happy holidays

 Christmas was hard. 

I realized just how alone I was for the holidays and I was filled with an intense sense of homesickness and missing my mom. I did see Amy and Aaron for a brief walk, and Viking Man came over to watch a movie and have dinner... but for 90% of the day I was alone and crying. Triggered a depressive episode that I am still dealing with. 

I don't think New Years is going to bother me as much. 

Valentine's day is in the air because I'll either see about finding some single's parties, go out with Cara, or go stay with Dalton that weekend because he is renting out a cabin for his birthday. 

There really aren't any big holidays that we made a big deal about at home other than halloween,  thanksgiving, and christmas. So hopefully I won't have a hard time for a while. 

I did get to spend the solstice with a friend; had drinks, dinner, and watched my favorite movie. Nothing special or festive, but at least I wasn't alone. 

I hope anyone reading this enjoyed their holidays more than me. 

depressive epsiode

This depressive episode is destroying me.

Already, I had been really tired, almost permanently so; and now there's a depressed tiredness on top of that. 

I both want company and don't want to be around people... which is weird considering how much I wanted to be around people all last week up to when the episode started on christmas. 

Being so depressed on the 25, going on the putt putt date despite not really feeling up for it, trying to placate Xander, and then D&D when I really didn't have the energy for it... then I played a 1 on 1 campaign and pulled an all nighter. 

I am so utterly exhausted... and I just have no patience for people. All I want to do is curl up and sleep, or curl up and just exist with my certain few folks who do not count as "people". And there are others who want my time and energy but I just don't have it in me to give it. 

James wants to come down here for a visit. His visits are always a little awkward and I just don't have the spoons to deal with it. Viking Man's kids are coming to town and want to see me even though we're broken up - I am excited for that!!!!! but its also going to be a huge drain on me. The guy I played putt putt with is blowing up my phone and I barley have the energy to open it and reply, much less have a full conversation with him or hang out with him again (something I am on the fence about anyway). 

I'm just so tired bruh. 

comfort

Okay 1.5 hours to go and The world has mostly stabilized but my energy is at 5%.  

 I really want to get some pho.... I feel like magic healing vietnamese soup is what I am craving... and I know if I order it to go, they will separate the noodles from the broth so I can eat it in smaller portions. 

I should be able to get 2/3 meals out of the $14 dollars spent. Question is... do I want to drive over there or do I spend the $5 to have it delivered? 

 Warm noodle soup. Anime. Maybe The Mummy.. Weighted Blanket. Cats. Hot/cold tea. 

That is all I want and can think of. Comfort and Rest.  

 Although I need to get the stuff for the stew I'm gonna make friday. I'll be feeding me, Viking man, maybe Cara, and Maybe VM's sister. 

I've got all that I need to make the hot cocoa, and I've got coffee as a base for cara's since she can't do milk.  

 Maybe I'll do a face mask to help my acne tonight too.  

alive

I'm alive. 

I am so off. 

I woke up this morning dizzy and so sick to my stomach that I thought I would vomit if I sat up. 

Came into work 2 hours late. Now all I want to do is go back  home and crawl in bed. 

When I walk it feels like my bones are hollow and held together with string, like a puppet. 

If I don't have something specific to focus on, I get the spins. It's like there is a whirly-gig filter put on the world. 

I've got a mild headache brewing. 

I just want some hot soup and to curl up and sleep. 

only 5 more hours to go. 

Out West

Okay, so I know I want to leave NC in 2022. 

I was thinking Tacoma, WA but I am concerned about the weather and my dependence on sunlight. I mean, the worst case scenario is I move out there and hate it, sell everything, and come back to NC to regroup. It's not like I am going to be buying a house. 

So. Its time to redo my state comparison, Look into average temperatures, and do a better research job to consider where I might move. 

I found a more reliable website for cost of living and living wage calculations.... and i am quite surprised. I could actually afford to move to almost any state... based off the living wage needed for a single working adult with no children. like... even california is do-able as long as it's just me. 

https://livingwage.mit.edu/

I then have the low/average salary for 3 different possible jobs I may have. 

I have whether it's a red or blue state. 

I have average temperatures for summer and winter. 

using that I whittled a few states out. 

then I took this quiz:

http://www.selectsmart.com/states/#mystate

and compared it to the state sleft after I gathered my data.

Washington (97%) - Tacoma Area 
Oregon (95%)
California (91%) --->  Sacramento Area (Woodland, Davis, Fairfield, Vacaville, Yuba City)

-------------------------

For Comparison: gvill: rent: 799, B+ niche, liberal, 91-93,000 - lots of parks

(Apex = 53,000 Jacksonville = 70,000 Gville = 93,000)

Yuba - rent:987, moderate , A+ niche , Jacksonville Size - lots of parks

Woodland - rent:1139 , liberal, B- niche , Apex size - lots of parks ****

Davis - rent: 1455, Liberal,  A+ niche, Jacksonville Size - lots of coffee shops and parks***

Fairfield - rent:1510, Liberal, B- niche, little bigger than Greenville - lots of parks

Vacaville - rent:1557, liberal, B niche, about the size of greenville -  lots of parks

Bruh. I didn't think it would be... but California is actually super doable.... I chose Washington because I didn't think I could do California. 

Washington and California are even for me... one will have dreaded low temperature and the other will have dreaded high temperatures. Both will have rain, although California will have more sun....

I would rather sweat than shiver plus I can go swimming in nearby rivers, lakes, and creeks. Or pay the tolls and drive the 2 hours to the coast. 

I might move to California. 

---------------------------

Virginia (87%)
South Carolina (82%)
Texas (80%)
Florida (72%)

Vertigo

Vertigo

Okay so I decided that I would blog more often... I figured I should wait until I have more answers, but why not... here goes:

I learned something yesterday.

So.... I get vertigo. like often.... i'm talking 3 times a week minimum. 

Usually it's mild and lasts less than an hour, so I don't really think anything of it. 

If it lasts less than 30 minutes I oftentimes won't even remember it happened, I've become so used to it. 

well. apparently.... that's not normal?

Over the past week at least, my vertigo has been flaring up. Like... on a scale of 1-10 with the strength of the dizziness It usually stays 1-3 most days, sometimes a 4. Last week I had 4's, a 5, and sunday night I was at a 7 which kept me in bed.  Anything over a 5 is very rare. At 8 I shouldn't drive, I need help walking just because I'm so dizzy. 

The highest I have ever been is like an 8.

so. 

Vertigo.

80% of causes have to do with the inner ear or fluid buildup in the ear. Inner ear issues present in physical balance issues, eye movement, pressure or fullness in the ears, and possible hearing issues. I have none of these. 

There is no fluid buildup in my ears - which is what happened the last time I went to the doctor about my vertigo. 

My ears are fine. 

Which means if my blood work for lyme disease, and rocky mountain fever come back negative.... which they will... I will need to get a brain scan. While 80% of vertigo issues involve the ears... the other 20% involve something neurological. However! Like with my heart palpitations, sometimes it happens and no cause can be found.

Chances are this is more likely. Wouldn't be the first time I had a fluke health issue and it probably won't be the last. 

but. I am glad I went to the doctor. Right before the levl 7 episode hit one of my host of friends sent an oracle card warning about focusing on health.. and then about 10 minutes after the reading the vertigo started. An episode started yesterday around 8:45am and didn't fully end until I went to sleep. It has resumed this morning. 

While this has been the longest episode I've had, it is MILD. while it does make me feel motion sick. experience a tilting sensation, and adding an uncomfortable pressure to my head - I can easily function through it. 

I can function through 90% of my vertigo episodes... which is why I didn't think anything of them.

and now i'm not sure what to do. 

There's no point in worrying until I have a specific reason to worry. But I'm ready for this episode to end because I'm tired of being uncomfortable. It lasted ALL of yesterday... Hot drinks provide comfort for a short while but the only thing that helped it for more than a minute was when I smoked the CBD plant. 

Thankfully Anna got me plenty of it for a housewarming present. I'll smoke some when I get off work, since it's at Viking Man's place. 

lonely.

okay..... I wasn't really feeling like getting high and watching cartoons with Ash (the girl I went on the date with), so I canceled. Viking man was supposed to come by with the puppy but I think he's gonna bail on me. Oh well. I mean kinda disappointed, but I did see him saturday and briefly sunday morning. I'll probably see him friday? Maybe? Idk. He said he would let me know whenever he went to the bar but he went out with the puppy yesterday and didn't say anything. 

*long sigh* i'm not going to be left in limbo wondering if he's gonna show or not. might as well ask him if he actually still wants to come over. 

I mean I'll ask him after I clean and shower.. probably while I cook. That way I will know to either plate it or pack it. He seemed unsure if he would be over for dinner or what time he wanted to come over. But I also know if I wait too late he'll be comfy and not come over either. Though, I suppose I could always go over there if thats the case. 

I just miss his company, ya know?

Update - December~

 I have moved!

I haven't really spent a whole day by myself yet, but that's okay. I like being able to be closer to friends which means I can see them more. 

I'm still figuring out the temperature for my apartment, the base board heating settings seem to jump from barely putting out heat to SAUNA, so it's been interesting. 

My neighbor is a really quiet older asian lady. 

Oh and I turned 25. 

At the moment, life seems to be quieting down which I am FINE with. 

Viking man got his puppy and she is delightful. He and I seem to be doing good. 

Oh - I cut Chandler out of my life because she's a sexual predator. I don't know if i ever even blogged about her over the past 4 months she stayed with me. Also lesson learned: people can and will abuse my hospitality. I need to learn a balance as to how much to give before I am being taken advantage of. 

But i'm not dead. I know I need to start blogging more regularly again.