Dream Interpretation from last night and the night before:

The night before last I dreamed that they fae told me that I wasn't beautiful and that I never would be. I remember being confused in the dream and waking up thinking how totally ridiculous. And I guess thats their way of saying that if I can shake off them telling me i'm not beautiful, then why can't I shake off my own intrusive thoughts and doubts about my beauty?

Last night was an interesting one. 

I actually dreamed about brooks and amy. In the dream the mermaids guided me through a waterway to my apartment complex.  Only for some reason I had to go down this huge staircase to get to the road. The stairs were covered in sand and seashells, almost like they had risen out of the ocean. Well along the way I was finding things that I had lost over the years. Some trinkets but more importantly I came across my self confidence, a sense of beauty, and an older version of myself, that I put on almost like a second skin. Well that older version of myself was the self that looked up, trusted, and admired Brooks. It filled me with affection and warmth and not even a few minutes after I put it on I ran into him and Amy, also on the steps but they were collecting sea shells. 

We spoke and chatted for a few minutes as we temporarily walked in the same direction and this time there was no condiscention in Brook's voice. his voice remained light and happy, and likewise his eyes were warm and soft brown rather than the hard orbs they usually were whenever I would see him. I was once again seeing him through the naive and hopeful eyes of 18 year old me - before things went sour. It was refreshing and we all actually enjoyed the shared time. We (Brooks and I) even spoke of setting a time to sit down together and try to figure out really where our disconnect is presently, if the past is actually let go of.  When I turned to continue down on my way home, they disappeared when I looked back for them. When I made it to the bottom and began to walk the street to my apartment there was a honk behind me. 

Brooks, with Amy in the passenger seat, drove up in a big black truck and passed me. Confused, I waved and jogged behind him. He stopped and waited for me to catch up and make it to the window, which had rolled down. I asked why he was leaving if we were going to talk and try to really reconnect and he laughed in my face and just said "No." he rolled the window up and drove off. I was left feeling a little disappointed but honestly could only shrug and said "Fair."

I unzipped the skin I was wearing and stepped out, letting it fall to the ground, but the coldness that once would hit me when I thought of brooks no longer came.There was by no means the deep admiration and trust that the suit had brought, but there was a warm regard rather than cold indifference. 

I continued to walk to my apartment and along the way I met a young wounded soldier who honestly reminded me of Patrocles (Trojan War, Achilles's lover). I sat on the stairs to my apartment and talked with him for a while and then continued up the stairs and went to my apartment. - and woke up. 

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The mermaids were obviously leading me deeper into my subconscious. The stairs represent going deeper and deeper into my subconscious trying to get "home". And while I was working my way through it I found things that I had discarded and lost such as truly seeing my own beauty, belief in myself, and my childish little sister love of Brooks. Obviously reconnecting with him is out of the window, but I was left with a warmer regard and acceptance of the relationship leaving. I don't remember what I spoke with Patrocles with but I think it had to do with self sacrifice for the love of others - I just can't remember if he was PRO self sacrifice or having done it was warning me not to. Either way as I was leaving the subconscious I was able to bring with me into my waking word a sense of peace.