Note to the reader: I want to first say that everything I am about to describe is ON TOP of my bipolar. My bipolar episodes impact what I am about to describe but they are an entire other layer that would require its own stream of consciousness blog.
So take what you are about to read, get through to the end, and then add the bipolar.
I believe the white noise is my untreated adhd.
I believe the screaming is my cptsd and anxiety.
The other "voices" I mention are not schizophrenic voices, they are the trains of thought from my alters. They are me, but different versions of me. The "mask" I maintain is forcing us all to be "one".
But honestly at this point I just want to call it all madness.
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There have been comments made my entire life that stick with me, they more or less follow the same train of thought.
- Anyone who lives with me becomes my keeper because I can barley function
- I need more discipline in my life. If I had more self discipline then I would be better in shape, healthier, more successful. I am never going to improve if I don't have the discipline to do hard work without needing someone to be doing it with me.
Yes I need more discipline to be a properly functioning adult... but I ask you, with what energy?
At any given time, I have so much noise in my mind that it takes all of my energy to be able to function at all.
There is myself - my train of thought, my voice, my sense of control.
There is one train of thought that is nothing but screaming. Shrieking of various pitches and volumes.
Then another that is nothing but white noise. Blinding and paralyzing white noise.
Sometimes my voice gets drowned out by the screaming, and I am nothing but an anxious mess, and sometimes my voice gets drowned out by the white noise, and I nothing but stupidity. Most of the time it is a wrestling match that never ends in an attempt to maintain a semblance of balance.
Then sometimes there are other voices inside my head along with mine, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have to remain the voice in charge when I feel my mind is fatigued.
My sister, and i'm sure a few others, has said multiple times in my life that I just need discipline - but I don’t have the energy for discipline when it takes every ounce of energy I have to remain in control of the chaos that is in my brain. I am so tired from the effort of maintaining control and masking the chaos from the outside world; remaining alert constantly to prevent any cracks in that mask, even when I'm home so that I don't go mad.
Then there are times that I am too tired to remain in control and I have to give into the other voices in my mind for them to hold the front lines while I hold the chaos - only to later spiral in shame for having to rely one them. The shame only fuels the screaming, adding more weight against me as I hold it back. Once I have rested enough to step back into the forefront of my mind it takes effort to keep the others quiet. My mind is so noisy as is that I don't have it in me to let them loose while also trying to keep the screaming and the white noise at tolerable volumes.
So I take in every ounce of distraction that I can shove down my throat, into my ears, and eyes... anything to make my brain quieter. Distract myself from all the noise and the mental energy that constantly siphons to the point it can physically drain me. Movies. Sex. Books. Music. Daydreams. Writing. Alcohol. At one time I turned to drugs... now when my mind is too noisy, i crave the drugs and my addiction only adds another voice to the harmony of internal screams.
There are few things that make my mind go quiet - when I use escapism and disassociate from reality through constant stimulus (the previous paragraph), when I let an alter(s) take the forefront, Prayer and spiritual acts, and when I took adhd medication a friend gave me. That night my mind was so blissfully quiet that my internal voice echoed...
and then there are times when it all fails. The white noise overpowers everything and I check out - disassociating to the point where even my alters can't be heard. I am a shell of muscle memory with nothing but the ghost of myself willing the mask to stay in place so others can't tell. Or the white noise gets so loud that while I can still hear my own voice trying to yell over it, im not loud enough to command my body. Then the days where the screaming is too loud, blocking out the white noise, it reverberates in my chest and I have to force myself to function through the anxiety attack.
The worst are the panic attacks; they roll in like a hurricane. The times when the screaming gets so loud that all voices are drowned out, the white noise crashes over me like i'm pulled under a wave at the beach - it fills my nostrils and I can't breathe, all the while Fiona (my strongest alter) works to keep the screaming inside my mind and not pour from my lips. Thats when I tear at my flesh, strike myself with anything I can get my hands on, or bang my head against flat surface...anything to force a sharp focus to cut through it all so I can regain a grasp of control. Those are thankfully rare, but when other factors weigh in, they are always a threat. like thunder in the distance.
My life is nothing but a never ending cycle of trying to quiet the screaming, turn down the white noise, lock my other selves behind the mask I have permanently glued to my face - on top of my daily responsibilities: focusing on and maintaining my job, driving my car and not crashing, remember to feed and water my pets (a top priority), letting my dog out, remembering to feed myself at all, remembering to drink something at all, remembering to get groceries, remembering to get gas, remembering to bathe at least twice a week....
Things fall to the wayside. Laundry doesn't get done. Dishes don't get done. House cleaning doesn't get done. I don't take my dog for proper walks. I manage a single meal a day or remember to drink maybe 3 glasses of anything.
so yes. I am mentally exhausted to the point that when I have someone willing to help me take care of myself... to act as a sort of "keeper" I rely on them because having someone else cook or make drinks or do the laundry or help tidy up means less things I have to put my strained mental energy towards.
So yes, i do require another person to hold me accountable in the moment to do any kind of physical activity that requires routine, focus, and discipline or else I won't do it.. because I don't have the energy to hold myself accountable. Not when I have to hold myself accountable for everything else.
So yes, when someone (I trust) offers to drive I will always say yes and be a passenger princess because it means that I can focus on not getting myself killed on the road.
So yes when I'm around other people who are systems and can have help removing the mask I keep and the gags I force on my alters, and I can take a step back from being in control, I dissolve and let them do as they please. Only when I am around other systems. I can't relax enough to force down the mask when people ask to meet my alters because its not some party trick. (pretty sure ive had a blog or two dedicated to my alters but I can always make another.)
So yes... the prospect of leaving the business sector to pursue an alternate career in spirituality and healing people despite the fact that I may be less fiscally comfortable than I already am is utterly appealing to me.
Yes I function best when I have strict deadlines and an enforced routine or regiment - its why I am so damn good at school.
Yes I get overstimulated at the slightest frustration or discouragement, I am flaky with social plans, and I am utterly disorganized in all of my work and living spaces.
But I pay my bills. I maintain a job.
I am a safe driver.
I take care of my pets - and while yes I yell when they overstimulate me I also give them an abundance of affection. They always have food and water and they know they are loved.
I do actually eat a minimum one full meal day. I give myself electrolytes when my dehydration gets too bad. I do some sort of physical movement almost every day.
I maintain a bright and sunny disposition to the people I meet and interact with. I can maintain relationships - personal and professional. I embrace joy wherever and whenever I can. I pray every night (even it is just a simple nursery rhyme I made up to say good night).
Despite my madness, I persevere. I function in society as a whole overall. I am a survivor and I will always be one.
I am disciplined. If I wasn't, then I would be institutionalized.
So I ask, please dear reader and anyone who gives me any variation of disapproval and judgment from failed expectations... have patience; and know that with all of my responsibilities, the never ending stream of screaming and white noise that beat against my mind, and the inability to stop masking even when alone, I lack the energy to maintain the "discipline" other may have.
