pixie for prom

so prom is in like... 2 1/2 months... byu that time my hair will have grown out again. this is the hair cut i will hopefully get. this is what i want. (not the color, but the style)

my life

Which way do i go?

^ this.

My Fair Celtic Wedding

So i had a realization. as much as i want a faerie wedding... it really isn't realistic. plus as i see more and more more-traditional weddings, the more i fall in love. so here is my compromise:

a Celtic wedding. That is the theme. "My Fair Celtic Wedding".

There are soooo many BEAUTIFUL dresses that could be used.

 i was thinking one of use would be silver themed and the other would be gold/bronze. (preferably i would like silver, but i can go with gold/bronze)

so one of use would have a gold/bronze celtic head circlet, the other would have silver.

one of us would have gold on our dress, the other would have silver.

that kind of thing.

the bridesmaids/men would have outfits going along with each bride's color.

...
...

i want Woolard to walk me down the isle... with my mom on my other side.

now the order is up to my bride.
if she wants to go down the isle first, then she can.
If she wants to have me waiting for her as she goes down the isle, then i will go first. :)

now.. depending if she is pagan or not, i would prefer to have a tieing of our hands together (tieing the knot) or the whole pouring seperate goblets into one and each taking a sip after giving vows we had written ourselves. If she is pagan then having a high priest or priestess give a pagan ceremony. If not then it would be a non-religious ceremony. but celtic none the less.

Favors:


for men:


for women:
 


and for food, i was thinking actual celtic/irish/scottish dishes.  :D

our colors could be green, silver, gold/bronze, and whatever color she wants. :)

ugh

ugh... i am so lonley.

not that i'm-desperate-someone-love-me type lonley.... but a i'm-awesome-where-is-my-special-someone type lonley. i know i'm awesome. i just havn't met a girl (and been attracted to her) that can see that.

right now, i don't care if we are dating.... i want a girl to cuddle up with and make out. i'm not horny people, just lonley. i want someone to hold. i want someone to hold me.  i want someone to kiss and i want someone to kiss me.

gosh why can't i find someone? i'm trying to be patient but damn!

what?

d;sklfjga dfjglieryfg dljvbaryifgafdljad vlifjhabshleiuryp uifdjbvasluyr ieudhfp q98efy ipequhbqdln qelri8fywef;jb;wiuyebf f  fleijhfeqbf lviuwj ldkuheqlfbelfihefl fleufkhe lkjdhqepb jd jehrfeh  kjehbm kjhkj kjher ieuhfbw wiouehfbwrf.

^ this is what everything looks and sounds like to me right now.

why am i human?
why did i choose to be human.
humans are stupid.

i can understand

i can understand why people get high.

i can understand why people smoke.

i can understand why people drink.

i can understand why people kill others.

i can understand why people kill themselves.

i can understand why people become hermits.

i can understand why people choose to disappear .

i can understand why.

tired

i am so tired and apathetic this morning.... i have so much to do and the thought only makes me want to sleep.

i want to write, daydream, read, go for a walk....ANYTHING other than deal with life right now.

gods i hate being in a group with racheal. She completely ignoreswhat i have to say- even though i KNOW what i am talking about. She and conley both do that. - drives me crazy.

now add that irritation to apathy and no will power to do work... greeeeeeaaaaat.


i just want out....
take me out of science and logic...take me to freedom. to art. theater. where imagination rules supreme.

let me go outside...with flowers and spring and summer and let me spin and laugh and escape...

take me out of the classroom...out of this cage...

take me home to sleep in my warm bed so that i don't focus on the confined restrictions of this world.

take me to the lands of old, with dreams and hopes and faerie gold...
take to the magic land, take me to neverland,
take me my peter pan, takeme to he faerieland,
take me by my hand, take me to the summerland,
take me away from this strange land, take me the freedom land.

let me walk hand in hand
with the ones who laugh and sing.

let me dance hand in hand,
laughing along the faerie ring.

Let me sing hand in hand,
with fun and mayhem bring,

let me go hand in hand,
let me be a carless thing.

what are we waiting for?

tell me what lays beyond the window.

what lays beyond the door?

why are we just sitting here?

what are we waiting for?

We sit here wasting time,

wondering what to do.

We wait here thinking on our own,

i'll do it just like you.

Playing along with everyone else,

joining in and disappearing.

in the end we loose ourselves

this should be what we are fearing.

But all we think about is what is ahead,

money and taxes, swirling around, 

things like this fill us with dread,
causing us to miss the peaceful sounds.

Outside the window, outside our wall

in which we hide behind in fear, 

Exotic beauty is standing tall,

beckoning us to come near. 

tell me what lays beyond the window.

what lays beyond the door?

why are we just sitting here?

what are we waiting for?

Homework List

Physics
- Vocabulary
-Pogo Webassign (optional)

Tennis/Mrs.Winter Sports
-look at form via email
-call possible stores/donors

Math
-

Art
- mermaid/selkie to phoenix/dragon sketches (water to fire)
-hypogrif to centaur sketches (air to earth-fire)

Theater

Jop Applications
-Foodlion
-Carmike Cinema
-Sheets

Call:
- Financial Aid Office at Agnes Scott; ask about work study.

SCHOLARSHIPS.SCHOLARHSIPS.SCHOLARSHIPS.

all the single ladies..all the single ladies...

OK so apparently Ashley wants to go out to dinner with me for valentines day.... i would LOVE to... but i have to save my money now to reserve my seat at Agnes.

And then she is having a single's party that night... from what i can tell it single girls....great right? so far? THEY.ARE.ALL.STRIAGHT. uuuuughhh

seriously?

i really want to kjiss/get kissed for valentines day... but i don't know any lesbian/bi girls that are single/near by/ interested in me.

i'm not doing that whole i'm-single-and-desperate thing. i'm not. i'm fine being single.... but man i really want a fucking girlfriend.

SOOO AWESOME

balance

its all about balance...

not gonna lie... i struggle with it.

i can be strong without being rude. -check
be kind but not weak- most of the time
be bold but don't bully - i don't bully, but being bold i need to work on..
humble not shy - i need to work on
confident not arrogant - what real confidence i have is no where near arrogance - check

physics

i am going to love my physics class.... he has a sense of humor. we will be learning hands on. and one word: fieldtrips.

I have said before that chaos isn't necessarily bad. I found the theory of chase that explains it quite nicely.
here is the link:
http://www.angelfire.com/nc2/northerncommunion/chaos.html

Theory of Chaos

1. Chaos is random creation and destruction. Things must be destroyed to create, and be created to destroy. Creation is followed by destruction, and destruction is followed by creation.

2. Chaos applies to matter. If matter is destroyed, then it is eventually reformed (not necessarily into what it previously was) into different molecular or atomic structures, therefore creating something else. Creation cannot exist without destruction, or there would be nothing to create from. Destruction cannot exist without creation, or there would be nothing to destroy.

3. Chaos applies to emotions. One emotion is destroyed as another is created, which is, in turn, destroyed to make way for another created emotion (or state of mind).

4. Chaos applies to life. As one life is destroyed, another is created, and as one is created, another is destroyed.

5. Chaos is the only proof of time. If no creation or destruction took place, then time would stand still until creation and destruction took place once more.

6. Energy is neither created nor destroyed, it is merely changed from one form to another. Nothing can be created nor destroyed, as creation and destruction are merely terms for the change in substance or form of atomic and molecular structures. If this is so, then everything is subject to the Laws of Thermodynamics, and everything changes from one form to another.

7. Order and Chaos (usually thought of as opposites) are, in reality, the same thing. Order is dependent upon Chaos. Chaos is the order of creation and destruction. The process of create, destroy, create, destroy etc. follows the same order.

In and out

Well.. i went on a 3 1/2 day trip with the youth group to TN. I am so very jealous of christianity... they have their songs, community... but i know i am not part of that religion. Hell. <- nope. amungst other things.

The new youth pastor is great. i love him! For as long as i can remember in the outh i wasn't payed too much attention, holly did pay attention but she was always very distracted.

this guy? Andrew? He will randomly pop out of nowhere and strike up a convo with me :) and when he talks to me he says my name. That makes me feel included. I like him :) he has the same spiritual gift i have:  love for everyone without any cause for it. We both just love people automatically.

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO AGNES SCOTT. YEAH!!!!! WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! THANK YOU!! PRAISE THE GODS! YESSS!!!!!!! THANK YOU THOTH!!


so:

in:
Agnes Scott
Andrew
confidence

out:
Insecurity
Jake
jealousy over Christianity.  - i will experience it at any pagan festival/omnia concert

change in tides...

well mom spoke to me. she could have asked racheal to ask me about dinner, but she poke to me.

and idk about this girl... i think religious differences would be too much... She doesn't like church and state seperation and a few other major things..

epic chick

so there is this really awesome chic i met on OKCupid that seems awesome!!!! her profile shows she is confident, although she does have a body image issue (anorexia), she is interested in gay stuff and she is confident in her sexuality.

she has an awesome sense of humor xD

she is gorgeous!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand:


she lives in Indiana.
T.T

yup.

yeah so mom is def giving me the silent treatment.

rach called her when we got home.


she called later and i happened to pick up the phone. "who is this?" "Lisa" "can i speak to racheal please?"...

logical part of me says it wasn't personal, maybe she has something to talk to racheal about.

she isn't talking to me.
fine.

good morning

well so i think my my mom isn't talking to me still.

this morning she walked right by me and asked racheal what scarf she should wear.
whenever she needs advice with clothes she always asks us both. It was like i wasn't there.

She spoke to me but only to yell at me to get out of her way. i was walking to slow for her.

when i said goodbye and that i loved her she only responded after racheal said the same thing.

"bye love yall, good luck".

she did it plural, but she only did it after racheal spoke to her.

fine.

i'll do the same to her.
only speak to her when i have no other choice.

like when i call her to let her know i'm home.
that will be interesting.

this makes me sick to my stomach.

positives and negatives

in this very unpleasant arura in the house...
and with my growing bad mood...
here is a list

• mom isn't speaking to me.
• she puts off a negative aura.
• i didn't get to finish my presentation in english.
• mom and mary are sill not on good terms, and now i'm in the middle of it. 
• i still don't have a date to the prom.
• i'm in a bad mood
• whenever i think of my mom now i get a sick feeling in my gut. i hate fighting with her.
• i hate it when she thinks i'm trying to start shit. - I'M NOT.

and  i figure i should make a list of positive things:

• my blog is actually letting me type on my laptop. before hand i had to type it in facebook and then copy-paste it on here.
• i got a 96 on my yearbook exam.
• i got a 95 on my English exam.
• i have a beautiful cat name smokey that i love.
• its a beautiful full moon tonight.
• i've had fewer cramps today.
• i got to read some more of "insurgent"

silent game

great....

so i talked with mary. told her some of the rude comments mom told me last night.

i come home from youth tonight and mom is really quiet and obviously not happy.
she says she has a headache when i ask her if she is alright.

now she isn't talking to me.

great.

we were bonding and everything was fine and then this.

nothing good can last, can it?
fuck.
i can play the silent game too.

thanks mom.

i am so tired of this.

Mom thinks i'm trying to start shit between her and mary.

they aren't speaking to each other. because my mom is petty.

Now she is accusing me of saying things that i have NOT said. such as telling mary mom is avoiding her and making us call so she didn't have to talk to her.

now r its about Dicks sporting goods card that woolard gave us. i wasn't aware it was on cara's list. Mary thinks its wrong that it goes straight to cara and bypasses me and racheal. it didn't bother me.

i tell mary that we are going to use them for cara's shoes.
mary asks what shoes.
i tell her Cara's track shoes, she wants to join track next year.
mary asks my mom when she needs them by because she would pay for them.

now my mom is being petty AGAIN and thinks that i want them all to myself. i don't.
now she sent my sister to give them to me. i don't want to be in this petty game of hers.
i don't want to deal with this drama.

i don't want any fucking part of this!

i'm not trying to start shit.
i am not the one who told mary that we didn't want to be in the middle of her and mommas issues.
i am not thew one who said momma was avoiding her and making us talk to her instead.

i do NOT appreciate being accused of playing games.

fuck you. i'm not the one playing games. that is mom and mary. not me. i will not be drug into this.

now i don't necessarily like that these cards aren't going to be used for an entire year, when both rach and i could use them. but i don't want them all to myself. I do feel like its a bit of a waste, because there is no way those cards would be kept safe unti l a year from now, they would be long lost.

but now i don't want anything to do with them.
i'll repeat mom's words to me
"shove them up your ass".

right back at you.

i dont' want to be around cara. shes a brat.
i don't want to be around my mom. she's a mind game playing petty brat.
i don't want to be around mary. she's mind game playing also.
all three of them manipulate, over dramatisize... at least mary actually listens to somthign i say, although she then turns it around and twists it and ends up causing fights with me and my mom.

and i'm getting accused of playing games.

i feel like i'm just a pon and i'm tired of it.
i want to leave!

but i have no money.
no licence.
so i'm stuck.

typing agrily in my stupid blog.
that no one reads

fuck everything.

why can't i just be left alone?
why can't the grown ups actually grow up!?

just leave me out of it.

and don't you dare accuse me of playing fucking games! does she know how hypocritical that is!!!?

mary does it because she feels mom is cutting her out of our lives. which by her behavior  she is.

mom does it because she is so fucking insecure.

and we (the children) really do get caught in  the middle.

i just want to be left alone.
just leave me alone.


and i was in a good mood. HA. see how long that gets to last?

my fair wedding

so i've been watching "my fair wedding" a lot with my mom.... and its got me thinking.

despite what my mom and little sister think, i think it would be PERFECTLY FINE if both my bride and myself wore dresses and walked down the isle.  whoever proposed would walk down first, or would be standing at the alter.  i will be wearing a dress, if she wants to wear one as well, then she can wear one as well!

i want a faerie/fantasy/garden themed wedding. and i want the Lord and Lady represented with a pagan ceremony, not christian. Either that or a non religious specified ceremony. And prolly with us writing our own vows. :3

for the ceremony:




Bridal Gowns:
she/i could wear dresses like these (for the maiden):

 


(for the lord or any of the above in green/with antlers)



i personally like the third...

possible bridesmaids dresses:

 



walk to cocktail hour and to celebration and to ceremony:


for the dinner:








party:







but with more flowers and lights.... lots of flowers, sparkles...

possible jewelry for the bridesmaids:

  

 

jewelry for brides: 

 
 











wedding bands:

    
just get 2 with the jewls ^

food:

snacks:


    <-- cheesecake on a stick


horderves:


 

 

main coarse:
 

  

 



drinks:

lemonade


mixed drinks
 

 



Shirley temple (in a bottle like this )


juices/champagne



Desserts:
 

  

 









Favors:


for men:


for women:
 

wedding cake:

  
 

possible cake topper