what you wear doesn't matter.

She said "spread it like wildfire". So we are and hope you do too.

I was wearing this outfit today to a grocery store when I made a baby smile. I was wearing this outfit today when I threw my head back and laughed, when I sang in the car with my family, when I filled it with yummy food to keep it healthy.

I was wearing this outfit today to a grocery store when I overheard a woman telling her young daughter who was pointing and laughing that I would get what’s coming to me. I was wearing this outfit today when a woman told a man that it was the wrong kind of attention and that I was asking for someone to get me. I was wearing this outfit today when the same man stared at my body longingly and then agreed with the woman that I was asking for an attack.

I was not wearing this outfit when I was raped. I was wearing a size XXL hoodie and a pair of my mom’s sweatpants, much to the shock of the friend I told after, who asked what she’d been taught to ask: “What were you wearing?”. I feel so terrible for the little girl whose mother was teaching her at the grocery store that she deserved to be assaulted if she dressed comfortably for the weather, which was climbing above 80 degrees, or for an injury, which called for a brace and a boot that doesn’t allow room for long pants, or for her body, because it’s hers and she can put on it what she damn well pleases. I feel terrible for the man who will look me up and down as though I was a 5 for $20 steak deal he might purchase and will immediately after speak to a presumable stranger about the violent fate I deserved. I feel terrible for the woman with fabulous hair who feels she can express herself but refuses to let me do the same.

Summer is coming up. It’s hot outside. I have an injured ankle, and a tight boot and brace to wear on one leg. I will not dress uncomfortably to protect complete strangers who are so offended by an expanse of skin that they console themselves by predicting my next rape.

Stop perpetuating slut-shaming and thus perpetuating a culture of excused rape. Stop perpetuating slut-shaming and thus perpetuating a culture of insecurity, inherent shame, and body image distortion which can cause an innumerable amount of incredibly dark issues nearly impossible to overcome.

My body is mine, and I love it. It is the house I live in, with which I will someday create a family, with which I run and dance and hold the strong lungs I use to sing. I refuse to be ashamed of it for any reason, especially the reason being that this culture which glorifies sex and punishes those who have it, which encourages being sexy and then preaches that sexy girls ask for attack, has taught its people that my stomach is a sin.

Please think twice this summer before you choose to say anything at all to or about anyone who wears something they choose to wear. Please think twice before you say that a girl deserves to be raped for wearing shorts. Please try and catch yourself when you think things like that. Please be courteous and gentle and loving, and spend your effort tackling real problems. My stomach and legs are not a real problem.

This. Spread this like wild fire.

‪#‎UniteAgainstRape‬

brighten up

so there is something to brighten up my day...

i need to do some cleaning... why?
...
..
...
...


CARSON AND HIS BOYFRIEND ARE COMING OVER FOR DINNER TOMORROW!!!!!! :D

here is a chart to explain things a bit!

if you can't read that let me type it up for you anything in bold and italics is my commentary:


-sexual orientation: a sexual orientation is whether you feel a sexual attraction to another person or not, and who tou are sexually attracted to. Sexual attraction is the desire to have sexual relations with another person and/or vivid sexual fantasies of said person. Sexual attraction should not be confused with aesthetic attraction (thinking someone looks good but not feeling sexual toward them).

• heterosexual: being sexually attracted to a different sex and/or gender 
• homosexual: being sexually attracted to the same sex and/or gender (i am a homosexual)
• bisexual: being attracted to more than one sex and/or gender
• pansexual: being sexually attracted to people regardless of sex and.or gender
• Asexual: does not experience sexual attraction (but can experience aesthetic attraction)
• demisexual: only experiences sexual attraction after a strong emotional bond has been established.
• greysexual: only occasionally experiences sexual attraction. 

- romantic orientation: a romantic orientation is whether you experience romantic attraction to another person or not, and to who you experience romantic attraction with. romantic attraction si the desire to be close/intimate with another person but is not necessarily sexual . (THIS EXPLAINS JAKE.)

• heteromantic: romantically attracted to a different sex and/or gender
• homoromantic: romantically attracted to the same sex and/or gender
• biromantic: being romantically attracted to more than one sex and/or gender
• panromantic: romantically attracted to people regardless of sex and.or gender (me)
• Aromantic: does not experience romantic attraction
• demiromantic: only experiences romantic attraction after a strong emotional bond has been established.
• greyromantic only occasionally experiences romantic attraction

so.... i am homosexual but panromantic. 

thats it...

well she's off.... Racheal is on her way to west point...

i had sent Woolard a test saying racheal was leaving this morning and i wouldn't see her until christmas and how i was trying not to cry...

he CALLED me. he told me it was alright to cry, that i would see her again, but that we needed to part ways. we each have our own way to go. he also said good luck for her.

he called me...

i love him so much.

orientation info need to save

park at the Gold Lot at Dowdy-Ficklen Stadium. Please print the permit and display it on the dash of your vehicle once you have parked on campus.

If using a GPS device, please use Ficklen Drive (no number is needed) as the address to arrive at the Gold Lot.

07/02/2014 - 07/03/2014.

Orientation check-in will be held from 8:00-9:45a.m. at Dowdy-Ficklen Stadium.

Following check-in, an ECU Transit bus with 'Orientation' on the marquee will take you to main campus where you will check into the residence hall (if staying overnight) and proceed to orientation activities.

farewell, so long, adue....

its time to start saying good bye.


2 members of our family are leaving us.

Racheal leaves in 3 days, counting today, for West Point... the next time i see her will prolly be at christmas..

and Peaches, our oldest cat is going to be put down soon. He's old, he has arthritis and we will not let him suffer. he also peed on my bed yesterday.... we suspect that he was asleep and couldn't control his bladder.

i love them both...

got 'em

... my glasses are back....

they weren't even in the house.

THATS WHY I COULDN'T FIND THEM.

Racheal took them this morning thinking they were hers.....

._.

thank you keeper.


sorry i snapped at you.

i apologize.

._.

wth!

WTH!!!?

my glasses are missing.

i only went into four rooms last night since i came home.

living room. - computer and couch
kitchen - food.
living room - eat
kitchen - trash
living room - computer
room - sleep
bathroom - self explanitory
room -sleep.


they aren't in ANY OF THESE FUCKING ROOMS.

i have no one to help me look.
if i tell mom when she gets home i get yelled at.
i left an offering and the fey still haven't helped.
the keeper (of all that disappears) who usually helps hasn't.
both sisters are gone.

just fucking damn it!!!!

WHAT THE HELL.

i need those fucking glasses!!!!!!

Unique

Alright... so last night.. i met someone who will be going to ECU in the fall like me!! she has her orientation today and tomorrow, so i won't see her at mine, but i'm hoping i run into her again :)

she plans to major in ... i think it was nuero-biology? idk.

when i meantioned i was worried about not having too many friends, she did the most awesome thing.
she started to wlk away after i ran her up, but turned and offered me her hand. shaking hands she introduced herself as "Anique"...sounds like Unique but with an A... i have no idea how to spell it :P

but she seemed really cool, really nice...and really cute :3

i really hope i run into her again!

hints

so it is said that spirit guides can comunicate through hints....

and i tink i'm seeing some?

my spirit guide has talked to me through songs in my head on a few occasions... one of wich was the day jake broke up with me: i had Rock of Ages' song "Harden my Heart/Shadow of the Night in my head.

today i woke up with the piece of "be prepared"  in my head: "A shining new era/is tip-toeing nearer/where do we feature/just listen to teacher"

and someone made  a status on facebook: "things are about to change, i can feel it in my nugget"

and then there is thew fact that today is the summer solstice: energies are turning and change is at work.


so...whats up?

too tired

sorry i'm too tired to come up with a good title.

got back from work.... starving...

so..
my job is hell when you are as clumbsy as i am. i have scratches and bruises and ugh.
the muscles around my knees have been spasming when i stand still.

but i do like my job.

and i thought i got off at 7 today? nope. 9. after i remembered that it was like the universe decided to make it to hectic and chaotic to keep me busy so i coulnd't notice the time.....thanks but please don't do that again.

i have made so many screw ups today...and then that chaos? mixed with a  poor diet for the day (possible low blood sugar = moody) ? lets just say by the time i got off all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.
(the only reason i can say it wasn't a bad day was because Carson was there and he makes everything better at work :P he can make me laugh and he's someone i can actually have a conversation with. plus i can throw hi silly looks and he'll laugh -others just look scared or annoyed or stoic- he's my work buddie and i am SO happy he was there today (for half my shift). hopefully he will be there tomorrow. )

so i buy some food from wendy's and go home.
 after eating only half of my dinner - i figure i'll eat the rest for lunch and on my break tomorrow - i find out i have a long ass cut in my gums... no idea how it got there... hurts though.

i'm too tired to hang out with Maude. Too tired to even move my legs.

i'm too tired to give two shits.

i'm just tired man.. and my mouth hurts.

Saya Cosplay

so.. to cosplay as Saya... i have 4 options...

A:

- Pink turtle-neck, kahki skirt, black leggings and my boots.

B:

-pink/white elbow length gloves, black slip/bralette, pink slinky dress (knee length)...black boots?

C:

or

-short khaki jacket with long sleeves, light pink or blue shirt, white skirt, my khaki boots.

D:

- frilly white or light pink dress (knee length), purple or dark leather jacket also knee length, my black boots

Happy Father's Day

I have said it over and over again.... i never thought i would have a real dad. It was just a fact that i had accepted...

but then i met woolard. and it all changed.

i found out what it was like to have a dad.
to have someone who's hug made everything seem okay.
who made me feel safe.
made me feel loved.
and it was him i looked at right before i got my diploma.

After meeting him i realized just how jealous i am that other girls get to be with their dad 24/7... and i only saw mine at school. I had to constantly remind myself he had his actual kids and i needed to back off... but i still got my daily hug :P

i just wanted to be around him all the time. just be in the same vicinity as him. he has a kind and warm and loving presence that just fills up a room, making me feel safe and sound...


although its a waaaaays down the road, i have decided a while ago that i want woolard (and my mom) to walk me down the isle at my wedding. My Dad and my Mom.

although he is not my father legally or by blood, i love him as my dad.

"blood is thicker than water"

not when it comes to him.

I won't get to see him as often now...
i won't get to hug him as often now (shit i'm tearing up...)
but he will ALWAYS be my dad.

i love him so so so much...


Happy Father's day...

^look at that grin :3

Graduation pics

done.

I graduated. i'm done.

the entire day... the entire weekend... is just a blur...like i went through  a dream... i can tell you the only part i will remember years down the road... is crying while woolard held me. everything else? already a blur.

after graduating i walked around the the rain trying to get pucs...mrs. howard left before i could find her... and then i walked around a full hour after because ahsley had left me behind :P

but... as a whole? blur...its moments...not events that will last... that long tearful hug with woolard...and strathy...

i won't remember the ceremony... i won't remember the beach....

nothing. it will be gone.

i'm done..... its over... and i don't even remember it clearly...its as if it were all a dream..

in the clear

so i talked to my boss.... i'm not in trouble.

she figured i hadn't thought to look at week days, and had meant to call me to let me know i had work...and she forgot. sh e wasn't mad.. i explained anyway and she was cool...

in fact?

i'm working a total of 24 hours this up coming week!! wow! the most i've worked has been  14!

yay~~~~

that pay check will be nice...

anyway... work stress is done - THANK YOU THOTH!

now on to graduation... hopefully Thoth will be proud of my academic accomplishment! :D

Thoth thank you so much for all your help....

Thoth, Wise Wizard and sage, sacred scribe  and illuminated communicator, he who shines the dazzling light from the top of the mountains into our open hearts, bestow upon us your gift of an Enlightened Heart-Mind so that we may see, think, hear, speak, and act from the center of truth , wisdom, and love. —Shamanic Egyptian Astrology

the night before

life goes on.

tonight is the night before life goes on.

i will not be sleeping very well tonight let me tell you.

tomorrow i have to go into work and face the music about tonight. not fun. i also need to look and see what days next week i will be working....and face frannie....

tomorrow i graduate from highschool... i think i'm still not comprehending what that really means.
i'm about to change. my entire life is about to change.

no more seeing my teacher family every day.
no more up at 6:30  bed by 10:30 and over again.


no more set schedule...

granted i will have work (hopefully...)

but its done. its over. the past four years.... seem like a lifetime and yet seem like a blur.


so...dreading the punishment i will face tomorrow morning.... thats gonna be hard...
then lunch with Ashley....seeing my friend Liam in person for the first time....
then its off to graduation....

i think i'm going to be sick...

nope. not going to get very much sleep tonight....

tonight is the night before life moves on.

rationalizing

ok.

so i had to work 2 - 9...

i don't graduate till tomorrow.
i'm still a student.

i was in school.

how did they know i didn't have a test?
how am i supposed to work while i'm at school?

shit..

they know schools let out early today...

so if they ask why didn't i go home early like all students and i say i stayed behind to help a teacher... its my fault.

shit shit shit.

hopefully Advanced Auto parts guy still wants me...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

so... i went to school today to helpo mrs. strathy move rooms.... stayed till about 3:15 and got home about 3:30.... i check my phone because i had earlier asked a gril from work when i work next because i'm off the weekend and don't know when i'll need to come back in...

she said i have work TODAY. from 2-9. HOLY FUCING HIT I'M 2 HOURS LATE AND I HAVE A SCHOLARSHIP DINNER TONIGHT.


so i text her back in a panic.... she says eh will try to find someone to cobver the rest of my shift...

i swear... i looked through the schedule and never saw my name... how did i miss it??????

how much trouble am i in???
will i lose my job??

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

songs for upcmmig...

woolard

teachers/parents

friends/other graduates

or maybe not.

so…while trying to find a good cover of Do i make you proud…i found this.


holy crap i about burst into tears…

i want to sing this for woo lard, my mom, my aunt, and all the teachers for north pitt….

different woolard song

so… i changed my mind…again…

so this is another song i found that i think woo lard would like better. and its just PERFECT <3

videos i'm using to learn it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrZoQO9ulOk

…..

or maybe not. 

last theater class

so i just took the theater 2 exam... today is the last day i have this class....ever... then its no more mrs. howard...

let me just explain something about mrs. howard...

you know what? i already explained - as short as i could - to her in an email... let me just post it here..

email reads:

"hey mrs.howard 

i was thinking last night, with all that has happened during this year, it made me think how short life is. sooooo i wanted to just let you know how i think of you, because life is short and why not?

I honestly think you are one of the bravest and most amazing people i have ever met. I think it is amazing how care-free you seem to be and how you can create such an honest and welcoming atmosphere. You can be as silly as you want and you can lift just about anybody out of a bad mood. :)

I really look up to you because you don't hesitate to make people laugh and smile by being silly and fun. Since i met you i have had the courage and confidence to do the same and i really apreciate it. I am actually a very silly person but because of being shy i always hid it, but after taking your class sophomore year i just let it out and have been much happier and confident because of it. thank you so much!

You have inspired me and i really feel like i can always look forward to theater. I enjoy just watching you whenever you enter the room because your energy is so warm and exuberent and happy.. sometimes just seeing you and you saying hi to me in the hallway can make my day.

So i wanted you to know how much i apreciate you and how much you have helped me :) -hug-

have a nice day :)"

we have a winner

so i'm going to sing Hero by Foo Fighters for Woolard's Father's Day song :)

i will be listening to an accoustic version of the song to help me keep the right tone/pitch and such.
i will try to harmonize with the singer, or something like that. but i figured i'd do better listening to an accoustic version :)

songs for woolard

scratch that safe and sound idea....

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/foofighters/myhero.html

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/davidcook/heroes.html

fathers day idea

so i'ma sing safe and sound... and put in a link to a blog post explaining why i chose that and what each section means to me...

like in the beginning "i remember tears rolling down your face when i said i'd never let you go"... i cried when he said that he would be there for me and was just a phone call away and that he was proud to be my "dad".


"when all those shadows almost killed your light" - woolard was  a light when i was depressed.

i remember you said don't leave me here alone, when all thats dead and gone and past tonight"

yadda yadda yadda... thats for another blog post... i highjacked Maude's laptop to jot down this idea :P

food lion buddie :3

so i have this friend at foodlion where i work.

he and i kinda VERY LIGHTLY flirt...its not a i'm-into-you kinda flirt, its a you-seem-fun kinda flirt.

we have this thing about sharing a pen. its fun :3

so.... today we started talking about Anime...... guess who got him started on anime?...HIS BOYFRIEND.

he.is.gay.

i'm so happy.

this means i can still kinda flirt with him and not have to worry about him liking me!! :DDDDDD

he is so nice and he has a sence of humor :)

i actually have a work friend :)

teachers

so... north pitt is family.... **though  i feel like all of them could be my mom

i have my teacher parents: Mrs. Weeks-Hughes and Mr. Woolard
the close cousin: Mrs. Owen
the big sister/artsy aunt: Mrs. Strathy
the amazing crazy aunt: Mrs. Howard (gods i wish i could be more like her....)
the sister/hippy aunt: Mrs. Herrera


these people... i have seen them almost every day over the past 4 years...
i see them more than i see my own family.

they are part of my family.


I have gptten so use to seeing them pretty much every day that i miss them over winter and spring break. just a week and a half and i miss them.

i see them every day and then....it just stops.
in a few days it will just stop.

i already miss them.

i don't want to not see them every day.

i like seeing them every day.

they make my life better. they make me a better person. I have learned so much from them... about the world... about myself...
they make me feel loved and i love them all so very much. Words cannot fully express how much i love them. its unconditional and impossible to fully comprehend how much i love them.

i'm not ready for it to end.
gods... i am not ready for it to end...

i don't want to leave them.
any of them...

what am i going to do?

i just want to hug them and ball like a baby...

i have 3-4 days left and then.....it stops.

i feel like i'm losing my family.

i'm not ready...

my heart hurts.

exam 1

so i just took my physics exam…lets just say…if all of the ones i guessed on are wrong? i made like…. a 34….

oops.

well now i'm trying to watch some Blood+

which is a great anime…i like the first season better than the second…and it isn't for young children…lots of blood. but its not too horrific…

i like it a lot. :)

but i have t watch it on hulu because this computer doesn't play netflix D:

health

I;m worried about Maude's heath :/

she has a Pelvic inflmaitory disease... along with chronic back pain, asthma..and some other stuff. :/
along with that she has a virus...kinda like the flu.

and thursday she has to get her birth control thing taken out.... putting it in had hurt her a lot, taking it out will too...

makes me glad i don't need birth control....

changes

so i made some changes to my blog :)


i have put in a viewer counter :)
i have added in a horoscope section :)
i have put in mother teresa quotes
inspirational poems
Buddha quotes
and Dali Lama quotes  :)

awesome article

http://www.energyintuitive.com/2012/03/why-do-spirit-guides-care-so-much/

reincarnation

http://www.visiontv.ca/videos/supernatural-investigator-301-reincarnation/

who would my greek deity parent be?

quiz results:

• Aphrodite
• Zeus
• Zeus 
• Athena 
• Athena
• posiden

sinkin' in

its finally sinking in….

i'm graduating next week. what.

linear time

linear time is so hard for me…..

its why i struggle with planning sometimes….
why i don't do well when i have to get stuff in by a deadline…
why i struggle to know what day of the week it it.

yesterday was monday but it felt like a wednesday…today is tuesday but feels like a thursday and i swear its like all last week was just 2 days…

time time time…. why are you so fast and so slow and just wibbly wobbly?

possibley

i have read many books that i have wanted to find again....this mightbe one!!! if the dragon turns into a boy - then it might be it!!!

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/372807.Dragon_s_Bait

hangin' out pt 2

so i hung out with clvim and joey again yesterday. we ate at a Chinese place i have never been to before, looked around at 5 Below (its like walking into a beach shop right now… give it a few weeks and it'll be cool again), then we headed to Sunday at the park - a free concert at the Greenville town commons park.

i made clove flower crowns for Madison and Faith (who happened to be there too), Joey, and for 2 sweet little girls. I made a flower bracelet for calvin, and put a bunch of little ones in my hair :3
and then?
Calvin, Joey, one of the little girls, and I got our picture taken for the newspaper. now… idk if out picture will be in the hard copy of the newspaper but it will be one of the many shown on the online newspaper  :)

yay!

i really needed a fun and stress free weekend…. i am so glad i got it.

on a downside…. i seriously got jipped on work. i worked 5.5 hours on saturday, sunday off, and next saturday i'm working from 10 - 2…. thats only 3.5 hours…
and i requested off next sunday for something with Mary. (Mary = aunt….Maude = friend Mary)

chakras

i have very little earthly attatchment.... as in .... not enough...i'm unbalanced.
i look way too much into illusion...
i am easily fooled by lies
i feel too much shame,guilt, and fear.

well damn. no wonder i'm so anxious...

hangin' out

so yesterday i got off of work at 5 and got to hang out with Calvin and joey.... when it got dark outside the stars were amazing...ad you know what else? FIREFLIES. everywhere.

i got so excited because fireflies usually mean faeries are around somewhere...

so iran to go into the house and get my shoes so i could go over to the area they were clustering...and ran right into Calvin's glass door. i mean it was right out of that windex commercial

ouch. my cheek was red for  a few hours and i bruised one of my knees xD

it was hilarious. .

we watched the first crow movie <3 <3 <3 <3

and Donnie Darko.... let me tell you...that movie is a mind fuck. lol.