hard to put into words

My mental state is....odd ... right now. Its hard to put into words. Its probably because i missed several doses of my meds last week , and its catching up to me but still..

I think i would be in a manic phase/episode. I don't feel sad or depressed....

see thats the thing with my bipolar.  going up or down, neither is good in my case. When i'm down its miserable... when i'm up? nothing is real. and when nothing is real, i stop caring.

Most mood swings have triggers... they can be something as small as not getting a slice of pizza (which has triggered a depressive episode)... today i saw kris. and it irritated me. from then on, the totally healthy vibe i had going on when i woke up today was gone.

since then i started fading into what my mom would call the "ice queen"... My emotions started to recied and my thoughts became more cold and calculating. Lauren, my new gf, called me during one of these moments and I think i hurt her feelings.

thats why when i go up, and things stop seeming real, its bad... when i go down, i'm in danger of hurting myself. When i go up? I usually hurt other people (i hurt their feelings).

I feel bad and she isn't responding to my text, which furthure confirms that i think i hurt her feelings. I do feel bad, or rather i know i will feel bad when this episode ends and i go back t normal.

But then at work, i started out as the ice queen but turned into a super-chipper-oh-my-god-is-she-on-coke-? kind of person.

and then the ride home.

and thats where it gets even more complicated to explain....
Its like my brain is fighting itself. All these different facets of myself are fighting eachother. the happy-go-lucky, the ice queen, the aggressive side... these all come out when i go up. they were all fighting. It still feels like they are fighting and internally all i can do is scream.

lately i've been thinking about suicide a lot. NOT FEELING SUICIDAL, but thinking about the topic a lot.

its like my faerie is being  deconstructed in my brain, and i'm being deconstructed, and all the little peices are going to war.

which of coarse makes no sense, but thats the best way to describe it.

and to top it off, i don't know who to talk to about it.

Amy? her and brooks saw the faerie come out, so they would best understand that part. but i don't want to bother amy.. and brooks, idk i feel like he would think i'm being dramatic and attention seeking.

i can't talk  to mom because, as much as she wants to, she wouldn't understand. Its just too much to explain... which is why i can't really talk to lauren.

I can't talk to anne, because like brooks, i feel like she would think i'm puting on a show.

I almost feel like i'm headed for another mental breakdown.. but its pale... the one i had on new years was in vivid color, this is pale in comparison.

i'm not making any sense.

its hard to put into words.


*******

i'm also PMSing out the ass.