hunt

the apartment hunt is still ongoing.

1 - find apartment we can all agree on
2 - get cole a better job
3 - apply
4 - put down deposit.
5 - buy washer and dryer


the hunt for a therpist.. has been fruitful.
there is a lady in raliegh who has agreed to see me...

i'm nervous. What if she tells me its all in my head?
what if she gives a 100% official DID diagnosis?
what if she thinks i'm faking?

especially since Fae has been quiet latley. i'm in a good place mentally... but i still want to explore her.

how long has she really been with me?
it was before corie.
possibly even in high school. (disassociation was a coping mechanism for the bipolar)

why?

I didn't have any trauma.

also: how do i figure out when she will take a memory?

I suppose i should also mention how i occasionally see thing, how the night plays tricks with my eyes. moving shadows (it happens... idk how often because i tend to forget it as soon as it happens, but it does happen), hearing my name called (rare...very rare..), the one indecent a few weeks ago....

how the disassociation is getting bad.... at least once a week i don't recognize myself in the mirror. while i'm driving....getting so stuck in a daydream that coming out and doing anything (like turning in traffic) is like moving through molasses. The panic attack that almost lead to a psychotic disassociation a few weeks ago.  Going "grey"...

she works with disassociation. shes not new to this.

but what if she doesn't believe me?
what if she says its all in my head?



should i be prepared to defend myself?

"two or more distinct identities or personality states, each with its own enduring pattern of thinking, perceiving and relating.  In the vast majority of these cases, there is a reported history of extreme anxiety"

Fiona is more logical than i am, it a totally different thought pattern, one that does not feel emotions the same way an does not form attachments easily. She is an entirely different thought process... shes just been more quiet...

...what if she thinks that i'm faking it?...

Fae has been quiet.... but its uruallsy a cycle. i'm fine for like 3 weeks, then things get bad again and she steps up... then i'm fine again....

what if she says its just the bipolar?

i see her thursday the 3rd.

i don't know if i can handle another person telling me its all in my head. That its not real.

i'm scared.