It's fine

The car is fine. Some fuel got where it wasn't supposed to. We don't now if there I'd any actual damage do for now it should be fine.

uh-oh sleepy-o

okay yeah its 2:37 and i need to get up in the morning and bring the crap car to the dealership at 8:00am.

then if they're not open i need to take it to an autozone place. ugh.

meaning i need to get up at 7:30.

thats... 3-7:30...4-ish hours of sleep.

damn.


is it bad i want to talk with her some more? **bree
but she's already gone and i need to get my ass to bed.

now.

update on crush

i forgot to say this earlier.

yeah... i kinda got stood up.

today is sunday...
(monday morning in the wee hours but i havn't slept so its still sunday ;) )
friday night the girl i was talking to had agreed to meet. I would pick her up, bring her to my place to play cards with my family. she said this tuesday.

friday roles around and i hadn't heard anything from her. no responces to my messages. my snapchats. anything. so i told her to txt me because i don't have internet at work and i was supposed to get her after work.

nothing.

its so sad... i kept checking my phone and ipod the entire night and next day, hoping to see something from her.

tuesday will makr a week of radio silence.

she better have a good reason, else my feelings will be hurt.

granted, if she does have a good reason, say...her iphone broke and she had no computer to contact me with? it would all just be water under the bridge.

but as of right now i feel like i was stood up.

we had agreed to meet.
and it never happened.

after a week i'll stop hoping to see if she messaged me.

i already stopped but after a full week, done.


**********rereading this, reminds me: i need to get bree's snapchat and/or kik.

i had to, i'm sorry

dear bree,

you are a kind person and i hope you see how wonderful you are.
life is full of trials and hard times and it only means that you are strong enough to get through it.
things always get better. they really do.

you havn't hurt me. at all. i'm shocked to think that you have and i only wish i could comfort you.
I really think that you are too hard on yourself and that you deserve to be happy and be happy with whomever you want.

quite frankly i didn't realize you felt anything real toward me. It genuinely surprised me and in  a good way. we have talked off an on for quite some time and i know i enjoyed talking with you. I never knew about your nightmares. i'm sorry i didn't know anything.

There is still time in the future if you ever want to try. When you are feeling better or feel like hanging out - call me. if you just want to talk - i'm here. If you miss me? talk to me. i'll always listen.

and i'm so sweet because i literately drink nothing but liquid sugar. ;)

everything we talked about tonight, takes time. But they get better. with dedication and determination and love and hope. as cliche as it sounds, anything is possible.you know... except flying unicorns. sadly.
(.....did that make you smile? no? darn. yes? mission complete)

i really do like talking to you. tell me your hopes. fears. day to day small things that just stick with you. lets talk music and adventure and just be silly.

remember to breathe and love yourself. because there is so much to love about you.

you are compassionate, and pretty, and smart.

but i feel like i need to know you better. know you more.

so lets talk, because.... i'm not going anywhere.

btw? i am happy. i am a happy person. no matter what life throws at me, i will remain a happy peson. so don't worry <3

want to know what you can do to make me happy? smile. laugh. remember to love life and to smell the flowers. see and soak up the sunshine. life is beautiful.

and so are you.

sincerely,
the hufflepuff that worms her way into everybody's heart,
Lisa <3

lady of love

Venus. Aphrodite. Astarte. Lady of love.

whats going on.

i don't know what to do.

help?

i ask you for something and suddenly different paths open up.

one closes and one opens out of nowhere.

help me know what to do?

bree bree bree.

Bree is a girl i have meantioned a few times here.

she has just told me some personal things, and somethings i never would have guessed.

she has feelings for me.

has since we met.

to be honest i never would have thought....

i mean i knew she liked me and thoght i was cute.

in a puppy dog kinda way,

but aparently not.

it just kills me that she doesn't see how good she is.
how pretty she is.

i just wish she had more positive influences.

some better friends.

SOME sort of good energy in her life.

and i kinda wish it was me.

like.... whe ni was depressed and full of self loathing, i surounded myself with people like me. it only made me worse. once i started to hang out with people who didn't pull me down, i began to lighten up. once i found my spiritual path it was impossible to hate myself.

but i wish i could have her for a day.
a full 24 hours.

just us two. alone.

and it would be  a day of bliss.

no alcohol. no drugs.

just laughter, cuddles, (being honest: kisses galore.) talking.

maybe go for a walk.
explore some woods.

i want to take her out of the world for a minute and bring her some peace.

i found peace in nature.

i want to take her to where i find peace and see if it helps.

i want to help her be happy.
feel good about herself.

be a good influence on her.

a ray of sunshine.


******

in retrospect i hope i didn't say anything to offend her. but i feel like i can just talk to her and she wouldn't jusge me. hell i've told her things i havn't told another living person. and did she bat an eyelash? nope. she just called me perfect haha

Piece of shit.

This car is a piece of shit. It has "service engine soon" lit up AGAIN. We JUST got it fixed 4 days ago. 

I'm clingy

So. I'm clingy. I like to hear from the person I like everyday. Doesn't have to be full conversation. Just a "hey".

If I don't hear a word from you for 3 days... I think you are disinterested. 

And then I get disappointed. 

Like how I am now.

Hmf.

Sometimes I just want to bitch slap her on the face. Hard.

Not as bad.

So things aren't as bad as we think they are.

The car is growing on me. It's not as bad as I thought .

My crush finally messaged me.  She's been sick and recovering. Not as bad as what I was thinking.

Moral: things aren't as bad as what we think they are in the beginning. 

Apologize

I'm going to apologize to my mother for overreacting. Am I happy? No. Do i like the car? No. Was it right what she did? No. 

But it's only for 2 months. As long as I'm hyper vigilant I'll survive. 

I'm not even going to try the radio. She can figure that bitch out.

I'll figure out how to put a cd in. Or I'll do my iPod thing. 

But it's tense between us and I don't like it. So I'm going to apologize. 

she feels guilty

so mom says she is sorry and she feels guilty.


well i would fucking hope so!

she basically said if i didn't get this car then i would not be getting a car today.

never mind the fact i didn't feel SAFE driving it.

oh no all she cared about was that she would be getting the car.


no, she didn't care until she saw me in the office holding back (and failing) tears. but the nit was too late. she was already on the phone with the insurance people.

she said i could still change my mind, but no. it was too late.

she wanted the damn car she would get it.

so she feels guilty?
GOOD.

she pressured me into getting a car i did not want.
so did the fucking salesman.

she better feeling guilty.

and if i get in a fucking accident because of those brakes, i bet she'll definitley feel guilty then.

the new car.

so i got my new car.

or should i say my mom's new car that i paid for and am borrowing.

its a 2000 dark purple saturn.

i don't like it.

at all.


but the second mom saw that i didn't like it she got all pissy.
she really liked it.

so i agreed to get it because she would buy it from me in febuary.

she owes me 3,152.85 .....

and thats BEFORE i have to RE-BUY tags.

because guess what..... the car is in HER name.

so... this is actually her car, that i paid for.

and to top it off?

i can't figure out the fucking radio. its so fucking confusing, i have to google the damn thing.

same for the CD player... which its one of those stupid 6 CD player ones.

ugh.

i am so fucking frustrated.

and to top it all off: the breaks are the OPPOSITE of what i wanted.

the most important factor. opposite.

i feel like i have to stomp the shit out of it for the car to slow down.

2 months.

2 months and the bitch is gone.

i won't have to drive her anymore.

2 months of anxiety.


do you know how many accidents i avoided because my brakes were so good?
if my niisan had the same breaks as this car does, then i would have bee in an accident AGES ago.

and yet my mom doesn't understand why i'm upset.
calls me "her drama queen".

well fuck you.

i want top beat the ever living shit out of the guy that hit me.

i want my fucking niisan back.


so i drive to and from work,
up to the foodlion near home and back.

no extra driving.
no road trips.
none.

which also means no date with my girl.

for two fucking months,

GOOOOOOSf;ihg ipq;avher[giobjnea'four6yhq]yp
gqkfng;aodfguqh[4o6yiwhn
lwks


fuck it all.

i am so pissed.
i was never interested in this car to begin with either!! mom is the one who pointed it out to the guy. mom is the one who kept asking about it.

i would rather have the mozda i drove sunday. but no.... because the engine smoked after driving for 30 minutes (they explained it was just some residue they left after changing the oil...)
 mom doesn't trust it.

well i don't trust this new car.
i don't like her.

i don't like this fucking situation.

i want a car that is MINE.
in MY name,
that I like.
with the RIGHT FUCKING BRAKES.

Tomorrow... Today?

So tomorrow or rather later today I will be getting a new car. With that new car I intend to buy season one of Hannibal... And hopefully I can have a Hannibal marathon with a special girl........

Is so hard to blog about her but I don't want to jinx it. 

Uuughhhh.

Can I Please just take her out it go well, then I won't have to worry...

Haha.

Dorkable

Sooooo I want to take this girl who I like out on a date... Movie, Barnes and Nobel, dinner..... But I also have a dorky date in mind... Netflix/internet watching something snuggled on the couch together....

But the second date idea could be date #2 if the first goes well I guess. Idk.. Let's just see what happens shall we? 

First I need to get a car......

Oh and guess what.....

and you won...A BRAND NEW CAR...

and you won...A BRAND NEW CAR...


okay yeah no.

but i did find a little dealership i will be getting my car from.
but i will begetting it monday.... there was one car, a black saturn 2006, there that looked good but he will be getting like....15 more cars in on monday so i'm waiting go to look then,

a car....so close i can taste it....

okay forreal.

so i'm not going into details because i don't want to jinx it. but over this week i've been talking to this amazing girl.

i wrote "butterflies" for her.


she already said she'd go out on  a date with me (just have to ..you  know... get a friggin car)

she liked the poem. as cheesey as it was :3

maybe she'll like the pic i drew?

idk... wee'll see when i take her out!!


which will hopefully be soon.

estimated grades

okay so i did a realistic estimate of my grades in my classes as they are:


Intro into Cultural Anthropology : 84 = B
Societies from around the world: 95 = A
Geology Lecture                        : 90 = A-
Intro to Sociology                     : 451 = B-

chiara's going away party

okay so one of our assistant managers is leaving foodlion so they through her a suprise going away party.

lots of drinking. music. and beer pong. and weed.

not my scene. not hers either as i found out.

so we get there at like.... 9:15 ish..... at about 12 i start getting tired, since you know... i worked for 8 hours before hand.

so i curl up on the couch....


and then it happened.

so many people kept asking me if i was okay...
some even guarded me while i slept off and on...

people i didn't even know.

it was touching.

Carrie, one of my superiors, offered to take me to her house for me to sleep and when her boyfriend came home he would take me home. she even tried to entice me by saying i could play with her 4 cats. haha


and then the person who's house it was, Raean, actully tucked me into her bed so i could sleep.

and on the way a guy i work with all the time, Jason, said that he was a regular in my line when i was casheiring, and that he was kinda excited when he got the job because he would get to work with me.


guys.
i work with some amazing people....


someof them thought i was seriously drunk (i didn't have any alcohol haha)and were making sure i was okay, others didn't care and just made sure i was able to sleep.

amazing people....

i love them :3

yayyyyyyy 19

yayyyyy i'm 19.

i got maleficent as a gift from mom (i kinda guessed it lol)

and i'm going to go see the new hunger games movie today with some friends to celebrate my birthday.

butterflies

i've got the butterflies in my stomach,
the grin on my face,
i'm rushing to the computer,
and refreshing at an alarming pace,
how i love to see
that "new message" sign,
when i talk to you
it all seems so fine.
only known you for a few days,
but i'm grinning,
cheeks ablaze
can't get songs out of my head
i know better to let them,
but my hopes rise instead.
i'm starting to like you,
and it seems you like me too...
and to think after all these butterflies,
i haven't even met you.