back to my roots

since i don't have any work to do for thursday class tonight.. and no work to do for any classes next week (spring break ohhhhh yeeahhhh) i have 4 hours today to research things to get back to my roots.

I'm going to do some research for some writing... 

then i'm going to write for at least an hour. 

I'm thinking.... Leanan Sidhe. 

 I want to play with both her dark and light aspects. 

https://ghostlyaspectsfolklore.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/immortal-lovers-the-leanan-sidhe/

use some of these as she travels with a group

https://www.bpal.org/topic/12199-leanan-sidhe/

omg... a girl tries to save her boyfriend from a woman she suspects is Leanan Sidhe... only to start to fall for her... and in the end... she finds out that she herself was her boyfriend's muse and has been unknowingly feeding off of him. The fae she suspected was actually watching over her and waiting to take her home to be with her people... 

or

will probs be this one: (which i will put on my novel writing blog)

A young woman starts a relationship with an artist... after great success the girlfriend falls sick. Determined to find out whats wrong the protagonist is lead to believe that the sickness is not natural... and her search for a cause leads her to the faerie world. She is joined by a band of misfits who agree to take her to the hall of the seelie court to ask for assistance. Her adventure unfolds as she quests for the cure for her lover. 

(more indepth on other blog)

Resources for Dead Medicine Paper

time table:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_years

all:
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140673608609071/fulltext?rss=yes
https://onlinelibrary-wiley-com.jproxy.lib.ecu.edu/doi/pdf/10.1111/lic3.12109
Mummies, Cannibals and Vampires: The History of Corpse Medicine from the Renaissance to the Victorians
https://link-springer-com.jproxy.lib.ecu.edu/article/10.1023%2FA%3A1006816817733
https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/29790453.pdf?refreqid=excelsior%3A2063a309956a52c0a3513a4045db0412 ^^

Relic:
healing: https://www.treasuresofthechurch.com/about-relics
https://jfpenn.com/religious-relics/
https://thecatholictraveler.com/hanging-dead-relics-incorruptibles/

Early Examples: (prior to1501)
https://listverse.com/2017/04/30/top-10-corpse-medicines-that-turned-patients-into-cannibals/
http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/europe-s-medicinal-cannibalism-the-healing-power-of-death-a-604548.html
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tupi_people#Cannibalism -->  http://www.heretical.com/cannibal/samerica.html
https://onlinelibrary-wiley-com.jproxy.lib.ecu.edu/doi/pdf/10.1111/lic3.12109


16-17th (1501-1700)

"By the 16th century, cannibalism was not just part of the mental furniture of Europeans; it was a common part of everyday medicine from Spain to England.

Initially, little bits of pulverized mummies imported from Egypt were used in prescriptions against disease, but the practice soon expanded to include the flesh, skin, bone, blood, fat and urine of local cadavers, such as recently executed criminals and bodies dug up illegally from graveyards, says University of Durham’s Richard Sugg, who published a book in 2011 called Mummies, Cannibals and Vampires: The History of Corpse Medicine from the Renaissance to the Victorians.

Medicinal cannibalism reached a feverish pitch around 1680, Sugg says. But the practice can be traced back to the Greek doctor Galen, who recommended human blood as part of some remedies in the 2nd century A.D., and it continued all the way into the 20th century. In 1910, a German pharmaceutical catalog was still selling mummy, says Louise Noble, who also wrote a book on the topic called Medicinal Cannibalism in Early Modern English Literature and Culture."https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/europes-hypocritical-history-of-cannibalism-42642371/

Mummies: https://bonesdontlie.wordpress.com/2015/04/08/new-morbid-terminology-corpse-medicine/

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140673608609071/fulltext?rss=yes
Dr. Toope: http://thingsinthree.blogspot.com/2013/06/dr-robert-toope.html
https://www.laphamsquarterly.org/roundtable/brief-history-medical-cannibalism
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-gruesome-history-of-eating-corpses-as-medicine-82360284/

Explicit examples:
- https://www.ranker.com/list/facts-about-seventeenth-century-corpse-medicine/lisa-a-flowers --> this includes some placenta eating info!
- https://listverse.com/2017/04/30/top-10-corpse-medicines-that-turned-patients-into-cannibals/


up to the 18th - 20th century (1701-2000)
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(08)60907-1/fulltext
https://listverse.com/2017/04/30/top-10-corpse-medicines-that-turned-patients-into-cannibals/
very end: http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/europe-s-medicinal-cannibalism-the-healing-power-of-death-a-604548.html
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-gruesome-history-of-eating-corpses-as-medicine-82360284/

Contemporary (1945-present):
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-gruesome-history-of-eating-corpses-as-medicine-82360284/
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9780230118614_7
https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/cannibalism/ -->  https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/southkorea/9250438/Pills-filled-with-powdered-human-baby-flesh-found-by-customs-officials.html
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/feb/13/eat-me-natural-unnatural-history-cannibalism-anthropology-bill-schutt-review
Placenta eating:
- https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-questionable-nutritional-value-of-eating-a-human-pl-5960569




https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mellified_man --> chinese

Beauty

I looked in the mirror today and saw myself with no make up, dirty hair, and naked...
For the first time in a while.. I saw beauty.

My skin isn’t ugly, it’s just pale. The translucence will fade when I can sunbathe. The stretch marks will do their own thing, I can put lotion on to help with those.

My face wasn’t as round as I thought, it’s was just my face. I feel focused on my eyes, which seem brighter than usual.


I have seen several bodies bigger than mine and found them beautiful, so why is it I struggle to see beauty in my form?

Today I did

Reconnect

I need a serious reconnect with my soul.

the steps:

1. Set your intention. --> i have been stuck on this one for a long time
2. Feed your mind.
3. Be still every day. --> meditate... its okay if its guided meditations
4. Don't neglect your body. --> I severely struggle with this
5. Approach your practice with playfulness.--> I struggle
6.  Watch for signs. - i am terrible at this... but i'm trying to get better
7. Connect with your tribe. --> had this and lost it. Miss it greatly. 
8. Experiment.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22916/an-8step-guide-to-tapping-into-your-spiritual-side-today.html

suggestions from another site:

•  Remember what you love to do and go do it! 
• I need to get back to my writing. 
• I need to dance more often
• go for more walks
• do more readings
• Go on an adventure.
• go for walks, explore trails off the beaten path
• just go for a drive down back roads and sing
• Reconnect with your dreams and dream BIG.
• for someone named "dreaming bear" I have forgotten how to dream. I am disconnected from dreams. 
• Expand your comfort zone regularly.
• i need to start going to pagany things... look for cons and festivals somehow
• I need to reach out to Mike. I have to leave my comfortzone and get past my shame... Im going to try today. 
• Get quiet and listen - meditate

words of a stranger. (poem)

I am moved by the words of a stranger,
one who so clearly saw me better than I myself could whilst looking in a mirror.
Those things about myself which hide under pounds of flesh I could not see past,
shined clearly in the eyes of another.

I am moved by the words of a stranger,
whose smile was warm and almost unconditionally loving.
He spoke with a voice that hugged the soul and words that encouraged flight,
his words carried a truth i longed to hear.

I am moved by the words of a stranger,
who so clearly stated something he deemed trivial in passing
but whose words spoke to and eased my heart in a way he could never understand.
"There is something magic about you."

I am moved by the words of a stranger,
With six words he reassured me of my biggest fear, made me feel the love of the universe again.
I am reminded of a truth I thought I had lost,
all the while it had not lost me.

I am moved by the words of a stranger.

messages from the universe

I will never again (okay i will but i am shook right now) doubt that the universe/the gods listen to us and look out for us.

so i have needed to talk to someone for a long time now about how spiritually disconnected i am and how i feel i have lost touch with my magical origins.

I feel disconnected from my soul.
I barley pray anymore.
My spell craft can't seem to go right.
I can't seem to connect with the faeries that are with me... if they are even with me anymore.

The longer i am in this human form... the more human i become.
My body is changing.
I'm losing touch with the divine more and more.

I thought i had pretty much lost anything magical about myself... i had lost myself.
I was talking about it to my friend Jerry yesterday... something in me made me reach out to him about it... and he offered some good advice and sent me a beautiful poem that helped him when he felt lost.

It was a beautiful poem and i could tell it was significant... i just couldn't understand the meaning fully.


then today out of nowhere this guy walks into the computer lab where i have my hours and just starts talking to me. He seems like he can't stay long and when he leaves he says "there is something magical about you.. there really is. I hope you don't lose that, because its special." when I said thank you and hugged him and told him i had actually been feeling disconnected from magic he shook his head and said "you are magical, I can tell." and i started to tear up he laughed and nodded; then he was gone. 


sometimes if you get a message one way but don't understand it, if its important enough the gods will send it to you again in another way.

sociology paper contest

I'm thinking about entering a sociology paper contest....

I figured I might do it on the topic of BDSM as a form of coping with stress (the non sexual aspect of ddlg, pet play, furies, etc)

I could feature data acquired through online interviews and any articles i have found.

Grad School: Accounting Courses

Daytime course or Night time?

1. Business core component:

• ACCT 6221 - Principles of Accounting and Finance - D
• ACCT 6231 - Principles of Business - D

2. Accounting evaluation component:

• ACCT 6621 - Intermediate Financial Accounting Theory - D
• ACCT 6631 - Advanced Cost and Systems - 
• ACCT 6641 - Advanced & Governmental Accounting - D

3. Accounting breadth component:

b. Undergraduate non-accounting majors
• ACCT 6611 - Auditing - both
• ACCT 6701 - Regulation - Night....every day??
• ACCT 6891 - Federal Income Taxation - D
• ACCT 6901 - Advanced Federal Taxation - D
• ACCT 6951 - Auditing Seminar - N....every day???
• ACCT 6981 - The Professional Accounting Environment - N...Everyday???
• 9 s.h. of accounting electives numbered 6300 or greater

okay so there is some time conflicts with the night classes... so it will probs be broken up 1 per semester

i would get out of class at 5....just be late to bistro/night time job?

hm....

Amy says that it will most likely meet shortly very day or meet for a long while once a week.

stress test

so... funny.

we did a stress test in class tonight and anyone who have over an 8 needs to seek counseling immediatly...

hahahahahahahahaha

i had a 23.


my professor looked at me like i was going to die

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Grad School: Accounting

Okay so.... more to add to this later, but: I'm not leaving Grad School - i'm just changing to Accounting.


I know, I know, I have no background in it. Which is why I was going to get the associates.....

but PCC will offer me no funding because i have a BA.

So i actually looked into the accounting MSA....


"The degree is completely self-contained, requiring no prerequisite accounting experience or course work. "

they have it designed so that people who know NOTHING about accounting can still do the program; it just means they will have more credits. i will have 45 credits to take instead of 30; thats it.  the program is designed around the individual!

Here are the classes I will have to take: https://www.ecu.edu/degrees/MSA/Accounting/#degree-courses

Basic Links needed:
- https://business.ecu.edu/grad/application/
- https://business.ecu.edu/grad/prospective/



i'm currently finding out all of what i have to do to transfer. 


OKAY SO
I need to request more letters of recommendation.
- Dr. Bunger
- Mr. Caird 
-Dr. Knox

I will need to update my resume.

$75 dollars for the application fee


I need to take the GMAT which requires vigorous studying... and $300. 
- https://www.mba.com/exam-prep/gmat-official-starter-kit-practice-exams-1-and-2-free
- free study material!!
- minimum requirement of 500 score

i have missed majority of scholarship applications...but if i am able to somehow wave a magic wand and take the test, apply, and get approved by April I can apply for these :

- https://ecu.academicworks.com/opportunities/9229
- https://ecu.academicworks.com/opportunities/11515 --> needs 3 letters of recommendation
-https://business.ecu.edu/grad/assistantships/

IMPORTANT DATES:
application due by June 1
Scholarships deadline April 30
Assistantship application deadline: July 1

Lets get this ball rolling. 


as far as paying for everything.... Jimmie's graduation present will have to take a back burner :(

notes moving forwad

okay so the new reading for my online class is 224.
tomorrow do the work for monday. start reading and summarizing.
Friday: chapters 1-4
Saturday: chapters 5-8
Monday: chapters 9-12
--------------------------------------
When I go home today...

- go pay taxes on car!!!! --> like 200
- pay $100 on doctor bill
- do taxes....
------------------------------------------

and i need to be checking my mail daily for my acceptance letter from pitt so i can get my student ID and set up a email with them for fall.

so yeah i got my acceptance email today

Presentation for online class:

slide one: Missing Women on Reservations

“I was aware that what was happening was in the nature of something unusual. A missing mother”

The Round House (5)

This is an experience that Joe is not alone in. Using two articles, the links to which will be included as notes with assignment if anyone wishes to read them, I look into the issue of Missing women on Native American reservations.

the first article was from publicintegrity.org and was about the numbers of missing, murdered, and sexually assaulted native women on reservations; for my topic i only focused on numbers of missing women. 

The second article is from apnews.com and covers why native women are going missing and how the police are not much help in the matter. 

Both involve the story of a missing university student name Ashley, a member of the blackfoot tribe, among other stories. 
Slide two: the numbers

- As of 2016, there were 5,712 cases of missing Native American women reported to the National Crime Information Center. “The numbers are likely much higher because cases are often under-reported and data isn’t officially collected,”
- 1.8 percent of ongoing missing cases in the FBI’s National Crime Information Center database, even though they represent 0.8% of the U.S. population. → 0.7 of which were native women, despite only making up 0.4 % of the population
These cases include those lingering and open from year to year, but experts say the figure is low, given that many tribes don’t have access to the database.
- In Montana: 22 of 72 missing girls or women — or about 30 percent — were Native American, according to Montana’s Department of Justice. But Native females comprise only 3.3 percent of the state’s population

Keep in mind these numbers don't include any rapes, murders, or violent crimes committed against native women; these are just the missing. 

- The numbers of crimes against natives has grown since the flooding tens of thousands of non native pipeline workers come to “man camps” near tribal land. "As oil prices go up, companies need more and more workers, and “that’s when you’re going to bring in quantity over quality,” according to a pipeline oil worker who was interviewed in Article 1"


.



Slide 3: Why?
 On the side of the police there is the issue of jurisdiction:
 - One person in Article 2 explains: "Where do I go to file a missing person’s report?... Do I go to the tribal police? ... In some places they’re underfunded and undertrained. The Bureau of Indian Affairs? The FBI? They might want to help, but a missing person case without more is not a crime, so they may not be able to open an investigation. ... Do I go to one of the county sheriffs? ... If that sounds like a horribly complicated mishmash of law enforcement jurisdictions that would tremendously complicate how I would try to find help, it’s because that’s what it is.”
- Article 1 quotes a senate report in its explanation for why these crimes are so high in number but so few in results: " This likely reflects “difficulties caused by the justice system in place,” including the “lack of police on the ground in Indian Country,” and “shortfalls for training, forensics equipment, (and) personnel,”

On the side of the Native peoples:
- A woman in Article 1 says that “Native American women are victims of violence far greater than any population in the country simply because of who we are as Native women, and what we represent, our tribal nations,”
-“It boils down to racism,” article 2 says, “You could sort of tie it into poverty or drug use or some of those factors ... (but) the federal government doesn’t really give a crap at the end of the day.”


Slide 4: Working Towards a Solution...but still a long way to go

Legal Activism:
- Article 1 mentions how activists, both native and non native, are pushing to have these crimes prosecuted as hate crimes; "A hate crime characterization ...  would be a stepping stone—a solid stepping stone—to further legislation and acts to help with missing and murdered indigenous women efforts,” 

Article 2 features a man name Lone Bear who is "working to develop a protocol for missing person cases for North Dakota’s tribes “that gets the red tape and bureaucracy out of the way,”

Lawmakers in a handful of states also are responding. In Montana, a legislative tribal relations committee has proposals for five bills to deal with missing persons.

Awareness:
In article 1 a pipeline oil worker says that  the lack of background checks for the culture of racism demonstrated during production peaks in the Bakken formation.  he believes his company will do a better job at “weeding out those bad eggs” in the next oil boom and is hopeful other companies will do the same.

- North Dakota Senator Heidi Heitkamp has been working on passing a bill called  Savannah's Act (named after a murdered pregnant native woman) improve tribal access to federal crime information databases. It would also require the Department of Justice to develop a protocol to respond to cases of missing and murdered Native Americans and the federal government to provide an annual report on the numbers.

These are small but important steps. Just as the hashtag used in the second article indicates... these Native American women, with so many taken and missing, are not invisible. 

To include as a message:

I have never done a voice over in a power point presentation and so as a precaution I have included a script of what I said in my voice over as a document just in case.

I have included the links:

https://publicintegrity.org/federal-politics/murdered-and-missing-native-american-women-challenge-police-and-courts/
https://www.apnews.com/cb6efc4ec93e4e92900ec99ccbcb7e05




https://www.edgaged.net/2017/05/voice-over-in-google-slides.html

Sense of self

okay so what exactly is a sense of self?

"In psychology, the sense of self is defined as the way a person thinks about and views his or her traits, beliefs, and purpose within the world. ... When these two come together, your sense of self begins"

I know who i am and what I believe. I can make a long list describing myself.
But it feels like i'm describing any other person; they are just facts.


My name is Lisa.
I am a daughter and a sister.
I am 5'2', 120-130 lbs most likely, with brown eyes and short dark brown hair.
I believe in faeries and that multiple deities exist.
I believe that my soul is faerie and that in order to cope with being human my mental state was divided in half and torn between polarities.
I have personal ethics, some of which do not go along with the status quo.
I am a skilled writer and work well with people when it is required of me
I am kind; not always nice, but i am kind.
I have two thought processes in my mind in a variety of proportions at any given time.
I have trauma.
I have goals for the future. (make enough money to be financially stable while being able to do leisurely activities)
I am very social, i prefer to have close intimate friendships and to be around them often.
I have a degree and hopefully within the next 5 years I will have 2 more.
I am interested in high fantasy genre works of media
I like puzzles and riddles, although i am not overly fond of people who speak in riddles.
I enjoy wearing dark and earth tones as well as vivid colors.
I am a decent tarot and oracle card reader.
My purpose in life, spiritually, is that I help people transition from one phase of their life to another.

I do not feel I am meant for any particular vocation, although I know there are some i would prefer not to have.

I can identify myself and list facts about myself; is this not a sense of self?

D mentioned taking 5 minutes "to come back to yourself" and i had no idea what the hell she was talking about.

Do I have a sense of self or not? and If I don't then how the hell do i get one because I don't understand.

therapy....?

So i think I need to go to therapy... I have a lot I need to sort out about myself and work through but I think I need someone's help to do it.

the hard part is finding someone who I can trust and who won't be judgmental. A portion of what i need help working through is spiritual and I am not in the mood to have to defend my spiritual beliefs.

 but I need to reclaim a sense of self - apparently I don't really have one.
I need to learn how to be unconditional love again and let go of pain - which i honestly don't know how to do.

I also need to get rid of the lingering anxiety of corrie's relationship... i'm tired of having anxiety attacks when i'm trying to be intimate with jimmie.

Last of the week schedule

Thursday: do all of thursday's work. will take all 4 hours.

Friday: Do the power point for online presentation. r start Wednesday's work (only 85 pages via pdf on blackboard).

Sat: do the voice over for presentation and submit. do some reading . Work on papers.

Monday: finish reading for Wed. and write analysis

candle spell notes

Alex - healing
Lisa - spirituality

Both cory’s and D’s cracked and broke... cory’s More so...
for some reason the spell didn’t want to take for them.

The base candle has been done, I need to move onto colors now.

Lisa - purple, lavender,  yellow, silver, gold, black

Alex - blue, light blue, orange, yellow, black

Each color is to be burned by itself and the next one layered on top.

Black at the very top so it’s the first to be burned: protection, repels negativity vity

Reading schedule new

OKAY SO.

thursday's work is going to be a fuckton. will probably take more than the 4 hours on thursday i ahev... so:

Today is sunday; I have read up to chapter

Monday i need to get up super fucking early and finish the book; no lunch break with jimmie because he will be gone all day - but i have that luncheon i can go to if i want... Don't really see the point in it though since i don't need to get close to the professors since i'm leaving the program.

Tuesday I can get up early and write the analysis; get up at 8:45 when jimmie leaves.... write the analysis and probably finish by 10-11. Do the first thursday assignment  - have lunch with jimmie - start reading the shorter of the Thursday readings.  Go to work.

Wed. Work on posters while in the lab. come home and watch an episode of something to relax. start reading the long article... jesus that gonna kill me. meet jimmie for lunch.  come home read more of the article. go to work.

Thursday: if article still isn't finished then finish it. do the written assignment. Do monday's work.

Friday: Do the power point for online presentation. google how to add a voice ove.r start wednesday's work. (unsure of how long and how to distribute reading allotments because the reading will be provided on blacboard but are not currently up there)

Sat: do the voice over for presentation and submit. do some reading . Work on papers.

Monday: finish reading

and repeat this over and over.

Withdrawal part 1.

I want to withdraw from grad school. Right now.

I thought I would be able to last the semester but I was already struggling to keep up...

This past Thursday took so long to finish that it put me behind on Monday’s work which in turn put me behind on Wednesday’s work.

And now he has added even more work which will take even longer.


I feel like I can’t win.

But I can’t withdraw.

It’s too late for me to withdraw and receive any refunds for my tuition.
I need the assistantship to help pay back the loan I took out.

That is the sole reason I am staying te in the program for the remainder of the semester.


I just pray I can do it and not ruin my academic record with bad grades.

have a mentioned?

Have i mentioned how much i hate grad school?

The thought of doing this shit for another 3 months makes me want to gauge my eyes out.

I am so fucking fed up with it all and its only been a single goddamned month.

reading....

okay so all my work has taken more time than i thought it would this week, so i am a bit behind.

I have 317 pages to read and summarize.

I have an hour today, tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday. - a;though Tuesday i like to have pretty much finished and just like to write the analysis and then start on thursday work.


So i alway s read the book 50% online summary and 50% book so that i can get furthure along faster but i still write my own version of the summary with more detail.
there is no grade saver summary by chapter but i found another one:

https://www.litcharts.com/lit/the-round-house/summary

so:
Today - Friday - read up to page 57 (up to chapter 4) - bring the book to work, write summary when get home.
Saturday - 108 (up to chapter 6)
Monday - 285 (up to chapter 11
Tuesday - 317 & analysis

important to note the professor commented on my first paper i wrote (after i had already turned in the third) and said it was okay to keep it to 4 pages (vs the 10-12 i have been turning in)

so my summary doesn't have to be as detailed anymore


i am also definitely going to use themes from this book for my first project.

https://www.apnews.com/cb6efc4ec93e4e92900ec99ccbcb7e05
https://www.usnews.com/news/us/articles/2018-11-14/report-cites-weak-reporting-on-missing-killed-native-women
https://publicintegrity.org/federal-politics/murdered-and-missing-native-american-women-challenge-police-and-courts/

one of those i will use for the discussian board and one of those i will use for my presentation