Friday, January 31, 2020

house hunting.

Looking for houses under 80,000. 3 bed minimum.


Greenvile
home insurance probably isn't more than like $100 a month, max.

Winterville



Washington - sadly most 3 bedrooms only have 1 bath :(


Chocowinity
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Thursday, January 30, 2020

modular home and land?

Modular homes 66,000 and under. (I excluded ones that had bedrooms under 10x10 because anything less than that is basically a closet)
****payments include mortgage, insurance, and tax. Does not include any HOA
** all houses ;ess than 1500sq ft
*** Original payment after 20% down payment
**if your granddad buys it, there are veterans benefits too.... no money down, lower interest rate, but higher monthly payments
*** as the payments get higher, the interest rate gets lower!











Land: 30,000 or under. I have them arranged by price, not lot size.
most are at least .5 acre (21,700 sq ft)

Greenville:


Washington:




Winterville (basically nicer greenville) - not worth.

  • https://www.landwatch.com/Pitt-County-North-Carolina-Land-for-sale/pid/335962327  


  • - 39000

  • https://www.homes.com/property/0-dublin-road-winterville-nc-28590/id-100007876414 


  • - 3800 and only 1600ft


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    Thursday, January 23, 2020

    Worried about Humu.

    I'm worried about Humu. (Sebastion didn't fit him at all and I think Bast isn't hanging around me at the moment anyway... besides he's technically Dalton's cat that I'm taking care of until he gets his own place)... Dalton's favorite book has a character whose name is humunuku..... something long and complicated in another language - so I call him humu. (and no its not the humuhumunukunukuapuaha fish.)

    I bathed Humu. He was fine after that... was loving and starting to come out of his shell. Would only hide if smokey was yelling at him...but yesterday something changed. I came home from work and he wouldn't even let me touch him. 

    I was concerned because I hadn't seen him eat or drink except for a little bit of wet food. He pissed on the carpet twice... so I bought him his own cat litter thinking that would help. Well he hasn't used it but I haven't found anymore piss spots... and for a cat to go 4 days without pooping is not usual... and someone has used the cat litter at least a bit, so maybe he's finally using it?

    He has taken to hiding under the bed (he stopped hiding under the desk when I put the cat litter there) but now he has retreated even further. So today i'm going to take everything out from under it, get him out and put him in the bathroom. I'm then going to inspect and make sure I don't need to clean up any mess under the bed... re-pile everything back under, but i'm going to try to do it in a way that prevents any kitties from hiding too far under, leaving only the outer rims for hiding. 

    Then i'm going to walk into the bathroom and love Humu. He really wanted to come on the bed while I was sleeping the other night and smokey would have none of it.... the next day he wouldn't let me touch him. So i'm going to remind him that I am a safe person, that if I am there then smokey can't bully him. (Smokey has been more and more curious about him so i think with time he will chill the fuck out.) Hopefully then we can go back to how it was the first like 2 days. 




    I got him Sunday night, he was scared and hiding. Monday he was more willing to come out after I would drag him out and love him, especially after his bath. Tuesday he was walking around when I came home and even tried to join me on the bed that night... Wednesday he was more terrified than ever. Makes me wonder.... So today Thursday we will remind him he is safe and loved. 
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    Wednesday, January 22, 2020

    Who I am.

    why is it that when we as people get asked "tell me about yourself" our brains always go blank? We know ourselves, know how we would describe ourselves, but when put on the spot its just white noise and "ummmm..... what do you want to know?"

    is it because we are such complex creatures?

    I know the basics of how I would describe myself. Compassionate, sweet, easily excitable, spiritualistic, and naive. 

    I also know how i wish others would see me, although I do not know how I am actually perceived. I want to be seen as someone who is almost otherworldly... confidant and in control - of not of my environment then of how I respond to it. I want to be seen as a leader, someone who people can go to for help and comfort, or someone people can go to for problem solving. I want to radiate love, grace, and compassion - I want to be seen as alluring but not just in a physical way. I want to draw people to me and for them to be comforted just by being near me - I want to bring people peace and light just by existing. I want people to see the inner peace and happiness I have and to feel that open up within them too. I want them to see my passion for life and for everything that I do and to draw inspiration from it. 

    It is my hope that people will be able to sense that I am otherworldly. I am faerie. That means I am a being of magic and love and power and grace. I want this to be clear to all who see me and interact with me.  When I walk into a room I want it to feel like everyone is breathing in the fresh air of a forest. I want them to feel as if wildflowers are just out of the corner of their eye. 

    That is how i want to come off to others. I am far from this goal, but it is one that I can achieve only by knowing and accepting myself in all my perfection and imperfections. I need to reconnect with my higher self and to remember what I am completely. I need to reconnect with who I was, to remember who I am, and when the two combine in harmony I will be who I want to be. 


    ..




    but how to do that?
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    Non-Profit Job dreams

    I am so happy I could cry.

    The more I read into sustainability in business, not just tourism and hospitality, the more I realize I made the right choice. This aligns so well with who I am as a person; it's all about helping others and trying to make the world a better place. 

    Sustainability goals are really all about helping the environment and the community, not just in one location but around the world. 

    I feel like I want to be an event planner for a nonprofit more so than a hotel or resort. Might have to start out working with a hotel or resort or some other event planning firm, but I would want to eventually work for an environmental nonprofit. 
    ^ list of environment non profits that would be awesome to work with. 

    some others:


    https://www.sustainabilitydegrees.com/blog/most-influential-sustainability-ngos/

    http://www.eco-usa.net/orgs/nc.shtml


    I have to look through these with a fine tooth comb because one had a New Economy Energy Coordinator job that was legit a CSR and Event Planner job. 
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    Tuesday, January 21, 2020

    Who are you?

    A figure in the mist asks me “who are you?”
    The questions sinks to my core
    My mood sinks with it, for I do not know.

    But I raise my head, the fire in my heart ignites.
    My soul knows the answer,
    My voice need only to give it sound.

    I am a woman of strength and dignity,
    My presence bringing calm to chaos,
    My loving will is obeyed.

    I am a woman of kindness,
    My eyes sharp, but smile soft,
    I welcome others into my heart with joy.

    I am a woman of the other world,
    My magic surrounds me in waves,
    It is there in everything I do.

    I am a soul on its way back home,
    Bringing everyone along with me.
    So I reply, “who are you?”
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    Monday, January 20, 2020

    updates

    OKAY! so some new updates....

    - I adopted a new cat, he looks just like smokey only hes bigger and has a more round face (smokey's is narrow). I have named him Sebastion (Se- BAST-ion) as a living alter to Bast. i plan to take him to the vet soon to make sure he isn't hipped, how old he is, and see if hes healthy. Smokey is greatly displeased but should adjust soon. 

    - I may not be living with Aaron in July.... If that happens I will move in with Dalton, who should have his own place by then. The fact that after 3 months he wants me to live with him... is ... an odd sensation. I wanted to take things really really slow with him after how much I devoted myself to jimmie.. be on the safe side. Life has other plans... however while i WANTED jimmie to be the one... I have an almost intuitive feeling Dalton might... ya know. Be the one. The man told me he already knows how hes going to propose to me. He def thinks I'm the one for him. 

    - I changed Majors. Again. the MBA program was too power and money hungry. It made me sick and I hated the classes I was taking. I'm now getting a Masters of Science in Sustainable Tourism and Hospitality... and i LOVE it. it feels better and the way the classes are designed I should actually have no problem getting out of academic probation. Oh! and the kicker? By changing my major I will actualy be graduating sooner. by like a year. 

    so. once again life is straightening out. 
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    Wednesday, January 15, 2020

    Introducing Myself: Sojourner

    “Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”
    ― Toni Morrison, Beloved

    I have never been the best at introducing myself. It's easy when meeting for a short period of time; you smile, shake hands, say your name, and let the other person talk. This memoir however is a one sided conversation from me to you, dear reader. So how best do I introduce myself? With the basics I suppose. 

    I was born in Mississippi in 1995 and moved to North Carolina with my twin sister and baby sister in tow in 2001. I could give you a cue anecdotal introduction as to what my childhood was like so that you may discern a glimpse of who I am, but I am sorry to report I have very little memory of that time of my life. The few glimpses of memory I do poses are mostly cemented through pictures my mom has shown me, although I can tell you I did have a unicorn imaginary friend. The beginning of stable memories begin around 2003-4. 

    I grew up with a twin sister named Racheal and a younger sister named Cara, we were raised by a single mother named Nicole and a family friend - our aunt Mary. We grew up on the poorer end of the socioeconomic scale but it served as a motivator for all of us. My twin went on the become a Military Officer, and my little sister and I are still figuring life out. I got an undergraduate degree in Cultural Anthropology and have since proceeded to jump majors at the masters level. At first I wanted to stay in social science but be more practical in my choices, so i did a semester in the Sociology MA program, before deciding that Anthropology was the  social science for me. However the need to be practical still rang in my head as I looked for a "big kid" job. I then decided to get my Masters in Business Administration because i knew it guaranteed me a job. 

    So why would I do something practical even though I don't like it? Because money is how you survive in this capitalist society and at my very core I am a Survivor. I pride myself on being a survivor, I have survived everything that life has thrown my way. I survived growing up in poor; I have survived bipolar disorder 15 years undiagnosed and 9 years medicated; I have survived heartbreak and abuse and near death experiences. I survived. But one of the hardest things for me to do, is to not settle for just surviving - I need to embrace life and live. 

    I am a passionate person and passions are what make life worth living. Growing up I had a passion for writing, something that to this day that I carry with me. I write poetry, plays, works of fiction... and now officially memoir. I have a passion for nature, I go for walks constantly, camp as often as I can, and immerse myself in the calming presence of the natural world. I have a passion for my faith; I identify as an eclectic pagan who follows faerie faith. It reminds me that in this life which feels more like a battle I am not fighting alone... but it also reminds me that this life is a lesson, not a battle. I have a passion for education and learning, while I may no longer be pursuing anthropology further in an academic setting I am always searching and learning because anthropology is a  way of thinking and viewing life. I also guest speak once a semester on Asexuality because I am passionate about reaching out to others who may not yet have a name for what they are and I want to show them they are not alone. My biggest passion in life is people. Other people, relationships, strangers, family... they all make life worth living and more meaningful. While I may be pursuing a heartless degree in business I bring the heart to it by focusing on hospitality management  -  I will pursue my passion for people. 

    There are also the "little things" that remind me to live instead of just survive. Faeries, while many may not believe, are a big part of my life. All fae, even the hardened survivors like myself, are loving in their core. The little signs and ways of letting me know they are there to remind me not to take life too seriously.  I also have a furry little goblin of a cat named Smokey. His demand for attention and playtime helps me to simply enjoy existing and relax. His behavior changes as my moods do, making him the best companion to have during bipolar episodes. His unconditional love is one of those "little things" that remind me that there is more to life than hard work, stress, and survival. 

    How does one go from having a focus on surviving to a focus on living? When I asked others this, finally wanting to change how I was thinking, most people told me "healing" and therapy.  Healing is an important goal but I feel like those that have gone through trauma never fully "heal", the act of healing is a lifelong struggle. Healing is not a destination, but I truly believe that living is. Healing is an important aspect of living, it helps one to live and to continue to choose to live instead of merely survive.  It could be my inner survivor but I almost feel like choosing to enjoy and live life to the fullest is an act of defiance against all of the hurt and obstacles that get thrown our way. This is a point of view I have had to fight to have and keep and it fuels the fire in my heart when life seems to be crushing me. 

    How does one go from having a focus on survival to a focus on living? It's taken me a few years to reclaim this positive outlook on life, but the first step was simply to choose life. When you make the active choice to move towards living ,it immediately, even if microscopically, loosens the chains trauma has around your heart and mind. Where once everything seemed frozen in a heightened state of urgency and danger, lost and alone in the cold dark, there in the distance begins a warm ray of light. As I moved through getting help and addressing my trauma, the ice in my veins thawed and I found I could move once again. The thawing in this metaphor is healing... but the movement forward towards the light is living. I even struggle with healing now and I know that it will be a struggle I carry with me always, but I am free. I no longer am frozen in a place of panic or weighed down by the chains of what I have had to overcome. Life itself has granted me freedom and with that freedom I will always from this moment forward chose to live. 
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    Friday, January 10, 2020

    out of it

    Long story made short:

    My friend Ariel watched her best friend kill himself with a shotgun in her bedroom. Everything his blood touched is going to be burned and destroyed. She's essentially homeless now.

    So my mom offers to take her in, no time limit, until she's able to save up and get back on her feet. This is kind of big considering Ariel has a very active husky dog... and the cats are terrified of it. He's not going to hurt the cats... but if he chases them, which he has already done, he could give them heart failure from fear. However she doesn't want him locked in that tiny room all the time. Apparently last night she was talking to cara and, alongside talking down to her and interrupting her, insinuated that it was caras job to take care of the dog when ariel isnt there. 

    Which should be never considering She doesn't start work until february, so if she goes somewhere, Romeo should go too. But now there is tension and cara is very upset. my mom and cara agreed to wait a week to see if Ariel calms down, but if she doesn't then they aren't going to keep her. 

    Logically I know its not my fault if this doesn't work out... but i feel like it is. I feel responsible and now i'm super stressed because i feel like i need to find her another place... and i've been just off since we went  back to her house and i saw into the room...

    There is still brain matter on the walls. The splatter on the ceiling is what got me more though. 

    So i'm super stressed and out of it today. 
    I feel like i've taken lorazepam and my brain is functioning at 5%
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    Wednesday, January 8, 2020

    solar plexus

    So aparently My solar plexus/belly chakra  is so closed it might as well be a brick just sitting there. 

     The solar plexus involves will power, autonomy, responsibility, balanced self-discipline, your confidence and self-esteem but also your spontaneity, sense of humor and playfulness.

     And considering how I have felt about myself over the past several months? Yeah. Oh Yeah.
    Symptoms of energy defiency include:

    • Insecurity, anxiety and fear
    • Low body weight and poor appetite
    • Lack of confidence and poor self-image
    • Inability to focus and lack of organization
    • troubles with memory. - YA WANNA REPEAT THAT ONE?!
    • Stomach ulcers, indigestion, diabetes, eating disorders and other illnesses tied to the digestive system can also be symptoms of an unbalanced solar plexus chakra.
    • citrine
    • amber
    • sunstone
    • yellow jasper
    • golden tiger eye
    • yellow jade
    • golden calcite
    • yellow topaz

    • squash
    • sweet potatoes
    • pumpkins
    • lentils
    • yellow and orange peppers
    • lemons
    • corn
    • yellow pears
    • golden apples
    • brown rice
    • oats
    • spelt

    Affirmations are a simple, useful tool that can open up your solar plexus chakra. These can be said at a certain time every day, or at various times throughout the day. Many people write them down and put them in noticeable places to remind themselves. Starting the day with affirmations can put you in the right frame of mind without having to spend a lot of time on meditation exercises.
    Since the solar plexus chakra is closely tied with strength and a healthy sense of self, affirmations that focus on self-acceptance and boundaries are most useful. Some sample affirmations include:
    •  love and accept myself.
    • I respect and honor myself.
    • I can achieve anything I desire.
    • I believe in myself.
    • I deserve to be loved and respected by those around me
    • I am the embodiment of inner peace and confidence.”
    • “I have high self-esteem and feel better about myself every day.”
    • “We don’t need to be in control of everything in our lives.”
    • “I’m powerful, and I am comfortable with that power.”
    • “I feel motivated to pursue my purpose.”
    • “I release myself from negative past experiences.”
    • “I’m ambitious, capable, and ready to fulfill my purpose.”
    • “I know I am worthy, good and capable.”
    • “I forgive myself for past mistakes, and I learn from them.”
    • “The only thing I need to control is how I respond to situation


    Essential oils are an easy, subtle way to open your solar plexus chakra. They can be worn as perfume if diluted properly, or used in oil diffusers. A few drops in a hot bath can provide a relaxing location for meditation.
    • chamomile
    • lemon - ehhh
    • ginger
    • black pepper
    • cinnamon - grooosssssss
    • clove - i can do this one. 
    • I found one source that says mint!! Can do!
    • Bergamot


    **Maybe if I do teas? I can easily do Ginger or Bergamot (Earl Grey - which would explain why its my go to comfort tea)
    Meditation with envisioning a sunflower over the solar  plexus  or simply being outside in the sun will help. (I wonder if its tied to vitamin D deficiency too?)
    so how does one open the solar plexus? 
    The chakras are each tied to certain stones, and bringing those stones into your life can help heal them. Chakra healing stones can be worn as jewelry, held during meditation or carried in a pocket. Some people place them on their work desk or under their pillows at night.
    The solar plexus chakra is associated with the color yellow, and with yellow gemstones. These include:
    Certain foods can be used to heal the solar plexus chakra. Adding these to your diet or increasing the amount you eat can help activate your chakra. The following foods are associated with Manipura:
      The essential oils associated with Manipura are generally warm and a bit spicy. They include:

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      Rebirth Spell

      I think that "prayer for 2020" i'm going to modify into an actual spell.


      I want to make a wicker man version of my current self, the self that needs to die for my "rebirth".
      I think I will burn that as both an offering and imitative spell to kill the version of self I have outgrown. 

      And I think I want to do it accompanied with a dedicated alochol drink made to help me connect with the fae/spirit guides/gods. that will require further research and help from amy. 
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      Tuesday, January 7, 2020

      Prayer for 2020

      *** Burn candles, anoint figures, light faerie incense, and have white zen and a snack ready****




      I send this prayer to the ones above and below
      May they hear my voice and know my heart
      releasing the fear and sorrow,
      and help me to move forward with this new start. 

      Demeter, mother of prosperity and harvest
      you who makes the world seem whole, 
      your grace and love steady me when i'm groundless,
      I pray to you now, steady my soul. 

      Queen Mab, Magic and Power surrounds you
      Remind me of the olden ways, 
      For faerie power lies within me too,
      lessons in the form of dreams in day. 

      Brigid, Quiet guardian of strength and steel,
      You guide me through ways unknown,
      teach me how to live and heal
      help my spirit and power grow. 

      Aine, goddess of healing, strength, and love
      take this heart of mine, hurt and scared
      Be the voice that assures me now
      I am safe and loved, even when it seems no one is there. 

      Cernunnos, father wild and free,
      I feel i need your help the most, 
      while my wildness is locked away inside of  me,
      I walk through life little more than a ghost. 

      Bast, my silent but watchful friend,
      I have not forgotten you. 
      My love for you knows no end, 
      and I pray I have your guidance too. 

      Thoth, bird of the word,
      I ask your help for projects and school,
      May my focus and inspiration be spurred,
      Wise man, please help me not to play the fool. 

      I call out to my fae and spirit friends, 
      though I have little to give
      I ask for your patience and love,
      I'm still learning how to live. 

      I burn this offering, I give food and wine
      In your name and to share the energy,
      I know the faults in life are mine,
      but i appreciate your help. Blessed be. 

      ***drink wine and eat snack****
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      Monday, January 6, 2020

      Sojourner: Introduction to situation - Chapter 1 of memoir work in progress

      "Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn, presented once again. So, where you made a faulty choice before, you can now make a better one,and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.” – A Course In Miracles-- 

      I am a firm believer that all the hard times and obstacles that we come in contact with are lesions that we must learn in this life. This memoir is the telling of one of the most difficult trials that I have had to face, how it changed me, and the lessons it taught me. I will now issue a trigger warning, this is a story about sexual and mental abuse, learning my own resilience, and how to start the life long journey of healing. 

      I have never liked the word "abusive," at least not when it was in context with me. I use to hate saying "I was in an abusive relationship;" the words felt heavy and oily making me want to shudder in disgust. These words felt like a brand pressed into my skin and rendering me weak and scarred. For a long time I felt that others could smell the seared flesh of my heart and mind and that's why I seemed to draw out the worst in people. It made me easy to manipulate and when I spoke those words out loud it filled me with an overwhelming feeling of weakness and shame. I was ashamed at letting it happen in the first place, ashamed of how long it took me to leave. It wasn't until I finally confided in my mother years later that she made me realize that what I went through didn't make me weak, that my brain was lying to me. 

      "You are a survivor. You got out of that situation and I'm proud of you." It took me even longer before I believed her words to be true. A survivor did not enter that relationship, an innocent girl with an open heart and mind did. A survivor is who coldly walked away and never once doubted herself for it. "Survivor" was a word with just as much weight as "abuse," only instead of being a rock that held me at the bottom of an ocean of shame, it was a mountain that lifted me above the waves as long as I had the strength to climb.

      If you had asked me what an abusive relationship was when I was younger I would have told you of broken bones and bruises pooling beneath torn skin. I would never have thought to describe laughter and smiles in the light of day, but tears and silent screams in the night. I thought I knew what abuse was, screaming and degradation followed by flying fists. Emotional manipulation and sexual coercion were foreign concepts to my young mind. Abuse victims were supposed to be quiet and withdrawn, easy to see and help, they didn't go out with their oppressors and put on displays of happiness all the while hiding misery beneath laughter born from denial. Perhaps that was why I didn't know I was being abused. My inexperience leaving me helpless and ignorant to the fact that what I was experiencing was not normal. 

      It all started with her. For the sake of her privacy I will name her... Camilla, after the character of a show we would watch together, moments when things were normal and there were no expectations. Even now all I want to do is see the best in her, but like the lesbian vampire Camilla, the very thought of her seems to suck the life right out of me. 

      I first met Camilla when I was working in a grocery store. She was kind of quiet and was in obvious need of friends. After getting to know her, I found out that she was a traveler, a rolling stone who sought excitement and adventure wherever she went. Her energy was light and fiery and I was instantly swept away in the very existence of her. She seemed to like how sweet and innocent I was, having only been in my first serious relationship for little more than a month or so. It wasn't long before she made it known that she had set her hungry eyes on me and she began to pursue me. Up to that point, sex had been a neither-here-nor-there factor for me; as a yet to be identified asexual it was never very high on my priority list. However Camilla put in the effort to seduce me and made me aware of the world of slow seduction and sensuality. 

      I never cheated, and in fact I even tried to put distance between us, although I was insanely curious to what she could teach me. Nevertheless, after being honest and transparent with my girlfriend of Camilla's advances, she became intimidated and broke up with me. Barley even a week later Camilla made her move. I wasn't interested in her romantically, but i was curious what she could show me, having been so new to the world of sex. I thought it would be a friends with benefits situation - she on the other hand made it clear she wanted a committed relationship. She wanted me to be totally hers, flattered and easily swayed, I figured "Why not?" even though my gut old me something was wrong. 

      In the beginning things were fine, exciting, and intoxicating. I found that I got extreme pleasure from sensuality and seduction, foreplay was fun and felt ... nice. However I completely lost interest after that point. I had no sex drive and nor was I actually sexually attracted to anyone. At first Camilla seemed unbothered by this, I believe she choked it up to my inexperience. She told me that together we would work through it, but I came to learn that she meant to "fix me". She believed that if she could just make me orgasm then I would come to live sex as much as she did and i would have a whole new outlook on the subject. 

      Once I came out as Asexual, having found a label and a community that made me feel less broken, everything changed. Camilla became less patient and less inclined to listen to my boundaries in the bedroom. When I didn't want her to do things to me she accused me of not trusting her. She seemed determined to go past my limit growing angry and frustrated whenever I couldn't take any more and make her stop. She began pressuring me into sex or telling me how sexually frustrated she was until I finally relented and let her have her way with me. This lead me to disassociate a lot during that point in my life. As soon as things went past my comfort zone I would cease to be, and my alternate self - Fiona - would take over until our body literally could take no more. I felt like I could not tell Camilla no and whenever I tried to explain how it all made me feel she would scoff and brush it off, making me seem like I was overreacting and our fights were my fault given how accommodating she tried to be with my "weird body". 

      Everything came to a head one night, the night I call "the incident". Camilla bought me a "present" and had been pressuring me for days to let her use it on me. She figured that oral sex alone didn't do it for me and was so sure that penetrative sex would be the key to making me climax. Finally I relented and agreed. But as soon as she left my side to grab the dildo, I changed my mind. When she pushed the issue I was so scared that I froze and dissociated. Fiona took control, told Camilla "no" and shot down her arguments, dressed us, and got us home. After that i refused to let Camilla touch me and we broke up about a week later. I was 19 and she was somewhere between 23-25, I can't remember.

      After that I went into complete denial about what happened that night and was able to remain friends with her until she moved away to her next adventure. It took me longer than I'd care to admit to block and delete her on all social media. 

      I never thought to describe our relationship as abusive and even when it came to my attention that what we had was far from normal and healthy I hesitated to agree. I felt to call Camilla an abuser was unfair, I do not think she ever intended to hurt me or cause me distress. She was domineering and wanted total control when it came to sex, but her underlying goal was, in her mind, to help me. She found a younger and mold able partner, but I wouldn't mold the way she wanted so she became more forceful. I hope her intent was genuinely good, Fiona vehemently disagrees. As far as Fiona is concerned Camilla was a predatory woman who grew angry when she couldn't groom me into her perfect lover, she was a gas lighter who wanted control. 

      Fiona grew more and more active when I was with Camilla, she remained active even after we had broken up. After finally coming to terms with the fact that I even had an alter, I began my relationship with my "head-mate." At first when I realized that she was a completely different version of me, a far less compassionate and far more logical version, I felt scared of her. She was always ready for a fight and would feel no remorse if she hurt someone. However, as time went on and I began to understand her I realized that she was a survivor. She was what made me strong - or so I thought at the time. She was my sword and my shield to life, taking the brunt of the trauma that happened and burring it deep, very deep, into the back of my subconscious. This worked for two years, until I had my first trigger and everything came rushing back at me all at once. 



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      zombie apocalypse

      So its 2020... in both 1820 and 1920 there were massive outbreaks of sicknesss. So there is the looming theory that another will break out.... and now there is talk of a possible 3rd war or retaliation from Iran and its allies for killing its #2 leader.

      i'm letting my writer brain take over and say: viral warfare leading to the zombie apocalypse. 
      Now its time to assemble a team.... there may be tension but would make a solid group. 


      Most important: Health Knowledge
      - Amy
      - Jimmie's EMT friend

      Basic wilderness Survival knowledge
      - Jimmie
      - Dalton?
      - Brooks?

      Building/Engeneering
      - jimmie
      - Cory... ... maybe. 
      - Dalton and Brooks can metal work. 

      Second Food/Foraging 
      - Brooks (can cook and foraging knowledge?)
      - Me (can cook and fish - can learn to clean an animal)
      - Amy (has herbal knowledge i think?) 
      - Mom (can cook and clean an animal)
      - Jimmie
      - we need someone who knows how to hunt and trap

      Supplies Runners/scouts
      - Cara
      - Me?
      - Dalton

      Textiles: clothes, blankets, nets, etc
      - Aaron
      - Mom
      - me (a little.. I know how to mend or so on patches)
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      Friday, January 3, 2020

      Sojourner; A Journey from Surviving to Living

      As part of my therapy i am suppose to write my trauma narrative.
      i've decided I am actually going to make it a publishable book.
      I think it would be classified as a memoir.


      Sojourner; A Journey from Surviving to Healing Living.


      ** I think I might start each chapter with a quote


      1) Introduction
      - Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn, presented once again. So, where you made a faulty choice before, you can now make a better one,and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.” – A Course In Miracles

      - who I am: a survivor (hating the word abuse; i am not a victim, I am a survivor...)
      - what this is
      - summary of my story and what happened
      -Fiona

      2) Triggered; the path to therapy
      -“We don't heal in isolation, but in community.” S. Kelley Harrell, Gift of the Dreamtime - Reader's Companion

      - realizing I needed help... bringing up fiona and then her not believing me 
      - first time going to therapy (fiona changing the topic and deciding we were fine)
      - panic attacks ---> reaching out for help
      - Finding the right one --> perfect combination of relatable and clinical
      - finding out i'm not crazy,  the process of diagnosis and realizing all the symptoms
      - crisis plan and the importance of support network. (give examples)

      3) Trauma; The dark cloud that follows
      -“When the dark clouds accompany us with the furious concert of Thunder, then the liberating rain will finally wipe away the tears from our cheeks.”
      ― sir kristian goldmund aumann

      - Dissociation and Fiona 
      - in depth look into the symptoms and confusion with bipolar : Arousal levels/irritability, dark thoughts/thinking traps, paranoia, aversion, denial...how therapy helped me through it. 
      - the gut punch: memory loss and confusion.. the panic and that doubt it brought.

      4) Thunderstorm; worst memories
      - “We were exiles from reality that summer. We were refugees from ourselves.” Chris Cleave, Little Bee

      - what little I do remember..
       - the forced walk to regain control.. feeling trapped. 
      - competing with the woman from her past, "you cried for me.. now i know you're serious i'll stay with you"
      - her reaction when i came out as asexual "we'll work on it together...to .. open relationship or breakup"
      - The incedent. 

      5) Relationships; 
      - “After all, when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom.” Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

      -how every single relationship after that was affected... I was a changed girl. 
      - sexless relationship lead to emotional manipulation: L
      - trying to date as a sex repulsed asexual
      - J- from sex repulsed to sex positive... the start of physical trauma panic attacks and comfort of BDSM 
      - D; current... the fear and comfort. 

      6) Thank you
      - "“Problems should be like speed bumps. You slow down just to get over it, but you don’t let it stop you from heading to your destination." -Sonya Parker

      - what I have learned 
      - words to other survivors (men and women)
      -where I am now in my journey
      -from healing... to living: goals and hopes for the future. 
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      Thursday, January 2, 2020

      self care plan 2020

      okay so there are 5 areas of wellness... they say self care should involve all of them... so i should need to do at least 1 self care for each area once a week.  The articles I read recommended making a list of 3-5 things in each area to pick from.

      physical, 
      - go for walks/to the gym
      - skin care: face masks at least once a week. ( I have 3 kinds... do one of each on dif days?)
      - take vitamin and thyroid meds
      - drink hot teas
      - use essential oils to aid in sleep. 
      - eat some goddamn yogurt
      - take ph balancing baths
      - sex once a week? (idk i don't think i really get the rush of endorphins thats suppose to make sex benefitial?)

      emotional, 
      - play with smokey with laser pointer 
      - take bipolar meds --> should be a given, but it counts
      - make a list of good things that have happened so far that week or things to be grateful about
      - write in therapy journal amd sessions once a week
      - kink once a month minimum (relinquishing control allows me to relax for that span of time)

      social,
      - have sex once a week - the physical contact should release bonding chemical 
      - go for a walk with another person (dalton? once a week?)
      - hang out with mom
      - hang out with a friend once a week... aaron? ariel? pub? pool?
      - play with smokey. 

      spiritual,  
      - on sundays; tarot card for each day( physical and metaphysical) , oracle card for the week (blessing and forest)
      - see what animal spirits want to talk to me
      - go on guided meditation 15 min+
      - take herbal/essential oil baths 
      - go for walks to sacred spot and talk to the fae. 
      - pray/talk to those on my alter

      financial
      - keep a financial calendar: know what bills will come out on what days
      - make a weekly budget and stick to it 
      - put money in savings ($25 a week)
      - eat leftovers. 
      - LEARN TO SAY NO

      ok what i'm seeing is:
      - walk on the weekends (and after work if daylight or if dalton is with me)
      - at least 1 guided meditation a week or at least 1 card reading a week
      - sex once a week for physical? and social self care. 
      - play with smokey 
      - make a financial calendar for each month --> keep at work? on phone?
      - take a bath at least once a week with facemask and ph balancing additive (apple cider vinegar, ph balance bath bomb, lavender oil is good for it!!? EPSOM SALT)
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      weed

      And while brooks is arrogant he is right.

      I don't like weed. 

      I have never had a good experience with it, DESPITE going into it with an open mind multiple time (which is where he is fucking wrong and shouldn't assume shit). 

      I tried marijuana multiple times before I ever met him. I tried it with him. I tried it with others. Good people with good atmospheres.  I was in a good mood.  Each time I thought "maybe this time it will be different" and hopefully give it a try.... then its not. 

      boring. 

      The one time I didn't get angry I just closed my eyes because i was watching pretty patterns on my eyelids. So bored i went to sleep. 

      Weed pro:
      - it has good medicinal properties. 

      Weed Cons:
      - It stinks. so fucking bad. before and after you burn it... even "good" shit. bad shit smells worse. 
      - It taste god awful. even second hand (via kissing).
      - it has a weak or unpleasant high 
      - It makes most people either incredibly boring or obnoxious. (there is maybe two people i've met that it didn't affect their behavior at all)
      - easy way to get ripped off or cheated out of your money... because who are you going to go to? the cops?

      Other than the medical properties of it I see nothing good about it. 
      Its fucking disgusting. 
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      Next New Years

      Next new years eve i will either have a proper game night or go out and party.

      This years was a let down. I brought easy games that could be played with all levels of sobriety, with simple rules and funny results that would keep people engaged the whole time or spark funny conversations. I told my mom and sister to come because i thought we'd all be snacking and playing and laughing. 

      instead there was a bunch of conversation that none of us (mom, cara, me, or VB) could relate to or contribute to. Very exclusive. Its kind of hard to feel festive and happy when the only conversation you can really have is about how you you cant be included in everyone else's conversation. Literally was just us kind of laughing at them because they might as well have been speaking another language. (mind you.. VB didn't care.. he was stoned and just chilling.)

      They were incredibly bored... the one or two times they tried to have a conversation they found who they were speaking to rude, arrogant, and unpleasant. I suggested playing cards against humanity because its a game everyone can play, easy to understand, its fun and funny, and would have brought everyone together. Would have picked up the already disappointed moods (cara and me) and found a way to include everyone in something. 

      Instead that was shot down with... dun dun dun... tarot card circle of death...  a complex game thats long and drawn out that we play every single time we ever decide to play anything while drinking. It took so long to even get that going that mom and cara ended up leaving because it was after midnight and they were bored (cara was also offended and trying to not fight anyone), I was bored and in a foul mood, and everyone was already drunk and obnoxious. The game was like it always is... long and relatively boring. 

      I would have left when my family did if it weren't for the fact that i spent so much money on the liquor i didn't have money to go out, plus i didn't want to hurt aarons feelings. So i stayed... ending up having to grab the crown i had brought specifically for me so i would actually have some left because thats what others seemed to want to drink... instead of the two bottles of liquor i actually bought for the house. 

      the only food was deviled eggs. (which if brooks and amy hadn't brought there would have been nothing)

      the most exciting and arguably only enjoyable part of the night was when we all had to go save and take care of a girl that had obviously been drugged. Which is fucking sad. 

      next year: proper game night or i'm going out. No party that i'm a "co host" for but feel like i can't even be a part of. Next year I will either have fun or go somewhere that i will. 
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