it has been quite a day.
dropped my car off to be looked at and fixed at 10:30. + low level of anxiety.
piddled around target.
came back to the apartment only to find black mold and moisture around our bedroom windows. Time to call the handy man. + enter frustration
so now we have to move the furniture so he can get to the windows. Jimmie starts arguing with me about how i organize my clothes??? + Pissy mod.
The handy man manages to come very quickly. Dries up the mold, does something to help prevent some of the moisture. yay.
but i'm still in a frustrated/pissy mood when ... jimmie's ex shows up to visit. (Not unexpectedly; she is in th Navy and is on leave - shes friends/knows everyone in the apartment except me)
I meet her and fully intent to like her.... within 30 seconds i know that i don't. Something about her just rubbed me the wrong way. Over the time spent with her i pretty much just hear how things were "when I was on the island" and her remembering parties with everyone. (So far the only common ground i have found with her is that she likes harry potter.)
She hasn't brought food with her like i was told she would which mean we were probably going to eat out. +mild annoyance at change of plans without warning.
I wander off to my room for a bit while everyone catches up feeling slightly uneasy but pretty much shaking it off. wait until 3:45 and call about my car.
easy and cheap fix = $45. This means - anxiety + relief
it also means i can afford to take everyone out to go see a movie, something i thought everyone would enjoy. +excitement
Only Diana wants to go. - excitement +disappointed/feeling rejected.
Jimmie asks if i'm okay with his ex being there and i say yes. I'm not bothered by her just being there - i become uncomfortable when i have to interact with her... besides it should only be for a few hours right?
I get my car and pick up gumbo from my mom for dinner tomorrow.
We go out to eat. i find out about her like of harry potter. Try to make conversation with her but it just flops. I feel uncertain about how everything is being paid for so i ask jimmie if i'm paying for myself and he responds with "I guess so". He seemed off in his tone with me during the dinner, bouncing between concerned and annoyed. Again conversation wasn't any topic i could contribute to. + uncertainty
So we come home. I suggest playing a game to pass the time until Diana and I go see our movie. Apparently no on hears, but everyone is for it when Jimmie and Diana suggest it. +annoyance
We end up playing my board game Quelf. Its super fun ad super silly. I actually think it can help break the ice and make me like her more... + Hope
its the exact type of game she hates and she pretty much didn't play. +frustration
Diana and I go to the movie. I miss jimmie but the movie is pretty good. +disappointment +mild amusement
We come back and see everyone has clearly been drinking. Wine. Sake. and idk what else. And I see her in different/more comfy clothes that to me look like something she could sleep in.... which leads me to believe she is going to be staying the night. +agitation -any good mood left +more unease.
Jimmie keeps coming back to check on me since i'm alone in the room and on my computer away from everyone. By his body language, tone, and what he says I think that he is under the impression that i feel threatened by his ex? which is not the case. She poses no threat to me or my relationship.
I just don't like her.
And I feel like ive barley actually gotten to spen d actual time with Jimmie. +disapintment
it hasn't been a horrible day. It has't been a enjoyable day.
its been like a bowl of luke warm flavorless cream of wheat.
gross.
And little aggutations just keep popping up and piling on.
Thursday, November 29, 2018
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
OSDD-1....or as i formally called it... Mild DID
So i don't have DID.
Yes i have an alter.
I actually have 2 but the other is NEVER allowed out. ever. The few times its slipped out my friends thought i was slightly possessed. i don't ever talk about it because its not relevant and talking about it only gives it power.
But OSDD is basically any dissassociative disorder that doesn't quite fit perfectly into one of the others.
OSDD -1 is DID.... 1a is only having 1 alter. 1b is not having amnesia between alters.
I could arguable have 1a but i most definitly have 1b.
Brooks was ultimately right when i first tried to tell him about Fae and he dismissed it. Its not DID.
its the milder form of it: OSDD-1.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I made a post online that said:
So…. I like to think that i have mild DID. only have 1.5 alters (i say .5 because one is permanently kept in a cage by my protective alter and is NEVER allowed to come out) and i don’t black out. My memory can become very fuzzy when my alter takes over, but i almost never lose time. I describe it like percentages…. i’m a certain percentage of her and a certain percentage of me. the higher her percentage the more “bleed through” i have… certain traits of hers begin to manifest in me. There are periods where she seems to be at 0% and they can last for a little while.
When that happens i say that she is “napping” or sleeping” in the back seat. Because another way i explain my situation to people is like my body is a car… and there are 3 spots: driver, passenger, and back seat. Whoever is driving is in the most control and thats who “I am”. The passenger seat there is some control, mostly through communication “Do this” “Say this” “Don’t do this” and so forth. The back seat is when a percentage is REALLY high in someone’s favor. so like i would be in the back seat if she was at 90%. Usually she is in the back, only popping up with a funny/mean comment and giving her opinions on things. Shes a lot more active when shes in passenger and thats when she tends to bleed through.
We have a system of operations…. she knows when she’s allowed to take over (i’m feeling threatened or someone i care about is threatened - disrespect if a big one for her…. someone disrespects me she definitely gets active - unless shes asleep.) But throughout all of it… i’m aware of whats happening. When someone else tells me about things that happen or were said while shes been driving, its a very fuzzy memory and she usually fills in the fine details - but i’m always conscious.
I don’t have a formal diagnosis because every time i have tried she does NOT like the therapist. They usually give us a rendition of all of the online surveys which totally ignore co-conscious systems. That and she doesn’t feel we need the validation (i would like the validation.)
Does anyone else experience their alters without blacking out?
to which someone responded saying that DID without amnesia is OSDD-1b... which prompted me to do some digging.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most important difference between individuals with DID and OSDD-1 is the way in which they experience their alters. Even individuals with OSDD-1b might experience their alters more as different versions of themselves, though they're more likely to experience a noticeable change in skills, memory, temperament, or overall personality. It is important to note that even the least differentiated OSDD-1b parts are still more differentiated, separate, and autonomous than the most developed parts that can be present in borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, or complex posttraumatic stress disorder, none of which involve dissociated parts that have a unique sense of self or self history.
They may or may not have dissociative amnesia for aspects of their trauma history, but information flow between alters in an OSDD-1b system is much more consistent. While someone with DID might not realize that or when they lose time, someone with OSDD-1b is usually fully aware of their alters' activities and is very unlikely to find any evidence of unremembered activities. If they ever were to have a dissociative trance or fugue episode, it would be unassociated with their alters. They tend to struggle less with their memory on a day to day basis.
Because alters for individuals with DID are more dissociated from each other, individuals with DID are able to have fewer alters co-conscious at once. While someone with OSDD-1b might be able to have all of their parts present and aware of each other and the outside world at once, someone with DID might be able to reach only a fraction of their system at any given moment and may be unaware of or unable to communicate with a large number of their alters.
Yes i have an alter.
I actually have 2 but the other is NEVER allowed out. ever. The few times its slipped out my friends thought i was slightly possessed. i don't ever talk about it because its not relevant and talking about it only gives it power.
But OSDD is basically any dissassociative disorder that doesn't quite fit perfectly into one of the others.
OSDD -1 is DID.... 1a is only having 1 alter. 1b is not having amnesia between alters.
I could arguable have 1a but i most definitly have 1b.
Brooks was ultimately right when i first tried to tell him about Fae and he dismissed it. Its not DID.
its the milder form of it: OSDD-1.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I made a post online that said:
So…. I like to think that i have mild DID. only have 1.5 alters (i say .5 because one is permanently kept in a cage by my protective alter and is NEVER allowed to come out) and i don’t black out. My memory can become very fuzzy when my alter takes over, but i almost never lose time. I describe it like percentages…. i’m a certain percentage of her and a certain percentage of me. the higher her percentage the more “bleed through” i have… certain traits of hers begin to manifest in me. There are periods where she seems to be at 0% and they can last for a little while.
When that happens i say that she is “napping” or sleeping” in the back seat. Because another way i explain my situation to people is like my body is a car… and there are 3 spots: driver, passenger, and back seat. Whoever is driving is in the most control and thats who “I am”. The passenger seat there is some control, mostly through communication “Do this” “Say this” “Don’t do this” and so forth. The back seat is when a percentage is REALLY high in someone’s favor. so like i would be in the back seat if she was at 90%. Usually she is in the back, only popping up with a funny/mean comment and giving her opinions on things. Shes a lot more active when shes in passenger and thats when she tends to bleed through.
We have a system of operations…. she knows when she’s allowed to take over (i’m feeling threatened or someone i care about is threatened - disrespect if a big one for her…. someone disrespects me she definitely gets active - unless shes asleep.) But throughout all of it… i’m aware of whats happening. When someone else tells me about things that happen or were said while shes been driving, its a very fuzzy memory and she usually fills in the fine details - but i’m always conscious.
I don’t have a formal diagnosis because every time i have tried she does NOT like the therapist. They usually give us a rendition of all of the online surveys which totally ignore co-conscious systems. That and she doesn’t feel we need the validation (i would like the validation.)
Does anyone else experience their alters without blacking out?
to which someone responded saying that DID without amnesia is OSDD-1b... which prompted me to do some digging.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most important difference between individuals with DID and OSDD-1 is the way in which they experience their alters. Even individuals with OSDD-1b might experience their alters more as different versions of themselves, though they're more likely to experience a noticeable change in skills, memory, temperament, or overall personality. It is important to note that even the least differentiated OSDD-1b parts are still more differentiated, separate, and autonomous than the most developed parts that can be present in borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, or complex posttraumatic stress disorder, none of which involve dissociated parts that have a unique sense of self or self history.
They may or may not have dissociative amnesia for aspects of their trauma history, but information flow between alters in an OSDD-1b system is much more consistent. While someone with DID might not realize that or when they lose time, someone with OSDD-1b is usually fully aware of their alters' activities and is very unlikely to find any evidence of unremembered activities. If they ever were to have a dissociative trance or fugue episode, it would be unassociated with their alters. They tend to struggle less with their memory on a day to day basis.
Because alters for individuals with DID are more dissociated from each other, individuals with DID are able to have fewer alters co-conscious at once. While someone with OSDD-1b might be able to have all of their parts present and aware of each other and the outside world at once, someone with DID might be able to reach only a fraction of their system at any given moment and may be unaware of or unable to communicate with a large number of their alters.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Arc
So I found out the reason I have been finding it harder and harder to feel and work with the fae is that I have closed off my heart; I am not open to giving new love or receiving it, and I certainly don’t trust very much anymore.
The way to solve this is forgiveness.
I even wrote a full on ritual spell to do it.
Unlike what I was hoping this won’t be a one and done spell. This is going to be a redemption arc.
Except it has been brought to my attention by the fae, Victoria, Di, and now Michael that I have my forgiveness line up wrong. I wanted to start with the bigger hurts and then move to lesser hurts.
I need to start with forgiveness of self.
Then forgiveness of others.
Meaning this will be at LEAST a two month process.
So I will have to do the ritual at least twice: once with a list of grievances I have done against myself that I need to forgive, the other a list from others I need to forgive. And then the month following the ritual I take steps to correct the things I need to forgive.
The full moon is Thursday. Since I’m doing this one for my own actions, and it would be a continual thing; I need to do it on Thursday. I will most likely hold the ritual in the bathroom and take a cleansing bath to wash it all off of me. So I need to write a second ritual.
Then the ritual involving others will be the next month’s waning creasant, calling for the end of those feelings.
Two months.
Each day I’m going to try to do a card reading of some sort.
I need to sources more shinies as offerings.
And tonight work should be slow and I’ll start on my new list.
Let’s hope this works.
****esit: the full moon is Friday so I have another full day to prepare.
The way to solve this is forgiveness.
I even wrote a full on ritual spell to do it.
Unlike what I was hoping this won’t be a one and done spell. This is going to be a redemption arc.
Except it has been brought to my attention by the fae, Victoria, Di, and now Michael that I have my forgiveness line up wrong. I wanted to start with the bigger hurts and then move to lesser hurts.
I need to start with forgiveness of self.
Then forgiveness of others.
Meaning this will be at LEAST a two month process.
So I will have to do the ritual at least twice: once with a list of grievances I have done against myself that I need to forgive, the other a list from others I need to forgive. And then the month following the ritual I take steps to correct the things I need to forgive.
The full moon is Thursday. Since I’m doing this one for my own actions, and it would be a continual thing; I need to do it on Thursday. I will most likely hold the ritual in the bathroom and take a cleansing bath to wash it all off of me. So I need to write a second ritual.
Then the ritual involving others will be the next month’s waning creasant, calling for the end of those feelings.
Two months.
Each day I’m going to try to do a card reading of some sort.
I need to sources more shinies as offerings.
And tonight work should be slow and I’ll start on my new list.
Let’s hope this works.
****esit: the full moon is Friday so I have another full day to prepare.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Switched
Inbetween waling up in a great mood and getting ready to run errands I had a switch.
Last night Fae just... slipped out and neither of us knew why. It just happened.
Then this morning I woke up from pleasant dreams, got actual cuddles from Smokey, enjoyed a nice hot shower. Feeling great I began to put make up on and when I decided to put purple eyeshadow on with the gold... we just switched. Since then it’s been a ricochet of back and forth and my was hurts.
She isn’t vying to be out. I’m not going through anything upsetting. But the percentages in my brain are going crazy. It’s concerning her enough to where she thinks we might need therapy... simply because we don’t really have anyone to talk to about this stuff.
Last night Fae just... slipped out and neither of us knew why. It just happened.
Then this morning I woke up from pleasant dreams, got actual cuddles from Smokey, enjoyed a nice hot shower. Feeling great I began to put make up on and when I decided to put purple eyeshadow on with the gold... we just switched. Since then it’s been a ricochet of back and forth and my was hurts.
She isn’t vying to be out. I’m not going through anything upsetting. But the percentages in my brain are going crazy. It’s concerning her enough to where she thinks we might need therapy... simply because we don’t really have anyone to talk to about this stuff.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Done with this week
I am so done with this week.
I can’t even get up today. I kicked the cats out of the room because they wouldn’t stop meowing.
I’ve had anxiety attacks two nights in a row at work.
We are going to be so busy at work tonight and we only have two servers.
I am mentally exhausted and my body is just there.
Now I have to get up early tomorrow and play host. After getting my ass kicked tonight. And it also means no building up mentally for tomorrow’s shift because I’m going to be entertaining all morning. On little sleep.
Go to bed at 1 (possibly.) fall asleep by 2. Get up at 9. Make pancakes. Put on a movie or play a board game. Kick them out about 1:30, so I can relax a bit before I go see Jimmie.
Come home. Get ready for work. Go to work. Hopefully it will be an easy night (we have a 10 top rep, so not likely if it follows the pattern of the past 3). Come home. Die.
That is my plan for tomorrow.
My plan for today is lie in bed until 1:45, then go see Jimmie. Come home. Get ready for work. Go to work. Get my ass kicked. Come home. Maybe eat. Go to bed. And do the above.
There is zero chance of me going home on Friday.
The objy good thing coming is I get paid on Thursday, and get to spend all of Saturday with Jimmie to celebrate our anniversary.
I am already so fucking done with this week and it’s only half way through Wednesday.
I want it to be Saturday so I can finally have a good ducking day. And then Sunday so I can have literally no obligations to do.
Also; Mrs heathers Xmas gift is missing. It never was sent back to France. It hasn’t been delivered here. Meaning it might be in the mailbox of the old apartment which I have no way of getting into.
I can’t even get up today. I kicked the cats out of the room because they wouldn’t stop meowing.
I’ve had anxiety attacks two nights in a row at work.
We are going to be so busy at work tonight and we only have two servers.
I am mentally exhausted and my body is just there.
Now I have to get up early tomorrow and play host. After getting my ass kicked tonight. And it also means no building up mentally for tomorrow’s shift because I’m going to be entertaining all morning. On little sleep.
Go to bed at 1 (possibly.) fall asleep by 2. Get up at 9. Make pancakes. Put on a movie or play a board game. Kick them out about 1:30, so I can relax a bit before I go see Jimmie.
Come home. Get ready for work. Go to work. Hopefully it will be an easy night (we have a 10 top rep, so not likely if it follows the pattern of the past 3). Come home. Die.
That is my plan for tomorrow.
My plan for today is lie in bed until 1:45, then go see Jimmie. Come home. Get ready for work. Go to work. Get my ass kicked. Come home. Maybe eat. Go to bed. And do the above.
There is zero chance of me going home on Friday.
The objy good thing coming is I get paid on Thursday, and get to spend all of Saturday with Jimmie to celebrate our anniversary.
I am already so fucking done with this week and it’s only half way through Wednesday.
I want it to be Saturday so I can finally have a good ducking day. And then Sunday so I can have literally no obligations to do.
Also; Mrs heathers Xmas gift is missing. It never was sent back to France. It hasn’t been delivered here. Meaning it might be in the mailbox of the old apartment which I have no way of getting into.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Xmas budgeting
Mom - I was going to get her clothes minutes and the present I already bought, but it looks like it will have to only be minutes and the thing I already have.
Cara - I might only be able to afford the ulta gift card, no dress or jewelry
Jimmie might only be able to get one gift instead of two. 😞
I might have to rethink what I’m getting Lexi completely.
I have to put what I was getting savanah on hold and just get her the small thing.
I have to rethink what I’m getting Diana, Cory, Aaron, Amy, and Dakota.
Cara - I might only be able to afford the ulta gift card, no dress or jewelry
Jimmie might only be able to get one gift instead of two. 😞
I might have to rethink what I’m getting Lexi completely.
I have to put what I was getting savanah on hold and just get her the small thing.
I have to rethink what I’m getting Diana, Cory, Aaron, Amy, and Dakota.
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