Fuck it.

I was reading him facts about German shepherds.... which included how expensive it is to feed them because large dogs eat more... and now he’s on the fence, leaning away from getting one.

My problem is unless the dog ticks the most important criteria

- calm/DOES NOT JUMP/VERY GENTLE NATURE
- not a puppy/ DOES NOT CHEW OR DIG
- good with cats/will ignore the cats
- I really want a dog that’s already fucking house trained.

I won’t even look at it.

Then those that do fall into that category?
 Beagles and hounds.

Which dalton says are usually talkers.

I do not want a talkative dog.
I also wants a dog that doesn’t stink as much, which I don’t know where beagles and hounds fall on the dog musk scale.
I want a dog with soft fur.

But it looks like the only dogs that actually fit the search parameters are beagle and hounds (mixes).

Which he may consider but I doubt he’ll get and I don’t really want one.


So yes. I am once again anti-getting a dog.
Probably even more so.

To top it off he has returned to his “I’m going to get what I want to get. If I vibe with the dog then that’s what I’m getting.”


Ugh.

The perfect dog

We agreed no puppies and we would only get an adult dog that didn’t need to be kenneled. I agreed that I would take it potty on my lunchbreak.

So this is the very specific search parameters For the right dog for us...


So this cat person is in love with a dog person... so we are looking for a dog.

Looking for a dog that:
-between 30-70lbs
- calm temperament (preferably not one who climbs on/thinks it’s a lapdog - but that can be tolerated)
- NOT a jumper.
- good with cats
- good with kids
- minimum a year old. No puppies. (We CANNOT risk chewed up furniture and we cannot leave a puppy alone for 10 hours 4 days a week - wouldn’t be fair to the puppy)
- not a barker/is quiet
-preferably house and crate trained.
- (Knowing basic commands is also Highly preferred)
- independent/can entertain itself

Not picky about breed or gender at first.


At first.

I am more or less almost revolted at the idea of living with a dog. I love other people’s dogs, I don’t hate dogs, but I 100% did not want to live with a dog.

But then I found the perfect dog.

Her name is Rayna. A beautiful, gentle and quiet, German shepherd.
She hit EVERY SINGLE CRITERIA and then some.

I am actually very partial to German shepherds. I fell in love with her immediately...
That was yesterday. I showed Viking boy and he agreed she was perfect and he immediately emailed the shelter (the only way to contact them).

I could already see her in our apartment. I could imagine watching tv with her sleeping in her crate in the corner. I could see coming home to her. (Calmly walking up to the door). For the first time I actually *wanted* a dog.

Then this morning we found out that she has a pending adoption. They only accept adoptions one week a month, meaning she had multiple applications from last month and there were at least one pending.

Someone got to her before we could and there is more than likely multiple people ahead of us.
But... after crying all day... it’s settled.

We will wait until we can find Another shepherd that meets most (if not all) of our criteria.
Because now I can’t imagine getting a different kind of dog.

puppy

so.... I have put my own distaste to the side and agreed that Viking Boy can get a dog. 

read that again: DOG. 

A Mature, not-a-puppy, dog hopefully already crate trained and house trained and good with cats. You know... like the three legged pitt named thumbelina we found. 

but no. 

Now he wants to get a puppy. A will-chew-everything-and-make-us-have-to-buy-all-the-furniture puppy. A cry-all-night-so-you-get-no-sleep puppy. A puppy you have to train, with lots of accidents and frustration. A puppy that will probably go after the cats (I'm really going to have to get a better baby gate.... either to keep it out of my room or keep it in his). A super energetic ball of teeth thats not going to understand being left alone for 12 hours inside of a crate. A puppy thats going to need to be taken out more often than a dog because its bladder is smaller. With all the accidents. 

i did not sign up for a fucking puppy. 

This is going to test all of my goddamned patients. 

Yeah. The baby gate will go on his goddamn door. The puppy can go out of his room when hes out of his room. It will stay in his room when hes in his room. All the accidents and destruction will be contained in his room. 

This is his puppy. His responsibility. The cat litter will be removed from his room because I guarantee that the cats won't be going in there now, plus he'll need a place for the puppy pads. 

I'm gonna have to get real use to never sleeping with him for a while. 

A fucking puppy. 

And even if he does opt for a grown dog.
Is it going to be locked in a crate the entire time we are at work and sleeping? Thats literally only like 5 hours outside of the crate... (5pm to 10pm). Plus How is dalton doing to be able to walk it on his lunch break when he only has 30 minutes and works 20 minutes away?

This dog is going to be miserable. 

*** Full Disclosure: i don't dislike dogs and puppies. I dislike LIVING with dogs and puppies. I like OTHER PEOPLE'S canines. 

Cold War ended

I forgot to post that the cold war ended.

We talked - FINALLY - and now we have a new understanding and are in a MUCH better place. I actually think we are in a place equal to, if not better, than when we first started.

Its smooth sailing with the viking for the time being. <3

sustainable living

Tiny Home Designs that would really work:

Bed on the bottom layer is preferred, but STAIRS to sleeping loft needed - not a ladder.

If we had to have sleeping lofts upstairs:

https://www.tinyhomebuilders.com/tiny-house-marketplace/30-humble-shack-tiny-house-on

has a smaller guest loft. 

https://www.tinyhomebuilders.com/tiny-house-marketplace/for-sale-luxury-tiny-house-by

https://www.tinyhomebuilders.com/tiny-house-marketplace/clayton-tiny-homes-seabeeze-model

^ has a covered porch!!! :D Has a guest twin bed too!! 

this one bedroom has some potential... we would have to get a grill to cook things outside and a portable oven. 

https://www.tinyhomebuilders.com/tiny-house-marketplace/20ft-living-unite-best-quality

If we bought a tiny home, rented some land/bought some land when we find the right place, we could set up quite a getup. Get a hot tub and a pool for playing. Set up porches and gardens and a storage/small shed to keep things like a grill and fire pit in. Live simply and cheaply. 

Alternativley we could get a big camper about the same size as the tiny house and do the same thing. 

Or an Actual RV. 

Ive been looking at floor plans and such, and these are actually really doable. 

I wanna go home

Bruh I can't even eat my breakfast. This oatmeal, which has actual apples and dried cranberries with raisins and tastes fantastic, has been sitting beside me cold for 2 hours. I know i'm hungry but i just can't eat.

Barley even drink my iced coffee, sure as hell not drinking water. 

I want to cry but I'm a dehydrated noodle and I know that this needed to be brought up so my sense of justification won't let me actually let it out. 

I just want to go home and curl up in a ball till he comes home. 

I just want us to talk and to officially put the disagreement behind us. 

I just want to hear him say he loves me. 

cold war (original poem - not the best)

It seems to strange

to go from the fire of raised voices

and replace it with the ice 

of a silent cold war. 

If emotions were words theres plenty to say

but I feel like i'm making the wrong choices

and my heart has to pay for the vice

of pride, the cost being yours. 

Some hills are worth dying on,

this one is not. You said you understood,

so then why still are words gone

from our lips? Silence does us no good.

I wave the white flag, a note i lay upon

my last bit of hope. What is it that i could

do to make amends therapon 

and be at peace the way we should. 

You have my heart and it misses you.

I didn't think silence could hurt so much. 

Let this war come to an end and be through

so that we can be comforted by each others touch. 

I wonder if you feel this pain too,

although I doubt it, as company is not such

an important aspect to you - even when blue.

This is really crushing me. 

cold war

I honestly don't know what to do.

I think I clung so hard and long and tightly to my relationship with the ginger i'm scared to put myself back into that situation... so the first sign of trouble comes with VB i'm ready to run. 

and thats no way to be in a relationship. 

i have waved the white flag. I have asked for us to break this god awful silence. We will see what he does. 

I honestly think I preferred the yelling and anger (the fights with the ginger) to this silent cold war. This is worse. The first day I needed space. The second he did. But I thought we got to the same page yesterday (through text) but he didn't say a word to me in person when I came home. Three days of silence and i'm ready to just collapse in despair. 

If we hit a week, a full 7 days without speaking then obviously this relationship isn't meant to be. We are halfway there. My heart hurts. 

ups and downs (original poem)

Life is like a theme park, 

each person a different ride. 

you take a shot in the dark, 

and start walking side by side. 

There will always be

constant ups and downs,

either like a roller coaster

or a merry-go-round. 

Some loves will be quite  gentle,

other constant jerks,

while some relationships seem easy

all will take hard work. 

Love will teach you balance,

we all have a lot to learn.

Too much water and you'll float away

too much fire will burn. 

Together with the right person

you'll go through good and strife,

but when you're with the right person, 

you'll love the ride called life. 

Readings for the night

I think tonight I will draw a mermaid card for all of the relationships in my life since everything is changing again.

Racheal seems to want to make amends and re - get to know each other. 

I'm reforming/reignighting friendships with Bree, Jimi, and Chander.

Possible new friend in Hailey. 

Then there is the usual Amy, Aaron, Brooks, Cecil, Dalton, and Emily. 

I feel confident in where I stand with Sam, Lauren, and Nick. no need to pull there. 

For each:

Where do we stand now, what can be done to improve the relationship, where do you recommend this go moving forward? - 3 card spread

time guardian

Okay so the time guardian card is sending things from my past back to me to redo and correct. While the unit i am moving to is NOT corrie's old unit , I had to face the very real possibility that I was going to end up there. She was in building 430, I will be in 420.  But for a day I had to wrestle with my emotions and figure out how i felt about everything... and in the end? I was okay with it. 

Corrie also somehow got unblocked on my instagram the other day and commented on my photo. Instead of going off on her like i did in my dream, I just calmly blocked her again and felt nothing. She has no power over me anymore. 

then an old cyber "friend" reached out to me today with his usual manipulative and aggressive speech, so i told him off and deleted him. 

I'm ready for whatever else the guardian has to bring back to me. I am in a better place, better mindset, and I'm ready. 

Relocation

The apartment complex is relocating us because our building is being renovated. 

This has the potential to be great.... 

- could get a bottom floor, 

-could end up with a SUPER cool roommate 

Or this has the potential to go very badly. 

Either way.... 

having a roommate means less room in the kitchen for our food and such. If they are not a communal food person we may have to get a mini fridge. 

We absolutely will have to get a mini freezer to at least put our ground meat. 

https://www.amazon.com/Kismile-Reversible-Removable-Adjustable-Thermostat/dp/B08439LN5Y/ref=sr_1_25_sspa?dchild=1&keywords=Freezer&qid=1591797836&s=home-garden&sr=1-25-spons&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzS0hTUExMSzZCNDY1JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMzA5MTg4MjNMOEsxWTJSSEU4TSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNTE3ODkwOEFQR00wTjc5QkFUJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYnRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ&th=1

Might have to get some shelving and use it as a makeshift pantry. 

and thats IF we get a roommate. I have been emailing an office assistant and it looks like as of now we are not scheduled to have one. 

however. 

The time guardian oracle card is about to hit me full in the face....

there is a chance that the unit we are being moved to is the one Corrie lived in. I'm going to go investigate tonight when I get off of work. 

I remember the location of the building and I remember the location of her door and her room. 

The building number sounded familiar... we shall see. 

Books

Okay so I have been craving jounral/ writing meditation/work books. Ever since I gave up going to church, the only part of that I have missed (other than community) was the reflective journaling.

well.

Lucy Cavandish has some. I am super excited. She also has 2 other books I really want to check out.


Books to buy from Lucy Cavandish

https://www.lucycavendish.com.au/index.php/the-magick-shop#!/Faery-Magic/p/2736819/category=0

- "The book takes a gentle approach, encouraging the reader to seek out what works best for them, whilst providing a basic knowledge."

-"As with the rest of the book the authors manage to avoid being preachy and instead encourage you to think for yourself and find a way that best suits you."

https://www.lucycavendish.com.au/index.php/the-magick-shop#!/The-Seven-Gifts-Of-Faery/p/2736799/category=0

https://www.lucycavendish.com.au/index.php/the-magick-shop#!/Faery-A-Journal-of-Enchantment/p/88001430/category=0

https://www.lucycavendish.com.au/index.php/the-magick-shop#!/The-Mermaids-Mirror-A-Journal-for-Reflection-Deep-Healing-and-Emotional-Freedom/p/88001432/category=0

Incubation

Okay so I spoke with my host, all 7 including SG. Pretty much I am headed into a time of stillness, not stasis, but inner workings. I'm entering a time of chrysalis, of incubation. I need to throw off the rigid thinking and teachings of "the right way" and the "traditional way" and embrace magic and working with the fae the same way I did when I first started out. All intent and sincere based, with less worry about "rules" and more concern about the energy and drive.

I've lately gotten caught up in trying to make sure my spells and such are all done at the right time, rather than just doing them. I'm trying to make sure they are formal and have all the right ingredients and such when I should be more worried about the fuel, rather than the ingredients. 

It's time for me to embrace and reteach myself the simple magic that I used to do... because it was a hell of a lot better than what I'm doing now. I used to be so good at spellcraft and coming up with spells, but i'm not usually the best at actually going through them... because my spell craft isn't physical (other than basic candle spells). 

Looking back.... My original spells that I would do were bardic. They were well thought out and charged poems that would move and weave my intent into a spell. The most powerful spells i have ever done... were in my head, crafted and molded with the energy building and then released... through song. Music brings me awen, I can feel the magic there and I really feel like moving forward I need to practice with that rather than trying to be a "proper" witch. 

I need to start dancing more, to find a place for my ecstatic dance and movement. (somewhere private where i don't have to worry about downstairs neighbors). I need to start saying good night to my host again, every night. I need to start writing poetry again and read it to them. I need to start using poetry to manifest what it is I want and what I want to remove. 

I'm a Bard and my words have power. 

Spells don't have to have a physical component (although writing them down is a must for me, at least for the time). 

I need this time to shed the skin of what i thought i HAD to do to be a proper witch and pagan and develop what has been inside me from the very beginning that i was in touch with before I started more formal "learning". 

I will know when this time of regrowth is over and when to use the magic outward, a sign will come to me. For now my magic will be focused on myself. I need to pay attention to every little facet and detail. Remove ANYTHING that doesn't build me up or tears me down at all. Invest in things that make me happy. Filter my thoughts and intentions. Start weaving a new and improved self. Less illusion and imitation and more pure unpolluted manifestation of spirit. 

Time is not linear. It is not a steady march forward, it is a cycle and a never ending circle. The past and present and future are all  aligned and lately have been introducing me to the things of my past to re-address them and do things differently. It has brought me back to my beginning only now I am confident and have a better understanding of my magic. I know what gifts I have dormant within me. 

I have my present will and knowledge, going back to the past's methods, to manifest a more powerful and sure self to come out from this time of incubation. I look forward to the butterfly who will emerge from the chrysalis. 

Full Moon in Sag

Tonight's full moon is in sagittarius.

I am foregoing joining Viking Boy and his family tonight and after work will be getting into witchy mode.

This full moon...

- going to push you to expand your knowledge base and what you need to do to be the best version of yourself possible -- self improvement 

-spark really in depth and intense talks in relationships (check, especially over the past few days and last night with VB)

-restless energy (double check)

- Good time to wipe the slate clean... cut any chords needed.

-The vibe is impulsive and tense, and the solution is creativity, patience, and empathy.

https://www.allure.com/story/full-moon-lunar-eclipse-sagittarius

^ good article. 

- Candle spell for the removal of toxicity. (Dead to me by Mealnie Martinez)

- Draw sigil and transfer to a white candle for protection and healing of protestors

- Body cleansing: bergamot, clove, lemon, rosemary, and saffron - take an herbal bath. Facemask. Oil up. (Listen to Hozier playlist)_ 

- Readings:

     - General and ask faerie blessings what lesson or blessing she should pay attention to

           ^ Amy, Cecil, Emily, Aaron?

     - Ask about self improvement with dracon fae, fae forest, and finally with the big spread faerie oracle. 

- Host Roll Call once the faerie portal has been opened - new offering to be placed on altar. 

- MIGHT do a mermaid reading tonight? I know its meant to be on new moons but i'll just read it as beginning. 

“Retreat”

Not only does Mab support my decision not to go on the “spiritual retreat”, but she actively does not want me to go. So that is my two spiritual/religious goddesses supporting me and on the same page.

I feel validated by my goddesses, which is a nice feeling.

Mab/Maeve Dream Messages

Okay so I've had a nagging thought in the back of my mind that theres a bunch of readings i have been putting off and last night Mab/Maeve called me out on it. She also said that I don't need to delve into my native heritage, i have my home in the celtic world. What I already have is enough.

so time to catch up.

1. Host Roll Call - use faerie oracle cards for the host to identify themselves - 1 card each. greet and record any new members. 
2. While I have the fae oracle out - What do I need to be on the look out for/What do I need to be aware of moving forward?
3. General reading Amy
4. General Reading Cecil
5. Do another Brigid cross with the same question for the fae, since her last reading has already come to pass. 
6. I need to do an animal medicine reading on myself. 
7. Need to pull crone stones see if Maeve/Mab has anything else to say about the direction I am going. - Pull from her Tarot Deck as well?
8. I guess i can use her Tarot to answer how she is feeling about me not going on the retreat? Its supposedly a big spell, so maybe she would care that i'm not going? Brigid is fine with it and I even think Brigid orchestrated my non-involvement last time. I don't think Mab will have an issue with it, but since it was mentioned in the dream in passing, I might as well ask her cards (she said the dream wasn't about that through pendulum tho). 

----------------------------

If the "retreat" magic spell trip is involved its her telling me to get over my anxiety at not going. 

I made the choice, I stick by the choice, the goddess I was supposed to work with supports the choice, so why the hell am I anxious? Because I want to please others too much and I need to depend on my backbone and not try to make others happy at the cost of my own mental health. 

^Don't know where that came from... Maybe I should pick automated writing again... 

Black Lives Matter

Okay so...

I am so torn up with everything that's going on. 

While I myself don't *personally* believe in riots and mass destruction I understand that this is what's needed. 

Peaceful protests are too easy to ignore and write off.  A mild annoyance to those in charge. The bigger the protests the more attention they bring. The riots... bring the message home. And honestly... it's not really the protesters who make it violent. If the cops didn't start the aggression then the anger wouldn't explode and the rioting wouldn't be as bad. 

But this isn't going away. Every death added to the list adds to the anger at the injustice. Before the anger would rise and be placated over time...  but i don't think thats the case this time. This has been a long time coming and I truly think this is the second wave of the civil rights movement. And sadly real change only comes after shows of violence.... hitting where its impossible to ignore. 

It really does make me think of the tower tarot card. Shit is about to get ROUGH for everyone. The system (tower) has to come down so it can be rebuilt. 

-All the cops presently working should be vetted and gone over with a fine tooth comb. Racists should be fired. Any with a history of excessive force should be suspended, investigated, and fired. -When a trial involving a black person goes to court, there should be more black people present in the jury - they deserve to be tried in front of a jury of their peers. 

-Any judge affiliated with the KKK or white supremacy in any way should be stripped of power. (on that note anyone who is a known Klansman should be arrested for domestic terrorism)  

- The last should be applied to ALL industry leaders including health and political. 

The system is shoddy, skewed, and unfair. Police as a whole need to be retrained and the process to become a police officer needs to be a hell of a lot harder and with psych evaluations and social media checks. It's too easy to be a cop and cops have too much power.  A citizen who witnesses police brutality should be able to intervene without fear of punishment. I know that not all cops are bad. But any cop who witnesses another use excessive force or abuse their power and does nothing is just as bad as the perpetrator. Unfortunately, while i KNOW good cops are out there.... they are outnumbered. 

This all needs to change and peace is not the way to do it. It all needs to come down and be rebuilt. Its not comfortable. People are getting hurt on all fronts, by both protestors, posers, and police. Chain stores should be the only targets but unfortunately local businesses are being hit too. Some may never recover. But Material things are not worth more than the lives that have been lost and the lives that will continue to be lost. 

This is really only the beginning... more innocent people will be hunted and targeted. Arrests will only grow more violent as anger mounts on all sides. Something has got to give eventually. I think this will be a problem for a while.... but I think as time goes on and as more and more "bad apples" come to light eventually the wicked will be weeded out. The riots complicate things because they can get out of hand so easily... but they also wouldn't be started if it wasn't for aggressive and unnecessary police force and white supremacists. Sooner or later it will be learned that this isn't ending until everyone is tired of fighting and ready to listen and work together to fix the problem.

people aren't wrong when they say that we should all be coming together and moving forward.... but until the other side has grown exhausted of the fight, they won't be willing. We have to go through the growing pains and chaos before we can finally reach the peaceful conclusion... although I do think that is where this will end. It could be months. I fearfully think it could be years. But something's gotta give... the tower will come down... and then TOGETHER we can build a new one. 

Omen

I came to work today and there in the middle of the sidewalk was a dead crow. I instantly thought of it as an omen... only here's the rub. There are several meanings to it. 

1) You have lost the ability to see/speak the truth/your truth. 

2) The end of bad things and the beginning of all things new and good.

3) It represents metaphysical death and change/ the release of something. 

4) Lost ability in the craft. 

I'm not sure if its a personal omen or a societal omen. 

will do reading when I get home. See what Maeve and Brigid have to say.