okay

okay. so.

i made a spread sheet.

I have many options... 5 are preferred...


1 3 bedroom option.
1 2 besroom option (but for 3 people) -- > my fav.
and 3 1 bedroom options --> one of which i like more than the rest.



i just need to find 2 roomates....

options:

Cole and Morgan
Lexi and Whats his name -> maybe?
Dakota and B? --> can always ask
eeehhhhhhhhhhh.............. last option but have to wait and see.

Gold

okay so....

I found the place I want to move to after my lease runs out.

the only problem? I need 2 other people.
Rent is 750, so rent would be 250 a person.

its a sweet little condo, 2 stories. the bottom has a beautiful kitchen, with all new appliances and what looks like (but probably isn't) marble counter tops Plus its pretty spacious.

The living room is by the door and it is HUGE, so it has plenty of room for at LEAST one couch, TV, and book shelves.  plus probably room for a kitchen table.

then there is the upstairs...

two bedrooms.
the master bedroom is in the back, he said its about 15ft x 15ft
the other he says is only a little bit smaller because of the stair way.

It also has a back patio (good to get a grill)
a small garden (i can grow herbs!)

Also has a pool - the pool is shared with the other condos, but there aren't very many so its awesome!

it does come with a washer and dryer, and is pet friendly.


I want it.

but who?

I could ask Morgan and Cole, but no guarantees that they would go for it.
And as nice as they are I don’t really know them.
I don't want to ask them and jump the gun...

...and it’s too soon for the alternative... although i wonder if i should ask so i know to rule them out or not...

I don’t know what to do and  i'm scared that its going to go off the market soon.

but then again its been up for 44 days.



gods....give me a sign please...

Demeter... apparently you're one to ask for guidance for this? pleeeeeeaaaaaasssseee....

https://www.trulia.com/p/nc/greenville/3000-golden-rd-5-greenville-nc-27858--2025107442?#photo-6


**** Worst Case Scenario I get a one bedroom acorss town and only see him like 2 or 3 times a week

mom

momma's life just got turned upside down.

her office is closing so they are moving her to the greenville office...

to do 3 times more work with the same pay.
scheduling bed bugs for 3 offices.

she has until friday to get all her stuff... so jimmie and i are going to help her tomorrow or friday.


so that measn the house in farmville is no longger an option.

so i still do't know what i'm going to do when my lease runs up.

time to do more research.

the impurity of my life style - a poem

I am not filled with impure desires.

I am not filled with sexual desire for women.
I am not filled with sexual desire for men.
I am not filled with sexual desire for anyone.
Period.

I am not sexually attracted to women.
I am not sexually attracted to men.
I am not sexually attracted to anyone.
Period.

I can fall in love with women.
I can fall in love with men.
I can fall in love with anyone.
Period.

I want to feel close to the one I love.
Sex may be a way to do that.

But the desire to be close to the one you love is a pure thought.

My desires and actions are not impure.

Disgusted

I’ve always been a little unhappy with my body.

I use to think I had an ugly face.
Then I saw how pretty I am.

I’ve always thought that I am too skinny...

Well now it seems it’s caught up to me.

It’s been a while since I actually looked at myself in the mirror, so I decided to preen before getting in the shower tonight. Especially because several people now have noticed I’ve gained weight on my rear ended.

From the front I look pretty.
There is some fat on my front however, a little pudge. When I tightened all my stomach muscles there was still bits that jiggled. It unnerved me.
Then I turned...

For the first time in years, I wasn’t just a little unhappy.
I was disgusted.

There are people who wear weight and it looks good on them. I know several people I would describe  as stunningly beautiful.
Fat does not equal ugly.

I am not one of those people.

But I am I unuse to seeing it on myself. My normal chicken legs looked like tree trunks, only instead of firm they were wrinkled and jiggly.

My butt the same.

This cannot stand.

If I’m off I need to at least go for an hour walk. Stretching before and after.

If I’m off and Jimmie is at work, I need to go with Cory and/or Maggie to the gym for at least an hour. Walk the treadmill. Then the elliptical. Then the cycle. Then do abs.

Maybe do some weights. My arms have flab too.

This is what happens when you don’t pay attention.

I feel ugly.

Leave of absence

after failing an important test due to not being able to find time to study over the span of 2 weeks... I have decided to take an educational leave of absence from Foodlion.

It seems that unlike last semester... I can’t balance the three things.

After March 10th I will have the days to school and nights to bistro.

Maybe now I can find time to go see pa see, who apparently is in the hospital. No one told me so I had no idea. A customer at the store is a friend of his and told me. I plan to try and visit Wednesday.

But now I will actually have time to adequately study and do my ethnography projects.

trips

So I took a trip up to new york.....
was so stressful.
5 hours in and 6 hours to go, my tire blew. And I mean it exploded.
I was stranded on I-95N for about an hour.
AAA couldn't pin point my location.
I was freaking out.

thankfully a safety petrol man stopped and helped me; changing the blown tire out for the spare.

then i got lost so many times in the mountains in the dark....with my terrible night visions...

and the trck back was less eventful but just as stresful.

but at least i got to see racheal.

valentines day

today is going to fucking suck.

class until 12:00
foodlion 12:30-4:15.
grab some make up and go straight to bistro
4:30 - ?? bistro.

no time to eat anything.
the entire day.


and bistro?

40 tables. 90 guests. 4 servers.

today.
is.
going.
to
fucking.
suck.

to pack and do for rach's trip

• get vodka from mom for her punch
• pack....
• fancy dress
• high heels
• genes and boots + hoody + long sleeve shirt for day time
• comfy cloathes to drive back
• put coat in car
• get tom collins mix  x 2
• get gin
• ask jimmie to care for cats... (just check on them and make sure they have food and water)
• if yes give jimmie key
• get cash out for tolls
• fill up in gas
• 
  

to do

• pay utilities
• get tires on car
• get car inspected
• pay car taxes -- > washington DMV is fastest 
• online cruise check in
• read poetry text book
• write 4 page paper
• refill meds --> pick up meds

events coordinator

So... I think I really am in love with him.
This is terrifying and exciting.


I can actually kind of see.....a future with him?

This is also exciting.... but terrifying.

He's going somewhere with his life. He surrounds himself with successful and driven people. He is driven and headed for success.....

meanwhile I feel like i will never be able to make it past minimum wage, menial jobs. I don't know if i will fit in with the people he associates with.

I want to. Hell yeah I want to.

I've always been good with people...

But my tendency to feel inferior and intimidated is spiking just at the thought of meeting some of his friends.

but at the same time.. he has powerful freinds... is it wrong to hope that they may be able to help me?

I'm great with people.
I'm good at planning and reaching out.
Networking with people isn't hard...
its all conversation and communication.

Which means I could be a good secretary....receptionist....
OR as Maggie suggested... an events coordinator.

i looked into it... its up my ally.

I really want to do it.

I enjoy planning events
I know how to work with a budget
I know how to communicate
I want it.

That is the big kid job that I want.

Cruise list

• Leave 7-8am 
• Packing.....
• 2 nice outfits 
• Tennis shoes 
• Sunglasses 
• 6 outfits - jeans and dresses
• Bathing suits 
• Tooth brush
• Tooth paste 
• Blue vodka in listerine 
• Wine 
• 7 pairs of undies 
• Shampoo and conditioner 
• Flip flops 
• 6 pairs of socks 
• If have room - towel
• Tank top pajamas 
• Bathing suit cover 
• Important stuff in draw string bag
• Pen and notebook
• DVDs / Hannibal and laptop 
• Pads and tampons - last 4 days on period
• Phone and laptop charger 

Things on the boat

• Comedy show 
• Spa
• Princess - sting rays 
• Night clubs - boots
• Lounges 
• Fancy dinners 

Safe words:

Are you uncomfortable/ do you need help = do you want a beer?

I am uncomfortable/need help = can you get me a beer? 

taxes

my taxes have been filed. i can breathe.

i'll get about 200 back, which i will use to pay my car taxes and get it inspected. if it arrives in time then i'll use it to buy tires before i go to new york to see racheal.


this was stressful. i had to start over like 4 times.

but i got it.

and i will be filing it myself from now on.

Little tears

it’s really pathetic how easy it is to hurt. It can litterally happen over nothing.

An easy light hearted conversation leads to one comment and boom. All of my insecurities rush forward.

it wasn’t meant to be hurtful. But still, there were tears in my eyes as I drove home.

Pathetic.

It’s only natural that he wake in the night and his first instinct is to reach for Amy. He was with her for years and ready to spend his life with her. It’s only natural that it should happen.

I understand it.
A part of me is sad that he didn’t get the life he wanted with her. A part of me is sad that I can’t fix that. I can’t be her. And it’s obvious that a part of him still wants that life that could have been.

I wouldn’t expect any less.

So then why does it hurt?