ADHD

 You want proof of my ADHD?

Today has been a fucking nightmare. 

Why?

Because my fucking adhd won't let me focus on my work. It is taking me ages to get even the simplest task done, and when I try to force myself to focus I get hit with waves of anxiety that make me want to curl up in a ball. It took me an hour to be able to figure out what kind of stimulus was helping my brain because I could tell i needed something - so I put on music. 

Not my usual music, oh no. Because my usual music sounded like someone was putting my mind on a cheese grater. took me trial and error but i eventually found out i needed classical music... but not the kind that was too gentle or soft. No i needed one with multiple instruments at once with varying patterns. 

finally got that taken care of so I was able to start attempting to focus. My brain was so avoidant to do the work that I was staring at the wall. I could feel the anxiety building up again so I turned to something I knew my brain would like: research. So I did a little research on chaplaincy again. Okay that eased the screaming brain a bit. It was quieter in my head so I again have tried to do work.

I CANNOT FUCKING FOCUS. 

I have the STRONGEST urge to do my taxes, my fucking taxes, which I tried to file last month but had to refile. and now I have to refile them AGAIN because of the stupid change of state. So I have been procrastinating bad. but now? Brain says we have to do taxes RIGHT NOW instead of focusing on my work. 

I feel anxiety in my chest and unease in my limbs; like i have electricity and i just need to MOVE. This entire time, I cannot do my fucking work. 

I had 35 emails this morning. On a regular day I could knock that out in like an hour. Going on 5 hours now and I STILL HAVE 17 EMAILS. 

I'm going to bash my skull into a wall I SWEAR TO GOD