Introducing Myself: Sojourner

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”
― Toni Morrison, Beloved

I have never been the best at introducing myself. It's easy when meeting for a short period of time; you smile, shake hands, say your name, and let the other person talk. This memoir however is a one sided conversation from me to you, dear reader. So how best do I introduce myself? With the basics I suppose. 

I was born in Mississippi in 1995 and moved to North Carolina with my twin sister and baby sister in tow in 2001. I could give you a cue anecdotal introduction as to what my childhood was like so that you may discern a glimpse of who I am, but I am sorry to report I have very little memory of that time of my life. The few glimpses of memory I do poses are mostly cemented through pictures my mom has shown me, although I can tell you I did have a unicorn imaginary friend. The beginning of stable memories begin around 2003-4. 

I grew up with a twin sister named Racheal and a younger sister named Cara, we were raised by a single mother named Nicole and a family friend - our aunt Mary. We grew up on the poorer end of the socioeconomic scale but it served as a motivator for all of us. My twin went on the become a Military Officer, and my little sister and I are still figuring life out. I got an undergraduate degree in Cultural Anthropology and have since proceeded to jump majors at the masters level. At first I wanted to stay in social science but be more practical in my choices, so i did a semester in the Sociology MA program, before deciding that Anthropology was the  social science for me. However the need to be practical still rang in my head as I looked for a "big kid" job. I then decided to get my Masters in Business Administration because i knew it guaranteed me a job. 

So why would I do something practical even though I don't like it? Because money is how you survive in this capitalist society and at my very core I am a Survivor. I pride myself on being a survivor, I have survived everything that life has thrown my way. I survived growing up in poor; I have survived bipolar disorder 15 years undiagnosed and 9 years medicated; I have survived heartbreak and abuse and near death experiences. I survived. But one of the hardest things for me to do, is to not settle for just surviving - I need to embrace life and live. 

I am a passionate person and passions are what make life worth living. Growing up I had a passion for writing, something that to this day that I carry with me. I write poetry, plays, works of fiction... and now officially memoir. I have a passion for nature, I go for walks constantly, camp as often as I can, and immerse myself in the calming presence of the natural world. I have a passion for my faith; I identify as an eclectic pagan who follows faerie faith. It reminds me that in this life which feels more like a battle I am not fighting alone... but it also reminds me that this life is a lesson, not a battle. I have a passion for education and learning, while I may no longer be pursuing anthropology further in an academic setting I am always searching and learning because anthropology is a  way of thinking and viewing life. I also guest speak once a semester on Asexuality because I am passionate about reaching out to others who may not yet have a name for what they are and I want to show them they are not alone. My biggest passion in life is people. Other people, relationships, strangers, family... they all make life worth living and more meaningful. While I may be pursuing a heartless degree in business I bring the heart to it by focusing on hospitality management  -  I will pursue my passion for people. 

There are also the "little things" that remind me to live instead of just survive. Faeries, while many may not believe, are a big part of my life. All fae, even the hardened survivors like myself, are loving in their core. The little signs and ways of letting me know they are there to remind me not to take life too seriously.  I also have a furry little goblin of a cat named Smokey. His demand for attention and playtime helps me to simply enjoy existing and relax. His behavior changes as my moods do, making him the best companion to have during bipolar episodes. His unconditional love is one of those "little things" that remind me that there is more to life than hard work, stress, and survival. 

How does one go from having a focus on surviving to a focus on living? When I asked others this, finally wanting to change how I was thinking, most people told me "healing" and therapy.  Healing is an important goal but I feel like those that have gone through trauma never fully "heal", the act of healing is a lifelong struggle. Healing is not a destination, but I truly believe that living is. Healing is an important aspect of living, it helps one to live and to continue to choose to live instead of merely survive.  It could be my inner survivor but I almost feel like choosing to enjoy and live life to the fullest is an act of defiance against all of the hurt and obstacles that get thrown our way. This is a point of view I have had to fight to have and keep and it fuels the fire in my heart when life seems to be crushing me. 

How does one go from having a focus on survival to a focus on living? It's taken me a few years to reclaim this positive outlook on life, but the first step was simply to choose life. When you make the active choice to move towards living ,it immediately, even if microscopically, loosens the chains trauma has around your heart and mind. Where once everything seemed frozen in a heightened state of urgency and danger, lost and alone in the cold dark, there in the distance begins a warm ray of light. As I moved through getting help and addressing my trauma, the ice in my veins thawed and I found I could move once again. The thawing in this metaphor is healing... but the movement forward towards the light is living. I even struggle with healing now and I know that it will be a struggle I carry with me always, but I am free. I no longer am frozen in a place of panic or weighed down by the chains of what I have had to overcome. Life itself has granted me freedom and with that freedom I will always from this moment forward chose to live.