Okay so I am coming to terms that a lot of what is holding me back spiritually... is fear and resentment.
Fear
I fear the repercussions of fully devoting myself to spirit - because then how the hell am i going to pay my bills? In all honesty. I am so overwhelmed with work and the idea of doing this AND school? I don't know how i'm going to do it. I really don't.
I want to deep dive into spirituality right now. I crave it. But when I do I know that I'm going to become even more unfocused on the practical side of life (...my job...) and I can't afford that right now.
What I need is time to focus on myself. I need time to reflect, time to focus on my body (gym), time to connect to spirit, time to be expressive (sing, dance, write), go to class, do my school work, and manage to be social at least once a week.
But instead I am so stressed with work that the moment i'm off work I want to disassociate from it all and enter escapism. I want to read. I want to watch TV.
I like my job well enough. But I don't have the mental capacity to focus on other things the way I want to with as much mental energy I spend at my job.
As much as I want to delve into the non corporeal... I'm scared of the corporeal repercussions.
Then there is also the fear of shame.
This one is a big one for me. Its why I have stage fright. . Its why I can sing and dance freely alone but the moment someone else is around... I am stiff and pitchy. Its why I am scared to talk to new people.. the shame of being rejected or seen as awkward.
Its why if I am not instantly good at something I give up rather than dealing with the shame of being a failure... and that includes spirituality.
Resentment
I hold a lot of resentment in my body.
I resent myself for my humanity - although its not my body's fault I was born a human. Loving humanity is the lesson I am meant to take away in this life.
I resent the Christian church for a lot of the programming in my brain that I am having to un-do. Seeing myself as less than, being taught shame, a childish fear of hell (which I don't believe exists), knowing that there are people that truly believe I would go to such a place just because I am different than them and the fact that it can be said to my face (as a fucking child) with a smile out of "love".... there's no hate like Christian love.
I resent my own weakness of mind and spirit. My lack of discipline and impulse control - which seems to get WORSE with age.
I resent the military for taking away my affectionate and loving sister and turning her into someone cold and self righteous with feelings of superiority... that thankfully she has outgrown. the more she turns back into my loving sister the more she distances herself away from the military. I feel like it stole my sister from me - and I don't mean the physical distance. But I am getting her back so that resentment is now misplaced.
I resent my younger self for all of the mistreatment that I went through.
Release
I do not know how to release the fear of losing my stability in life by shifting my focus to the spiritual. That will come with time, guidance from the gods, and from community, to which I do not have right now. If I was back in NC maybe. Part of me still feels the incredible impulsive desire to get rid of 90% of my home stuff (I should just put it in a storage unit. that would be wiser.) and sell my car and buy a camper - drive down and park it on Rachael's property. When this first year of school is up maybe I will talk to her about it and actually consider it. Or talk to Star about it and go back to NC. idk. it would be a lot to financially figure out and take on.
like I said. I will need guidance from the gods and community. I'll deal with that later when the stress of it all puts me under.
But what I can release?
I can release my fear of shame.
Shame is just a preconceived judgment that I pass on myself. Do I judge people for not being instantly good at things? No. Why should I judge myself? Do I judge others for doing things they enjoy even if they do it badly? No - in fact I admire them. Why do I think the judgment of some would out weight the admiration of others? I should admire my own bravery and confidence of living for my own joy and not the opinions of others.
I didn't go to the gym all three days I was supposed to? Why feel ashamed? My body needed the rest. I listened to my body. No shame in that.
All I need to do to resolve my fixation on shame, is to be kind to myself. Easier said than done... but its a simple task. Simple - not easy.
This won't be something I do over night... but its a realistic goal I can work with.
I can also release resentment.
The resentment I hold against my body will take time and hard work. I partially resent my body for how much maintenance it requires - its exhausting thinking about having to stretch every day? how often I need to eat? to drink? Human bodies require a LOT of mental and physical energy to upkeep and I do resent that.
The biggest reason I resent my human body is because I blame it for how disconnected I feel - but in all honesty I know that's not my body's fault. Its the focus on money, the limited energy, the limited attention span. Connection will improve when my stress levels go down. When spiritual connection stems from peace - its hard to reach when you are always in fight or flight. I need to release my resentment for my body.
My body is my home. My body lets me connect to people in the way I wish to connect to spirits. Spirits cannot connect to us the way that I can connect to other people - that is a blessing of being human. I can touch and be touched. I can comfort and be comforted. I can listen and be heard. My body may not be the ethereal beauty of spirit but it is beautiful in its own way. I know my beauty will only grow as I learn to release shame as well.
I can release the resentment I hold against Christianity - it is not the faith that should be resented, its the people who corrupt it or who use it as a smoke screen for corruption. I know there are good Christians who actually follow the teachings of Christ. I know that the religion itself is not evil or bad in the same way paganism isn't evil or bad. Every faith will have assholes. Any corrupt person with power can use ANY religion to manipulate and control. I need to realize the resentment I feel isn't the church itself, its the people who warped it. It was the youth pastor. It was the preacher. It was the bullies. It was the politicians. Mind you... there are whole denominations who are corrupt and warped... but it, again, is a reflection of the people. not the faith.
I need to learn to release the resentment I have for my own weakness. I have been battling mental illness for 20+ years. My mind is tired. I'm not truly weak... I am just tired.
As for the impulsiveness? It honestly makes sense. As I am slowly learning to love myself and allow myself to enjoy things, coupled with the fact that I am constantly to mean and harsh to myself, that in a moment of "fuck it - I want to feel good/I deserve to feel enjoyment" I indulge myself to counter the rigid cruelty I usually aim at myself. If something will bring pleasure/enjoyment my body and mind jump at the chance. If I can learn to be more kind to myself - give myself pleasant experiences in moderation and constantly, then I won't feel the need to be reckless and impulsive.
I also need to realize that it is a side effect of mania. I repeat from above... I've been dealing with this shit for 20+ years and I am so fucking exhausted. My control slips. I am not ashamed of it... but I need to let go of the resentment.
I can let go of the resentment I feel towards the military. In much the similar fashion to Christianity - its not the military itself I should resent - its the people who run it. Its the policy makers. Its also not meant for everyone. The military is designed to break the uniqueness and create cohesive consistency. How people react to it is on them. The military did not take my sister - she turned into someone I did not like based on her experiences. I couldn't resent her so I resented what I perceived to be the culprit. She mellowed out and she is once again someone I like. It was never the military's fault. There is also a lot of good that the military does.
I have my own ritual I plan to do for releasing this, as I suspect it is needed for my future happiness.
Finally... I can release the resentment I hold towards my younger self. She didn't know how she deserved to be treated because no one had ever shown her. She was doing the best she could. She loved deeply and she was afraid of being alone so she told herself it was love that kept her there. When we got hurt, she didn't fight because her body told her to fight was too dangerous.
My younger self did what she thought and felt and convinced herself she needed to in order to survive. And you know what? She did. She is the reason that I am here today. She is the reason I am wiser now. She is the reason I have such a strong passion to help others - helping them is my way of helping her now that I can be someone she needed. She was bound by fear and shame and compassion. I will break those bindings for her. None of it was her fault.
Ho'opomopono
I'm sorry - to my body for blaming you for things that were not your fault.
Please forgive me - to my mind for my cruel words and refusal to understand
I love you - to my past self for doing what you could at the time to take care of me
I thank you - to my current self for continuing to do what you can to take care of me.
