dead.

No longer feeling it

around or in my head

now alone i can't cry

i just hold  my breath

Do i reach out, out so desperate

Do i risk the disapointing fall?

Knowing that i can't, no matter what i want

Do you know how much i long for it all...

I know you are there please hear my cries

let me know i'm not alone

help me to see with my heart, not my eyes
and to learn to stand on my own

I need to feel you please my dear

I know i'm cutting you off

I don't know what to do

i long for your touch so soft...

The ginger smells sweet with ice you can bake

love stay by me for i don't know what i can take
Steering off my coarse, i feel so lost
help me back to find my way

I know you are there  please hear my cries

let me know i'm not alone

Do i reach out,out so desperatley

Do i risk the devastating fall?

No longer feeling it around or in my head
Knowing that i can't, no matter what i want
screaming now inside my head help me  before i fal,
do you even care that i call?

so let the roses bleed blue

and violets scream red.

sooooooooo...

watcha think?

~peace

beauty and the beast

Every beauty has a beast within... and everyone is a beast, beauty just happens.

~peace

The amendment passes

Alright... so the stupid amendment passed. But although it hurs like hell and it makes me truly sad that the place i live has such passion for discrimination, i can't let it get me down. I can't show how upset i am, i have to keep my head up. Because if i smile and laugh as if it is nothing, all the people who think that they can get under my skin, leave me alone. They prey on the weak, and i need to show i am not weak. There is always hope and i refuse to let my pain show. Plus i want tobe seen as a leader, to the other gay kids. Since i am out and proud, i think i have met a few others who have not come out, but the one i did meet that has, she is scared and she needs someone to look up to. I need to be strong for others to see and follow. If we are all strong, nothing can stop us.

~peace

fear gets the best of everyone

"And where once you had the freedom to object, think, and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillence coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well, certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you..." - V from V is for Vendetta

I swear this man <3

V is one of my all time Heroes. what he has to say can teach EVERYONE something, no matter where or how you live.

don't let others get you down!

How would your life be different if you stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the dayYou stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others. 36 up, 9 down    Steve Maraboli

do try or not to try...

Alright... well through a friend of my best friend i met a girl. And i have only met her once, but man... we had chemistry. And through talking with her i found out that she is perfectly fine with me being pagan and won't be freaked out with me talking about spiritual stuff. She was perfectly fine and even found it interesting when i talked about my matron goddess (Bastet). I have talked to her a few times through facebook, but idk if i should do something. She lives a good bit away from me, and she is VERY quiet and shy. I'm looking for someone who is outgoing and confident, but she is really sweet and cute. What do i do ?

realizing my fear...

So... Since i'm trying to figure this whole blog thing out... i'm just gonna talk. Last night i figured out one of my biggest issues. I'm afraid of failure and disappointing people. Especially when it comes to my SG (spirit guide; who i was told is actually an elf, which once you get to know me, makes PERFECT sense), i tried to make an energy ball once, and failed... and i can't see or hear him, so i don't try any more... i don't really try new things spiritually because i'm afraid.  So i have decided to try new things.. blogging for instance ;)

i've also decided that i will try again at energy work and try to learn to be Clairvoyant. I will start to actually try... to get past this fear of failure. Wish me luck?

food for thought

"you don't have to see everything you believe in,because many of your greatest experiences happen with closed eyes."  - Elly Erlingsdottir


To me this is one of the best quotes i have ever heard... What do you think of it?

Amendment 1...

Well if you don't know there is a new amendment coming to NC's state constitution that defines marriage as between one man and one woman. This prevents same sex couples from getting married. This is unnecessary because there is already a law preventing it and it will also harm unwed heterosexual couples.   now i have a long rant with this and i might post that later, but i just want to ask, why does the government have to meddle in people's personal lives? i don't get why it became an issue with the gov. in the first place :/

i mean seriously, whats the point? when the government meddle people get pissed... *sigh*
~peace

first things first...

"Blogs are known for their casual writing and unpredictable subject material" well to start out i want to introduce myself. i am a sophomore and i am very easy to entertain. I plan to use this blog to tell about my spiritual findings, spells, songs, or such that i find. Maybe a bit of poetry? I want to use it to make my voice heard, even if its just by at least on person. this is my first blog, so i apologize if they suck for a little bit. I just gatta find my floooooooow~~
~peace