Spiraling again

the worst part of how I cope with things? It doesn't always work. I bury things. In this case it's the anger and panic and depressive thoughts and emotions that are caused by the fact that my world was tossed into chaos and I had no control over anything.

So I disassociated a bit. I buried it all. I kept it buried for 3 weeks about.

It's rising up and the problem is is that fae isn't holding everything in check. I'm dealing with the aftermath of wha I've been doing while disassociating. I'm having to face all these emotions.

And now I'm spiraling. I havnt been completely me for several weeks and suddenly now I am.
I don't like it.

spiraling in thoughts and urges and emotions.

Round and round and round I go.

One second I'm fine. The next I'm panicking. Then I'm fae. Then I'm a pathetic weakling.
One moment I'm 100% me. The next I'm her. But then I can't even tell anymore at times.

Where I'll stop nobody knows.

But if I give in to more of these bad thoughts and urges I'm headed to a dark path.

I don't know if I can step off or if I even want to.

What do you get when you mix mania and depression together at the same exact time?

Chaos. Spiraling chaos.

That's what I am.

Who's next?

"You look a thing me differently. I could tell since you walked in today".

Yes Brooks.

I look at him differently. I have for over a week now.

But you know what? I look at everyone differently. I'm waiting to see who is next.
Who is going to turn on who next?

Maggie turned on me.
Brooks turned on jimmie.
I'm being isolated and left out of the covens activities.
B told Amy something i said in confidence.

I just don't trust anyone anymore.

So yes. I'm looking at everyone differently.

Jimmie

I've offered/asked jimmie to move in with me. Hallie really does want to move out and shes already found a place to go to. HE has until december to decide if he wants to or not.

It would be much better than Cory moving in with him...

the rent is the same. I know the electric bill would go up because he plays video games.... but I think living with Jimmie would be good. for both of us.

now there are thing i would have to buy....

• pantry
• 2 dressers
• the other half of the coffee table or hallie would buy it from me and i just go get a full one
• hallie would have to buy the other half of the TV from me - jimmie has a TV
• a tv stand
• towels
• dishes, pots and pans
• vacuum
• swiffer/broom
• shower curtain

thats all i can think of t the moment

Spring 2018 Final College Semester notes

okay. so. here goes.


Register: Monday Nov 6th at 3:30

or Tuesday nov 7th at 9:30 am

Pin:342161


All I have left for my major and minor:


Anth - chose one

• Anth 3050 - Ethnographic field methods MWF 10-10:50
• Anth 3077 - archeological field methods
• Anth 4400 - human skeletal analysis 

Creative Writing - chose one

• Eng 3330 - early 20th century drama not offered
• Eng 3340 - contemporary drama 
• Eng 3410 - introduction to poetry T/TH 9:30-10:45
• Eng 3831 - plays from writers POV
• Eng 3835 - poetry from writer's POV
• Eng 3861 - nonfiction from writers POV
• Eng 4930 - film from writers POV

Elective options:

• Anth 3200 Women's Role Cross Cult Persp T/TH 2-3:15
• ENGL 3820 Science Fiction MWF 1-2 or 2-3 (wouldn;t let me work at FL)
• Soci 3325 sociology of human sexuality T 6:30-9:30
• Psyc 3375 abnormal psychology MWF 9-9:50
• pscy 3300 psychology of personality MWF 11-11:50

**sign up for both.... i feel like i would end up dropping 3375

Schedule:

MWF

• psyc 3375 9-10:50
• Anth 3050 10-10:50 
• psyc 11-11:50

T/TH

• engl 3410 9:30-10:45
• soc 3325 6:30-9:30 (only T) -> carpool with cory

Work Schedule 

Tell Bistro i can't work tuesday nights. (mon, wed-sat)

foodlion: 

• mon, wed, fri 12:15-4:15 (4 on friday)
• Tues 11:30-5:30
• sat 7am-4
• sun 12-12

**I need to buy a parking pass for on campus.... so like... the 400$ one. 

Shocking return

i somehow tripped and fell into a different dimension. One in which everything thatvwas constant in my life suddenly is falling apart in front of my eyes.

That is the only explanation for this week.


Maggie is gone.
Jimmie and Amy are breaking up.

If jimmie and Amy couldn't make it work then I don't see how it's possible for anyone to. I just. I could tell something was up. And then after being insanely anxious about it last night Amy finally told me. I don't know very many specifics, but she's unhappy and is leaving out of self preservation.

Holy shit.

it hit me like a truck. I'm still mourning over Maggie and couldn't handle it so I kind of went comatose and dissassociated. I honestly couldn't handle the news enough to fully process it... the thoughts that came along with it just were too much. I checked out.

And fae checked in.
Oh yeah. Guess who's back?
I doubt for very long, but nothing strikes her fancy like some good ol' pain and grief.

Ball

I feel like I have a whole in my chest. I feel heavy. My eyes burn. I just want to sleep. And sleep. And sleep. I want to be alone but I hate to be alone and I'm terrified of being alone. the only tie I didn't feel like I have a hundred pounds on my chest is when I was hugging Brooks.

I know he isn't guiltless in the break up.  No one ever is. But he swears he won't leave. He swears he loves me. (He loves me for this moment. At least.) and in my vulnerable state (because goddamned do I feel fragile and scared and I'm down right pathetic) he makes me feel safe.


I just want to curl up into as small and tight of a ball as I possibly can and be held. Preferably by Brooks.

But he's hurting. I can't really show him how much I'm hurting because I don't want to add on to his pain. If he sees me upset he might feel guilty or get angry. I don't want to do that to him. But it seems like he's the only one that really seems to be able to comfort me.

Fucked up

tonight has been fucked up.


For one: I think the pharmacy gave me the wrong meds. The pills don't look right. They are bigger and shaped different. The color is wrong. I took it anyway because I need something but I'm a bit concerned.

Two: Brooks and maggie broke up. Maggie wants nothing to do with me now. I was one of the only people rooting for hem to stay together. I tried reaching out to her and she refuses to talk with me. Now she says she doesn't want t talk and she doesn't want my support.


I knew from the beginning that everyone will leave me. I just didn't expect her to be the first one.

It hurts. So badly. This was trial 3. And it sucks.


Everything is fucked up.