Family

 Family

Last night I dreamed about Family. 

I dreamed that I went out to Christies with Dalton, and when I looked out on the patio I saw my families sitting at tables next to each other.  My drag Family was at one table but I noticed that Jimmie was sitting at the corner and I felt uncomfortable. A little sad that I couldn't go sit with them. 

at the other table, for some reason everyone was in town; Momma, Otis, Racheal were sitting together. I was super excited and about to grab the door to come out when cara arrived and I stopped. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and knew that if I went out there and sat with them that she and I would end up fighting. She had also taken up the last free chair at the table. 

Sad and deflated I took a seat at the bar and watched my families laugh and joke from afar. Dalton sat beside me, telling me to go out there anyway and not to let anyone stop me, but I didn't want to cause fights. If I wasn't going to fight for my place in the family, then I needed to start one of my own.

I woke up reflecting on this. 

Now I'm not saying it means starting a family in the sense of having children. I know I'm not ready for that. And I have started a family... or rather joined one through the drag troupe. I don't know... I guess I'm feeling alienated from both families. I feel a bit alienated with the drag family since i'm the only burlesque dancer and not a  drag performer. I worry that they don't see me as one of them, despite the assurances they give. My drag auntie did reach out to me and say congratulations for being a booked performer now, so that was nice though. I love Twixie <3

I really want to talk to my mom but she's been super busy.. and part of me wonders if she is mad at me for finally cutting off cara. Which would be a bit hypocritical but understandable from a mother's perspective. That could just be paranoia though... I don't know how Cara may have twisted things. She's very good at playing the victim. Maybe it's just the distance... with momma and Racheal being so far away. I don't know. I miss my family. 

With Aaron and Cecilia gone and Amy back in school and about to start her own family... I feel like she is about to get pregnant soon... My original witchy family has sort of fallen/drifted apart. 

I don't really know what to do. 

change

 Okay so...

I went on 3 dates with Princess and even casually I don't think we are compatible enough to keep seeing each other on a romantic basis. She's cute and sweet but there just isn't enough in common. SoI need to figure out how to communicate that. 

Jo (another person I've been on a date/hangout with a few times, has a lot more incommon with me. I don't feel any kind of spark but i do feel really comfortable with her, so I might see her once a week depending....

on my new job! 

That's right folks. I'm starting a new job. 

A few weeks ago I was put on notice for mistakes I had been making (and being blamed for) and for being off task - which is ironic because for the most part I rarely have a task to be on. Well I panicked. I applied to and inquired about over 30 jobs and they have started reaching back out to me. 

I was given an offer in a sales call center; with base pay + commission I will be making 15+ an hour overall, after 60 days I qualify for benefits including health insurance and PTO. I will have a varied schedule of any day of the week ranging from 8am-12am (with 2 15min breaks AND an hour lunch), which is nice, their dress code doesn't seem to prohibit colored hair and is a casual dress code (any leisure/lounge wear must have a tunic length shirt to cover the rump)  AND... the kicker... after a few weeks they want me to apply to be a supervisor. which means a higher base pay on top of commissions. 

The company culture there is AMAZING. people seem GENUINELY happy there, everyone had a smile on their face, and they are especially inclusive and welcoming to the queer community. 

I feel super guilty about leaving my coworkers... I'll really miss some of them. But I'm also super excited about this change.