past, present, future.

“It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

― Hugh Laurie


This reminds me of another quote:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

― Lao Tzu

heres the thing... to be in the present or the "now".... takes courage. Being afraid is far more easier than actually living life in the present.

Its why there are so many worriers.

i know i am trying to give up and renounce useless fears. I know some of my best memories are from when i said "carpe diem" and went for somethign - living in the present.

That kind of bravery comes in waves.

and for some unknown reason instead of geting braver - lately i am regressing.
i find myself becoming more fearful and anxious in my daily life.

but when it comes to spirituality i don't feel anxiety. doubt yes, but not fear. i feel safe and good enough whenever i focus my attention on spirituality.

but spirituality deals with the other side.
life? thats scary stuff.

i am finding myself afraid the more i try to renounce fear.

I use to focus on the past... for years. It seemed i was only able to focus on the present for a hours at most. Then i became stuck int he future.

I'm constantly trying to get ready because i'm afraid of the future. If i live in the present i might have failure in the future.

I want to live in the present...and sometimes when my mind is clear and i realize the present moment, for a few seconds i am without fear. completely. Moments like that are rare.... and when they come i have no desire to work on the things that make me anxious.

Like the faerie paper.... as much as i love them, the paper terrifies me. I know i need to work on it but i don't even know how to start... so i stress about it. When a clarity moment hits me... i think of the paper and how little it is in the scheme of things... i can breathe... then once again i am immersed in cold fear.

I truly am a coward.  I am afraid to live, because when ever i feel the present moment i know that i won't feel fear...and if i don't feel the fear i don't prepare for the future. Because i don't care about the future.

I don't know how to achieve balance....
thankfully i have not returned to my fixation on the past.

But if i stay stuck on future i will never really move forward and if i am in the present then i have no fear to motivate me.

how do i fix myself?

My present self is dangerous... she is the one that can stand up against those who cast negativity. She is the one that can inflict damage with a smile. She is the strong one. She is the playful one. The one i call my "faerie side"

I love the fresh air that being in the present gives me... its intoxicating... but its reckless. Its like my Euphoric phases when i wasn't on my meds.

but the anxiety of the future, if it gets any worse, will paralyze me.

I want to be that reckless girl who lives in the moment and doesn't care about the ocnsequences because this life is temporary and short and nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things.

but i'm too smart for that. i know consequences matter. which is why i worry and fuss....

i truly wish i could live in the moment, but its dangerous, without a dose of fear.

except i let the fear control me.

how do i balance it? as it is i'm 100% one or the other. how do i even out and live in now while i prepare for the future?