I have been too angry to function.
I get up and go to work. I go for walks in nature to ground myself. I sing. I dance. I try to watch tv to escape.
None of that works long enough to permanently take the edge off.
I am so angry I want violence.
I want the people who have stripped me of my body autonomy to be hurt.
I want those within that group who want to challenge my right to marriage and birth control to be hurt even worse.
I can’t be around my guy friends. I’m so angry around men, I don’t want to take it out on those who had nothing to do with this, and all I want is queer and female company because I feel like they are the only ones who can truly understand my anger.
The tears that leak from my eyes, as I have not yet allowed myself to fully cry, are not from defeat or sorrow.
I. Am. Angry.
I feel useless and powerless, which only makes my rage hurt hotter. I feel as if it will burn me up completely.
My sobriety is on thin ice.
Last night I reached out to an activist friend for help because I am not okay. I can’t keep going like this.
So she’s going to help me channel all this energy towards something that will help my community. I’m going to learn how to make something called “portable hugs” to donate to the free mom hugs initiative. It will help me get my hands busy and out of my head.
She’s also going to teach me to diamond paint. Something that requires so much focus that there won’t be time for me to stew in my anger. Think paint by number but it’s done in tiny diamond shapes.
And then on July 4th, I’m going to a protest. That is where I’ll finally let myself scream. And cry. And channel that rage. I’ll let my voice be heard in the masses of other angry women and queer folk.
I think that will be what helps me the most.
