oh wow

oh wow... so ita 1:03 and i get up at 6... i need to go to bed....

jake and i broke up in 2013 october of 2013...

thats a lot of missed time.

and being the selfish person that i am, i'm curious? did he ever think of me?

i know i missed him a lot.  and thought about him a lot.


"at least 30 seconds of every day. can't help it, he's like a bad habit" <-- hannibal quote hehe

and i never stopped loving him.

i just was hurting.

idk if i'll ever fully forgive him for breaking my heart, but if their is the possibility i might get my best friend back? hell yeah.

gods be praised.

i'll have to talk with him some more tomorrow.

thank you snapchat

closure and mending bridges (jake - yes, you read that right)

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO I JUST HAD A CONVERSATION WITH.


..
..
...
.....
jake.

yup.
you read that right.

jake.

broke-my-heart-jake.
my-best-friend-jake.

guys...

ok.

so.

turns out that after we split? he read my blog.

all of it.
ALL.
OF.
IT,

like.... all the way to the first post.

now he hasn't read it for a while and he has forgotten what its called (thank the gods)

but he read it for a while after we split.

and you know what? at first i was horrified... he read all the angry, hurt, and vindictive posts... but now i feel glad. i always felt like i never got to actually tell him how i felt, but now i know he knows. he read them.
all.

this gives me a sense of closure.


and he isn't even mad.

he said that he himself had said some not so nice things. so it was fine.

guys...

could this mean i might get my best friend back?

holy shit.

i almost can't breathe.

and you know what i am about to do? read every post i made until i stopped posting about jake.

just to refresh my memory and know what he read.

and its 11:04...

i have an 8 AM class in the morning...which mean i need to be up by 6...

oh this is going to be fun.

but guys...

i am so happy i could cry.

blind date

so last night i went on my first blind date.

her name is stacy and is the roomate of a coworker/friend of mine. He brought his date (whom he met sunday, but it is obvious that they are SOOOO into eachother.) and we all went to noodles and co. for some food, the went back to their apartment and watched the second purge movie.

found out that she is into fandoms like me, loves all kinds of music, and is a really happy person. she seems pretty cool and i wouldn't mind seeing her again :)

soon. :)

HUFFLEPUFF wishlist

http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/product_view/Jessicaveranda/10943008/hoghwart_school_-_hufflepuff/handmade/accessories/cases/cell_phone - ipod touch 5th generation

https://www.etsy.com/listing/217187591/harry-potter-clothing-hufflepuff-values?ref=sr_gallery_26&ga_search_query=hufflepuff&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_max=25&ga_page=2&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

https://www.etsy.com/listing/207538980/unisex-hufflepuffs-do-it-in-the-kitchens?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=hufflepuff+shirt&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_page=4&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

https://www.etsy.com/listing/210271618/harry-potter-inspired-hogwarts-house?ref=sr_gallery_23&ga_search_query=hufflepuff+shirt&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_page=2&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

New look (comin back)

Reference picture: 

How it came out: 

Just my luck

So I have 2 small crushes. One is a guy from work ( not going anywhere, because *cough* lesbian*cough*) and the other is a really cute girl from my archeology class who happens to be asexual and grey-romantic. Just my luck.

Now for those of you who don't know: asexual is a sexual orientation just like hetero, homo, and bi sexuality. Where as those are the attraction to others in a sexual way, asexuals lack sexual attraction. They do not desire or crave sex. It's not the same thing as being celibate, celibacy is a choice. 

She happens to be grey romantic. Which is a cross between romantic (wanting to have a intimate and romantic relationship) and aromantic (not wanting a romantic relationship). (Keep in mind sexual people can be aromantic... All sex no commitment)

I talked with her and the way she explains it is that she doesn't get crushed very often. She can count the number of of crushes she has ever had on one hand. 1. And she thinks that she might actually be demiromantic (you have to have a strong emotional bond to want a romantic relationship) because she had been best friends with the person for 6 years before she developed the crush.

Lol. Just my luck.

Still, life goes on and C'est La Vie

Kik girl

So... Somehow a random girl got my kik. And she was determined to get me to watch her masturbate. Naturally I deleted her from my messages.

But it prompts this blog. 

I don't like masturbation. I don't like doing it. I don't like hearing about it. I don't like watching it (if I'm watching porn and someone starts madturbating I'll actually skip that part). It makes me uncomfortable.  It's not a turn on for me. It's a turn off. 

I'm not against it. I know that madturbating is actually healthy and a great way to relieve stress. I just don't like it or anything involved with it. 

You do you, I'll just not.

So last night

I went to a party/gathering with work people again. This would be like . .. The 5th one. But this one was at karry's. She is the first person I would call a friend at work. She was there when I started. She really is cool.

And to be honest I felt so safe and comfortable with her last night... I drank. Last night I drank liquor for the first time. Raspberry smirinoff vodka shots ( I had a 1/2 one and a 3/4 one) and I drank a mix of a 1/2 shot with a little bit of juice. 

And I tried weed. Ew. Ick. No. God awful taste. Didn't really feel any different. Only actually hit it once and got "shot gun"ed twice. Eh. Don't think I'll be doing it again. 

There was only 4 of us when I did this, and it was agreed that no one else at work would know I did any if it. I'm not ashamed, I just like how it's known I don't drink. And I really don't. This was trying it out for the first time, with someone I look up to and feel safe with.

So I go to bed at 5.... It is 8:35 and I'm awake. Soooooo tired... But other than that I'm fine. And I have to poop. But I can't here... So I guess I'm not fine. ._. This is unpleasant...

Someone is looking out for me

So I am is got a bad car accident today. I was driving to Petsmart from the mall parking lot, and I got halfway through traffic and it truckstop to let me through. I had two more lanes of traffic to cross and when he stopped he gave me the go ahead sign so I went. Bad decision. The truck was too big for me to see around so I trusted him what I didn't see it was another big truck coming right at me until it was too late... Thankfully he stopped in time and I stopped in time but it was scary someone is looking out for me. I thanked my gods, I thanked the Christian God because ironically when I turned on the radio to leave Petsmart, "take me to church" was playing. 

Pendant

So I got a necklace pendant for a Christmas present and I'm looking up what it will do. Essentially it is green flourite and pink turquoise fused together via pyrite. Here is what I have found:

Flourite

- Fluorite is a highly protective and stabilizing stone, useful for grounding and harmonizing spiritual energy.  When working with the upper Chakras, Fluorite increases intuitive abilities, links the human mind to universal consciousness, and develops connection to Spirit.  Fluorite further anchors intuitive insights into the physical plane, allowing mental and physical coordination. 

-Green Fluorite aids access to intuition.  Green Fluorite can ground and absorb excess energy, including environmental energies.  Use Green Fluorite to cleanse and renew the chakras. Wonderful healing piece! Vibrates to the number 2.

Pink turquoise 

-This beautiful stone (turquoise) is credited with many protective and healing properties and was considered a sacred stone by many Native Americans who used it in all healing work and for protection. In many cultures turquoise is believed to bring serenity, wisdom, strength, and protection from traumatic injuries. Turquoise was also believed to protect one from falls, especially from horses. 

-Turquoise is thought to possess significant healing properties and is often counted as a master healing stone. Its use is believed to benefit the entire body and it is considered especially useful with problems affecting the skeletal, respiratory and immune systems. In Chakra work, turquoise is said to beneficial for use on all chakras, especially the 5th chakra which is considered the center of creativity, communication and serenity.

-Turquoise is also a peace and harmonizing stone that helps to decrease nervousness, tension and stress. It is also believed to strengthen ones courage and personal power, fostering empathy, sensitivity and positive thinking. 

-happens to be my birthstone 

I didn't find anything specific for pink turquois, just on the stone in general. Shouldn't be too big a difference, there isn't much if it in the necklace.

Pyrite

-. An Earth element, it also resonates with Fire energy, symbolizing the warmth and lasting presence of the sun and the ability to generate wealth by one’s own power. It is masculine in nature, a stone of action, vitality and will, and taps into one’s abilities and potential, stimulating the flow of ideas. It brings confidence and the persistence to carry things through to completion. [Eason, 180][Megemont, 150][Melody, 498][Simmons, 314-315][Ahsian, 315]

-As a talisman, Pyrite is a unique protector, drawing energy from the Earth through the physical body and into the aura creating a defensive shield against negative energies, environmental pollutants, emotional attack and physical harm. It also supports one with a spirit of boldness and assertive action when protecting others, the planet, or in standing up for important issues of community. It stimulates the Second and Third Chakras, enhancing will power and the ability to see behind facades to what is real.[Melody, 497][Hall, 149][Simmons, 315][Ahsian, 315]

- Pyrite guards against ongoing control, criticism and manipulation by a partner, parent or employer, lending the power to resist without becoming angry or upset, changing the balance of power.

- Pyrite enhances the protective and assertive male energies in both men and women. It boosts women’s self-worth and helps overcome tendencies toward servitude and inferiority. For men, it instills a feeling of confidence in one’s masculinity and supports the enthusiastic expression of male eroticism. [Simmons, 315][Hall, 150]

- 

Pyrite is a crystal of positive energy, and is extremely helpful for melancholy and thoughts fixed on misfortune and despair. It relieves anxiety and frustration, and as a mirror to the self, reveals the causes behind these emotions and promotes a search for solutions. Pyrite also allows one to see beyond pretense, to what truly lies behind words and actions.  

- Pyrite’s energy is empowering to the spirit, encouraging one to overcome fears and take action. It increases one’s will to accomplish whatever tasks one sets out to do, and can be used to bring one out of one’s shell, becoming more dynamic and confident. 

- also known as fools gold

Slight difference....

So I'm bored and decided to blog about sexual role play There are 2 that  are different, yet similar. So i thought I'd explain. 

Captive and captor vs slave and master

In the more commonly known slave and master: usually the dominant master forces or commands the slave to do sexual favors. 

In captor and captive: the captive is restrained somehow or whatever and the captor "forces" sexual favors onto the captive. 

Think.... Ancient times Greek or roman or what have you... A raid was just completed and a captive is part of the loot. The captor can then entertain themselves....

The main difference is: with M&S the submissive is pleasuring the dominant. In C&C the dominant is pleasuring the submissive.

This is what happens when I can't write a short story and I'm bored. Don't judge me :P

pendulum answers

so other than with ML - who's name i now know- i also got some hints from the pendulum about relationship.

so i will have a girlfriend by the end of the year.

i won't meet her "soon"... but apparently i will have met her by summer solstice. we won't be dating, but i will have MET her by then.

miss lady spiritguide

okay so remember when the psychic tarrot card reader said that i had a female spirit guide trying to talk to me, that i thought she was male and yadda yadda... i thought she was talking about...SG...well now i have figured somethign out.

i just used my pendulum, and who should appear but my spirit guideS.

SG and another....


miss lady spirit guide.

now how to proceed? I don't know much about her.... other than the fact that we were related in another life. and that she is OK with me blogging about her and calling her miss lady.

i need to find a signal for her. SG and i have a signal that lets me know if someone is claiming to channel him, if they are genuinely channeling him or not. i need to ocme up with one for her.

and as i thought: she is NOT SG.

there are so many things i could ask her...

were you my mother?
grandmother?
my aunt?
my sister?
my daughter?
my cousin?

what is your name?


and how am i going to contact her?
with SG i have writing.... although i havn't done it in a LONG time... i'm probably REALLY rusty.
sorry...SG... (he's not mad)

i remember that i could feel him in my chest.... how he is feeling when we were connected. Right now i feel like he is connected to me.

i wonder if the writing thing works with tpyping too?

i'm feeling a yes.... xD

but but but!!

miss lady.

how am i going to feel her?
how am i going to contact her?

with SG i could physically feel him. he was heat and tingley energy.

is she the cold energy female i felt a while ago?
comforting, but cool to the touch.

that would kind of be poetic.

SG - male - warm energy
ML - female - cool energy

(ML = miss lady)


WOAH.

what is ML is the lady i've seen in my house.... like.....when i was dancing i could have sworn for a millisecond that i saw this beautiful woman in the kitchen where i was spinning. Barely clothed, darker skin color.... thick black hair. she made me think of a native...something. idk if native american, but something along those lines.


that would be crazy...because i actually SAW her in full...like not mist  (like with SG)
 but in FULL, 3-D, in person, form.

but idk if that is her.

that could have been my eyes playing tricks on me.

and i'm not jumping to conclusions.

but i do need to connect with her.
get to know her.
form a bond with her the same way i did with SG.

maybe i should do a card reading about her?

idk. i'm not very accurate when doing something with on myself of my own spirit guides.

i'll ask brandon. or Maude.

Clubbing?

Okay so. How is clubbing supposed to help me find someone? "Stop trying to meet someone from online".... 

That's the best place to talk? At clubs the music is too loud and it's too crowded. If I go to a club it's to dance. Not to try to find a potential partner.

What are they going to see my mad-woman dancing and think?

Idk. Easy for her to say. She's straight. She can go up to a guy and 75% chance he's straight. 50/50 if he's taken so... 34% chance of success. 

Being lesbian? I got a 50/50 shot at best that she might like girls. Then 50/50 that she's taken. 25% chance success. 

That's assuming I'm even attracted to her.

Being gay sucks sometimes.

Urban dictionary

Carshit

So the Cadillac converter is burnt out. Fixing it will coast about $356.00

And I will have to pay it myself. Fun.

Hurt

Okay. My feelings are seriously hurt. My friend Ashley showed me a trick about kik. The little D will be light until the other person gets on kik.

What does that mean? Lauren has been on kick. She has seen that I have messaged her, though she hasn't read any of them. Ouch. 

What the hell!!!? Seriously? If you weren't that interested in me, why even bother to talk to me? I thought you were just as into me as I was you. 

Damn. 

Huh.

Have a nice life.

textbooks spring semester

8 textbooks

1. IMAGES OF PAST
2. OUR ORIGINS
3. PHYSICAL ANTHROPOLOGY 13/14
4. GEOLOGY 1501: CUSTOM LAB MANUAL (REVISED)
5. CHOOSING HEALTH (CUSTOM)
6. HEALTH 1000 WORKBOOK (ECURC)
7. PROBLEM SOLV APPR TO MATH FOR ELEM SCH TCHR (W/CD)
8. EXPERIENCING THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS (LOOSE LEAF)

if bought new...

1. 180.00
2. 149.35
3. 51.00
4. 99.95
5. 98.00
6. 8.45
7. 182.00
8. 159.70

now to be less complicated... i'm only using the school store.

but...

1. 36.09 - rent
2. 58.08 - rent
3.  18.99 - rent
4.  99.95 - bought
5.  50.00 - kyla
6.  8.45 - bought
7. 50.00 - kayla
8. 34.82 - rent

books # 4 and #6 will need to be picked up at the store. 

bought price = 115.99

rent price = 159.54 (it says i saved 386.97 by renting)

so that is 275.53 on textbooks.

***parking pass info

its gonna cost me about 120.00

but i don't have a liscence plate to use yet... and i need to know the model that the car is.

stages, phases...what have you.

i keep going through these stages/phases.

stage 1: i'm lonley
stage 2: then angry/frurated that i'm lonley, and why i'm lonley
stage 3: to aaceepting that i'm lonley
stage 4: to not feeling overly lonley.
stage 5: not caring/not thinking about it

i might go through a phase maybe.... 1-3 times a day.

and each stage takes different amounts of time every time i get to it. (and sometimes go out of order.)

like... today i was angry/frustrated for like five minutes.... then later i was angry/frustrated for like an hour...

1: i'm lonley. pretty self explaitory.
2: why am i lonley? because aparently i'm too picky and the only people actually attracted to me are male. which doesn't help at all.
3. i'm lonley and thats just life.
4. its not really that bad.
5. i'm not thinking about it or i'm fine being by myself/not feeling lonley.


can i just stay at stage 5? ugh.

this is so fucking frustrating.


oh look stage 2.