Beloved,
I am at my mom's and in my panic did not pack your notebook for letters. To be fair, I probably still would have left it even if I had packed the night before. I'll just copy this over when I get back.
My surgery is tomorrow afternoon, I will be irrevocably sterile. The closer I get the more anxious I become. At first it was anxiety that something would cause it to be pushed back again. Now... its different. I am not sure what I am anxious about, although there are a few things that would be understandable. Being cut into, being put under, the pain of recovery, the fact that what is being done is permanent. Maybe its the last one? My Sagittarius is showing.
I do not want biological children.
Pregnancy would be dangerous - for me and the child.
Honestly, I don't even want to be a step mom at this point.
You know my stance on this by now, so there's no use in going into it again. I think its just the fact that there is no going back. Which is sort of the point.
This is my initiation. This is my death and rebirth. This is my offering to the gods.
I am happy to make it.
I am happy to begin my life dedicated to the path of the teacher, the sorceress, the priestess... I reject the "maiden, mother, crone" and stand firm on another path. One that will eventually bring me to step into my power, grow as a person, thrive in life... and lead me to you along the way.
I am happy and eager... but tonight and tomorrow, I am scared.
I wish you were here to hold me. Although at this moment I think the only thing that will help now are the gabapentin that I took. I wish they were benzos.
Im so anxious I want to spiral out on a relapse.
I know this is a wheel of fortune moment. I trust the process. My body is just anxious.
See you on the other side!
Love, your faerie.
No comments:
Post a Comment