what to wear?

so it is official... i am going to see THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA on doct 12 at 1.

heres the thing. what do i wear?


the left dress is pretty and simple, formal and basic.
the right dress is prettier and elegant.

everyone is saying go with the right.... but i don't want to be over dressed....

Spanish 2

I have decided: i am going to drop spanish 2.

I found out i need to take all 4 spanishes.

why should i start at 2?? especially when i feel like i am going to fail.

drop the class.

start over next year. in sem 1 take span 1. in sem 2 take span 2.


i will save my GPA. and use logic.


i just feel like dropping a class will let someone down.

but i know i need to do it.

Thoth, i'm not ashamed. it needs to be done. i hope you understand.

future plans

okay, so....

for my sophmore year i will move out of momma's home.

ESTIMATED FINANCE

monthly :

rent- $500
electricity/water- $300
internet - $100
if we all have cell phones, no house phone needed/

-----------------------------

so... $900...devided by 3....$300 per person. monthly.

for me:

i also need to pay a pet deposit for Draco and the cats. (i will be bringing more than one.)
but thats not monthly. thats for the first deposit.

then for me there is also a cell  phone charge.. i'll prolly have to pay like....$50 a month.

so for me.... $350 per month.

damn.


i know i want to have Joey a room mate. Ashley wants to room with me. bring her boyfriend. a

idk if that is 100% .



BUT a 2 bedroom is cheaper. less electricity.


i'm looking at several 2 bedroom apartments...pet friendly, under 500.


i'm looking at one thats 400 a month. pet friendly, with a 200 pet deposit and a $10 monthly fee.
looks really good. really good. i like it a lot. its 5 minutes from school. 8 minutes from work. 11 minutes from momma's house.

Washer and Dryer. refrigerator. electric stove. central AC/Heat.

i kinda want it.

i'd have to pay $800...and $200 for pets.

in order to move in... he would have to pay 400 and i would pay 600.

hm.

i would then pay 210 (rent)+ 50 (electricty)+50(internet)+50 (cell phone)+ 165(car insurance) = 525

525 a month.

i get paid like....300 - 400 a month....tops....

AND gas money. AND groceries.

damn.

more anime

• kamisama hajimemashita,
•  zero no tsukaima, 
• sukitte Ii na yo, 
• Uta No Prince Sama, -- seen it 
• Kamigami No Asobi, 
• Guilty Crown, 
• Hakkenden Touhou Ibun, 
• Free, 
• Brothers Conflict, 
• Durarara, 
• Kuroko No Basuke, 
• Macross Frontier, 
• Meganebu, Kuroshitsuji,
•  Kill La Kill, 
• Diabolik Lovers,  --- seen it
• Cuticle Tantei Inaba, 
• Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun.
• Mikakunin de Shinkoukei

Mikakunin de Shinkoukei

up-DATE

okay...so the other day i took a trip to the ER... chest pains.... couldn't find the exact cause, but they said my heart looked good in the x-ray and since the pain stopped they sent me home.

i have a heart ultrasound tomorrow...

also tomorrow...

i have a date.

her name is Anna and i know she lives by herself and has a dog. thats all i know about her.
thats it.

lol

we are going to see "Maze Runner" tomorrow. should be fun :)

i swear...

i swear if i don't start feeling better..ugh.

so i've had this headache. started last night.....came back this morning. hasn't gone away....

it fades, and then comes back.... sometimes its like the back of my brain is throbbing, now its back to my left temple stabbing through.

and just now my heart did the thing. it was only one beat, but it felt like it was trying to punch through my chest. - techniquley i was walking, so i was doing physical labor, so i can't say it was the heart thing... but it was. it hurt. and now i'm in a bad mood.

and behind my eyes hurt.

i want to feel better. ugh,

Goodbye my Imagination (original poem)

 its sunset in the summer,

the sky is full of fading colors.

fire flies dance around me as i pass

they dance with me as i dance in the grass.

its cool against my bare feet.

i spin and swirl  in a playful speed

loving the feel of my feet in the green.

the crickets chirp,the birds are quiet,

through the feild to the waterfall

which is thundering and silent.

i move through the trees

once again with bare feet

the air is warm as i move

and it is scented taste sweet.

the ime is dusk or dawn

either is fine in the grove

in my effortless calming run

i enjoy a quiet sense of fun;

just like a newly lifed fawn.

in this place of calming features

of nature and magic and woodland creatures, 

time and reality have no place here,

nor does anger,pain,and fear.

but alas i cannot go to this happy place,

which was once upon a time my saving grace.

because it became a thing for reality to feed

it left my world to wither and bleed.

because of reality my imaginary place has died.

this is why i often cry.

When dreams die (slam poem oiriginal old)

when dreams die

the heavens cry,

why, og why?

when dreams die

the sun will sigh, 

oh goodbye...

when dreams die 

and yoiu don't know why

can you say good bye?

some say that dream'n

isn't cool

and that you're a fool

and just wasting your time

and thats how dreams die.

but you know

that dreams grow

so now go...

keep the dream alive.

grow like a tree

in your dream

and you'll see

it will grow tall even if it starts small

we all start at a crawl.

but learn to fly 

and dreams won't die

they'll stay alive.

but fear will lie

and say if you fly

you'll fall and die.

thats how dreams die.

So you'll never know

until you go,

so let it grow.

start at the bottom 

and work your way up

then jump from the top.

If it's tall 

you'll fear the fall

but remember to fly...

thats how dreams stay alive.

meditation (old poem)

i am a child

in a world that moves too quickly.

i am one

in a world of many.

i am scared

in a world full of kind people.

i am confused

in a sea of answers.

i am a single unshed tear

in a sea of sadness, confusion,and lonliness.

i have one who is in me

but i cannot hear her messages.

i am part of one

but i can only hope she hears me.

i ask her to know me

but i barely even know myself.

i am a child 

in a world who moves to quickly.

i am lost

in a sea of confusion.

my only comfort 

lies in the quiet warmth of my own mind.

I feel (original old poem)

i feel empty
i feel alone
i feel happy
i feel scared
i feel tired
i feel the heater giving off heat
i feel my toes freezeing
i feel fear
i feel time moving on
i feel reluctant
i feel helpless
i feel longing
i feel loneliness
i fel my wishes to be someone
i feel my dreams dieing
i feel my imagination fading
i feel my cat's paws on my foot
i feel my hand go through my hair
i feel my eyes getting heavy
i feel youi growing bored with this poem
i feel myself not caring
i feel my sanity slipping
i feel my self control keeping me sane
i feel that my life will have no results
i feel like a waste
i feel love for the ones who care
i feel my gratitude
i feel restless
i feel lazy
i feel the floor i'm sitting on
i feel bored
i feel affection for all my friends
i feel cold
but...
what i truly feel.....
...
right now...
is...
empty

Whispered Words (original poem)

*based on a guided meditation i did in which i saw my inner/high self.  She said something to me, only her voice was in such a quiet whisper i couldn't make out what she said.

Elegance and beauty,
you reflect what is in me.
My spirit that i hold inside this body.
alive.

i walked the path to you,
my fear and worried fled,
you are proof that i am not dead
inside.

Like looking into a mirror,
only you had grace that i do not.
with a face like mine, only it was more.
Faerie.

With skin perfect,
your hair longer and lighter,
what showed me that you were me,
your eyes.mine.

Your face more elegant,
but i knew you were me.
Dressed in robes of royal colors,
spirit.

Both kind and loving,
you have patients for me
,you who dwells inside me.
smiling.

You know why i came.
you tell me somthing, only it is quiet.
Sadly your whispers remain
unheard.

Voice soft and gentle.
face familiar and yet alien.
you lady inside me, for now, are
unheard whispered words.

Tarrot Card

After the purging experience of Death, it is necessary to rebuild and improve on that which has been left over. Now that old habits and beliefs are gone forever, new attitudes must be acquired to fill the gaps and make you whole again. This process of reconstruction and harmonization is shown by the card called Temperance. The verb "to temper" means to modify or strengthen by adding a new component to an existing substance or mixture, and this broad defintion can be applied to many areas of your life. But all applications of Temperance share the common theme of moderation and balance, culminating in the creation of a centered and well-rounded being.

In most Tarot decks the red-on-white symbology first shown in the Magician appears on the card in some form. The temperance of desire (red) with purity (white) is one of the most fundamental manifestations of this card, as is the reverse (purity with desire). The angel on the Rider-Waite deck, who wears a white robe and has red wings, is a perfect illustration of this. Purity of heart and mind gives you a solid base to fall back upon, but only through the desire for personal growth can you ever develop. The angel's white robes give him his basic form, but only through the control of his red wings comes his ability to fly.

The act of Temperance can also refer to the coming together of two distinct beings that must function as one. Obviously this refers to relationships, but also to friendships, partnerships, and all kinds of compromises and committees. This can also take place on an internal level, when you confront your deepest desires and your most irrational fears and, instead of getting rid of them, you incorporate them into yourself and grow stronger because of the temperance. If you throw away your Shadow it cannot help you, but by accepting it you bring it under your control. Perfect harmony with oneself is one of the two lessons of this card, and the one often seen in readings.

Temperance also represents an appreciation of moderation through experience of the extremes; to use an analogy, to live through the darkest night and the brightest day to appreciate both the twilight and the dawn. Only through seeing and acknowledging both sides - the positive and the negative - can you integrate both into your personality. Another facet of the Temperance card is that you must not strive to become totally positive, even though that might seem like a good goal. Life seeks balance and if you strive to be a totally positive being you will be fighting the current all the way. Better to embrace moderation and go with the flow.

The two situations in which Temperance will most often appear are in the context of your relationships with others and with yourself. In the former case, a need for balance is often implied. Conflict can only be resolved through compromise and cooperation, and two people who both acknowledge this cannot be in conflict for long, because they always balance things out before they become problematic. Likewise, they enjoy the good times but know that they cannot last forever, and are not disappointed on darker days. If a relationship seems out of balance in any way, Temperance must be taken as a sign to start fixing things before it gets too far out of balance and it is irrevocably destroyed.

Often, though, before you can achieve harmony in your relationships with the people around you, you must make peace with yourself. Inner imbalances can often manifest in the physical world if they are not attended to, whether or not the imbalance is a negative one. Having a lifestyle that is optimistic to the point of believing yourself to be invincible will lead to problems, maybe even more so than a lifestyle of pessimism and paranoia. Balance is best achieved through turning to the Inner Voice for guidance. Temperance is a card of health, and its appearance shows that your inner power is ready to heal you and make you stronger.

Halloween costume

Cheshire cat..i need

cat ears
purple wig
pink/purple fishnet body suit
pink and purple dress/top and skirt
tail


i have boots.

heart

okay so something my heart has done on random over the past few years:

i get a slight tightness in my chest and then my heart beats VERY HARD very fast. its painful. only lasts a few seconds.

i like tot think of it like a earthquake... theres like 5 levels.

5-HOLY SHIT IM GONNA DIE
4-HELP
3-ouch
2-discomfort
1-noticable, just a tightness or mild discomfort

usually its like a 3.
yesterday it was like.... 4ish. it hurt, i couldn't really breathe. wasted like 5 seconds.
today (this is unusual.... usually after it does it, it doesn't happen until several months later) it was 1 and 2.


so tomorrow i'm going to the Doctor to get it looked at. fun. yay.

bet they are going to say "nothing is wrong, you're imagining it".

Roma questions

1.  In your opinion, what aspect of Roma's history was most important to you?

• I feel like the most important aspect of Roma's history is that great exodus from India. That is when they formed their own way, became their own people, in a sense. They took in others, their language and shared culture shifted and changed. This beginning is, in my opinion, the most important aspect of their history because it got the ball rolling.

2.  How is the social organization among the Roma different from the U.S. American social organization structure?

• The Roma organized into four main groups, which then subdivided into clans, although they don't really stay together as a unit. It is most common to have 3 generations in a household. This is very similar to how the US is organized. The US is broken up into parts (by region - for example) and within those parts extended families are usually in the same part. Granted not every household has three generations, but it isn't uncommon. 

3.  Which traditional occupation of the Roma was most interesting to you?

• Craft, Trading, and Entertainment.....I find the entertainment occupation the most interesting. It can involve music, theater, acrobatics... Although now it is pretty much music. But why this is the most interesting occupation is because of the quote on page 210; "Music was never just an occupation among the Roma ... ... in the performance of a song the 'Ro  felt they became fully Rom".

4.  In your opinion, what can we learn most from the Roma?
Although they are very different from the Hmong, i feel that pretty much the same thing can be learned. Survival. The Hmong survived through determination, the Roma survived because of adaptability. If every culture and.or people could adapt the way the Roma, life would be quite interesting. They joined in and took what they needed in order to fit into a culture and yet they still maintained enough of their original way of life to remain separate. Being able top adapt kept them alive.

point taken.

once again life has told me "becareful what you wish for"

there was the tome i wanted to date someone more like me spiritually....and got someone who was just too much like me.

and today...i was joking about how i needed a "special" friend. and i meet a seriously hot lesbian who is roomates with my new friend will.


she is super experienced (if you know what i mean), is into ropes/handcuffs, and seemed kinda into me.

i'm not experienced.
i need things slow...(the ropes come down the road)
there is no way i would be ready for someone like her.

later down the road: hell yes.
now? no.


life..... teaching lessons.

its def a monday

I think i'm going to cry.

First off I forgot to shave last night and its really bad..... and i'm weearing a skirt yhat only goes down to my shins.

And THEN I find....ants. In my book bag.... no idea how they got there or why they are there.... does that mean they are in my room? Did I set my bookbag in an ant hill at some point?

And the othe day they were on my car!!

I need to look up what fire ants mean.... symbolically. Maybe the universe is trying to say something...idk.

Cute girl didn't talk to me today, I tried to join a conversation with her na dher friend about dying hair, but they quickly moved it about another friend and I couldn't follow. Oops. Maybe I shouldn't have tried.

Yeah, I def think she is straight. Not interested at all.

Oh well.

I look like shit today, I put make-up on, but my hair looks terrible and my face is all oily. Not working. Damn.

I want to just skip everything and just go to cultural anthropology. Or go hide out in the LGBT room.

This saturday is the pagan pride festival.... maybe Maude will go with me? If not, then i'm not going and i'l just go to the movies. I actually have the day off so, I want to make good use of it.  

friend? update

so... i talked to her. :3

at the beginning before class started she was talking to her friend, so i didn't say anything, but once class started, she saw me and said " hey, how are you?" with a big smile :3

i asked her how far into the reading she was, she said page 70 (we're supposed to be at like...page 120 by monday) and i sadi i was half way to were she was. she laughed and said i should be okay.

aaaaaannnd i found out she's a freshman like me :D
she's majoring in cultural anthropology :3
and this is the only class that we have together.



aannnnd yeah. she's pretty. and nice. and yeah.

lol

she seems cool :3

rings

i want these....

i'm a ring finger size 6
but i can work a size7...

http://www.priceninja.com/pdfs/celtic-spiral-pentagram-ring-3870867-p.asp

http://www.medievalcollectibles.com/p-8870-traditional-celtic-knotwork-ring.aspx#

friend?

okay so last night i didn't sleep well. at all. like...my brain never actually went to sleep. ugh.

and today's class in societies from around the world...... was boring. i hate to say it, but it was.
but i noticed this pretty girl who sits next to me, aptly entranced by Dr.Bunger. She was so into the class, i saw he nod and her eyes were bright and such...kinda like how i am in Intro to Cultural Anthropology.

and she caught me watching her. she smiled, and i looked away very quickly lol.

but when class was over i came up to her and said "sorry, i couldn't help but see how interested you were in class, are you into anthroology"
*nod*
 "whats your major?"
"Cultural anthropology" and she smiled.
i did that nerdy "yus, me too" with the fist thing i do.

and she seemed really friendly with Dr. Bunger :) and just seemed to be a sweet person. :)

her name is Anna Clair :)

possible friend?

Spanish HW lists

4 things i did over the weekend:

• This weekend I worked on my work.
• This weekend I also worked in the Spanish Task online.
• This weekend I did some of my tasks, some that could not because I was at work.
• So last night I played on facebook, so I could go to sleep.

4 questions to ask:

• Do you work weekends?
• Did you work on Spanish homework online?
• Do you do homework on the weekend?
• Would you like to play on facebook? What games?

Tyler y yo, ambos trabajaban ambos días el pasado fin de semana!
Tyler y yo ambos jugaron un videojuego esto el fin de semana pasado.
Tyler y yo, ambos deberes español hizo este pasado fin de semana.

Spanish HW i need to catch up on

• To do this morning:
• intiedno! pg 207
• pg 208 practica 1 & 3
• make a list of 4 things i did over the weekend.
• change ^ into questions for someone else...did you...?
• ask them in class.

• Tonight's HW
• Inténtalo en la pg. 211
• Práctica 1 y 2 en la pg. 212.
• pg 215-215 practicas 1,2,3,4
• Cultural landscape: Cuba , "what did you learn"  pg 222 -223

D&D Character

• name: Elifaen "Ellie" to friends.
• race: half elf
• class: nature magic user (Druid)
• her animal: white owl
• prefers to be toward the back of the fighting
• use nature as a weapon
• protect others
• traits
• stealthy
• good navigator
• has very good senses(basic 5)
• good neutral 
• appearance:
• skinny, but in shape
• about 5'3''
• short red hair, usually has a flower in it
• slightly pointed hears and angled face with high cheekbones
• wears lots of green and brown, so she can blend in with the trees if need be
• goal in life: freedom. Utter freedom, from fear and the laws of man. Slavery is a big issue.

• Backstory:
• lived with humans, found them to be too corruptible, self centered
• dislikes laws, she finds them too restricting
• leaves her village hoping to fit in better with elves
• too snobbish for her
• decides to live in nature, by her own moral code
• she wants to travel, to live an exciting life, to be free... even from being in just one spot..
• personality:
• even tempered
• playful/mischievous 
• curious - she will join a quest just because she thinks its interesting
• loving
• willing to trust, but careful
• smiles a lot
• doesn't always say what she is thinking
• gets along well with others, even if she doesn't like them
• loves to be alone in nature
• good with animals

^facial features and flower in hair

hair length and style, ears.

^ those 2 are kind of ideas that ar fused together to create her look.

clothes:

^he kind of cloak 

half way there.

okay so... i baught a car today. it won't be in my name or street legal until friday...but i baught a car today. and its nice.... a dark gray nisan maxima... its really easy to handle and its just ...nice

and its mine.

i, lisa, have a car.

half way.

The monster inside (original short story)

He waited, his breathe held in terror. There it was again. That sound. scratch. scratch. He heard it every night when all the lights were out. When his parents were asleep. Right now it was quiet, the door was shut, locked up tight. As er usual his parents had thrown him into his room and locked it, telling him to be a good boy and sleep. They had begun locking it after the fith time he had come to them crying about it.

No one believed him. It watched him at night. Calling to him. Beckoning him. Lurring him. He was so scared but mommy and daddy would only yell at him. He began praying, to anyone, that tonight would be different. That he wasn't being watched. That the voice wouldn't come.

Scratch. Scratch. No. It was just the wind. A branch touching his window. Tears formed in his eyes as he heard the sound again, louder, closer. He bit back a cry as he heard the deep gravely voice speak to him.

Tonight. Tonight it will happen. Come to me... come to me.... He shook his head and pulled his blankets over his head. Please no.... no, no, no, no...

Look at what they have done. Nothing..
"no!" he yelled, squeezing his eyes closed. But unable to help himself images flashed through his mind. His mom screaming at him. His father... he could feel the impact of his fathers fist into his side.

They hurt you.... "They love me." he said weakly. His parents were all he had. They loved him... he knew they did. They had to..
I love you. It said that every night... and tonight it sounded even more sincere, but he feared it was a trap. Against his instincts the boy uncovered his head and saw...saw them. those eyes.

Bright red, glowing in the darkness. Those eyes that filled him with longing... to be loved. To not be beaten. To be told he was a good boy.

Sweet boy... I will not beat you. I will not Scream at you. Just come to me, the voice purred. The eyes seemed to glow even brighter. He wanted to go. He wanted to get out of this locked room... away from his parents, away from this thing. But the voice was soothing and alluring.

He curled up in a ball reflexively when he felt a weight on his bed. eyes shut tight again, he shivered. So cold. the room was so cold. Why didn't mommy give him another blanket? He winced when he wrapped his arms around himself, the newest bruise still tender. Daddy's love.

Daddy's love, eh? Why not show them your love? This was a new idea. The boy looked up and to his surprise, he saw it. It was a child, his age. Another little boy, with lips currled into a a dark smile. His eyes still glowed a blood red, standing out against the darkness and his white skin.  The boy stretched his hand out, while beckoning with his other.

It isn't so scary he thought to himself. Love? Show mommy and daddy love? He wanted to run away, this felt wrong.

Come with me... there will be no more daddy beating you. No more momy yelling at you. They will both be happy, smiling at you. Just come to me... The creature purred. Smiling? Happy? Mommy and Daddy?

He shook off his unease, he had to go with this new boy. To make mommy and Daddy happy. He gulped and book the boy's hand. It was gold and clammy.... like the hand of the dead... and just like that ever memory of mommy and daddy's love came flooding his mind. The beatings. the boiling water being poured on his hands. The broken arm and fingers. The screaming. The blaming. Mommy and Daddy's "love".

Lets go show them your love.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The police were shocked when they arrived at the scene. A young boy, around the age of five was found, covered in blood. He was found sitting in a chair with his teddy bear, smiling and looking at his parents while they laid in his bed. Their faces were mutilated, gashes cut into them, making it appear that they were smiling. Huge, bloody smiles. And the boy just kept repeating, "Mommy and Daddy are smiling. I showed them my love and they are smiling."

:DDD

HE IS LETTING ME KEEP THE GRADE!!!! :D THANK YOU

to do

• frantically check my email for sociology proff. email reply.
• talk to professora after geology
• start the Spanish online stuff
• Spanish book HW 
• TAKE GEOLOGY QUIZZES
• READ for anthropology 

it may not seem like a lot..but it is. trust me.

Zero

okay. i need to breathe.
breathe.
breathe,

fuck,

okay so sociology will have no exams, instead it has 12 tests that will make up my grade.

the first one was due yetserday at 3.

the website said yesterday at 11:59.

so i took it after i got off of work at 7:30.


i had forgotten it was die by 3 because of the website.
i'm going to get a zero.


which means even if i get a 100 on  the other 11.. i will only have a 90.... i made an 0 on this ast one (but since it was late he will put down a 0.

so if i make an 80 on the rest my grade will be 73.

i'm going to friggin fail sociology. FUCK.

YEEAAHHHHH

today is a good day.


i got my license. (THANK YOU THOTH)
i'm going to check out a car tomorrow.
i got to see woolard and the girls <3
i got to see woolard.
i got to hug woolard.
i got to give woolard a hug,
i saw ashley.
i saw and GOT A HUG from Mrs. Howard (she doesn't hug.)

today is a good day.

walk through life (original slam poem)

One step at a time we walk the mile,
a hopeful child,
mind running wild. Till each step grows heavy
and breaths unsteady,
and for a minute i want to stop.

-breath/pause-

Breathe. Take a break. Ease the pain in my chest.
But my feet keep moving,
painful step by step
and my shirt is wet
from the tears that i've wept.
I'm alone on the road that goes on for miles,
my mind is beguiled,
as i cry I'M DYING.

I've gone far enough,
i'm done trying.

-breath/pause-

But my feet keep moving,
painful step by step
and my shirt is wet
from the pain that i've wept
I am no lnger a child
my mind is cynical and in my heart bitterness runs wild;
all the pain i've felt all alone,
as i roam, as i roam,
until i see a child.

He's Panting, out of breath,
his shirt is damp and his face is wet,
i see tears forming in his eyes,
and to my own surprise?
i reach out and touch him.

-breath/pause-

I give hime the smile,
the one i longed to see
all the while,
when this boy was me.
This is the moment my heart was set FREE
from the pain and the bitterness.
at this moment- i am again. me.

breathe/pause

So together we walk,
determined step after step
and our shirts are wet
from our dripping sweat
but together we go
painful strife after strife,
no longer alone
in this walk through life.

Spanish 2

i like spanish....

i do not like this class.

the professora is awesome... but i don't like this class.
i am going to fail if i don't get a tutor.

i got so confused today i almost cried when she asked me if i had a question all i could manage to say was "mas confusion".


Thoth help me today.... i need it.

i need tp pass this Drivers test and i need to just get through today!!!!!!!!

challenges and steps

so tomorrow i face a huge challenge.... my Driver's test. i failed it when i took it at Tarboro. now i'm going to Washington... i have been told its all in backroads...if this is true i should be alright. Thoth..i failed my first time, let me pass it this time.

i'm also going to look at a 2003 Impala tomorrow for about 2,500$.

yeah so tmorrow.... Classes, then car shit.

neither here nor there

I live in a constant day dream,

neither here nor there, 

only present when others are around me, 

neither here nor there.

I'm alert and here

when i have a purpose. 

talk to friends, get to class, 

when i have a purpose.

But alone my mind wanders, 

to escape and be alive,

I dance and sing and am happy,

to escape and be alive.

But i am not in that world, 

neither here nor there,

I'm only in this one partly,

neither here nor there.

Disassociative or air head,

i am what i am.

I just have a runaway imagination,

i am what i am.

To go there is like reading a book,

heart pounding, i'm alive!

but reality is what i see when i look, 

heart beating, i'm alive.

That world is not real, this one is ever present

i'm nether here nor there,

i am in neither one hundred percent, 

i'm neither her nor there. 

how i feel

i am so not in the mood for this class..... especially when it seems like i have bought the wrong friggin code. over a hundred dollars down the drain and now i  will have to buy a new one and all that jazz. and listen to him talk.... i really hope this day picks up.

schitzophrenia

"In men, schizophrenia symptoms typically start in the early to mid-20s. In women, symptoms typically begin in the late 20s. It's uncommon for children to be diagnosed with schizophrenia and rare for those older than 45.

Schizophrenia involves a range of problems with thinking (cognitive), behavior or emotions. Signs and symptoms may vary, but they reflect an impaired ability to function. Symptoms may include:

• Delusions. These are false beliefs that are not based in reality. For example, you're being harmed or harassed; certain gestures or comments are directed at you; you have exceptional ability or fame; another person is in love with you; a major catastrophe is about to occur; or your body is not functioning properly. Delusions occur in as many as 4 out of 5 people with schizophrenia.
• Hallucinations. These usually involve seeing or hearing things that don't exist. (who is to say they don't exist?)Yet for the person with schizophrenia, they have the full force and impact of a normal experience. Hallucinations can be in any of the senses, but hearing voices is the most common hallucination.
• Disorganized thinking (speech). Disorganized thinking is inferred from disorganized speech. Effective communication can be impaired, and answers to questions may be partially or completely unrelated. Rarely, speech may include putting together meaningless words that can't be understood, sometimes known as word salad.
• Extremely disorganized or abnormal motor behavior. This may show in a number of ways, ranging from childlike silliness to unpredictable agitation. Behavior is not focused on a goal, which makes it hard to perform tasks. Abnormal motor behavior can include resistance to instructions, inappropriate and bizarre posture, a complete lack of response, or useless and excessive movement.
• Negative symptoms. This refers to reduced ability or lack of ability to function normally. For example, the person appears to lack emotion, such as not making eye contact, not changing facial expressions, speaking without inflection or monotone, or not adding hand or head movements that normally provide the emotional emphasis in speech. Also, the person may have a reduced ability to plan or carry out activities, such as decreased talking and neglect of personal hygiene, or have a loss of interest in everyday activities, social withdrawal or a lack of ability to experience pleasure.

Symptoms in teenagers

Schizophrenia symptoms in teenagers are similar to those in adults, but the condition may be more difficult to recognize in this age group. This may be in part because some of the early symptoms of schizophrenia in teenagers are common for typical development during teen years, such as:

• Withdrawal from friends and family
• A drop in performance at school
• Trouble sleeping
• Irritability or depressed mood
• Lack of motivation

Compared with schizophrenia symptoms in adults, teens may be:

• Less likely to have delusions
• More likely to have visual hallucinations" (if what i have eperienced is delusions then i have them VERY rarely)

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/schizophrenia/basics/symptoms/con-20021077

so, someone today said i might have a SLIGHT case of schizophrenia. same thing my therapist said when i told her about the time my SG gave me a hug.
my first reaction to the guy was to close myself off. he kept assuring me that he wasn't judging but wondered if i was open to the idea of it.

it would be a rational explanation for all the things i've heard/felt when it comes to SG and faeiries.

but: i'm not crazy.

however it made me think.

Schizophrenics have an imbalance in their brains. That is what i believe anyway. I have an imbalance in mine: i'm bi-polar.

so...what is to say that i'm not MILDLY schizophrenic?

fine.

BUT what if: it is a small imbalance that is needed for the brain to NOT sensor out the hints of the other side?

to clarify: what if you need to have an imbalance to see/hear/feel spirits and/or faeries?

too much of an imbalance and you're certifiable. Not enough of one and your brain will sensor out anything that isn't from this plane of existence.


i'm not saying i'm schizophrenic. but i do feel my SG on rare occasions. I do hear people call out my name, when no one has. I have seen things out of the corner of my eye, even if i lie to myself and say that i didn't. I have seen the fea's moving silhouettes when i was at the boy scout hut and surrounded by glorious nature.


and as i type this i get  sick feeling in my chest, near where my heart is,

Why must everything be rationalized? Granted if i can debunk a sensation as the fan blowing cool air on me or a strange noise actually being my cat, then yeah i'll go with that.

But i have enough doubt as it is, why add more?
I KNOW they are real, in my heart i do. but my mind fills me with doubt.


I know it wasn't his purpose to upset me, i'm not upset, and he was offering a logical explanation.

this is just a rambling of thoughts, and i'm not going to let this discouragement sit in my chest for long,

There is a beautiful statue of Bast near me and i know she makes me feel better. <3

minor

so i'm thinking about what my minor will be.

I think right now it down as "sociology" but i think i'm going to switch it to English with a focus on Creative Writing. OR pyschology with a focus on criminology? if thats possible?
idk.


oh and for anthropological research:


Vampyre Subcultures.
Faerie folklore from around the world.
Occult subcultures.
Goth subculture.
Mormon subculture- although i'm pretty sure lots of research has been put into that already.
The people that keep old cultures alive (ex: people who keep ancient fighting styles alive)

hehehehehe...

guess who got a ticket to see Laverne Cox....... MEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I AM SO FRIGGIN EXCITED...

Egyptian Pirate

thinking something like this:

with eye make-up like this:

and a gold bandanna instead of red.

recourse office

oh my gods.... people are awesome.

thought:

what is the power i would accept...with the worst drawback.


hm....



freedom.
I want to be cat woman, i would take whatever drawback comes with it....



omg. Powers of cat woman... but can only meow when speaking. xD

Societies from around the world

okay so this class... very slow paced but i can follow it easily. Notes are easy to take and he is just the sweetest old man :3

aannnnnd there is a cute pagan girl in there.
short blonde hair, she was wearing black and white stripped and looked very scene/artsy. :3

she had 2 pentacles, one had stones hot glued on and looked pretty good. She said he aunt made it for her :)

annnd i'm probably never going to talk to her again, so - oh well. :P

NEW FaerieCon notes

okay so i'm onyl going that saturday....


Day passes: Saturday pass: $25.00 (if baught online this is the price...its on sale right now)
Masquerade ball: $40.00 (only baught online price)

okay SO

gass money - not sure how much... but its a 6 hour drive...
$65... lets say $70 to be safe


so $70 per person.... bring money for food and spending.

make-up: