group reflections

•  What within you is asking to be heard today?
• I am nervous... i am scared to be hopeful because i feel trapped
• I am loving the idea of group spiritual direction and taking on clients 
• I am loving the idea of living a life that is authentic and carries the flavor of spirituality at all times
• then i can feel more natrural in having that color lay over my life at home too. 
• Everything i currently do feels so stark in comparison to the spiritual. 
• I am scared i won't be able to make this transition. I won't be able to survive on it. 
• What if the dream is not substanciable. 
• What within you is asking for your attention
• I am lonely. 
• I miss community. 
• I worry that without community to help me keep my shape... I do not have a true identity or sense of self
• I am lonely
• I miss my gods
• I want to pray more
• I want to do readings
• but i'm resistant for some reason. 
• I keep myself isolated 
• I am lonely. 
• Why is it asking for my attentiion
• because loneliness only makes me feel more trapped and hopeless
• why?
• because we are not meant to be alone.
• We are meant to have community
• seeking community does not make you weak 
• I am scared of rejection, so i isolate. 
• This is a limiting belief and boundary i put on myself. 

Sacred Flame: but what if im not religious?

 For those that think Spiritual direction is not for you because you are not religious:

"A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which are only accessible to our reason in their most elementary forms - it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute the truly religious attitude; in this sense, and in this alone, I am a deeply religious man." - Albert Einstein

"Whether we think of ourselves as religious or not, most people, at times, consider religious questions. We may also experience religious feelings. This can be as simple as responding to beauty, order, and unanswered questions about the world, which may prompt appreciation and wonder. It may also, on occasion, give a sense of something more — in feeling part of all that is, with a sense of clarity and meaning in what we see.” - Todd Macalister

“...a larger, richer, more satisfying life is, in the last analysis, the end of religion. The love of life, at any and every level of development, is the religious impulse.” - William James (on how religion is not about belief, but rather about life.)

"We are the local embodiment of a Cosmos grown to self-awareness. We have begun to contemplate our origins: starstuff pondering the stars; organized assemblages of ten billion billion billion atoms considering the evolution of atoms; tracing the long journey by which, here at least, consciousness arose. Our loyalties are to the species and the planet. We speak for Earth. Our obligation to survive is owed not just to ourselves but also to that Cosmos, ancient and vast, from which we spring.”

― Carl Sagan

Connection Exercise

 "Here is an exercise that can help you find more connection with those you are working with in the field while also acknowledging the boundaries that exist between you. You can try this exercise with someone you are working with, but you may first want to try it with a friend, loved one, coworker, or even your dog. It is actually something you can consciously ask the other person to do with you, or you can do it without them knowing you are doing it, with differing impacts based on your approach."

1. Sitting face to face, take a deep breath and settle into your body. Tune your awareness into the space around your heart, and then tune into their heart. Connect to any sense of a field of energy linking your two hearts. Consider that this field of heart energy is an incarnation of the connection that you have to each other. If you don’t notice anything, don’t worry about it; just try it out, and stay open and curious. Stay with it for several minutes.
2. Next, become aware of the space between you, notice the distinction between where your body ends and where the other person’s body ends. Notice how you are different. This space exemplifies the boundaries that exist between you, as well as the individuality each of you possesses. Without adding any cognitive stories, stay with a feeling of separation for a few minutes. You can practice keeping these two polarities in balance, and you can use this skill as a tool to maintain equilibrium within the helping relationships you find yourself in.

"For example, if you are feeling disconnected from a person (perhaps you are engaged in an internal dialogue that is judging him or her or you have checked out in some other way), you can use the heart practice to reconnect. Or, on the other hand, if you are feeling overwhelmed with empathy or are losing yourself in any way, you can bring your awareness back to the space between you, as a way to create more balance for yourself."

Weight part 2

 12lbs in 2 months is not normal... but when i look at how this year has gone, hormal changes from high cortisol make sense.

• January: Find out smokey is dying and greif starts
• Fenruary: new kittens + emotional adjustment
• end of Feb: Smokey dies
• Winter and Spring: repeated sickness/antibiotics
• May: steroids
• April Move homes
• Starting in March: Work busy season starts and continues until December
• Grad school deadline through this all 

I think my plan will be this:

- maintain the 14:10/16:8 IF but don't beat myself up if i break it early. 

- maintain the 10K steps via dog walks 

- be more consistent with the 10 minute floor/wall pillates work outs (i've missed 3 because i have them set for every day... i might make it every other for consistency.)

- add 20 minutes weight training (40lb squats and deadlifts. This is not my max weight but it is heavy enough that it is a work out, bodyweight pushups, MAYBE some adapted rows or bicep curls because I only have an adjustable dumbell at home)

I also bought some protein bars to add 15-20g of protien for breakfast/snack. its expensiv e so idk if I can have one every day but it will help. 

Lets see if this helps. 

Weight

 I am so fed up and tired of having to think about my weight. 

Ever since I started trying to maintain or loose weight I only seem to gain it. 

I’m trying yet another app and plan to see if it works. It combines a daily 10 minute work out, calorie tracking, hydration tracking, and inter fasting. 

I fucking hate it. I hate how tired I feel after only 3 days. I hate the cravings I get when fasting. 

I hate that in order to not gain weight and maintain the human body you have to try so fucking hard. Make sure you drink enough. Make sure you sleep enough. Make sure you’re active enough. Make sure you eat right - which pretty much means expensive ass groceries or fucking meal prep which is its own chore. 

If it takes this much energy and effort to be able to exist I honestly don’t know i want to. 

I’m so tired of gaining weight but I’m so fucking tired of what I have to do in order to minimize the weight gain - much less lose the weight. 

***

Update...I bought a smart scale and I am even heavier than I thought. I also have low bone density, and low protein. my body comp is still at 38% so at least it hasn't gone up even if my weight has. 

this fucking sucks. 

Lectio Divina - Sometimes When You don't know what to say

 Sometimes When You Don’t Know What to Say

Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

It’s because to try to describe this feeling is

to render it instantly dull, flat.

It’s like when you see a rock on the bottom

of the river—all shimmering and bright—

but the moment you bring it to the air

to share it, what seemed precious

becomes cloudy, mundane, a dumb lump,

the stuff of filler in a suburban parking lot.

 

And so you learn to be quiet, to let your syllables

float away like dry leaves. What is heaviest

stays. Does not wash away. Is polished by friction, years.

Sometimes you meet others in the river. What shines

shines. Together you stare, stunned by the damn beauty.

Maybe you hold hands. Watch the light as it plays.

**

Honestly I feel like this poem speaks volumes. I feel like it actually speaks to some fears I have about the future in both the life style (nomadic) and career (spiritual companion and care provider) I want to pursue. 

the first half of the poem speaks to my fear. What if I chase this path and when I finally obtain it... the reality is different and less fulfilling than what I had seen from a distance? What if my pretty shimmering rock is actually cloudy and mundane once I have it in my grasp? Will I forever remain feeling dissatisfied with life and longing for a sense of freedom, belonging, and comfort that I will never have? 

I get signs from my gods, guides, and ancestors that I am on the right path and to remain dedicated and moving forward... but they have also lead me down paths before as a means of teaching me what is not meant to be. What if this is just yet another long trail that leads me to another Tower moment?

Then he second half, to me, speaks to the beauty of of spiritual companionship. The first few sentences speak to the training and discipline that goes into developing yourself as a companion. If anything the analogy of the rock changes for me in the second half. the rock becomes knowledge - the heaviness being importance and what is truly relevant and the white noise is what drifts away. The river is life and admiring whats in it from the outside lets you see the beauty. 

Then the end... the shared moment and presence is spiritual companionship in action. " Together you stare, stunned by the damn beauty. Maybe you hold hands. Watch the light as it plays." This is why I want to pursue this. I want to have more beautiful rocks in my river. I want to share them with others. I want to step out of the neo-capitalist city and even find the damn river to start with. 

but then...what if its not nearly what I envision it to be? 

Pagan Prayer for Opening Moments

In this prayer we call sacred space, sacred attention, and sacred work to begin, 

We invite the elements to join us in this space and aid us in our sacred work. 

We invite the Element of Earth; our bones that support us, the ground beneath our feet which reminds us to be steady as we go forward, the nurturing love that blooms in our hearts. Welcome Earth. (Welcome Earth x3)

We invite the Element of Water; the blood that flows in our veins, the soothing energy that replenishes us, the rivers and oceans that satiate our longing and calms the mind. Welcome Water. (Welcome Water x3)

We invite the Element of Air; the wind that brings forth divine inspiration and wisdom, whose journey carries forth our prayers to Spirit in all its manifestations, and who reminds us that all we what need to know lies within us. Welcome Air. (Welcome Air. x3)

We invite in the Element of Fire; that passion which fuels us and keeps cold doubt at bay; ignite our hearts with love and courage so though we may falter, our embers may never go out. Warm us with the joys of life. Welcome Fire. (Welcome Fire.) 

We invite in the Element of Spirit; that substance which makes all things and gives all things life. The Sacred reality in which we exist, the magic in our prayer, and the foundation for all creation. Spirit, Sacred Mystery, Heavenly Father, Great Spirit, Ancestors, Spirits of the land, and gods from above and below, we ask you for your guidance and wisdom as we set about our work. Welcome Spirit. (Welcome Spirit x3)

Earth below us, grant us the strength to fight for justice, support our communities, and connect with one another. 

Water around us, grant us the flexibility to move where life takes us and to help heal the wounds of those we serve. 

Air above us, grant us the curiosity to explore the life we have been given and the gentleness to hold the stories we have been blessed to hear. 

Fire within us, grant us the courage to fight for justice in times of hopelessness and bring the light of hope wherever we go. 

Spirit grant us sacred connection with The Divine, may we see divine presence in others, in ourselves, and all around us as we walk beside one another. 

We invite the elements to join us now and when we part may all go in grace with gratitude. 

Blessed Be.