reflection on intimacy

I had a sudden realization tonight.... and I think it makes me a bad person. 

I have told people for a long time that as an asexual I want sex because I crave intimacy. 

This is true. 

However. 

I also know that I doubt people's actual love for me, and if I can't be loved then I can at least be useful.. unfortunately I feel that one of my only uses is sex. 

This is backed up in almost all of my previous relationships it seems. 

But ever since viking man... and honestly before him I think... with this complex needing to be useful I have sort of used people as they use me. 

I am used for sex... but I use sex to use those people too. 

I say I have sex out of my attachment for others when in reality i use sex to foster the other person's attachment to me. 

If someone is attached to me... they won't leave or abandon me. People care about and support those they are attached too. 

This worries me because ever since viking man/Dalton I have not been able to foster a genuine attachment. (I had a brief attachment to airforce guy but that was simply because he was the first sexual partner to actually treat me with respect. I was attached to how he treated me, not to him.)

I used to become attached to others easily. I was used. I was hurt. 

Now? I can have sex once I'm comfortable with someone, even without emotional attachment. I can do this to cause them to be attached to me, as a survival mechanism. I feel guilt when I pull away, not because I am attached to this person myself but because I allowed them to be attached to me even though I knew I would not become attached to them. 

(in terms of attachment I mean love. Platonic or romantic. )

I don't know how to genuinely attach to others anymore. I can be warm. Affectionate. Kind. Supportive. And the entire time I am also able to completely walk away and never see that person again. 

I crave intimacy. Intimacy comes from trust. It comes from attachment. 

There are three people here in WI that I have become comfortable enough that if initiated I could probably sleep with. 

I am attached to none of them. 

I have not had sex with them. I hope that I do not... simply because I know that its almost like an empty promise. 

I have become what I hate. Using people. Willing to use myself as a shield from loneliness and isolation. 

Psychologically I understand the evolutionary logic - its a survival mechanism. Psychologically I understand the emotional logic - attachment has lead to nothing but pain in the past so my heart is encased in ice, walled off where it can't be touched. 

I get the logic. But i also know that it makes me a bad person. 

I don't know how to feel. 

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This is why I want my next actual relationship to have faith and spirituality as the cornerstone - not sex. In fact ideally I would want sex to be withheld for a while; even if genuine interest is there. Because once I sleep with someone it's like a switch is flipped and then the relationship just focuses on that. 

Once the relationship changes focus, so does the emotions. I feel used. I lose my emotional attachment. 

I may have a mental attachment. A mild emotional one if I have been with that person for a while, but it is less an attachment to that person and more of an attachment to what has become familiar. 

I have reverted back to my old view of sex... it has become more of a tool for manipulation than anything. That is not how I want to view it. Being in love is how that changed last time, but being in love is how I got hurt and used. I am too weary of it to allow it to happen again. 

One must connect to my spirit before they connect to my heart. Connecting to my body is too easy, and once someone does that they lose the ability to connect to my heart and spirit. But finding someone who will connect to my spirit first and foremost seems impossible. 

For now I am left with this compulsion to be useful, my use being sex, as a way to keep people attached to me - even when I am not attached to them as a survival mechanism. I am now the user. I am now the villain. And I don't know what to do because I feel like once the moment happens I won't be able to say no.