Insecure thoughts of the night

We were talking, my mom and I, about the past relationships that my twin has had. Talking about how her past 2 relationships had been low standard and how after this newest guy (granted it didn't last long) raised her standards. She now knows how she deserves to be treated. 

It got me thinking about my standards. 

Which of my relationships was I the happiest in? 

Jake.

That Bastard still haunts me.

It was the relationship I felt the safest. I laughed the most. I was protected and looked after, the perfect little nieve girl. 

He treated me like I was something precious. I felt safe and loved. I felt cherished.

With Staci I didn't feel pressured physically. I felt comfortable, to a stagnant point.

Corie was exciting but was too intense. 

With Jake it was enough excitement with enough relaxation so that I didn't feel too much of one or the other.

That Bastard will shadow my every relationship. 

I don't really remember the negatives as much, which is why my time with him became an almost Unachievable fantasy. 

And how can anyone compete with a fantasy?

I really am doomed to be alone. 

I'm a social person, and this is something  that deeply saddens me. 

But it's something I need to accept.

links for restart

i'm going to try to restart my computer to see if it will actually make my upgrade happen.


i'm so pissed.

all i wanted was to watch my movie before work but NOOOOOO.... windows removed media player. so i got SEVERAL from online. one was only free for 30 days, so i had to remove it. the other played a movie last night but won't play my movie today.

so i'm having to upgrade to windows 10 - boo - so that i can download windows media CENTER.... but it won't friggin upgrade!

i'm no longer going to have time for my movie, and i am HIGHLY AGITATED.

plus i'm hungry but there is no food to eat..... i don't get a break at work today so i'm going to have to be eating small snacks out of my apron.

please let the drag shows make today worth it.


in one window:
http://betanews.com/2015/09/09/how-to-install-windows-media-center-on-windows-10/

https://kodi.tv/download/

http://www.nirmaltv.com/2013/09/20/install-windows-media-center-windows-8-1-video/

in window 2:

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/category/fiction-writing/

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-long-is-a-novel/

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aTQkfIhHcRDGYHZ325gzYzMN7kkUN6osg_xuMQeyF9I/edit

https://orgsync.com/57778/chapter

https://concerts.livenation.com/member/order_history?v=WmJjtgjiIoCxfbfxSylbLxf5sbvJXfAMg41W-7-GmhZmXGGQebPK_6Rn5_wfLUnY8-ahF3OCx2WbKIsMpxJ9Ch6zeDZu23Mb738HIN2gByFyNbnnQRO7kK26rcVcBo5sY3zWzKWBrA&queue_token=pdf67e165c96159d1c36e077feadd1c6a7905354701

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santiano_(band)

winow 3:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ecx4FNRZVg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14FSHVrAoFk

http://gogoanime.io/junjou-romantica-3-episode-1

http://www.datereliz.com/anime/kamisama-kiss-season-3-its-release-date.html

http://www.mangaeden.com/en/en-manga/ookami-shoujo-to-kuro-ouji/57/1/

http://www.mangaeden.com/en/en-manga/namaikizakari/34/1/

http://www.mangaeden.com/en/en-manga/kamisama-hajimemashita/

Vigil for Orlando

So the other day I went to a vigil for the fallen no wounded victims of the Orlando shooting. I almost didn't because I was scared.

The domestic terrorist attack did its job nd I was almost too scared to go. But with my best friend Taylor holding my hand the entire time, I went. It was beautiful. She cried. I cried. We held eachother. 

I almost gave into fear because I live in the "Bible Belt" where loving another girl means I am the object of hatred. Even holding Taylor's hand we got nasty looks from some people as we walked back to her car. I was scared that someone's her and hatred would come out violently as we honored the fallen from the gay club; it didn't. And there were 6 Greenville police officers that volunteered their time to keep us all safe. 

Ever since the start of the vigil I knew the song that perfectly put into words how I felt for the victims, so I'm just going to leave it here.

or if you prefer the movie version:

And I am left in my tears to wonder how someone could hate so strongly. Hey is not something I understand because I do not hate anyone. I strongly dislike but have no hatred. Why is it so hard for the world to just live eachother? 

Unnerved

I'm a little unnerved right now. 

I've been getting constant heart palpitations since I got up at 8 this morning. They are all mild but it's been so many I lost count and at times they make it hard to breathe. 

I've been dancing since being active sometimes makes them go away (forcing my heart to beat harder and faster to force normal beats and correct the off beats/the palpitations) but even that's not working. 

long day

it was a long day..... i've been highly emotional. Sorrow at racheal's leaving. Guilt for feeling irritated at her. Hurt from her behavior. I already miss her. More Guilt for not being able to see her off.


and then i was the ONLY customer lead at the store today. and we were illogically busy. I couldn't keep up with the amount of carts leaving the store so i spent most of my time getting carts from the parking lot in 90+ degree weather.


i came home exhausted and wanting a shot of vodka. (just one to help me relax)

instead i did the next best thing: adrenaline.

I got a group of friends together and went to see the conjuring 2.

it was terrifying and satisfying.

i left feeling relaxed and happy.


but Cara was still scared when we got home, so after hunting for a new media softward program to watch DVDs on my laptop, we watched a cute romantic comedy movie called "its a boy girl thing" and now i am even more relaxed, and feeling semi hopeful (lets not focus on the doomed to singledom part)

the day ended on a positive note.


but its been a long day.

inconsiderate

i love my twin. I really do. but she, like everyone has their faults.

her pride and her inconsideration for others.


the very little bit of time i have actuallyhad with her, most of it was spent with feelings of irritation.

• there was the beach incident - invited someone to our family beach day without considering anyone else's' feelings
• she constantly leaves her stuff and trash around the house - my mom has complained about being her maid several times
• she unplugged my phone charger, to plug up the fan and didn't plug it into the other outlet. She had her laptop charging, even though it didnt' need it.she even told me i could have unplugged it to plug my phone charger back in..... IT WAS DARK AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS UNPLUGGED. i found that out when i went to look at my phone and play some games only to discover it was not fully charged but at 9%.
• i now have to leave for work and it is under 50% charged. It won't last the day. thanks.
• the CONSIDERATE thing would have been to replug something IF IT WASN'T YOURS if you unplug it.
• SHE should have unplugged her laptop and replugged my charger.

now she is leaving and i'm still irritated and i'm going to miss her.
and i have to go to work.

Beach day

Ride up was semi decent, we listened to Disney which got all but Cara involved.

Not we are to the beach - by the one I would have gone to- no bot even ten minutes in I'm bored. All three of them just want to tan. 

I need to fine somone to play in the water. I'm tired of going to the beach and being bored. 

The water is too calm and there is hardly any people in it at all...... So I can't actually play in it. 

All of my games are locked for a at least a day before I can mke it to the next level. 

I have a book but am in no mood to read.

This honestly sucks.

Frustrated at Racheal

Okay so I had a beach trip planned for Racheal.

It was going to just be us sisters and maybe Caras friend, so that car wouldn't feel left out.

Well Caras friend canceled but she was still okay to go.

Racheal changes everything by saying she invited her friend Kayla and that they were going to ride separate. 

This kisses me off - I was looking forward to the car ride blasting out music and binding. 

Then after an argument  meant with mom Racheal compromises and now we are all riding in Kaylas car.

Now I'm even more pissed. For several reasons:

- I don't really like Kayla. We were barely friends in Highschool, we were friends out of necessity during freshman year. Now we are back to the occasional hug when we pass by eachother on campus. Distant - that's how I like it. Especially when she is so intelligent but refuses to see or believe SCIENTIFIC fact that humans are primates , because she of her Christian faith.

- I have no control in the situation. In my car I would be driving, I would have a say in the music choice. I don't like anything Kayla listens to but in my car I would be in control.  Kayla is a slow driver and I swear after 2 hours in a car with her I'll be tempted to drown her in the ocean.

I'm pissed and disappointed.

When I asked her why she even invited Kayla, she said that since Cara was brining a friend she wanted to bring one as well. Only cata was brining a friend because she didn't want I barely left out like shebusually does when the three of us get together.

Only even if Caras friend could come, those two would be together and Racheal and Kayla would be together. Where does that leave me? Am I just the fucking chauffeur?

All I can think when I see Kayla is: idiot. A fucking idiot. 

Who believes in evolution but not that humans are primates? What are we then? Human isn't a scientific name.... Wand if we don't have a common ancestor... What was homo erectus? What was homo Neanderthalis? What are Homo sapiens? if we aren't primates what the fuck are we? 

And she isn't ignorant. Ignorance is when you don't know. When you do know but refuse to believe it, that is stupidity. She a ducking idiot. And I'm going to be stuck with her all day tomorrow, miserable and probably by myself. Or alone with Cara as we loath in "saltiness" while Racheal and Kayla hang out together and gush all day. 

it's inconsiderate.

And she had the nerve to tell me she tried to give me a way out by uninitiated Kayla. What the fuck? After the seaman and explosion that she saw at our house over this? Damage is done. To uninvited her would be rude and tacky. 

No Racheal changed the plans and we will all just have to hope for the best. 

Looks like I'll be alone in the ocean. gods give me strength for tomorrow.

Alive and kicking

I'm alive and kicking

Racheal is home for a few days

I really want to swim right now and daydream 

I want to write but have no energy. The very thought of writing makes me tired