Monday, December 8, 2025

Spell re-do

1. Rose

2. White wax and hair and cologne

3. Drops of color (teal, pink, black)

4. Sigil

5. White wax and my hair

6. Lavender oil and thyme

Seal it.

Relocation

Okay so with 2 dogs it will be trickier to relocate - which it sounds like Charlie is def getting the promotion so we now need to take seriously. In Wisconsin ESA letters you exceed pet limits

Various complexes - 3 bed 2 bath (yay temple room)

$1800 -- FULL deposit. ew.
https://www.realestatespl.com/listings/detail/85838aec-ed69-42ed-9b5f-ec25c15f9918
^ will have to check on availability:

https://www.realestatespl.com/vacancies?city=Jefferson%2CJohnson+Creek&maxPrice=2000&beds=2%2C3&pets=Dogs

Laundry room and garage
42 min commute for me/ 31 min commute for Charlie
Touring Thursday 12/18

Lake County Villiage - 2 bed, 2 bath + loft ~~and utility room~~ (temple)

$2010
https://www.apartments.com/lake-country-village-apartments-oconomowoc-wi/d07m7nk/
Dog park
nature trails
55 min commute for me / 25 minute commute for Charlie
Touring 12/18

Monterey apartments - Two Bed 1.5 ~~Bath A with Den~~ (temple)

$ 1600-1700
https://www.apartments.com/monterey-apartments-waukesha-wi/yrnqvfs/
Dog park and pool
$500 Deposit
HOTTUB
1 hr 3 min commute for me/ 15 minute commute for Charlie
touring thursday 12/18

River Park - 2 bed 2 bath + large loft! (might as well be a 3 bed) -- temple and dance space! good for dogs)

$ 1700-1800?
https://riverparkluxuryapts.com/apartment-floor-plans/
https://www.apartments.com/river-park-apartments-oconomowoc-wi/j0mb9y5/
unsure if pets allowed in the loft units
gas fireplace!
57 min commute for me/ 26 minute commute for charlie
no tour yet... they are full so they won't do it?

2 bed 2 bath lofts -- delafield and hartland. Several options

$2000
https://delafieldwoods.com/available-listings
$500 deposit
Delafield: 57 min commute for me/ 20 min commute for Charlie
Hartland: 1hr 4 min commute for me / 15 min commute for charlie

Alternatives in Johnson Creek:

The Ponds

2 bedroom 2 bath - $1800

https://www.wisconsinapartments.biz/listings/detail/8b8bda68-c483-436a-923d-8c15d825f205
Turn "Hall" into shrine area and place dining rable right behind the counter?

2 bed 2 bath WITH DEN - $2050

LARGE den --> temple AND hobby room/wood burning?

Full laundry room
Full dining room
Heat included

Rock Creek - $1550 - $1750

2 bed 2 bath - some with 1 car and others with 2 car garage
https://www.wisconsinapartments.biz/listings/detail/1d8ebf27-a397-4eda-b2d3-387635f9e8a8
Walk in closet big enough to maybe make it a temple. Get portable closet for bedroom.
No designated dining area

My friend gave me his new years ritual and I actually really love it! Make a list of 10 goals you want for the next year, put them on slips of paper, and randomly select and bur one starting on winter solstice. You should have a single one left for new years and that is your new years resolution for the year!

Lower Body composition fat %
write my medicine story
Read 1 book FOR FUN every other month (6 for the year)
Find a way to set up a temple in my home - something totally separate from sleeping area.
pay off all negative debt

Friday, November 21, 2025

possibilities

If he gets it....

Jefferson/Johnson creek area

https://www.realestatespl.com/vacancies?city=Jefferson%2CJohnson+Creek

multiple properties

~~https://www.riversideloftapartments.com/Floor-plans.aspx~~

~~3 bed 2 bath~~ -- income restricted

https://www.realestatespl.com/vacancies?city=Ixonia%2CJefferson%2CJohnson+Creek%2COconomowoc

Multiple properties

name - his work/my work (rounded to the nearest 5 min) - in rush hour traffic

Lake mills

https://horizonapartmenthomes.com/property/summer-ridge-luxury-apartments-in-lake-mills-wi/

has a dog park!

https://www.apartments.com/summer-ridge-lake-mills-wi/j4lnmr5/

has a dog park!
no dining room - would have to get ride of the table depending on floor plant
all <1800

Waterloo - 50 min/45

https://meadowbrook.stevebrownapts.com/waterloo-wi-apartments/meadowbrook-apartments/conventional/

watertown - 45 min /1 hour

https://www.apartments.com/hillcrest-apartments-watertown-wi/lm7j1wg/
https://www.apartments.com/watertown-wauwatosa-wi/m5zpb4j/

Ixonia - 50 min /1 hr
Sullivan - 35 min /1hr

https://www.apartments.com/210-cardinal-dr-sullivan-wi/jg637c5/

hellenville - 40 min/1 hr
jefferson - 50 min/50 min

free heat: https://www.apartments.com/meadow-springs-jefferson-wi/rk7pd33/
https://www.accmanagementgroup.com/properties/property.php?propertyid=170

Fort Atkinson - 50min /50 min
delafield - 20 / 55 min

https://delafieldlakes.com/floor-plans-units/
https://www.blakecapitalcorp.com/apartments/wi/nashotah/parquelynn-village-apartments/floor-plans#/?beds=2
https://delafieldwoods.com/

Heartland - 20 / 1 hr

https://www.morgenson.com/apartments/hartland-wi/country-aire/

free heat!

https://login-pre-3.securecafe.com/onlineleasing/summit-lake-0/floorplans.aspx
https://www.apartments.com/steeple-view-apartments-hartland-wi/ndwexdm/
single family homes for rent!!!

concord - 30/50 min
farmington 35/50 min
wales - 20 min/ 1 hr

https://www.apartments.com/lincolnshire-place-wales-wi/kt5tp8c/

Summit - 30 /55 minutes
Rome - 40 min/1 hr
Oconomowoc - 26 minutes /1 hr

https://www.accmanagementgroup.com/properties/property.php?propertyid=129
https://www.apartments.com/lincolnshire-place-wales-wi/kt5tp8c/
https://www.apartments.com/worthington-apartments-oconomowoc-wi/c3e8kkg/
https://riverparkluxuryapts.com/
https://www.apartments.com/whitman-place-apartments-oconomowoc-wi/smz1pf7/
https://www.apartments.com/lake-country-village-apartments-oconomowoc-wi/d07m7nk/

Security deposit is only $500 or $1000
~~NO RESTRICTIONS on pets!~~
has a dog park!
l smaller bedroom has additional loft space! (could put my desk/office there!)
~~loft connects to a storage area... that could be turned into temple!!!!!!~~
Has storage unit on the patio
but its 2010; little over budget and would likely take me bout 1 hr 15 to make it home

hebron -
slabtown -
ebenezer -

Other possibilities to consider.... just over an hour (for me).

https://www.wimmercommunities.com/apartments/wi/pewaukee/oakton-beach/floorplans?Beds=2&MaxRent=2000
https://www.apartments.com/stone-creek-apartments-waukesha-wi/360b07g/

I actually really like this one

https://www.apartments.com/springs-at-meadowbrook-waukesha-wi/2tvztn9/

The Grand overlook floor plan... master bedroom is large enough for both of us; the second bedroom could be the hobyroom and the closet may work as a Mini temple!

https://www.apartments.com/monterey-apartments-waukesha-wi/yrnqvfs/

Floor plan 2 bed 1.5 bath - WITH A DEN = temple and school room!
has a dog park!
possibly no pet restrictions?
waiting on price

Thursday, November 20, 2025

Ecstatic Journey - analysis needed

Guided Portion:

"You find yourself floating in the void, the blackness like a womb - warm and safe. Let it surround you in comfort and love. You are not alone here and you are safe, surrounded by those who protect and support you. Notice now, a light shining a little bit aways, an opening in the void. Begin to approach it, noticing that as you move closer your physical body is feeling heavy. Your breathing is steady but you are moving deeper into your spirit, your body left to rest. You are so very light as you move towards the opening in the void, the light beckoning to you. Once you reach it and step through, you find yourself in a clearing.

Perhaps it is a sacred grove, surrounding you with trees. Perhaps it is a prairie, with tall grasses dancing in the wind. Maybe it is a beach with flowing waves or a bonfire with graceful flames. Whatever place greets you, let this be your resting place. Should you find yourself overwhelmed, you can return to this place at any time. Let it be your anchor. You are welcome to invite any guides or companions to join you here, perhaps they were already here and waiting for you.

The air around you starts to buzz as a portal opens, a doorway that invites you forward. Crossing this threshold you will begin the journey. What is it that is holding you back that you must release? What gifts are waiting for you to accept? What transitions and transformations are needed for you to move forward towards your highest good? When you are ready, enter the portal and begin your journey. "

My Journey:

As I glance around the bonfire, not seeing anyone with me but knowing my ancestors are there in the shadows, I prepare to step through the portal. The twilight sky is growing darker, the scent of the fire wrapping around me like a cloak. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes, and step into the doorway made of starlight. For a moment I don’t open my eyes, I just float there, wherever I have landed; I ask, to Sprit, “What do I need to release or take on in order to embrace the path that leads to utter happiness? What transformation is needed?” When I open my eyes I am greeted by a world of pastels.

Before me is a small clearing in a prairie of grasses, a HUGE moon sits in a light blue sky - as if the day and night had combined. I step forward, short stemmed wild flowers grow from each step, until I hear something in the grass. Crouching down I try to peer through the stems of flowers, stalks of grass, until I catch the glimpse of some animal. At first I think it is a chipmunk, but it seems to then grow longer, reminding me of a ferret, but not quite. Mink? Weasel? It moves so fast I can’t quite confirm.

I am familiar with rabbit medicine, but not weasel. Determined to follow it I reach out to snake - the rattlesnake that has been a power animal as of late. I feel myself shrink and then I am suddenly gliding through the grass after the long rodent, intent to follow although I remind myself despite the small growing desire to hunt, this is not my prey. Whoever this creature is, they are presenting a lesson. The sensation of the grass against my scales as I dance through them is exquisite. For a moment I taste freedom - there is no fear, there is just the feral joy of moving at full speed through the natural world around me.

I catch a glimpse of the creature’s tail as it scurries away. “Wait!” I call out but it does not falter. I feel myself grow smaller, my head rounding, as I leave the predator behind and feel myself take the form of a grass snake. Perhaps as a non threatening inhabitant it will allow me to approach. Only now, I feel too small. This form is not right either. I catch sight of rabbit dashing away as I try to take in my surroundings, curling in on myself defensively. Before I can allow myself to try to find a better form the world around me changes.

Suddenly I am a fish, traveling through a creek or a river - jumping over stones and riding the current of rapids. There is no fear. There is excitement with every leap. There is preparedness as I brace to fall back into the water. Past the rapids I know there are predators, bears or something else, but I still feel no fear. I move to the thicker part of the stream, away from the shallows with the beautiful rocks. I do not fight the current as I dive deeper, suddenly pulled towards a whirlpool. I am not alone as I make my way towards its spiraling waters - there is a mer beside me. Her tail a shimmering pattern of rusty gold and algae, her skin a pale blueish green with flowing tangles of brown hair. She dives so assuredly I do not hesitate to follow her lead, my tail no longer moving side to side as I mimic her pumps and strength.

I look forward once more and the green waters of the river have changed to that of the glowing blue of the open ocean. The whirlpool moves farther away, it is in the distance yet I know I cannot catch up. I can no longer see the mermaid but I can feel her near, somewhere swimming around me. “What is it that you have to tell me?” - “Come” the response floats to me in my mind. “Where?” I see nothing, no directions, no clue of what comes next. I see a hand reach out and I pump my tail to propel me forward, arm outstretched to take it. I do not expect the embrace I am pulled into. It is passionate and I melt into the freedom I taste in her kiss.

Suddenly I am alone, the water turning murky. My tail is gone, mortal legs now kick weekly as I move towards the surface of the water. When I reach it, I look around for clues as to what comes next but all around me is open water and a rocky coast with no one else to answer. I move to my back, floating on the surface and just letting the sun coat my skin. I stay there, floating on the lightly flowing current, and wait. Peaceful.

When I open my eyes again I am back at the campfire. The fire rages in full, the dark night illuminated and casting me in its warmth. I am forever safe here. My ancestors guard me and my guides watch with love. I listen to the music from out of the journey and I let my feet move me into a dance of swirls and spirals. I dance like I did as a child, somehow suddenly draped in flowing uneven cloth. As if a flower falling from a tree in the wind, I circle and flow like air around the fire. Slowing, I falter and kneel beside the fire.

Staring into its core I ask my ancestors: “What is it I need to embrace? What changes need to occur to move towards a future of bliss, happiness, and love?” “Let it go” the fire seems to whisper to me. I dig into my chest and pull out a red thread - the binds that tie me to my job. Without hesitation I cut it and toss it into the fire. There is more, so I dig into my chest again and this time an oily, slick, thick black thread is in my hand - my fear, feelings of doubt and unworthiness. I use a rock this time and sever the thread, throwing it in the fire. I watch it melt into the hot coals with a hiss. I then reach into the fire, scooping up a pile of ash into my cupped hands. There is a seed in my heart that Mama Cacao planted, it needs nourishment. “This ash is nutrients, it has been transmuted, and I will take that change into myself to grow the love inside me. Let it grow in strength, fostering self love, devotion, the courage and energy it takes to put forth effort for my own sake.” I swallow the ash, it pours smoothly down my throat as if it was water. The growing green seed in my chest planted by Momma Cacao surrounded and given food.

Suddenly feeling unsure and feeling an ache in my chest, perhaps at the emptiness from where the chords that bound me had been hiding, I decide to leave the journey prematurely. I open my eyes, grounding myself in my body with deep breaths and moving my limbs.

-------------------------------

Weasle Medicine/Meaning:

Fish Medicine/Meaning:

Uniting theme of having no fear and feeling empowered to move forward

Mermaids typically represent femininity.

Emphasis on the element of Water:

Debt Math

Okay. I paid off the last of my sugery balance from my savings.

I need to put $1000 in savings from this and where I had to dip into it last month.

I can put $600 from my november bonus towards that, leaving only $400.

Debt:

~~Owed to savings: $400 - to be paid Dec 26~~
USAA CC 1: $1108 -> $300 to pay Nov 26
USAA CC2: $377 -> pay $100 Monthly -- This is my GYM only card.
Sams CC: $946 --> Pay $50 monthly
Advia Loan: $ 5199 ---> 450 to be paid monthly
USAA Car: $6691.23 --> $380 to be paid monthly.
NEW Medical Bill: 957 --> $80 to be paid monthly on the 2nd.

Ive got $3.5K coming in February from financial aid. Need to pay off lowest to highest.

$1K go to personal Loan. auto.
Pay off GYM CC as that will be the lowest balance (Most likely about $500)
Pay off SAMs CC $1K as it is highest interest & second lowest balance. (hide card after.)
Pay off Medical Debt as that is third lowest. (about $700)
Remaining (about $300) will go to savings.

Any return from taxes will go to savings and USA CC 1.

Tuesday, November 18, 2025

Presentation for class tonight

Link for music and waves:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUnN0jILbmQ&list=RDVUnN0jILbmQ&start_radio=1

Words to pull up:

https://bardicsong.wordpress.com/lyrics/maiden-the-selkie/

Hey everyone, please click the link in the chat to go ahead and open the ambient sound that will need to play in the background in case there are any ads.

This could be used for a variety of rituals depending on which aspect of the story is focused on, such as a right of passage or handfasting or engagement celebration. I will be presenting it in a right of passage context, so the theme to focus on is the willingness for different characters to change and accept new states of being, so that they can move forward in life towards happiness.

This is actually a folksong but after testing the singing vs reciting as a poem with some friends, they said it had more power being recited as a poem. I can always drop the link to the song if anyone wants to hear it.

"Once a fair and handsome seal-lord lay his foot upon the sand

For to woo the fisher's daughter and to claim her marriage hand.

"I have come in from the ocean, I have come in from the sea,

And I'll not go to the waves, love, lest ye come along with me."

"Lord, long have I loved you as a selkie on the foam.

"I would gladly go and wed ye and be Lady of your home

But I cannot go into the ocean, I cannot go into the sea.

I would drown beneath your waves, love, if I went along with ye."

"Lady, long have I loved you: I would have you for my wife.

I shall stay upon your shoreland though it robs me of my life.

I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea,

I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me."

"Lord, I cannot go and wed thee all to watch my lover die!

Since I'll not be left a widow I have a plan for us to try:

Let us speak with my grandmother who's ever dwelt beside the sea.

She may know some trick or treasure that I may wed my fair selkie."

So they've gone to her grandmother's little cottage by the sea

To inquire how a maiden can be wed to her selkie.

For the selkie's watery kingdom would surely rob her of her breath

But to stay on land past midnight, it would surely be his death.

"Lord, I know not how to aid you – you may never live on shore.

For your kind to live 'til dawning has ne'er been seen before.

But my mother had a seal-coat that she buried 'neath a tree

For she told me that its wearer would become a fair selkie."

So they've journeyed farther inland though the seal-lord's getting weak

And she's shouldering the shovel to unearth the thing they seek.

At the rising of the full moon underneath the elfin oak

She's unearthed that very treasure of which her grandmother spoke.

at the stroke of midnight they have made it back to sea

And she's donned that magic seal-coat and become a maid selkie.

Now they've gone into the ocean, hand in hand into the sea,

She has gone along -- a fair seal-bride for her selkie"

Monday, November 17, 2025

ACtual Meals to choose from - heart healthy but not as rigid

Keeping in mind: ~1650 calories/day; keeping it LDL-lowering + diabetes-preventive, with high fiber, high protein, and healthy fats; Starting the day off with a 30g Protien shake for breakfast (160 cal), and occasionally having an alottment of 300kcal for dessert.

Actual Recipes we would probably be doing keeping in mind that recipes chat gpt came up with - keeping in mind it should be 1/4 meat, 1/4 starch, and 1/2 veggies. (for me. Charlie can do however he likes since he burns way more calories than me)

- Tueky Meat Loaf, baked sweet potato, and greenbeans
- Lean Steak Dinner (smaller cut) with Roasted Veggies & Mashed Potatoes
- Roast or Beef Stew (Swap Potatoes for cauliflower or turnip to lower carb), carrots, and greenbeans
- Leak and Potatoe Soup (do half potoato and half cauliflower; broth & greek yogurt instead of half&half for the soup base)
- Taco Tuesday (Chicken or Ground Turkey Taco Bowls)
- Taco Tuesday (Fish Tacos, Chips, Salsa, & Elote style corn)
- Grilled Marinated Chicken, Tabbouli salad, Hummus with pretzel crisps
- Chicken Hummus Wraps (cucumber, spinach, microgreens, shredded carrot)
- Baked Salmon & Salad Mix
- "Mary Me" Gnocci
- Spaghetti Squash “Pasta” Bowl (Healthy Comfort Style)
- Stuffed Acorn Squash with Chicken & Chickpeas
- Lentil or Black Bean Meatballs served over Kraft Mac & Cheese (semi cheat meal)
- Gnocci & Chicken (with a roux) over rice -- Charlie’s chicken and dumplings
- Chicken & Chickpea salad bowl & roasted veggies
- Lemon pepper fish with balsalmic glazed carrots & asparagus
- Pork Chops with a mango chutney, Sauteed Brussel Sprouts (olive oil not butter)
- Shrimp stirfry (brocoli, bell peppers, onions, carots)
- Butter Chicken (sauce from a jar) & Rice
- Tuna salad wraps, cottage cheese, fruit, and carrots
- Cilantro Lime Salmon, Roasted Zuccini & Asparagus
- Stuffed Bell Peppers (using turkey not beef) and mashed potatos
- Baked Chicken, Salad Mix, and a sweet treat
- Gnocchi + turkey sausage + roasted veggies + light cream sauce
- Chicken Stir fry (with udon noodles and veggie mix)
- Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup
- Marinated Pork Loin with zuccini and corn
- Breakfast sandwhich (Protein Pancakes, sausage patty) and hashbrowns
- Breakfast Casserole (no egg): vegetarian egg substitute, turkey sausage, onions and pepper mix, shredded hasbrowns, ricotta cheese, shredded chedar cheese, soy bacon bits
- "Sushi bowls" - shrimp, immitation crab, homemmade yum yum sauce, microgreens, cucumber, mango/mandarine oranges/pinapple, avacado, and rice.
- Chicken Kabob with peppers and onions. Served with chickpea salad and blueberries/rasberries
- beef tip Kabob with peppers and onions. Served with hummus, carrots, and stuffed grape leaves
- Lemon and Caper White Fish with veggies (acorn squash?) and cous cous
- Marinated Pork Chop/Chicken and spaghetti squash
Healthier pizzas for Fridays/ dinner with Druid
Cheat night: order out, date night, or out on adventure and watch what’s available

Snacks to pack in lunchboxes:

- 1/2 cup cottage cheese

- cup of yogurt

- apple and nuts

- apple and penut buuter

- Roasted Chicpeas

- handfulls of nuts

- Celery and Penut butter

- veggies and hummus

- cheese sticks

- applesauce

Things to keep in stock at home:

- stir fry mixes

- Frozen chicken breasts

- ground turkey

- frozen salmon filets

- tilapia filets

- pepper and onion mixes

- Fresh peppers, carrots, and celery

- hummus

- spinach wraps

- tzaziki sauce

- Big bowl of salad mix

Hypothetical Routine

Monday

Gym day
need protien - Chix or Pork

Tuesday

Class
Taco Tuesday (Mex/Latin inspired meal) - Fish, ground turkey

Wednesday

Gym - Chicken Meal

Thursday

Class
Fish Meal or Vegetarian Meal?

Friday

Gym
Dinner with Druids or Pizza (Theres actually a lot of healthy pizza recipes we can make!)

Saturday

Fish or Cheat day~

Sunday

MEAL PREP
Chx or Pork?

Healthy recipes for Dessert searches:

Chocolate or Fruit flavors
No egg - allergy
Base: Chickpea, cottage cheese, Overnight Oats, Tofu, avacados, chia seeds, black beans (brownies), Greek Yogurt

Week Meal plan example.

Well. My doctor won't prescribe me a statin until my HDL gets over 160; currently its at 130. So Going on the medetteranian diet was her reccomendation for "treatment".

Here's an example of a week meal plan I used chat gpt to helo come up with (for examples).

***Charlie burns WAY MORE calories than I do each day so naturally his portions will be bigger than mine. He can also eat more snacky snacky foods.

***If I decide to use chat gpt to come up with more menus; this is the details: "create a full 7-day egg-free Mediterranean-style meal plan at ~1650 calories/day, keeping it LDL-lowering + diabetes-preventive, with high fiber, high protein, and healthy fats. also include snacks and approximate macros for each day. Using our preferred proteins (hicken breast, salmon/fish, ground turkey, lean pork chops/loin) and adding in chickpea, while being mostly bean free and totoally quinoa and egg free. Does not require a blender."

🌿 7-Day Plan — Dessert-for-Dinner Version (~1650 kcal/day)

Day 1

Lunch — 500 kcal

Chicken breast, 5 oz (225)
1 cup roasted broccoli & carrots (50)
1 medium baked sweet potato (150)
1 tbsp olive oil (120)

Snack #1 — 120 kcal

1 medium apple + 10g almonds

Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal

Overnight Chocolate-Chia Mousse:
- ½ cup oats (150)
- ½ cup Greek yogurt (60–70)
- 1 tbsp chia (60)
- 1 tsp cocoa powder
- 1 tsp honey
- 10g walnuts
Optional: 5–10g 70% dark chocolate pieces

Snack #2 — 100 kcal

½ cup cottage cheese

Day 2

Lunch — 500 kcal

Salmon fillet, 5 oz (300)
1 cup roasted zucchini & bell peppers (100)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)

Snack #1 — 120 kcal

1 medium pear + 10g walnuts

Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal

Dark Chocolate Oat Brownie:
- ½ cup oats (150)
- 1 tbsp almond butter (90)
- 1 tsp cocoa powder
- ¼ cup unsweetened applesauce (25)
- ½ tsp honey
- 10g dark chocolate pieces

Snack #2 — 100 kcal

½ cup Greek yogurt

Day 3

Lunch — 500 kcal

Ground turkey stir fry, 5 oz (250)
1 cup green beans & carrots (50)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)

Snack #1 — 120 kcal

1 medium apple + 10g almonds

Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal

Peanut Butter Banana Oat Bowl:
- ½ cup oats (150)
- ¼ banana, mashed
- 1 tbsp peanut butter (90)
- 1 tbsp chia seeds (60)
- ½ cup Greek yogurt (60–70)
- Sprinkle of cocoa powder or cinnamon

Snack #2 — 100 kcal

½ cup cottage cheese

Day 4

Lunch — 500 kcal

Lean pork loin chop, 5 oz (220)
1 cup roasted Brussels sprouts & carrots (100)
1 medium baked potato (150)
1 tbsp olive oil (120)

Snack #1 — 120 kcal

1 small pear + 10g walnuts

Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal

Chocolate-Chia Mousse or Dark Chocolate Oat Brownie (same recipes as Days 1–2)

Snack #2 — 100 kcal

½ cup Greek yogurt

Day 5

Lunch — 500 kcal

Chicken breast, 5 oz (225)
1 cup roasted cauliflower & carrots (50)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)

Snack #1 — 120 kcal

1 medium apple + 10g almonds

Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal

Overnight Chocolate-Chia Mousse with optional dark chocolate pieces

Snack #2 — 100 kcal

½ cup cottage cheese

Day 6

Lunch — 500 kcal

Salmon fillet, 5 oz (300)
1 cup roasted zucchini & bell peppers (100)
1 medium baked sweet potato (150)
1 tbsp olive oil (120)

Snack #1 — 120 kcal

1 medium pear + 10g walnuts

Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal

Peanut Butter Banana Oat Bowl with ½ cup Greek yogurt

Snack #2 — 100 kcal

½ cup Greek yogurt

Day 7

Lunch — 500 kcal

Ground turkey stir fry, 5 oz (250)
1 cup roasted broccoli & carrots (50)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)

Snack #1 — 120 kcal

1 medium apple + 10g almonds

Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal

Dark Chocolate Oat Brownie or Chocolate-Chia Mousse

Snack #2 — 100 kcal

½ cup cottage cheese

✅ Notes

Dessert at night replaces breakfast — you’re still getting fiber, protein, and healthy fats.
Protein at lunch remains 25–35g for glucose control.
Chickpeas are included only if texture is tolerated; otherwise, stick to vegetables and proteins.
Calorie range remains ~1650 kcal/day.
Optional: 10-minute walk after dessert can help reduce glucose spikes.

Grocery List would look like:

🛒 Grocery List — Dessert-at-Night Plan

Protein

Chicken breasts: 5–6 (4–5 oz per serving)
Ground turkey: 3–4 (5 oz per serving)
Salmon fillets: 4–5 (5 oz per serving)
Lean pork chops/loin: 3–4 (5 oz per serving)
Greek yogurt (plain, unsweetened): ~5 cups (for dessert & snacks)
Cottage cheese: ~3 cups (for snacks)

Chickpeas (Optional)

Canned or cooked chickpeas: ~1–2 cups total (½ cup per serving if desired)

Vegetables (mix and match for roasting or steaming)

Broccoli: 3–4 cups
Cauliflower: 3–4 cups
Zucchini: 3–4 cups
Bell peppers (red, yellow, green): 4–5 cups
Carrots: 3–4 cups
Brussels sprouts: 2–3 cups
Tomatoes (cherry or regular): 2–3 cups
Cucumbers: 2–3

Fruits

Apples: 7
Pears: 3–4
Berries (blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, blackberries): ~4–5 cups
Bananas: 2–3 small (for peanut butter banana oat bowls)

Carbs / Grains

Oats (rolled or old-fashioned): ~4 cups
Brown rice: 2–3 cups uncooked
Potatoes (white or sweet): 7 medium (1 per day)

Nuts & Seeds

Almonds: ~70g (~2.5 oz)
Walnuts: ~50–60g
Pecans (optional): ~20g
Chia seeds: ~7 tbsp
Flax seeds: ~7 tbsp
Almond butter / peanut butter: ~5–6 tbsp

Fats / Cooking Oils

Olive oil: ½ cup (~8 tbsp) for roasting, salads, cooking

Chocolate / Sweeteners

Dark chocolate (70% cacao or higher): ~50g for dessert toppings
Honey or pure maple syrup: small amounts (used sparingly, ½–1 tsp per dessert)

Herbs, Spices, Extras

Cinnamon
Cocoa powder
Vanilla extract (optional)
Lemon juice / fresh lemon
Fresh or dried herbs: parsley, oregano, thyme, basil
Salt & pepper

Tips for Stress-Free Prep

Batch cook proteins – roast chicken, turkey, or pork for 2–3 days at a time.
Roast vegetables in big trays – saves 10–15 minutes per meal.
Cook rice in bulk – store in fridge for 2–3 days.
Desserts – can prep overnight chocolate-chia mousse or oat brownies in single-serve jars to grab at night.
Keep nuts and fruit handy – easy snack additions.

🕒 1-Hour Weekly Prep Schedule — Dessert-at-Night Plan

Prep Goals

Cook all proteins for 2–3 days at a time
Roast/steam veggies for multiple meals
Cook rice for multiple meals
Pre-portion desserts for the week
Portion snacks (nuts, fruit, yogurt)

Sunday (or prep day) — 1 Hour

Step 1: Proteins (20–25 min)

Chicken breasts: 3–4 breasts → season with olive oil, herbs, salt, pepper → bake at 400°F (200°C) for 20–25 min
Ground turkey: 1 lb → sauté with olive oil, garlic, herbs → portion into 5 oz servings
Salmon fillets: 2–3 fillets → bake at 375°F (190°C) for 12–15 min → portion
Lean pork chops/loin: 2–3 pieces → season → bake at 400°F (200°C) for 20–25 min → portion

Step 2: Vegetables (15–20 min)

Chop and roast in 2 large trays:
- Broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, carrots, bell peppers, Brussels sprouts
- Drizzle with 1–2 tbsp olive oil, salt, pepper, herbs
- Roast at 400°F (200°C) for 20–25 min
Steam or microwave extra veggies if needed for lunch bowls

Step 3: Carbs (10 min)

Brown rice: cook 2–3 cups uncooked → store in fridge
Potatoes: bake 7 medium potatoes → store in fridge

Step 4: Desserts (10–15 min)

Prepare overnight chocolate-chia mousse or oat brownies in single-serve jars or containers:
- ½ cup oats + ½ cup Greek yogurt + chia + cocoa + honey + nuts
- Portion 7 servings for the week → store in fridge

Step 5: Snacks (5 min)

Portion nuts: 10g per small bag or container (7 servings)
Portion fruit: apples, pears, berries for quick grab
Portion cottage cheese / Greek yogurt for snack servings

Daily “Grab & Go”

Lunch: Take pre-cooked protein + roasted veggies + rice/potato → reheat 3–5 min
Snack #1: Grab portioned apple/pear + nuts
Dessert (Dinner): Grab pre-portioned oat dessert → eat slowly, optionally followed by 10-min walk
Snack #2: Grab pre-portioned cottage cheese or Greek yogurt

✅ Tips to Keep It Easy

Store everything in clear labeled containers in fridge.
Reheat proteins & veggies in the oven, microwave, or skillet quickly.
Desserts stay fresh in the fridge for 5–7 days; top with nuts/chocolate right before eating.
Walking 10 min after dessert is optional but helpful for glucose control.

Prep Schedule

🍽 7-Day Dessert-at-Night Meal Plan — Prep & Daily Guide for 2 People (~1650 kcal/person/day)

1️⃣ Sunday / Prep Day (~1 Hour)

Proteins (Bake / Sauté)

Protein	Cook	Portion
Chicken breasts	Bake 6–8 breasts, 400°F 20–25 min	5 oz per person per meal
Ground turkey	Sauté 2 lb with olive oil & herbs	5 oz per person per meal
Salmon fillets	Bake 4–6 fillets, 375°F 12–15 min	5 oz per person per meal
Pork chops/loin	Bake 4–6, 400°F 20–25 min	5 oz per person per meal

Vegetables (Roast 2 Large Trays)

Broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, carrots, bell peppers, Brussels sprouts
2–4 tbsp olive oil, salt, pepper, herbs, 400°F 20–25 min
Aim for ~1 cup roasted veggies per person per meal

Carbs / Grains

Carb	Cook	Storage
Brown rice	Cook 4–6 cups uncooked	Refrigerate, reheat as needed
Potatoes	Bake 14 medium	Refrigerate, reheat as needed

Desserts (Nighttime Oats)

Prepare 14 servings:
- ½ cup oats + ½ cup Greek yogurt + 1 tbsp chia + cocoa + ½–1 tsp honey + 10g nuts
Optional: top with 5–10g dark chocolate per person
Store in jars → fridge 5–7 days

Snacks

Snack	Prep	Storage
Nuts	Portion 20g per snack (10g each person)	Small containers or bags
Fruit	Apples/pears whole, berries in container	Ready-to-grab
Cottage cheese / Greek yogurt	1 cup per serving (½ cup each)	Containers for 3–4 days, refill as needed

2️⃣ Daily “Grab & Go” Routine (for 2 People)

Meal	Action
Lunch	Grab pre-cooked protein + roasted veggies + potato/rice → reheat 3–5 min
Snack #1	Grab apple/pear + nuts
Dessert (Dinner)	Grab pre-portioned oat dessert → eat slowly; optional 10-min walk
Snack #2	Grab ½ cup cottage cheese or Greek yogurt

3️⃣ Tips for a Smooth Week

Label containers: protein type & amount
Roast veggies & proteins in big trays → saves time
Rotate veggies/proteins for variety
Reheat in oven, microwave, or skillet
Desserts: add chocolate/nuts right before eating
Optional: 10-min walk after dessert helps glucose control

✅ Extra Notes

This plan is egg-free, mostly chickpeas only (optional), blender-free, and dessert-for-dinner friendly.
Each person: ~1650 kcal/day, protein 25–35g per lunch/dinner, high fiber, healthy fats.
Snacks and dessert portions are scaled for two people, keeping blood sugar stable.

*****To make things easier We can always break it down into a routine too. These were all hypotheticals but I know routines can make things easier...

Monday - Gym day need protien - Chix or Pork

Tuesday - Class - Taco Tuesday (Mex/Latin inspired meal) - Fish, ground turkey

Wednesday - Gym - Chicken Meal

Thursday - Class - Fish Meal or Vegetarian Meal?

Friday - Gym - Dinner with Druids or Pizza (Theres actually a lot of healthy pizza recipes we can make!)

Saturday - Fish

Sunday - MEAL PREP - Chx or Pork?

Wednesday, November 12, 2025

Cholesterol

Every plate - 5 meals, 2 servings - $80.90 a week/176 a month per person.

Dinnerly - 5 meals, 2 servings - $90.89 a week/$197 a month per person

Only for dinners. Lunches and weekend meals would be regular grocery shopping.

Alternatively I could research 30 recipes to alternate with. *list to come*

Actually this website has SO MANY heart healthy recipes. Can use this for inspiration!

https://recipes.heart.org/en/

Also - moderate alcohols, preferably with less sugar. Dark beer and red wine have been proven to actually help a little with cholesterol! (In moderation)

Honestly... cook more, eat out less, try to use more veggies, less oil or butter. Start Roasting, baking, and grilling more. Less pasta - like seriously try to avoid it for the most part; but use protein pasta or plant pasta when we do.

Remember: Lemon pepper, Medeteranian, Marinades for meat let you keep it simple and flavorful without a lot of sauce needed.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1MX4e1a-S-uZP-Umw52Fnp53ZgDjyvVJ0LpdcaIT5vrA/edit?usp=sharing

Foods to avoid...

Foods High in Saturated Fat: Can have no more than 20 grams of it per day

Fatty meats (beef, pork, lamb)
Processed meats (hot dogs, sausage) -- dang.
Full-fat dairy products (whole milk, cheese, butter) -- over my dead body.
Tropical oils (coconut oil, palm oil) - I don't use.

Foods High in Trans Fat:

Fried foods - I try to limit anyway. Air Fryer
Baked goods (cookies, cakes) - can look up healthier recipes
Processed foods (instant noodles, frozen meals) - check trans fat levels.

Foods High in Cholesterol:

Egg yolks -- I am giving up eggs anyway.
Shellfish (shrimp, lobster) -- over my dead body. Just limit how many I eat and what sides i use.
Liver

Other Foods to Consider:

Sugary drinks -- I try to stick with diet sodas.
Refined carbohydrates (white bread, white rice) -- wheat, rice blends, etc.
Alcohol - Moderation and type

Thursday, November 6, 2025

Discernment Final materials

https://theologicalreference.on.worldcat.org/search/detail/1227321043?queryString=Christian%20Contemplation%3A%20Theological%20Foundations%20and%20Contemporary%20Practice%2C&clusterResults=true&groupVariantRecords=false&stickyFacetsChecked=true&idDetect=true

- page 20 - body and spirit -- invisible and visible.

- page 20 - discernment depends on prophecy, wisdom interpretation....

~~- page 20 - the meaning of discernment...~~

- page 21 - the one manifests as the many but the many needs to remember that they are the one.

- page 21 - the human soul section was suuuuper relatable. Use that in my paper on how discernment manifests as spiritual gifts and how that comes from the soul - which is divinity within us. I mentioned this before in my last paper but Plotinus's view on spirituality as in this book helps provide an easier way to word it.

- page 21 to 22 - Plotinus basically walks you through how shamanic journeying works as a means of discernment...

- pg 26 the disordered attachments = societal conditioning, distractions, addictions, or anything that gets in the way of true authenticity - because authenticity, happiness, and lover are how people reconnect with God.

-------------------------------------------

- “Spiritual direction” or companionship in the Christian tradition can be understood as a search or quest for an authentic, unitary “self” in which those dimensions of subjectivity commonly read as “inner” (thought, emotion, feeling, imagination, my sense of body) and “outer” (practices, body in public space, public action and so on) are ever more ordered into the “likeness of Christ”. Prayer, discernment and attentiveness to God, worship, practices of study and reading are among the ways the body — ordered along the axis of inner and outer — is conformed to Christ." - Rachel Mann's essay in Queering Spiritual Direction 215

---- in laymens terms: spiritual direction, then, can be seen as a process of trying to align those two — helping someone live in a way where their inner life and their outward actions reflect each other and Christ’s example.

- "It’s important to acknowledge, from the outset, that some classic understandings of the praxis of spiritual direction, understood as the accompanied process of conforming one’s inner and outer life into the likeness of Christ, have a prima facie fit with some understandings of transgender identity. While it is easy to parody the call to “become one’s true self” in God as self-indulgent narcissism (a kind of Christian navel-gazing), at the heart of a serious wrestling with the invitation to be and become our true selves is a paradox or mystery; for the vocation of being our selves is a vocation of movement from the self we have to lose into the gift of the self we are to receive. This notion is perhaps most succinctly encapsulated in one of Jesus’ most profound, troubling and frustrating statements: “Those who seek to save their lives will lose it, but those who lose their life for my sake will save it.”" - Queering 216

---- laymen's terms: Christian spiritual direction and transgender experience can sound similar. Both talk about “becoming your true self.” Of course, that phrase can sound self-centered or “touchy-feely” to some — like it’s just about personal fulfillment. But she says that, at its best, this spiritual journey isn’t about ego at all. It’s about transformation. In Christianity, becoming your true self means letting go of your old self and receiving the self that God gives you. As Jesus said, “Those who try to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” That’s a paradox: to truly find yourself, you have to let go of the self you think you are.

For most of my life, I’ve been driven by a deep, insatiable hunger for God that has never actually gone away. I am not satisfied with simply knowing the breadth of God, but I want to continually experience the very depths of God. - unforming pg 1

- On Panentheism & interreligious views on God: "Spirituality, however, is not static and fixed. Far from it. The spiritual life is always transforming. In this way,\ spirituality should reflect a multiplicity of layered human experiences of God. Our collective soul as a church will atrophy if one culture or tradition holds the power and control over what is taught and practiced in the church." - Our unforming pg 2

- Spirituality, the divine-human relationship, starts with an ache. Our souls ache each time we recognize that there is something missing in our experiences of the sacred... Whereas theology attempts to figure out and articulate what we know about God, spirituality refers to what we experience of God. This means that spirituality takes all our human experiences seriously, because we need to bring our full selves in order to meet with God." - Our unforming of 3

- "Spiritual formation, then, refers to the transformation that happens in us as we encounter God again and again and again. Spiritual formation includes all the practical ways we try to clear the clutter in our souls in order to meet with God and hear from God. Because the term spiritual formation can be deceptive, implying that we only need to engage with spiritual things, I like to think of spiritual formation as human formation. We live in a world that constantly devalues and distorts our humanness." our unforming pg 4

- As a spiritual director, my role is to create a physical space that models the soul space. I set the room and create a space for my directees to sit with the divine Creator. Sometimes I light a candle to represent the presence of Spirit in the room, but it is always up to the directee to come into the space with their sacred self. I have the privilege and honor of being invited into their intimate soul space to listen to and with them. Together, we wait patiently as we lis- ten for how the Spirit may be moving through each season of life. We also listen for how my directee is becoming more fully their sacred self." unbecoming 5-6

-------------------------------------------

"Parker: The soul is like a wild animal in that it is very resourceful and very shy. You can’t crash into the forest and shout for it. The safe place is where the soul can come out." - Parker Palmer Podcast

----------------------------------------------

Quaker Pamphlet:

- "I use the word God. For me as aQuaker and a Buddhist, God is a Spirit of Oneness: the Light or Seed Within All Things; the Energy if Compassion, Love, Understanding, and Peace. - 2

- Spiritual Discernment... is a practice of recognizing and understanding Gods call in your life. ... In discernment you ask yourself: "Is this God?" And then you listen. Discernment is the practice of being attentive, being reflective, and being loving in order to determine what is truly from God. In personal discernment about your own life, you call to mind where God has shapoed your life, including where yuour feelings and emotions have been most engaged, and notice emerging patterns that bring you closer to God. - pg 5

- Disernment is not a tool that you pull out of a bag for convenient use. it arises from faithfulness, unfolding over time, as you cultivate your own inner spiritual landscape and relationship with God. - 6

- It takes disciplined reflection to know the difference between a sense of leading and your "own contributions of thought and imagination." Thoughts, emotions, reactions are all useful in weighing choices that align with Spirit-led ways.- 7

- the belief in... "Light and Seed refer to the reality for Friends of God's presence within us for our own healing and wholeness and for the healing and wholeness of others and the world.

- ... it is important to recognize and understand how attachment to expectations, hopes, assumptions, impulses, and underlying family patterns shape our sense of leading. However a "discipline of faithfulness frees us from deep attachment to the outcomes of our leading and allowing ourselves to be so attached can itself make us less sensitive to guidance". -- we get in our own ways. My biggest hurdle right now in my current discernment process.

- The whole section of Key Words. pg 12-

Works Cited so Far

Brown, Valerie. Coming to Light: Cultivating Spiritual Discernment through the Quaker Clearness Committee. Pendle Hill Pamphlet 446. Wallingford, PA: Pendle Hill Publications, 2017

Lee, Cindy S. “Introduction.” In Our Unforming: De-Westernizing Spiritual Formation, 1–14. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2022.

Mann, Rachel. “‘Queering’ Spiritual Direction: Towards a Trans*- Literary Praxis.” Theology & Sexuality 20, no. 3 (2014): 214–24. https://doi.org/10.1179/1355835815Z.00000000051.

Nguyen, Joseph H. “Spiritual Discernment in the Contemplative Life.” In Christian Contemplation: Theological Foundations and Contemporary Practice, 19–30. Eugene, OR: Wipf & Stock, 2020.

Palmer, Parker, and Cortney Martin. “The Inner Life of Rebellion.” On Being with Krista Tippett. Originally aired January 8, 2015. Updated September 22, 2016. Podcast audio.

Monday, November 3, 2025

Gym work outs if no trainer

Gym Twice a week:

Mondays

Kettle Bell Squats (legs, core)
Lat pull downs or Row (back, rib muscles core)
Tricep Press
Biscep Curl
TRX Lunge/Split Squats
**Alternative: Overhead press (hold weight over head and move up and down)

Fridays

Kettle Bell Deadlift (legs, front core)
TRX Push up (core, arms, wrists)
TRX pull up -- I want to be able to do 3 sets of these without struggling
Leg press
Back Extension/machine

At home:

Glute Bridge
Plank
90/90 Mobility Stretch
Push up
Step ups

Condense

Okay I currently have 3 credit cards, a personal loan, an auto loan, and student loans.

CC 1 - USAA - 20.9% APR roughtly 400$ -- I use this for my gym expenses
CC 2 - USAA - 16.9% - roughly $700 -- this is my most used credit card
CC 3 - SAMS - 28.65% - roughly $900 -- this i barley use but had to use recently
Auto Loan - USAA - 3.94% - roughly $6900 -- lowest rate anywhere.
Personal Loan - Advia - 9.2% - roughly $5600 -- ahead of schedule on paying balance
Student Loans ---- lets not talk about those...

I am debating opening a 4th CC to condence CC 2 and CC3; it would have a lower APR and I would keep those 2 out of my wallet, to use only in cases of emrgency. This would take a hit on my credit which ould lower it.... but then after a few months make it go up because my credit use/available funds would be smaller.

I WOULD NOT close the credit lines because i learned the hard way that it will plummet my credit score.

So I would limit the # of credit payments i need to make a month to 2 of them, lower the amount I am paying and also push everything to a lower interest rate. So it would look like this:

CC 1 - USAA - 20.9% APR roughtly 400$ -- I use this for my gym expenses
~~CC 2 - USAA - 16.9% - 0 - for use in case of emergency~~ - $12,200 available
~~CC 3 - SAMS - 28.65% - 0 - for use in case of emergency~~
Auto Loan - USAA - 3.94% - roughly $6900 -- lowest rate anywhere.
Personal Loan - Advia - 9.2% - roughly $5600 -- ahead of schedule on paying balance
CC 4 - Advia - 8.90% - roughly $ -- condensed all CC except CC1. How much available?

Aaprtment (rent/utilities/internet) : $1135

phone: $55

Savings: $100

Roth IRA: $100

Loan: $450

Credit 1: $100

Credit 4: $50

~~Med Bill: $95~~ I will pay this off with the Nov. Bonus.

Car Payment: $235

Car insurance: $90

Health insurance: $495 -- will probably pay several months upfront with school refund.

The Joint: $70

Gym: 25

Gas: $80

Subscriptions: $20

Pets: $50

Groceries: $250

------------------------

$3305

Essentially I would only carry around 2 cards and would limit everything i spend until the end of the month where leftover funds are alotted btween debt and savings.

Cost of living

Goddman it.

My insurance went WAY up. its just under $500 a month now... So I am going to need my rent to go down. We for sure cannot keep this apartment that I am so in love with - unless i get another job or my boss gives me a raise (unlikely). Lets say they just raise my rent by $50 for renewal ... 1970 + 50 = 2030. All budgeting will be rounded to the nearest multiple of 5.

Rent: 2030

Utilities: $200 give or take

Internet: $40

-----------------------

Apartment costs: $2270 / 2 = $1135 split between me and charlie

so..

Aaprtment: $1135

phone: $55

Savings: $100

Roth IRA: $100

Loan: $450

Credit 1: $100

Credit 2: $100

Credit 3 (Sams): $30

Med Bill: $95

Car Payment: $235

Car insurance: $90

Health insurance: $495

The Joint: $70

Gym: 25

Gas: $80

Subscriptions: $20

Pets: $50

Groceries: $250

------------------------

$3480 --- which is JUST about what i bring home every month. I might have to lean on charlie when it comes to groceries

I will have to stop seeing my trainer - thats what goes towards Cred 1. If I stop seeing her... then I will stop owing on that CC.

Okay lets think about this. I owe about $700 to fridert for my surgery - if i pay this off with the holiday bonus i get $95 back into circuit each month meaning i can keep my trainer.

By the time spring refund hits (Feb) I will owe:

about $4300 in my personal loan
about $6209 to my car. -- leave this for now. lowest interest.

My next loan comes in June. So Feb-June insurance would be $2500. If I put that towards my insurance... then I pay my usual $450 to my loan and any extra i have each month, but i am not left scrambling. I have that $500 each month to spend as i NEED to.

*****

If we do end up having to give up the apartment (which I truly hope we don't) because they jack up my renewal rate... in no particular order...

Here are the options to consider: (need to go through and edit this into the other list too)

https://www.apartments.com/lincoln-ridge-madison-wi/ste6lj5/
https://www.apartments.com/preserve-west-madison-wi/sgjg7d7/
https://www.apartments.com/maple-grove-apartments-madison-wi/0h2qkm3/
https://www.apartments.com/high-point-commons-apartments-madison-wi/wrvv8zl/
https://www.apartments.com/lamplighter-apartments-madison-wi/b68s6jb/
https://www.apartments.com/stone-creek-apartments-madison-wi/k2db6pb/
https://www.apartments.com/high-point-woods-madison-wi/h2kjgc1/
https://www.apartments.com/yorktown-apartments-madison-wi/n9w3gem/
https://www.apartments.com/market-west-apartments-middleton-wi/d33m0hj/
https://www.apartments.com/wexford-place-apartments-madison-wi/f8j93mt/
https://www.apartments.com/shadow-creek-apartments-madison-wi/qrkpx8x/
https://www.apartments.com/harbour-town-madison-wi/n41gg6p/
https://www.apartments.com/the-landmark-at-hatchery-hill-fitchburg-wi/zbj197w/
https://www.apartments.com/muirfield-apartments-madison-wi/0vkmpk3/
https://www.apartments.com/seminole-creek-fitchburg-wi/681b38v/

If we have to:

https://www.apartments.com/haven-park-apartments-fitchburg-wi/qt20mqz/
https://www.apartments.com/fiedler-apartments-madison-wi/ndqlvrq
https://www.apartments.com/parkside-madison-wi/6zm3l7t/
https://www.apartments.com/royal-arms-apartments-madison-wi/f4s2z3v/
https://www.apartments.com/beaverbrook-apartments-middleton-wi/1nnevk6/

Thursday, October 30, 2025

Spiritual direction for myself

For context: I personally believe that Spirit makes up everything - our souls, the gods, the spirits of everything. We can tap into Spirit to do magic, develop our spiritual gifts, and do amazing things- we are of Spirit and so we are divine. When we struggle to connect to this inner divinity we can petition the gods or spirits for help - they lack the limitations we do. They act as teachers and intermediaries who guide us through the process of finding that connection to self divinity and our purpose in life. Naturally they can also help nudge and guide us through life and keep us on course. Same with ancestors. Spirits. all can be guides, all can be friends, and all can aid us in our work because the only real difference is that we have physical form.

I began to go to shamanic retreats as a way to seek spiritual direction without realizing thats what I was doing. It has turned into a dedicated space to let myself connect - when the connection actually clicks. It doesn't always. I was hoping that I could learn to journey and it would bring me closer to my gods and my guides; that I would feel closet to them, see them, hear them, feel them more. It seems to have done the opposite. Despite this, they have become an essential part of my life providing a designated time for myself - almost as if I need permission - to connect spiritually, they provide me with a sort of community, and I really have had life changing realizations because of them. After completing a foundations course this past month, I will actually be starting to learn how to assist with specific shamanic practices next year (such as soul retrieval, which is the first one I'll be learning in the spring).

Why I think i need some spiritual direction... my thoughts are so discombobulated that i sort of did a stream of consciousness writing to help just get it out. I have ironically felt so disconnected from my own self as a spiritual person, despite being able to help others spiritually, that I don't really know where to begin. There are multiple things going on that just seem to braid themselves together in a sea of racing thoughts. I am so sorry.

I feel strong desire TO DO SOMETHING (i don't know what) - but my cards said i don't need to deep dive and try to figure out what. it will come
craving change, a shift,... job and housing. Why this would be good vs why this would be terrible. - struggling with change but craving it. knowing cycles need to end but being scared of what comes next.
energetic build up and not knowing what it is or where its going
struggling to live in the present - i am craving to be shot into the future. But the frustration of where i am and how far away or impossible it feels.
i know my gods, spirits, ancestors are there. I am starting to get their messages in physical signs yet i FEEL disconnected. like everything is quiet. Is it waiting or solitude?
I am changing spiritually and i don't quite understand it. There is resistance and fear to it but also an eagerness.
I think I am having internal friction between the ecstatic/shamanistic practice i am learning and the clash with what i use to do as my practice. My pantheistic brain and polytheistic brain are fighting and causing some internal tension that seems to make me dumb, blind, and deaf to the gods and spirits around me. I am getting more nudges and signs, seeing more direct messages than I am through intuition and working with the gods. Im not sure how i can accurately describe it... its like the low buz of electricity that comes from the refrigerator ; you hear it so often that you stop "hearing" it but the moment it stops you notice. The fridge is still there but the buzz is gone. I feel like there was a low buzz i was spiritually hearing that has gone quiet.
I feel almost like a kid learning to ride a bike - suddenly alarmed that i don't feel my parent's guiding hand on my back. I feel almost as if the gods have left me. Like the child, I know the training wheels are still there (my ancestors, the spirits i work with, my shamanic community that is growing) but i feel alone and unsure. Its like the more i try to open myself up to connecting to Spirit directly, the more disconnected or disassociated i feel.
But i KNOW my gods have not left me. Cernnunos has sent me signs to do a reading three times over the last few months.
I am both SO READY for change that I can physically feel coming but i also feel so unprepared and I'm not ready. Its manifesting in every facet of my life. its like i KNOW I can do things (channel through poetry/writing/song - sort of as a form of clairaudience i think) but i don't believe it. I can't feel who to channel from, who is there for me to hear. Its like a bow and arrow - i feel the tension of pulling back the string - or the desire to - but i don't know where to aim and
I constantly see those around me in my spiritual community and they are so advanced i get defeated. Scared that i will never live up to the expectations and desires I have for myself. I can't do the most basic of things (i struggle with energy work, I don't have "the sight", I can't sense the individual presence of the unseen the way i use to be able to).
I struggle to find the time and space to devote myself to spiritual practice. Outside of someone seeking direction themselves and my shamanism retreats - I do not sit with Spirit regularly. I sometimes remember to do my affirmations (and i see results when i am able to actually be consistent with them) and i say my nightly prayer... but the prayer feels like i am going through the motions. There is no connection. I've lost connection to the spirits (Gods, spirit guides, nature spirits around me). I have felt this before - during solar eclipses. Its like i am permanently stuck in the energy of an eclipse. Like the veil between worlds is getting stronger and thicker, even though i feel my own energy is getting stronger.
I miss my gods. I miss praying and feeling them hear me. I miss feeling the presence of the spirits I work with. I miss feeling like the prairie and the creek i visit actually greeted me when i approached. I've stopped singing to them - although I do still acknowledge them when i walk by with a verbal greeting or a kiss.
I feel as if I am the one invisible, unable to reach out. But i also feel my own capabilities when i focus my energy via witchcraft. My sigils hold power. My affirmations and glamour magic hold power when i am consistent. The charm i am planning on making is going to be hella powerful, I already feel the energy for it building. The few times i feel inspiration for poetry - there is power in the words. But i no longer daydream (which was a primary way the spirits would reach out to me). I feel alone.
I cannot seem to make myself engage in the acts that can connect me. I found out I can channel through drumming. I have always known I can channel through poetry. My clairaudience comes in when I write and mark the page. I can't control when I journey/connect with Spirit and receive messages - I am almost pulled into it.
I am hoping that a rite of passage will help me release a lot of these doubts, strengthen my confidence in myself. That if I keep peddling the bike, unsure as I am, I'll round the corner and find them all waiting to join me again.
Why am I so good at providing care for others, but not myself? Why can't I follow my own damn advice. What is holding me back?

Forgive the chaos of the thoughts. They have been compounded for a while and for the first time in a long time I was still and open enough to let them emerge.

Thursday, October 23, 2025

coming of age/Birthday dinner outfit

Power animal representation:

https://www.amazon.com/SX-classic-leather-personalized-Motorcycle/dp/B0B9GVLTWR/ref=sr_1_6?crid=1EKU11L1I45QV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.yuZyS_Asbw6IAvMt4bYyUwJgOLCbrdcF3ijqY7CxOG1lqWltrAz3BA-WxK__qSeQAvcbBGJeKJP9NBs3n7ytt_Es9Z3CEIOoqja9PpbCzJrdK5iJDhWMAelv-6w3CC0k8bd2hv_HjQGa86TxfA6q8mMQxAswkpD7jlDDvPeuUowkPG-afqF3mLAmPvq_vhksGw0o5kKcluJhjTYnaCFzwItjiXR2qKBYSgHkf0yWHlhQZHQ2I1vvLYbpZyvy3fez7HgsvuxFIgTt0UShkD98vR_06hWNnpdIJVlZLsDT39s.oAQpQn1jTdHWkLbqmE3I5t2Rww-qGvITLVz_dFQM1A8&dib_tag=se&keywords=snake%2Bskin%2Bdress%2Bcoat&qid=1761266228&sprefix=snake%2Bskin%2Bdress%2Bcoa%2Caps%2C161&sr=8-6&th=1&psc=1

and either:

https://www.amazon.com/ZTMZA-Elegant-Sleeveless-Wedding-Cocktail/dp/B0F9XYMC99/ref=sr_1_18?crid=3BA5BO8QT15UB&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ahxZkMiu-zOuLDm-3hYNbyv5tHMMOeK6gCwVeVpS2dJkj0ZAl7NlWshrlKLVar1gSKgfXzWjZy88HrO59IOs2u5nqH5ZIzx2wNcnscyUkPIRmXjYlE1xXHgT0P5QbhYy1vxhdxfgqy7h_K5oHXfQhZ2JkpQvd-Ibwa-R0cw4Mf48VREGOMWtzG9voe1eqBGFl5CBCcAXnx6DqNXy8shyXjUOV_e_rNWo2vB5K-JgfAPgTJAodqTe73SrnHSl93okTmf1aI8yiZmzpI8sQP_n6ZUv0q004YFSSSKOvBy0yoE.JTWVS_irPQlGwRjoQT9OBsBMg2A8zxuN_nNVliyEWZk&dib_tag=se&keywords=green%2Bdress%2Bsleeveless%2Bfancy&qid=1761266135&sprefix=green%2Bdress%2Bsleeveless%2Bfancy%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-18&th=1&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/Caracilia-Shoulder-Sleeveless-Wedding-Cocktail/dp/B0F99VMPQK/ref=sr_1_49?crid=3BA5BO8QT15UB&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ahxZkMiu-zOuLDm-3hYNbyv5tHMMOeK6gCwVeVpS2dJkj0ZAl7NlWshrlKLVar1gSKgfXzWjZy88HrO59IOs2u5nqH5ZIzx2wNcnscyUkPIRmXjYlE1xXHgT0P5QbhYy1vxhdxfgqy7h_K5oHXfQhZ2JkpQvd-Ibwa-R0cw4Mf48VREGOMWtzG9voe1eqBGFl5CBCcAXnx6DqNXy8shyXjUOV_e_rNWo2vB5K-JgfAPgTJAodqTe73SrnHSl93okTmf1aI8yiZmzpI8sQP_n6ZUv0q004YFSSSKOvBy0yoE.JTWVS_irPQlGwRjoQT9OBsBMg2A8zxuN_nNVliyEWZk&dib_tag=se&keywords=green%2Bdress%2Bsleeveless%2Bfancy&qid=1761266135&sprefix=green%2Bdress%2Bsleeveless%2Bfancy%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-49&th=1&psc=1

Green would represent new beginnings, growth, as well as touch into the power animals that has been showing up (snake). Or I could go apricot which is about optimism, warmth, and hope.

https://www.amazon.com/Caracilia-Shoulder-Sleeveless-Wedding-Cocktail/dp/B0F99P12YJ/ref=sr_1_49?crid=3BA5BO8QT15UB&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ahxZkMiu-zOuLDm-3hYNbyv5tHMMOeK6gCwVeVpS2dJkj0ZAl7NlWshrlKLVar1gSKgfXzWjZy88HrO59IOs2u5nqH5ZIzx2wNcnscyUkPIRmXjYlE1xXHgT0P5QbhYy1vxhdxfgqy7h_K5oHXfQhZ2JkpQvd-Ibwa-R0cw4Mf48VREGOMWtzG9voe1eqBGFl5CBCcAXnx6DqNXy8shyXjUOV_e_rNWo2vB5K-JgfAPgTJAodqTe73SrnHSl93okTmf1aI8yiZmzpI8sQP_n6ZUv0q004YFSSSKOvBy0yoE.JTWVS_irPQlGwRjoQT9OBsBMg2A8zxuN_nNVliyEWZk&dib_tag=se&keywords=green%2Bdress%2Bsleeveless%2Bfancy&qid=1761266135&sprefix=green%2Bdress%2Bsleeveless%2Bfancy%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-49&th=1&psc=1