bye bye elisi

well, my grandmother came to town wendsday and it was great.... only yesterday she and my mom had some issues and my mom blew up and broke somethings. so this morning she left. .... today is friday, she was going to leave monday.

now, i am isapointed in my mom for loosing her temper like that... but to be honest.. she had a good reason to be mad. my grandmother aparently spent the money she was going to give us to help get past a tough spot financially. but my mom blew up over something small..... so really it just sucks.

and to top it off, she didn't know my grandma was leaving. she actually left without saying good by to my mom. if my mom had known, maybe she would have apologized.... again. it all sucks.

not mad at anyone. a little sad.

feeling better

well i am feeling even better! only a mild head ache, deep cough (they hurt :/ ), stuffy nose, and i'm still getting hot and cold flashes! but i'm still in a good mood and i don't actually feel BAD.

Plus i actually slept pretty good last night. no nightmares or intense dreams, and i woke up with one of my cats (sweet pea) laying with me.

hopefully this cough will stop seeing as i just hacked up some phlegm that was practically solid from what felt like the bottom of my lungs... so hopefully that is the last of it!!


and Thoth be with me, i have my first final exam today >.<!!!

to do

so.... i've been distant latley. spiritually distant. and i want to fix that.

so here is my to do list:

• meditate 5 minutes every day (then move to 10)
• start writing poems again
• start writing to my spirit guide again
• start making a list of things to research 
• start updating my BOS
• get some crystals

looking better!

So.. now all i have left of me being sick are hot/cold flashes, stuffy/runny nose, and a cough. fever broke. finally. yay.

and Mckenzie, someone i really look up to, i mentioned her in another post a little while ago. i believe it was called "fine.", she held me and tried to warm me up today at lunch when i was having a cold flash :3
and she let me cuddle up to her during 3rd period <3. i think i look up to her in a maternal sort of way.

anyway... starting to feel better :)

~peace

memorial day weekend

well this weekend has been pretty fair :) i got to see my best friend and spend the whole day with him. (which makes me make a little... rant?no... side thought here) I didn't get sunburned and i had a blast! i got to make a new friend and my little sister got t have a day out which is something she has been needing.  this was sunday.

Saturday we did our detailed and full forced spring cleaning. the house looks amazing now.

however, my throat started hurting friday night, saturday it felt like i drank acid, sunday it was sore but tolerable, sunday night i couldn't stop coughing o i kind of felt like i could breathe fire, and now i can swallow with only slight irritation in the throat. i do however want to cough ever 10 seconds.

since yesterday my nose has been horrible, i can barley breathe (except this morning... i can finally breath but i smell mucus with every breathe and it makes me cough), my nose has been stuffed up AND runny AT THE SAME TIME  and not all around my nostrils are raw and painful.

i have hld a constant low grade fever although it is slowly moving up. through this weekend i have had around (idk if i can remember them to the exact point)  98.9, 98.7, 99, 99.4, 100.5.

and i feel... like i have cotton and lead for limbs. weird, but thats hw i feel. soon i will become pretty brainless, as that is what usually happens when i'm sick, and will feel like i have cotton for brains.

oh and this is one unfortunate thing for me when i'm sick: when i'm sick i want to cuddle with everyone, but no one wants to cuddle with me. except my cat.

dspite being sic, i have thoroughly enjoyed my weekend.

***side note
all day sunday jake and kit (another really good guy friend) kind of took care of me. it was nice. for some reason i was pretty much freezing the whole day so kt let me have is jacket and his heavy duty towel which kept me warm after swimming in FREEZING COLD WATER. kit would always wait for me or walk with m when i was slower than everyone else ad when kit didn't, jake would.

on the ride back home jake sacrificed his pina-colatta drink (it was virgin, so no worries) because he knew that coconut sooths sore throats. pretty much whenever i coughed jake would look at me and be like "lisa is dying!" jokingly, but i know he was a bit worried. just a bit.

that is something i really want in a partner. someone who will take care of me when i'm sick like that. to be honest.... if jake was a girl, then she would be perfect. he is perfect as he is to be my best friend... but i really wan my partner to be a lot like jake. funny, good with kids, caring, protective, smart, ambitious, patient, kind...

Driving

let me tell you a little something about me and driving. we don't mix.
when i drive i get very nervous and anxious... my mind can't focus properly on all the things its supposed to. if i'm paying attention to where i'm supposed to go, i don't see the light change color. if i'm focusing on the cars around me, i can't focus on where i'm going. i don't remember how to get to places. i struggle to stay in my lane..... driving and i go together like water and oil.

then there are the dreams...

whenever i am driving in a dream it is always chaotic. i never have control of the vehicle and i usually end up going against on comming traffic at high speeds. i swerve and try to take control but it fails.

the other driving dreams i have involve me going throug a certain traffic light that i have to go through to get home from my best friend's hpuse. In the dream when i get there, the light is red, but i can't stop. my breaks don't work and i run the light and get in an accident and die.

i have had the brakes dream many many times.


driving scares me. i know i'm going to die in a car accident, but thats not why t scares me. I'm not affraid to die. but i get anxious and nervous and tense and my mind freaks out everytime i'm behind the wheel. yet.... i'm 17 and i still only have my permit. i havn't driven in a year... i have to get a job this summer and then i have to get my licence. i'm screwed.

peace corp

The Peace Corps is a volunteer program run by the United States government. The stated mission of the Peace Corps includes three goals: providing technical assistance; helping people outside the United States to understand American culture; and helping Americans to understand the cultures of other countries. The work is generally related to social and economic development. Each program participant, a Peace Corps Volunteer, is an American citizen, typically with a college degree, who works abroad for a period of 24 months after three months of training. Volunteers work with governments, schools, non-profit organizations, non-government organizations, and entrepreneurs in education, hunger, business, information technology, agriculture, and the environment. After 24 months of service, volunteers can request an extension of service.

i'm thinking about joining the peace corp after i get out of college if i can't find a good job. i want to help build homes and schools, maybe teach? i think i would enjoy teaching america about other cultures they don't understand.... i want to make a difference for someone.  I want my life to be worth living. i want it to mean something.

thriller movie in psychology

so (i'm in batter mood btw) we were watching "the house at the end of the street"  in psychology class today... WHOOOOOOOOO~  i thought i was going to have to leave the room! we are still in the first25 minutes and we had to leave off there because the bell wrang... but woah... intense. i love it. i want to watch it when i get home.. but there is no way i will  be able to watch it alone!! maybe i can talk my twin into watching it with me? >.<


this is one of those times i either want a girlfriend.... or Jake to be with me...  lol cuz then i can cuddle and hide my face from the intensity!

love this song :3

Lana del Rey  -Serial Killer


Wish I may, wish I might,
Find my one true love tonight.
Do you think that he,
Could be you?
If I pray really tight,
Get into a fake bar fight,
While I'm walking down,
The avenue.
If I lay really quiet,
I know that what I do isn't right,
I can't stop what I,
Love to do.
So I murder love in the night,
Watching them fall one by one they fight,
Do you think you'll,
Love me too, ooh, ooh?
Baby, I'm a sociopath,
Sweet serial killer.
On the warpath,
'Cause I love you,
Just a little too much.
I love you just,
A little too much.
(Much, much, much).
You can see me,
Drinking cherry cola,
Sweet serial killer.
I left a love note,

Said you know I love,
The thrill of the rush.
You know I love,
The thrill of the rush.
(Rush, rush, rush).
(You send me right to heaven),
Sweet serial killer,
(I guess I'll see him over).
Do it for the thrill of the rush,
Love you just a little too much, much.
(You send me right to heaven),
Sweet serial killer,
(I guess I'll see him over).
I love you just a little too much,
Love you just a little too much, much.
My black fire's burning bright,
Maybe I'll go out tonight.
We can paint the town,
In blue.
I'm so hot, I ignight,
Dancing in the dark and I shine.
Like a light I'm,
Luring you.
Sneak up on you, really quiet,
Whisper "am I what your heart desires?"
I could be your,
Ingenue.
Keep you safe, and inspired,
Baby, let your fantasies unwind.
We can do what you,
Want to do, ooh, ooh.
Baby, I'm a sociopath,
Sweet serial killer.
On the warpath,
'Cause I love you,
Just a little too much.
I love you just,
A little too much.
(Much, much, much).
You can see me,
Drinking cherry cola,
Sweet serial killer.
I left a love note,
Said you know I love,
The thrill of the rush.
You know I love,
The thrill of the rush.
(Rush, rush, rush).
(You send me right to heaven),
Sweet serial killer,
(I guess I'll see him over).
Do it for the thrill of the rush,
Love you just a little too much, much.
(You send me right to heaven),
Sweet serial killer,
(I guess I'll see him over).
I love you just a little too much,
Love you just a little too much, much.
(Just have fun), wanna,
Play you like a game boy.
(Don't want one), what's,
The thrill of the same toy?
La la, la la la, la la,
La la lie down, down.
(Just have fun), wanna,
Play you like a game boy.
(Don't want one), what's,
The thrill of the same toy?
La la, la la la, la la,
La la lie down, down, down.
Ugh.
You can see me,
Drinking cherry cola,
Sweet serial killer.
I left a love note,
Said you know I love,
The thrill of the rush.
You know I love,
The thrill of the rush.
(Rush, rush, rush).
(You send me right to heaven),
Sweet serial killer,
(I guess I'll see him over).
Do it for the thrill of the rush,
Love you just a little too much, much.
(You send me right to heaven),
Sweet serial killer,
(I guess I'll see him over).
I love you just a little too much,

Mac's

Makes are so hard to use... i hate their mouse!! it so hard to fucking click on anything! and its hard to maneuver .. why were normal laptops no longer good enough? what was wrong with them? why do schools get new stuff like mac's instead of helping out where money is really needed?

i mean come on! they are so frustrating!

new Gmail

Have i mentioned how much i HATE the new Gmail? the composition on that saves every 7 seconds lik the google doc.s?

yeah if you make one screw up you can't undo it cuz it saved!!!! now i have to re-hunt every piece of freaking information for my project i was using in that email!!!!!!!!
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

tired and cranky

well this morning i come to school, after being cussed at by my mom, and all i hear is this annoying squeaky voice from a video some kid is watching with his friends. I try not to let it bother me, but the longer i hear it, the more irritated i get.

Finally i tell my sister that the asshole needs to get some headphones and she just rolls her eyes and says something along the lines of "just calm down".

She then proceeds to tell everyone that i am tired and cranky.

fuck yeah i'm cranky. I HATE squeaky annoying voices... i mean this one was worse then "Fred".   And it continued for like..15 minutes!! idk if it had ben repeated or what but i wanted to throw that phone across the room. after hitting it with a baseball bat.

Plus who would be in a good mood after being cussed at and yelled at first thing in the morning? My mom over sleeps and then she acts like it our fault and takes her stress out on us by cussing every other word when she talks to us and yelling angrily. Excuse me for wanting to contain my irritation.

quotes

honestly i can't think of a topic to blog about today.  so i'll just put some quotes i really like?

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

"You see, sometimes I'm good. Oh, I'm very good. But sometimes I'm bad. But only as bad as I wanna be. Freedom is power. To live a life untamed and unafraid is the gift..." - Catwoman

An eye for an Eye leaves the whole wotld blind. - Gandhi 

If a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live" Martin Luther king jr.

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened  Happiness never decreases by being shared.  - Buddha


Allegra Pazzi: Dr. Fell, do you believe a man could become so obsessed with a woman, from a single encounter? 
Hannibal Lecter: Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for her and find nourishment in the very sight of her? I think so. But would she see through the bars of his plight and ache for him? 

gay rights

alright so i want to clear something up. Marriage isn't the only issue... Even in states where same sex couples can get married, they still don't get the federal benefits (over 131 at least) from the marriage because of DOMA (defense of marriage act) which defines marriage as between  a man and a woman.

but on a good note: As of May 2013 Twelve states allow same sex marriages, grant domestic partnerships, or have some form of protection for same sex couples:

Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Maine, Maryland, Washington, Rhode Island, Delaware, and Minnesota …

Along with the District of Columbia, the Coquille Indian Tribe, the Suquamish tribe, and the Little Traverse Bay Bands of Odawa Indians which too, have all legalized same sex marriages.

In 29 states a person can still be fired for being gay.

as far as adoption goes Florida is the only state that forbids any same gender couples from adopting. California, the District of Columbia, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island (allows it if they are married and they recognize same gender marriages done in other states), Vermont, Washington, and Wisconsin allow joint custody to both parents.but all other states only give custody to one parent or married couples, but seeing as there are still many states that don't allow same gender marriages so only one person in the couple would have custody.


Under current FDA guidelines, gay men are not allowed to donate blood unless they have been celibate for at least five years.

According to the most recent hate crime statistics, roughly 15% of bias-motivated crimes are committed on the basis of perceived sexual orientation.

we still have a long way to go, but t least now at least 12 states allow same sex marriages and the "don't as don't tell" policy was removed. 

dating

i wasn't sure what to blog about today, so i'll just gop with dating,

Dating in itself is not easy, find someone to date that is... but  it is even harder when you are gay.
I have been single for over a year... i have been looking for maybe a month after i first became single. I have tried to look within my school... nope. my friend supposedly has a friend who i was supposed to meet a while back but she got sick and it has yet to be rescheduled. there is a girl who goes to another school that is in the same city as me, but idk... :/

dating is hard and being lonley sucks.

Tree people

Tree people or forest dwellers are what i plan to call elves and nature fearies in my (hopeful) book. Right now i'm still working on the plot, but i plan to build a world and have it secure for the actual story... and maybe  others in the same world?

well Forest dwellers or tree people are peaceful nature lovers... the equivalent of elves and i'm thinking along the Erogon-tolkien type elves. For the humans that they adopt and that live with him, i plan to have them like the elves or fearies  in mind and VERY hippie-ish.


there are different types of tree people:

Forest dwellers
- Magia (elves... these are the stereotypical 'tree people' as the majority of humans call them)
- flower people (the humans taken in by Magia)
- elementals (fearies that are actually nature, but they usually reside in the forest, such as trees that can talk)
- botoms (giblins and the like)

Nights (darker fea)
- Night Magia (dark elves- not necessarily evil! but dark...)
-shadow elementals
-sirens
-goblins (weaker an sneaky earth elementals.... think Golem from Lord of the rings)
- any other type of fea that chooses to serve darker powers and darker gods

Elementals
- fire

• dragons - the usual dragons... only they can take human form and are fierce warriors.
• salamanders - humans trained by dragons, some can use flame magick
• phoenix - very similar to dragons, only they are all female and they access their fire magick through songs. They are amazingly fluid fighters, but tend to be more into healing than fighting.

-water

• mermaids - they are basically water Magia, they just happen to have beautiful tails instead of legs and feet.... they sing and are usually healers and guides at sea.
• nymphs - beings made of water magic, they are the spirits of rivers and lakes and creeks
• sirens - use water magic through music, draw in sailors to their deaths.... they are a darker more malevolent version of mermaids 

- earths

• Dwarves (both tall and short)
• gnomes (they like to garden)
• goblins
• trolls (many sizes)

- Home

• brownies (you don't usually see them, but they like to help clean and play little tricks)
• smaller pixies (usually in the forest though)

Hippies

ok so in Hon US history (i refused to take that in AP... too intimidating) we are learning about the Vietnam war (total m bull crap... America was blind in that war and so ignorant!!!) and he said we would  start getting into the war protests...aka: HIPPIES <3 <3 <3 <3

we already began to talk about them today with woodstalk and we listened to some of their anti-war songs. awesome. My teacher, who is very awesome btw, said that woodstalk was a rock concert that gave people a way to do drugs and have sex in the mud for three days.

i really wish i could have been there... as much of a rule-follower i am, i am a hippie at heart. and i really understand it!! Defying the rules society has laid down, saying no to going to war,saying fuck yoju to the government, taking a stand for things you are passionate about.... living life full of pleasure and happieness... sounds about perfect to me. As for the STD's and drug overdoses... better to live life short and love it than to live long and always say "i wish i had..." .

Honestly, i wish there were times like that in today's society. I wish it was alright to take hallucinogen drugs and to have free love. but in today's time, it is frowned upon and not respectable . plus the drugs cn pretty much ruin any chance you have of getting a good career. damn. haha

oh well, better to be a hippie at heart and dream of it being different than to ruin my future.. right?

Nightwish - storytime

'Twas the night before,When all through the world,No words, no dreamsThen one day,A writer by a fireImagined all of GaiaTook a journey into a child-man's heart...
A painter on the shoreImagined all the worldWithin the snowflake on his palmUnframed by poetryA canvas of awePlanet Earth falling back in to the stars...
I am the voice of Never-Never-Land,The innocence, the dreams of every man,I am the empty crib of Peter-Pan,A silent kite against the blue, blue sky,Every chimney, every moonlit sightI am the story that will read you real,Every memory that you hold dear
I am the journey,I am the destination,I am the homeThe tale that reads youA way to taste the night,The elusive highFollow the madness,Alice, you know once did
Imaginarium, a dream emporiumCaress the talesAnd they will dream you realA storyteller's game,Lips that intoxicateThe core of all lifeIs a limitless chest of tales...
I am the voice of Never-Never-Land,The innocence, the dreams of every man,I am the empty crib of Peter-Pan,A silent kite against the blue, blue sky,Every chimney, every moonlit sightI am the story that will read you real,Every memory that you hold dear

I am the voice of Never-Never-Land,The innocence, the dreams of every manSearching heavens for another earth...


This song and lyrics just speak to me... ya know?

lonely

so.. i'm lonely. I don't need a girlfriend to be strong, i don't need a girlfriend to be happy.But it would be nice. It would be nice to have someone to always talk to. It would be nice to have someone i can confide my  insecurities in without them thinking i am pathetic. it would be nice to have someone to encourage me to face my fears; to have someone always there to give me a boost; someone to encourage my artistic side; to have someone to be silly with; to have someone to be protective over; to have someone be protective over me.

It would be nice to have someone hold me, to come up from behind me and hug me me. It would be nice to have someone for me to hug from behind. It would be nice to have someone to comfort, to hold, to write poems for, to draw them pictures. I need a person who will take care of me and not feel burdened, but someone i can take care of as well.

But the more i think about the things i want in a girl, the more i feel like i will never find her; not any time soon if ever...

May all paths converge as one (Original song)

* i picture it being sung kind of slowly, but lively and to African drums.

people of the old, people of the new
follow the path that calls out to you,
be it at the cross, the earth or the moon,
follow your feet to where you need to...
walking together, holding of hands,
doesn't mater where your lands may fall,
we are all equal, in our paths,
all proud beings standing tall.

So beat it! Amen! Blessed be!
all to-ge-ther
namaste! be at peace!
no need to fight, no need to fight!
So be it! Amen! Blessed be!
all together namaste!
be at peace

(tempo change)

you can pray to one god.
you can follow old ways.
you can cherish the land.
love is where you stand!
you can end your prayer "Amen"
you can call your god "father"
you can call the earth, your "goddess", "mother"
you can do none at all, its alright!

(back to normal)

So beat it! Amen! Blessed be!
all to-ge-ther
namaste! be at peace!
no need to fight, no need to fight!
So be it! Amen! Blessed be!
all together namaste!
be at peace

(next part speeds up)
It doesn't matter what you are
It doesn't matter what you say
We are stronger arm in arm
walking together every day!

no need to fight, no need to fight
no need to fight, no need to fight!

(music stops)
no.need.to.fight. we are brothers.
no.need.to.fight. we have eachother.
no need. to fight. so take a hand, take another...
no need to fight, love one another!! (drums start again)

So beat it! Amen! Blessed be!
all to-ge-ther
namaste! be at peace
!no need to fight, no need to fight
!So be it! Amen! Blessed be!
all together namaste!
be at peace!

Song: Run through the forest (inspired by britt nicole's "when she cries")

walking through the trees,
her hands are scraped there is blood on her knees
the tears are burning in her eyes,
she knows she lucky to even be alive.
but who will hear her when she cries?
who be the one to help her survive?

run through the forest
set your heart free
dance in the forest
let your pain sing out,
let it fall from your eyes
blessed one let it fall
you are not alone at all!

pretty boy pretending to sleep
he tries to block you the thoughts but they creep - in
he hears them through the wall,
he tries to fight the facts that's just down the hall...
but his parents they yell and they scream out!
his world is shaken by the pain and the doubt...

run through the forest,
set your heart free!
dance in the forest,
let your pain sing out!
let it fall from your eyes,
blessed one, let it fall,
for you are not alone at all!!

you're not alone!
we are inside of you,
don't be afraid,
let it out!
come to us and scream and shout!
we hear you

run through the forest 

set your heart free

dance in the forest

let your pain sing out,

let it fall from your eyes

blessed one let it fall

you are not alone at all!

we are the trees!
we are watching over you,
it will be ok, be ok,
you are part of everything!!
we love you...

run through the forest 

set your heart free

dance in the forest

let your pain sing out,

let it fall from your eyes

blessed one let it fall

you are not alone at all!

you're not alone!
you are not, not alone
you're not alone!
we hear you...
we love you...


blessed be.

*sigh*

well i don't think i will be getting a girlfriend any time soon. my only girlfriend came across me by chance. so i will probably have to wait two more years till i'm in college T_T.

So... i'll just put things that i hope my girlsfiend is like?

smart
funny
likes to cuddle
loooves to be silly
likes to go out, but doesn't mind staying in
open minded
spiritual
easy to talk to
playful
likes to do outdoors things
likes cats
likes to have light and heavy conversations
likes movies....
honest
positive
encouraging

uhh... yeah

Jake

One thing i am really looking forward to is swimming with Jake in  few weeks.  Jake is my best friend and has been my best friend for about 4 years now. we met in middle school, 7th grade, and he would bring me books to read. We both sat at "the good table" in art class and  we got along fine. In 8th grade i gew closer to him and we became really god friends. i sat with him at lunch and joke with him in math class.  But after that we went to different high school, thankfully it didn't change anything.  We ended up dating my...freshman? sophomore?... year in high school  Things didn't exactly end very happily and we stopped talking for a while. But it didn't last forever and now we are closer than ever.

To be honest, i love Jake. i will always love jake. If i were to, by some miracle, like guys then i would date him again in a heart beat. In fact, in a perfect world, i would like guys and i would still be with jake. If i had my way it would stay like that and if i could like guys and get married and live happily i would marry jake.

even now, if i was forced to get married i would choose jake over anyone.

He is closer to my heart than just about any other person (outside my family) and i wouldn't change that for the world. i just wish i could see him more often.

from now on

Well, i work in the library for my last class of the day this year and i am on the computer almost daily. So i think that i will just pick a topic, maybe at random, and blog about it! :D

sounds like a fun idea to me xD

cutting

OK, so i understand having suicidal thoughts. i understand being depressed, but the thing i don't understand is cutting. Yes i cut twice, once was because i paniced and needed something to calm me down, and the second time i was so angry i needed to hurt something and i was NOT about to hurt my cat.

but cutting because of depression? i just don't get it. how is hurting yourself physically going to help emotional pain? depression can already cause physical pain, why add more? Is it to match emotion to physical pain? is it to get a sense of control? idk.