apathy to do

i'm feeling apathetic about everything... so i'm making myself a list of things to do:

1. Aplia quizes
2. Theory paper
3. Boaz Article
4. short story - read
5. writing excercises for fiction

flashbacks

That wreck messed me up... i keep flashing back. for a moment there i thought i was going to die.... and that moment just keeps replaying in my mind and dragging on and on.

its happened at least 6 times today.

I keep seeing his huge car just hurtling towards me...

i keep reliving the terror...

i'm going to die..

i know that i didn't.

but the memory keeps coming back and back and back again.

I just want to scream and cry and rock back and forth from fear.

I need to talk to someone.

I'm reaching out to my fiction professor.... asking if she can help me channel this into a short story to help me heal.

lucky

I got in a pretty scary car accident today. I'm OK, just shaken and sore. I was driving back to Greenville with Lauren (my girlfriend) when a car from the other lane suddenly came into mine (I think his tire blew but i'm not sure). It was almost a head on collision, i swerved to the side, but we still got side swiped and pushed into a ditch. My car is totaled and locked away in some garage place until monday, i don't know how i'm going to handle all of the different insurance issues (the guy who hit me isn't insured), deal with getting a rental car, figure out getting a new car, all the while dealing with school and work. Plus I have the Flu.

I can't catch a break. 

however we were lucky... i could have realized what was happening too late and we could have been hit head on..  killing Lauren's dog, and severely injuring us both. I was lucky Lauren was there because I was too stunned when we got hit to function... she pretty much pulled me from the car. Once outside i proceeded to have a panic attack until the paramedics arrived. 

Lauren stayed with me the whole day. Cuddled me and comforted me. tried to help me sleep and never left my side. I'm definitely lucky.

Flu

I have the flu. Ugh. I can deal with the coughing okay... but please just take the sore throat. 

sick sick

so for the first time in like 6 months i am sick. i don't mean like cough cough oh-i-feel-bad for a day kind of sick.

i mean OH GOD ITS SO HOT I CAN'T BREATHE 102.2 fever kind of sick with a oounding headache and aching muscles and the vomiting.

this sucks.

someone please just shoot me and put me out of my misery...because believe me...

this is misery.

Rise Against CD

1. Make it stop
2. Satellite
3. Give it All
4. Ready to Fall
5. Hero of War
6. The Good left undone
7. Help is on the way
8. I don't want to be here anymore. 
9. Re-Education
10. Audience of one
11. Injection
12. Architect
13. A gentleman's coupe
14. Endgame
15. The streangth to go on
16. This letting go
17. Tragedy + Time
18. Drones
19. Under the Knife
20. Behind closed doors
21. Paper Wings

Lewis Henry Morgan talk... in progress

• Many of you know me as one of the fathers of american anthropology. I am most known for my interest in kinship and for being a social evolution theorist. Usually when someone mentions me, the Iriquoi are not far behind. It was my work with them that really gave me my fame. 
•  I hail from a famous family, the Morgan brothers, whom all Morgans in New York are descended from. They helped establish colonies and were continentals in the revolution, after which they traveled up north. Now this is an important time because at this time the Iroquois, who fought with the british, are forced to give up a lot of their traditional land.  
• Now, flash forward I was born In Aurora, New York.  I was born into a very large family. My father, Jedediah Morgan, had five children in his first marriage;after his first wife died he married again and had eight more kids - me being on of them. Fun fact I was born as Lewis Morgan, adding the H as a middle initial when I became an adult - deciding that H would best stand for Henry.  But going back to my dad,  he invented a plow and formed a business to make the parts for it. he also made a blast furnace for the factory. He moved to Aurora, leaving the farm to one of my brothers. After joining the Masons, he helped to form the first Masonic lodge in Aurora. He was even elected a state senator. Eventually when he died he had 500 acres with herds and flocks which he left to us, so that we would be well off and our educations funded. 
• He gave my siblings land for their occupations, but for me he left a fund for my education, which i readily used. I attended Cayuga Academy where i studied classical subjects like latin, greek, rhetoric and maths. I then attended Union College in Schenectady, which i graduated from in 2 years, at the age of 22. While there i continued classic studies but i added on studies of science and mechanics. 
• After i graduated I became a lawyer with a friend of mine, who would later become a judge, but sadly it didn't go well. due to the depression going on, we couldn't seem to find clients. After about a year of that flopped endeavour, I got together with some friend from school formed a secret scholarly fraternity which after several name changed we settled on calling it the  New Confederacy of the Iroquois.
• We tried our best to replicate the Iroquois social organization 
• We tried to learn the languages, 
• assumed Iroquois names  
•  New members underwent a secret rite called inindianation in which they were transformed spiritually into Iroquois.
• We met in the summer around campfires and paraded yearly through the town in costume
• in 1844 something amazing happened. I decided to start looking into old treaties that my school had made, coincidentally so were the Seneca people. Now the Seneca are Iroquoian speaking natives who were looking into old treaties to defend their claim to their land. See, after the war they had been forced to give up their land and move to canada. Through conversation with a high ranking tribesman's son about the New Confederacy, I was invited to come speak to the delegation (which was run by what was left of the Iroquois Confederacy). I took page upon page of notes and used them to remodel the New Confederacy. Over time we grew strong friendships. 
• Through a very unethical sale of Iroquoian land in a lawsuit brought forward by the Ogden Land Company, there was a movement brought on by the Seneca people in which my organization supported and aided. We:
• conducting a major publicity campaign. 
• held mass meetings, 
• circulated a general petition, 
• spoke to congressmen in Washington.
• Eventually I was sent to Congress with a counter offer:The Seneca were allowed to buy back some land at $20 per acre, at which time the Tonawanda Reservation was created. The previous treaty was thrown out. Returning home, I  was adopted then  into the Hawk Clan, Turtle Tribe, as the son of a man named Jimmy Johnson.
• After being admitted into the actual tribe, I lost interest in the new Confederacy.. Now i was part of the real thing. That is when I began my ethnographic study of them. I found myself fascinated by their family unites and marital customs, as well as their kinship terminology. (draw a fast kinship chart) I published my book "   League of the Iroquois" in 1851.That is also the year I married my cross cousin, Mary Elizabeth Steele - who remained with me for the rest of my life. 
• Unfortunately when we had our son Lemuel was born mentally handicaped, which was blammed on out first cousin marriage. Although I agreed and even spoke against cousin marriage, my own remained a firm and affectionate one. Together we attended church, I mainly did this because Mary liked to go. Personally I refused to make "the public profession of Christ that was necessary for full membership. Later we had 2 beutiful daughters, Mary Elizabeth and Helen King.
• For a long time I toned down my scholarly work, however I did decide, with the help of a scholarly club i was a member of, to found a university. However it did not really support women, so we founded ANOTHER university - one that would be for women. However the owner of the land in which we had been allowed to build on, sold it to the first university. This kind of ticked me off because I firmly believe in the equality of both sexes, after all it is a mark of a proper civilization!
• Over time with the rising in iron working, I ended up joining a railroad company. I became an attorney and director.long story short I fought hard for them, however after i realized i was being cheated in payment I pretty much left the company to become a field anthropologist.
• I once again renewed my interest in kinship terminology and charts, deciding to do a cross cultural study of them between tribes. Altogether i collected about 51 different kinship systems. It was amazing! However while I was at my peak, I was suddenly torn asunder when i got word from my wife that my two precious daughters died from scarlet fever. 
• Now also going on at the time was the American Cicil war, which i really didn't care about and didn't participate in. I could easily have joined the anti-slavery movement, but really felt no motivation to do so. I'm anti slavery but also against abolition because technically slavery was supported by law - as a lawyer i had to respect that. I did help indirectly though through business in iron making, making sure it was readily available. Through this i became independently wealthy and could retire from law. 
• Now i was free to run for office - the goal? Commissioner for indian affairs. I figured since I could assimilate to native life, Natives could assimilate to American culture, leading to their eventual acceptance as citizens. When I did not get the job I backed off and watched as Grant messed everything up.. Assimilation became the way of dealing with natives, however there were many components that made it hard. All natives had to be moved to reservations and then came the issue of educating them. This was put on halt later, in 1871. After suffering years of poverty and attempt to suppress their cultures, American Indians were admitted to citizenship in 1924. Although technically i did help come up with the idea of assimilation, because i never got a job dealing with it, I escaped any accountability. 
• Instead I took the family to Europe for a year where I met Charles Darwin and Sir John Lubbock - which is how i got into the theory of Social Evolution. However what i found interesting about this, was that i believed that all society started out in a matriarchy, which i has observed with several native tribes. As savages, they were the earliest stages of culture... However as socety evolved it changed and became more patriarchal. 
• I died at home in 1881

hard to put into words

My mental state is....odd ... right now. Its hard to put into words. Its probably because i missed several doses of my meds last week , and its catching up to me but still..

I think i would be in a manic phase/episode. I don't feel sad or depressed....

see thats the thing with my bipolar.  going up or down, neither is good in my case. When i'm down its miserable... when i'm up? nothing is real. and when nothing is real, i stop caring.

Most mood swings have triggers... they can be something as small as not getting a slice of pizza (which has triggered a depressive episode)... today i saw kris. and it irritated me. from then on, the totally healthy vibe i had going on when i woke up today was gone.

since then i started fading into what my mom would call the "ice queen"... My emotions started to recied and my thoughts became more cold and calculating. Lauren, my new gf, called me during one of these moments and I think i hurt her feelings.

thats why when i go up, and things stop seeming real, its bad... when i go down, i'm in danger of hurting myself. When i go up? I usually hurt other people (i hurt their feelings).

I feel bad and she isn't responding to my text, which furthure confirms that i think i hurt her feelings. I do feel bad, or rather i know i will feel bad when this episode ends and i go back t normal.

But then at work, i started out as the ice queen but turned into a super-chipper-oh-my-god-is-she-on-coke-? kind of person.

and then the ride home.

and thats where it gets even more complicated to explain....
Its like my brain is fighting itself. All these different facets of myself are fighting eachother. the happy-go-lucky, the ice queen, the aggressive side... these all come out when i go up. they were all fighting. It still feels like they are fighting and internally all i can do is scream.

lately i've been thinking about suicide a lot. NOT FEELING SUICIDAL, but thinking about the topic a lot.

its like my faerie is being  deconstructed in my brain, and i'm being deconstructed, and all the little peices are going to war.

which of coarse makes no sense, but thats the best way to describe it.

and to top it off, i don't know who to talk to about it.

Amy? her and brooks saw the faerie come out, so they would best understand that part. but i don't want to bother amy.. and brooks, idk i feel like he would think i'm being dramatic and attention seeking.

i can't talk  to mom because, as much as she wants to, she wouldn't understand. Its just too much to explain... which is why i can't really talk to lauren.

I can't talk to anne, because like brooks, i feel like she would think i'm puting on a show.

I almost feel like i'm headed for another mental breakdown.. but its pale... the one i had on new years was in vivid color, this is pale in comparison.

i'm not making any sense.

its hard to put into words.


*******

i'm also PMSing out the ass.

1/19

So I didn't jinx it. We're a thing.

Lewis Henry Morgan research

Books he wrote:

• https://books.google.com/books?id=3iguAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjwnsHRkcrRAhXI5YMKHdZXD5YQ6AEIGjAA#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false
•  https://books.google.com/books?id=CEdUAAAAcAAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan+author&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjuofjBksrRAhUZ24MKHUp_D1kQ6AEIJzAC#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan%20author&f=false

Books about him:

• https://books.google.com/books?id=zbc0c_YLcjUC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjwnsHRkcrRAhXI5YMKHdZXD5YQ6AEIIDAB#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false
• https://books.google.com/books?id=SRb_AQAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjwnsHRkcrRAhXI5YMKHdZXD5YQ6AEIJjAC#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false
• https://books.google.com/books?id=7rEaAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj85fOFksrRAhUa24MKHXwZCw8Q6AEIOzAF#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false

short story

So... I wrote a short story for my advanced fiction class..... and its very depressing. Its about young man who deals with the death of his twin. its a braided/juggling format that goes back and forth from memory and the present.

it ends hopeful, with the main character meeting his nephew who looks just like the dead brother. and for the first time in 6 months he actually speaks... finding a new reason to live and a piece of his brother.

so it ends hopeful, but is still a really sad story all together.

and i was hoping it would make people cry...

it did. It made my friend maggie ball - as she said "openly weep".

it made my mom tear up.

which makes me feel awesome about my writing...

we'll see how it plays out in the writing workshop.

possibilities

i met someone. and i think that there is a real possibility with this girl. I don't want to say too much and end up jinxing it like last time.... but .. yeah. I met someone.

advisor

I talked with Dr. Bunger. He agreed with me: "stick to your guns" - i'm keeping the damn class.

Granted this means i will probably be on Dr. Mathews' bad side... which means i will have to work that much harder and blow her away. In keeping this class, and fighting her, I will need to prove myself.

I have no room for error.

the pressure is on...


Thoth, god of writing and wisdom i ask for your help and support. I'm going to need you more than ever.

Spring semester AGAIN WITH THE CHAOS

Dr. Mathews is trying to pressure me to drop the class and take it next year. But i've already bought the book. I;ve already paid for the class. and there are only 2 spots left in ethnography.... i've missed the first day of ethnography and i hear that the teachter is a hard ass... she may count it as an absence. I need to talk to this other professor and just see if i can manage the stitch to her class.... but i really don't want to drop theory and take it next year. Its so u porfoessional of Dr. Mathews and i'm honestly so pissed. 
-------------------------------------
PIN: 934645

it seems we have hit a snag.

Public speaking is friggin full. 

if i can't have public speaking.... :(

i could take 
Major British Writers: 31632 T/TH 2-3:15

or

THE SUPERNATURAL COUNTS AS A FINE ARTS AND HUMANITIES....not offered in the spring though

ORRR

I coudl be smart and look at whaty i have on the other blog post....


now i need one more humanities and 1 fine art...

for fine art i could take art appreciation...
15:30 - 16:45 = 3:30-4:15... shit. T/TH

or hold on off on all of those until i'm a senior and can actually get the classes i want....

and just get rid of my last social science?

Soci: courtship and marriage T/TH 2-3:15

and so.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Total i need for Creative Writing: 9 credits

• Core
• Eng 2815 intro to creative writing  -3 (MW 2-3:15) --- TAKING IN SPRING
• Eng 3830, 3840, 3850, 3860  taking now. 
• 2 Cognates
• The Short Story - taken last year
• 3851 Fiction from writer's POV    -3
• 1 elective
• 4850 Advanced Fiction Writing    -3 TAKING IN THE SPRING

source: http://catalog.ecu.edu/preview_program.php?catoid=10&poid=2463&hl=%22creative+writing+minor%22&returnto=search

For My Anth Major: 6 credits

• Feild methods -  senior spring - 3 writing intensive
• Anth theory - junior spring - 3 writing intensive (T/TH 8-9:15) TAKING IN THE SPRING

(writing intensive will be complete)

For my General ed: 15 credits

• Comm 2410 - public speaking 11-11:50T/TH 3:30 - 4:45, (T) 6:00 pm-09:00 pm)- Fine Art 3
• Spanish 4 - 3 TAKING IN THE SPRING
• Humanities with fine arts (pic 2) - 6
•  PHIL 1275 - morals
•  PHIL 2272 - sex
•  PHIL 2272 - phil of religion
• 1 more social science since Psych of Religion didn't count (choose 1) - 3
• COMM 3152 - interpersonal theory/maintain relationships (MWF 1-1:50, 2-2:50)
• HIST 1031 world history since -1500 -> offered in the spring (T/TH 9:30-10:45)
• POLS 1050 pol and global understanding -> (MWF 8-8:50, 9-9:50) 
• SOCI 1025 Courtship and Marriage (T/TH 2-3:15)TAKING IN THE SPRING
• SOCI 1010 Race, Gender, Class ( T/TH 9:30-10:45,11-12:15, 5-6:15 )
• 3 elective classes 
• Classic Mythology
• Grimm Glass
• Paranormal Class
• Hospitality classes: 2100, 2170, and maybe 2200

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Math: 

i need 120 credits to graduate.... i have 81(including the classes i'm in now)...

thats 39 left. 15+6+6 = 30 credit hours of classes i specifically need. thats 9 free hours = 3 elective classes. 

after the spring.....

120 - 81 = 39 - 15 (spring) = 24 for senior year

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Classes For Spring 2017 (only take 5)

available to register: Tuesday, November 1st 2pm

MWF
Spanish 4 1-1:50 

Intro to Creative Writing 2-3:15 

T/TH

Anth Theory 8-9:15

Advanced Fiction Workshop 12:30 - 1:45

Courtship and Marriage 1-3:14

Thoth.... Sarasvati.... please let me get the classes i need. 




TEXTBOOKS

all BOUGHT via student store = 221.70 .... now i'll probably get 25% back if i sell them back to the university.... so ultimately it will be: 221.7 - 55.42 = 166.28

B&N RENTAL = 209.77

looks like i'm buying all the books from the school and seling them back at the end of the year...

unless.....

RENT from B&N:
Art of fiction
Making Shapely Fiction
History of Anthropological theory Ed 4
= 34.25 --> 36.65 with tax and shipping

and buy from ECU:
Choices in relationships 
= 163.30 (if i get 25% back then 122.48)

34.25 + 122.48 = 156.73 --> 174.73 with tax

--------------------------------------------------------------

Work availability 

MWF: 7-12 and 4-10

T/TH: 5-11

sat: open-close

sun: open - 11

------------------------------------------------------------------
for NEXT FALL -- research at the end of spring semester

Needed for Minor:
Eng 3851 Fiction from the Writer's Perspective
may need to consider: Eng 3410 into ro poetry

Needed for Major:
Anth 3050 Ethnographic Field Methods - Spring

For General Ed:
Fine Arts: Art 1910 Art Appreciation

Humanities: chose one

•  PHIL 1275 - morals
•  PHIL 2272 - sex
•  PHIL 2272 - phil of religion

3 Elective Classes

• CLAS 1500 - Classic Mythology --> fall
• FORL 268- Grimms' Fairy Tales ??
• ENG 2570 Paranormal Class --> Fall
• Hospitality classes: 2100 (ledging F&S), 2170 (management, F&S), and maybe 2200 (special events F&S)

LARP

I get to help make the faerie race packets for Larp!!!! i'm so excite!!!

Amy and i are going to work together.... we are keeping the aging info, but adding in the Wilde Court for those that are neither seelie or unseelie....

I'm so excited.

ice

So when i found out the weather would be bad i stayed over at my friends' house. This is day 4 and last night was night 3. I was able to go to work yesterday but called out of  my early morning shift due to the amount of new ice.... black ice.... can't stand the stuff.

I'm going a little crazy. i love my friends, i do... and i even hope to move in with them at some point. but this space is not my space (not yet anyway) and i miss my own space. I miss my cat. I' worried about my mom who is sick... or was sick 4 days ago.

I'm also starving. There really isn't a sense of order here. No set times to eat and no garuntee anyone will share when they cook. I'm ready to go home and actually eat a full meal...i'm so friggin hungry.

i'm going to miss them so much when i leave though :(

Tomorrow classes begin.  whcih means today i actually have to get ready...
I need to:

• Go home and prepare my bookbag
• do any pre-class homework - print and read the anth theory article 
• Print my class schedule
• then tomorrow..
• print and sign the spanish sheet
• read anth theory article and write it's paper/review

Thankfully i won't have work after classes tomorrow, so i can just go ahead and get the homework done. 

love

I seriously love all of my close friends so much.

the group that i have been gravitating towards over 2016 is practicaly family to me now. I miss them when i don't see them every few days. I seriously over them more than words can say.... I hope that thigns stay the same over the next two years.... that way, when i graduate and move out of the house, i can hopefully move in with them.

I have so much love for them, it almost hurts. <3

textbook notes 2017 spring

I added my textbook info to the Spring semester notes blog post. this is just a reminder to myself.

Thoughts

I wrote about what happened, as if it were a scene in a book. It came out beautiful... and afterward I wrote a reflection. The more I reflect the more I begin to realize about myself. Looking at yourself objectively can really put things into perspective. It's mind boggling what you can learn about yourself when you look back.

HNY pt2

It's a good thing I wrote down what happened... as more time passes last night gets blurrier and blurrier. More surreal, almost like a bad dream. 

All those involved don't seem to hold it against me, so I guess I can try to relax and just let the memory fade away.

HNY

I greeted the new year with my first mental breakdown. Happy new year.