Priest notes

 Priest

- Joined the military (Marines) because he needed to feel a sense of purpose, and protecting others sort of fulfilled this, it gave him a way to work with his hands, allow for travel, and live a structured life. 

- Thinks the military is a good opportunity but that it has no place in high schools, it prays on the poor, downtrodden, and naive. 

- socially liberal

- Believed that certain guns have no reason to be available for civilians 

- "A man of faith... that faith just expanded" --> I want to know more about this and what all he believes, practices, what does he wish to practice? What all has he experienced?

- Has overcome addiction

- Monogamous, but open to swinging. 

- adrenaline is a yes. 

and lets see how he reacts to the pen pal thing?

because if this man was local I would absolutely be open to actually exclusively dating him. HOWEVER I am not actually ready for that. Luckily he is SUPER busy learning how to be a mid-flight plane mechanic for the marines and has like no time to communicate regularly. So I will see if he is open to the pen pal idea and get to know him that way. 

That way I don't talk to him regularly enough to actually shift my focus from myself to him, but I can still get to know him so that if it works out where once he is done with these classes and training we do get to talk more... it will be more familiar and we can see how it goes. I actually havn't had this much interest in a person in a hot minute; like genuine interest. 

and we've only had like 3 damn conversations. 

Mania pt 2 - calmer

 Fun fact - scalding hot showers can help when I get chaotic manic. 

Today - I am still manic but in the very adhd, my thoughts are racing and I'm doing everything too fast I keep making mistakes kind of way.  I need to be careful because if I keep making mistakes, i'll stress myself out and it I get too stressed I'll either have a spike in the mania or I'll have a panic attack. 

Time is moving too slow. I am moving too quickly. I cannot fuck this up. 

Mania

 In case you’ve ever wondered what bipolar mania feels like…

For some it’s joy. Unbridled happiness. Endless energy. A sunny day even when it’s actually raining. Productiveness. Great ideas and creativity. 

That’s the positive side. 

Then there’s the negative side. 

It’s like liquid electricity is in your blood. Like if you don’t find a way to appease that chaotic energy it will make your heart stop. How it makes everything go from 10 to 100. The intense craving for stimulation. Drugs. Sex. Alcohol. Adrenaline. Attention and being in the spot light. Seeking stimulating activities no matter how much it costs.

And the very real feeling like if you don’t appease that electricity, will either kill you or drive you mad. The joy that comes with the relief when you find an outlet and the irritation, rage, and desperation when you can’t. 

Back home I had friends that could help me when the mania hit. Usually it was mild and I was fine, but the rare times it would hit like *this* I had people to help keep me in line. 

I don’t have that here.

I am * this * close to drugging myself with Benadryl and going the fuck to sleep. 

reflection on intimacy

I had a sudden realization tonight.... and I think it makes me a bad person. 

I have told people for a long time that as an asexual I want sex because I crave intimacy. 

This is true. 

However. 

I also know that I doubt people's actual love for me, and if I can't be loved then I can at least be useful.. unfortunately I feel that one of my only uses is sex. 

This is backed up in almost all of my previous relationships it seems. 

But ever since viking man... and honestly before him I think... with this complex needing to be useful I have sort of used people as they use me. 

I am used for sex... but I use sex to use those people too. 

I say I have sex out of my attachment for others when in reality i use sex to foster the other person's attachment to me. 

If someone is attached to me... they won't leave or abandon me. People care about and support those they are attached too. 

This worries me because ever since viking man/Dalton I have not been able to foster a genuine attachment. (I had a brief attachment to airforce guy but that was simply because he was the first sexual partner to actually treat me with respect. I was attached to how he treated me, not to him.)

I used to become attached to others easily. I was used. I was hurt. 

Now? I can have sex once I'm comfortable with someone, even without emotional attachment. I can do this to cause them to be attached to me, as a survival mechanism. I feel guilt when I pull away, not because I am attached to this person myself but because I allowed them to be attached to me even though I knew I would not become attached to them. 

(in terms of attachment I mean love. Platonic or romantic. )

I don't know how to genuinely attach to others anymore. I can be warm. Affectionate. Kind. Supportive. And the entire time I am also able to completely walk away and never see that person again. 

I crave intimacy. Intimacy comes from trust. It comes from attachment. 

There are three people here in WI that I have become comfortable enough that if initiated I could probably sleep with. 

I am attached to none of them. 

I have not had sex with them. I hope that I do not... simply because I know that its almost like an empty promise. 

I have become what I hate. Using people. Willing to use myself as a shield from loneliness and isolation. 

Psychologically I understand the evolutionary logic - its a survival mechanism. Psychologically I understand the emotional logic - attachment has lead to nothing but pain in the past so my heart is encased in ice, walled off where it can't be touched. 

I get the logic. But i also know that it makes me a bad person. 

I don't know how to feel. 

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This is why I want my next actual relationship to have faith and spirituality as the cornerstone - not sex. In fact ideally I would want sex to be withheld for a while; even if genuine interest is there. Because once I sleep with someone it's like a switch is flipped and then the relationship just focuses on that. 

Once the relationship changes focus, so does the emotions. I feel used. I lose my emotional attachment. 

I may have a mental attachment. A mild emotional one if I have been with that person for a while, but it is less an attachment to that person and more of an attachment to what has become familiar. 

I have reverted back to my old view of sex... it has become more of a tool for manipulation than anything. That is not how I want to view it. Being in love is how that changed last time, but being in love is how I got hurt and used. I am too weary of it to allow it to happen again. 

One must connect to my spirit before they connect to my heart. Connecting to my body is too easy, and once someone does that they lose the ability to connect to my heart and spirit. But finding someone who will connect to my spirit first and foremost seems impossible. 

For now I am left with this compulsion to be useful, my use being sex, as a way to keep people attached to me - even when I am not attached to them as a survival mechanism. I am now the user. I am now the villain. And I don't know what to do because I feel like once the moment happens I won't be able to say no. 

Panic attack

 okay so I had my first panic attack in almost a year. (sure anxiety attacks are almost a daily/every other day thing) but this was a full panic attack. 

Like I had to fight the urge to hurt myself level panic attack (like scratch, bite, hit my head.... that kind of hurt myself. let's be clear - I AM NOT SUICIDAL - my anxiety just manifests physically sometimes. My forms of self harm are not all that dangerous - I simply deny myself food, drink, sleep, etc. and its only in small episodes that I can't control. I do not injure myself. I am not a threat to myself or others )

Instead I called the telehealth people and she asked me a bunch of onboarding questions to help me calm down. It was still going on after the hour long conversation so then I asked my boss for benedryl to drug myself into calming down. She gave me some of her anxiety pills and they are starting to kick in finally.

I'm not at a functioning anxiety attack level. Enough to start working even though my work day is supposed to end in like 3 hours... so now i'm going to have to work late. 

But what brought this on? Lets make my brain think logically so I can shove the anxiety into a box and make it go away. 

• I havn't fully acknowledged and coped with the stress of the move
• I miss my community and support system from back in NC. I'm so very lonely
• Trying to cope with the loneliness by going out and meeting people in psuedo date-hanging out-casual dates is actually making shit WORSE so I really need to fucking stop... but then i realize how fucking alone i am and i start the cycle over again
• My sister had her baby and I can't be there anytime soon. 
• My niece is named after my toxic younger sister (shared middle names. could just be they liked the sound of it. could be she considers herself closer to her. idk. ) 
• Financial strain. I took a hefty pay cut when I moved and the cost of living here is a lot higher. I need to seriously consider finding a roommate and moving. 
• I'm overwhelmed at work. I am actually starting to wonder if the maintenance workload really does require two people. 
• I have basically been borderline off my fucking meds for about 2 months because i've been running out and didn't know when I would be able to get more. (thank the gods I got a prescription for enough refills to last the year from my new primary care doctor.)
• because of ^ I feel fucking crazy. My thoughts are so jumbled all I want to do is stay home and not have to think about responsibilities. I fucking understand why having bipolar can be considered a disability. It is so goddamn hard to focus. 

Let me repeat myself from earlier: I am not in any danger. I am not a threat to myself or others. I have not had a panic attack of this magnitude in over a year. I am under an incredible amount of stress all in a short amount of time coupled with the lack of proper medication. that is all. I am seeking help in whatever way I can. 

I can't afford the online therapy; I am going to get counseling via telehealth every 2 weeks until I can actually see a psychiatrist. I will then probably see them twice a month; that is the max I can afford. 

apartment Master List

 Just a massive list of apartments on the east side that are reasonably priced to consider ever

• Atwood Courtyard
• Fair Oaks Apartment
• Momona Lakes - no dw
• Metro View 
• SUNSET TERRACE
• Jupiter crossing
• The Landing On East Hill Parkway 
• Briarwood 
• The MEadows
• STONEWOOD VILLAGE!!
• Dale street apartments - mcfarland
• Yahara TErrace (1 + den) 1400
• Riverwood apartments

Near theater - west:

• VALLEY CROSSING
• rock apartments
• shadow creek
• belnar apartments
• riverbend
• the fairways - chadbourne, the middleton (The Majestic; if roomate!!!!!!)
• Towns edge (2 bed 1 bath)
• Catalpa (with roomate.... shared bath)

Other options that are very goof

• Granite Ridge Apartments - 1 bed + den
• RidgeCrest 
• Village Green
• Prentice Park!
• The Ace apartments