hunt

the apartment hunt is still ongoing.

1 - find apartment we can all agree on
2 - get cole a better job
3 - apply
4 - put down deposit.
5 - buy washer and dryer


the hunt for a therpist.. has been fruitful.
there is a lady in raliegh who has agreed to see me...

i'm nervous. What if she tells me its all in my head?
what if she gives a 100% official DID diagnosis?
what if she thinks i'm faking?

especially since Fae has been quiet latley. i'm in a good place mentally... but i still want to explore her.

how long has she really been with me?
it was before corie.
possibly even in high school. (disassociation was a coping mechanism for the bipolar)

why?

I didn't have any trauma.

also: how do i figure out when she will take a memory?

I suppose i should also mention how i occasionally see thing, how the night plays tricks with my eyes. moving shadows (it happens... idk how often because i tend to forget it as soon as it happens, but it does happen), hearing my name called (rare...very rare..), the one indecent a few weeks ago....

how the disassociation is getting bad.... at least once a week i don't recognize myself in the mirror. while i'm driving....getting so stuck in a daydream that coming out and doing anything (like turning in traffic) is like moving through molasses. The panic attack that almost lead to a psychotic disassociation a few weeks ago.  Going "grey"...

she works with disassociation. shes not new to this.

but what if she doesn't believe me?
what if she says its all in my head?



should i be prepared to defend myself?

"two or more distinct identities or personality states, each with its own enduring pattern of thinking, perceiving and relating.  In the vast majority of these cases, there is a reported history of extreme anxiety"

Fiona is more logical than i am, it a totally different thought pattern, one that does not feel emotions the same way an does not form attachments easily. She is an entirely different thought process... shes just been more quiet...

...what if she thinks that i'm faking it?...

Fae has been quiet.... but its uruallsy a cycle. i'm fine for like 3 weeks, then things get bad again and she steps up... then i'm fine again....

what if she says its just the bipolar?

i see her thursday the 3rd.

i don't know if i can handle another person telling me its all in my head. That its not real.

i'm scared.

next step on ethnography project

1. gather all data
2. print out all data --> tuesday
3. assign values to all variables  and calculate scores --> tuesday
4. make charts and graphsfor some of the questions
5. make chart for number of people in each category
6. begin presentation/power point - in progress
7. write up report - in progress

This weekend sucked.

This weekend has sucked.

Friday, my day off, I wanted to relax and have fun and hang out with my friends. Wanted to go to pirate fest but didn’t want to go alone, so I didn’t.  Made plans to go Saturday. More or less is what happened, just ended on a more negative note in my end because mental illness is a bitch.

Saturday
Was hoping to go to pirate fest, go to work, get off and go to the bar to hang out with other friends as well as get my 20 informants for ethnography assignment 6. (It’s due fucking Friday and I work 4 days this upcoming week.) with a large portion of the assignment done and hopefully me a little tipsy I was hoping to go home and sleep with my boyfriend.

None of that happened.

Did not go to pirate fest. I went to work and then went to a low energy kickback with friends instead of the bar. Couldn’t drink because I had to drive. Couldn’t really participate in most conversations. Listened to rap music which only seemed to lower the energy. Jimmie managed to get me out of my super grumpy state into a more relaxed only slightly bitchyness (saying we would do something together on Sunday, spend some boyfriend/girlfriend time) when they decided to put on rick and morty.

Which sent me back to square ducking one. Easily one of the worst shows I’ve seen.

So we go back to jimmies but I’m tired and in a shit mood again, so sex was one of the last things I wanted. We ducked around on our phones and then tried to sleep. I say try because his asshole neighbor was playing music the entire night (she finally cut it off around 12:45pm Sunday). Didn’t seem to bother Jimmie; he just played an audio of a space short story and fell asleep. I tossed and turned, got up walked around, drank some water, tried to sleep again... I was debating leaving and going home so that I could maybe get some sleep, but passed out. So I don’t know what time I fell asleep... sometime between 4-6.

Sunday:

I wake up at 11 with jimmies alarm with a pounding headache courtesy of his asshole neighbor. I’m in a shit mood because no sleep and I’m starving. I can’t go back to sleep because asshole neighbor, who’s musics’ beat is literally causing me physical pain. Jimmie gives me something for the headache and we dick around on our phones for a bit. He goes back to sleep and I continue to dick around after I realize there’s no fucking way I can sleep. I run out of things to do on my phone so I kiss him goodbye and go home.

He’s got 4 hours worth of homework to do after he wakes up and I have a pile of it as well. Still in a shit ducking mood but at least I’m in a bad mood with my cats and can maybe channel it into work. I'll message him in a few hours to see if he still wants to do something.

This weekend just ducking sucked.


*** edit
checked in. its after 4:30 and idk if he has even started. I guess we aren't going to be doing anything. gods above this weekend has sucked.

New list of back ups for the condo

Ranked in order of which i would prefer to ive... but all depends on roommates

1. Nathaniel Village (if we qualify)
2. Wedgwood Apartments
3. Peyton Circ
4. Keswick
5. Kitrell Place
6. Campus Run Apartment (at least if it matches the pictures - HARDWOOD FLOORS BABY)
7. Moss Creek
8. Gladeolus Garden
9. the house on 2nd st

Second choice options.... (these are NOT in order yet!!)

1. Summer Green (the larger 2 br option)
2. The Gables at Brownlea
3. Trafalgar
4. Brookridge
5. Summer Green (the bigger of the 2 options) 

Work load for the week

Need to do today for school:

- take psych quizzes
- ask a question and answer 2
- study for human sexuality test
- tonight at Christie’s behind ethnography assignment 6

Due Thursday - so Tuesday
- 1000 word paper on dinosaurs in the hood
- work on ethnography data results
- begin ethnography presentation

whats going on

So....Fae is keeping things from me.

Either there is a second alter she has been hiding and is starting to surface...

or it is simply a aprt of herself that she is hiding.

but chaos.

so much chaos.
the urge to play...
play
play
play
play

and by play that could be
rolling on the floor a
wrestling,
adventuring....

these are things Fiona and I both enjoy...

but then play could also be attacking people.
running into traffic.
giving me anxiety attacks.
making me hear or see things.


those last 4 make me think its not Fiona, because fae is all about protecting me.

but it might not be a new alter.
it might just be Fae's
faerie nature that she lets slip sometimes?

Because it feels like fae.... only without ANY of her control.
Like.... if fiona went psychotically manic, then that would be what this new thing is.

an angry/protective Fiona is kinda scary.
a Manic Fiona? thats fucking terrifying.

But is it my bipolar having an affect on Fiona,
or is it another alter that she has been hiding from me?

neither are good.

birth charts

me:
https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/calculate-birth-chart-horoscope-online/?send_calculation=1&narozeni_den=5&narozeni_mesic=12&narozeni_rok=1995&narozeni_hodina=15&narozeni_minuta=19&narozeni_city=Jackson%2C+MI%2C+USA&narozeni_mesto_hidden=Jackson&narozeni_stat_hidden=US&narozeni_podstat_kratky_hidden=MI&narozeni_podstat_hidden=Michigan&narozeni_podstat2_kratky_hidden=Jackson+County&narozeni_podstat3_kratky_hidden=undefined&narozeni_input_hidden=&narozeni_sirka_stupne=42&narozeni_sirka_minuty=15&narozeni_sirka_smer=0&narozeni_delka_stupne=84&narozeni_delka_minuty=24&narozeni_delka_smer=1&narozeni_timezone_form=auto&narozeni_timezone_dst_form=auto&house_system=placidus&hid_chiron=1&hid_chiron_check=on&hid_lilith=1&hid_lilith_check=on&hid_uzel=1&hid_uzel_check=on&tolerance=1&tolerance_paral=1.2#luna


jimmie

https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/calculate-birth-chart-horoscope-online/?send_calculation=1&narozeni_den=21&narozeni_mesic=4&narozeni_rok=1993&narozeni_hodina=17&narozeni_minuta=00&narozeni_city=Wilson%2C+NC%2C+USA&narozeni_mesto_hidden=Wilson&narozeni_stat_hidden=US&narozeni_podstat_kratky_hidden=NC&narozeni_podstat_hidden=North+Carolina&narozeni_podstat2_kratky_hidden=Wilson+County&narozeni_podstat3_kratky_hidden=Wilson&narozeni_input_hidden=&narozeni_sirka_stupne=35&narozeni_sirka_minuty=43&narozeni_sirka_smer=0&narozeni_delka_stupne=77&narozeni_delka_minuty=55&narozeni_delka_smer=1&narozeni_timezone_form=auto&narozeni_timezone_dst_form=auto&house_system=placidus&hid_chiron=1&hid_chiron_check=on&hid_lilith=1&hid_lilith_check=on&hid_uzel=1&hid_uzel_check=on&tolerance=1&tolerance_paral=1.2#tabs_redraw

Ethnography project notes

Alrighty SO...

https://ecu.az1.qualtrics.com/responses/#/surveys/SV_0qPqNjztNY9P2qp

i'm going to end up printing out the surveys taken and adding up the scores myself for each informant:

i am also going to have to exclude surveys taken by members OF the queer community. which i will mention in my report. (i also need to exclude my own responce that i entered to make sure that the survey worked).

goal is to have 5 informants in each year to cross and compare. I will keep a tally on this blog post:

so far:

last recorded count ended with the April 15th

# of responces that will be exluced:
11111111111

# of 1st years
11111

# of 2 years
11111

#of 3 years
11111

# of 4th years
1111111

# of 5+ years
111111

to do... finished.

 - edit novel for at least 30 minutes --> finished and mailed to her mom
- read sample essay for tutoring --- > not nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be
- start making online survey for eth. Project


and i have started passing out the survey!