Family

 Family

Last night I dreamed about Family. 

I dreamed that I went out to Christies with Dalton, and when I looked out on the patio I saw my families sitting at tables next to each other.  My drag Family was at one table but I noticed that Jimmie was sitting at the corner and I felt uncomfortable. A little sad that I couldn't go sit with them. 

at the other table, for some reason everyone was in town; Momma, Otis, Racheal were sitting together. I was super excited and about to grab the door to come out when cara arrived and I stopped. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and knew that if I went out there and sat with them that she and I would end up fighting. She had also taken up the last free chair at the table. 

Sad and deflated I took a seat at the bar and watched my families laugh and joke from afar. Dalton sat beside me, telling me to go out there anyway and not to let anyone stop me, but I didn't want to cause fights. If I wasn't going to fight for my place in the family, then I needed to start one of my own.

I woke up reflecting on this. 

Now I'm not saying it means starting a family in the sense of having children. I know I'm not ready for that. And I have started a family... or rather joined one through the drag troupe. I don't know... I guess I'm feeling alienated from both families. I feel a bit alienated with the drag family since i'm the only burlesque dancer and not a  drag performer. I worry that they don't see me as one of them, despite the assurances they give. My drag auntie did reach out to me and say congratulations for being a booked performer now, so that was nice though. I love Twixie <3

I really want to talk to my mom but she's been super busy.. and part of me wonders if she is mad at me for finally cutting off cara. Which would be a bit hypocritical but understandable from a mother's perspective. That could just be paranoia though... I don't know how Cara may have twisted things. She's very good at playing the victim. Maybe it's just the distance... with momma and Racheal being so far away. I don't know. I miss my family. 

With Aaron and Cecilia gone and Amy back in school and about to start her own family... I feel like she is about to get pregnant soon... My original witchy family has sort of fallen/drifted apart. 

I don't really know what to do.