Monday, March 28, 2016

Alone

Once again i am reminded that if I'm not interested or don't have any drive for sex then I'm doomed to a life alone. 

Thanks. I knew that but I didn't need to be reminded. I appreciate that, not that I didn't need another dark cloud in my mind. 

Idk why I am even trying with Kennedy. The same thing that happened with Corie will happen here. 

Everyone wants sex. Accept me. 

So I know, and was again reminded, I will be alone. 

If you don't want sex, no one wants you

Next English Project: the case study

the case i'm going to use it getting the pentacle available for headstones for fallen pagan military.


  • 5+ pages
  • person, organization, or policy
  • 8+
  • DUE 4/15

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Change on Phoenix and fallen

Before time began life and death gave birth to a son - the night. After years together she gave birth to others; the  stars, earth, and nature. 

Together life and death worked with their children to create a world with four seasons. But something was missing. The world was missing something... 

Earth created the humans, the fae were the children of the stars and nature. 

Yet the world was still dark. 

It wasn't long before life gave birth to light in the form of twins: the sun and moon. Who fell madly and deeply in love.

Although it was common for the gods to marry their siblings it was forbidden for twins. However they devided their energies to gain human forms and were able to be together, while still providing light for the world. The moon was a kind and compassionate lover, full of generosity and mercy. 

Together they gave life to three races: the avians who like their mother carried wings and the ability to create life without a male- thus promising a race of only women. The next were the dragons - fire beasts who could take human form.  They were blessed with always siring dragon sons, despite the race of their lovers. 

The third race were the Sylvians. These beings were more human like than their fae cousins yet were not human. 

All was well until the night decided that earth was no longer enough for him and he fell in love with the sun. Taking a human like firm he presumed her, only to be rejected. 

In a rage he killed the moon, who's energy returned to his sky body. He raped and held hostage the sun(cutting her wings from her back), who became pregnant with his child. In an attempt to rid the world of s child born from hatred, and refusing to be trapped and controlled she used a knife to try and remove the child from her body. 

She was stopped but in doing this she angered the night and he cursed every female on the planet to bleed when her body isn't with child. eventually the child was born but it was nothing like the children born from the moon. This creature, the first darkling, possessed the ability to use the darker side of magic. This new race was not peaceful like the rest but rather thrived on war and killing. 

after years of torment the sun was able to trick and seduce the night, slipping a knife in to bed with her and killing him.. Once done she killed herself so that she may return to the sky with the moon. Every so many generations when they can bear being apart no longer they return to the world to live a single life together. 

The night however, was cursed. His sister stars gained control of his domain and he was cursed to wander from each life to the next- his spirit never to go back to the sky with his family. In each life he is cursed to remember all from his former ones, but the sun, in her bright love, promised that if he could manage to have an incarnation of herself fall in love with him, then when that life ended he would be welcomed back to the sky. 

But while he lived, he would live as every race, and yet be nameless. He was stripped of his godly title and powers, and of his own wings, and given only the name: the fallen. 

Over time he came to be associated as a spirit of war and wrath. Whenever a warrior became well known for his skill and cruelty on the battle feild he would be called a fallen. Most of these Warriors were darkling a and lived in hordes. 

Those that devoted their life to finding and serving the true fallen were called the fallen followers; which I compasses all races and often were outcasts and criminals. it is believed the fallen night would always find his way to the horde, in hopes of making himself easy to find for the dun's incarnation. 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Fall semester

intro into nonfiction  - T/TH 11-12:15
intro to fiction writing - T/TH - 12:30-1:45
courtship and marriage - T/TH 2-3:15
PE - T/TH - 8-9



motherhood of god - MWF - 11-12
span 3 MWF 8-9

my work availability:
12:15 - 10 on MWF
5-10 on T/TH



NOTES FOR SPRING SEMESTER

My minor
  • Eng 2815 - 3 (intro to creative writing)
  • Phil 2271 - 3
  • 2 out of : Eng 3830(intro to play writing), 3840 (into to poetry), 3860(non fiction writing)  - 6
  • one of these: Eng 3330, 3340 (contemp drama), 3410 (into poetry), 3831 (plays from writers POV), 3841(poetry from writers POV),3851(fiction from Writers POV),3861,4930 - 3
  • 2 or 3 of: - 6
    • Anth 3300 lang and culture
    • Clas 1300, 3300, 3400, 3405, 
    • ENGL 2230(southern lit), 4830 (script) ,4835,4840(advanced poetry),4850 (advanced fiction),4860(nonfiction),4885 (digital writing)
    • LING 2710,3700, 3720, 3750, 3240, 3250, 3260,3280,3290,3300,3460, 3570,3630, 3810,3870,3885,4230,4730
    • FILM 2900
    • GRBK 2000, 2010,2400 ,2500 ,2600
    •  HIST 333
    • PHIL 3272, 3331, 3350
    • POLS 3012 or 3045
 anything in bold is something i want to take out of the ones with the choices, highlighted is something that i feel i ABSOLUTELY MUST TAKE

and then there is my
anth requirements:
  • Feild methods -  senior spring - 3 writing intensive
  • Anth theory - junior spring - 3 writing intensive  
    • (writing intensive will be complete)
  • Motherhood of god - 3 credits (will complete the upper level anth electives)

Foundation requirements:
  •  2  1more courses in Spanish
  • Exercise 
  • 1 more social science
  • 1 fine art: PUBLIC SPEAKING PLEASE.
  • 6 classes of just random electives
    • any of the bolded minor courses that i don't ended up taking for the minor
      • ENG 3410,
      • ENG 3850 (intro to fiction writing)
      •  4840
      •  ANTH 3300
    • Grims fairy tales class
    • Supernatural engl class



Wednesday, March 23, 2016

life and death

little soul lying on the ground
your body still,
you're breathing slow,
death is soon to be found.

how is it, such a small little soul
can save a life?
for when i saw you
i felt such an immense pull.

Seeing you so helpless, little friend
and i knew just i what to do.
with a small act of kindness,
one little soul's journey didn't end.

today the universe's plan was shown,
for on this day that i saved your life;
and through that two lives were restored;
by saving yours, i was convinced not to take my own.

**********************************

for the past two days i have been plagued with self doubt and a sense of hopelessness about the future. it started ysterday and washed me away.... today i was having semi-suicidal thoughts.

but today while on my lunch... i saved a little bumble bee.
I saw him laying on the ground, motionless and remembered reading that just because they are on the ground like that doesn't mean they are dead. I thought he was,,,, but i saw his little leg twitch and slowly moving.

i don't really know why i did it. but i felt such a strong wash of pity and love for the little guy that i saved him.

for when they are like that its because they are exhausted and dehydrated; what they need is sugar water.

well... Mcdona;'d sweet tea is basically sugar water. So i rolled him over, face down and using my finger i put little dropps of tea by his face. at first there was no change. Then the more i put i saw him start to drink and then his wings moved.

I made a little puddle so he had more to drink and walked away, seeing him being able to move his wings and kind of stand on his own.

this is what i needed. I was so happy that he was going to be alright that for a few minutes i was awashed in sunlight and warmth.

granted storm clouds rolled back over me but they weren't as dark as before.

by saving his life, he saved mine.

thank you little bumble bee.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

low blood sugar

so sometimes i get low blood sugar. its why i get "hangry" and emotional when i'm hungry. if it gets too low i start feeling dizzy and start shaking.

today at work my blood sugar got low. I was shaking and dizzy.... it took a candy bar, a bottle of sprite and a large cup of ice tea to get me back up to 80% and even then i was disassociating from my body and kind of woozy.

i was also having suicidal thoughts.

the drive home was terrifying. I seriously considered flipping my car off the exit ramp.
One simple movement from my hand at a charp enough angle of the road.... and everything would stop. I would end. so easy....

it was so tempting. I don't really know what stopped me. i had about an even amount of energy for the idea as i did against it. but the amount of ease it would have taken and how seriously i wanted to scared me.

i made it home, in tears. momma (who doesn't know about the suicidal thoughts) made me eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. then i canceled all my plans for the day and laid down.

now i'm feeling much better but its amazing how blood sugar levels can affect the mental state.

kinda scary.


i wonder if that is how i will die. I use to believe i would die via car accident.... i still kind of do, i just don't know when.

what if its suicide via car? i'd say its probably the easiest way to do it. one movement.... no pressure needed to break skin, no necessary amount of pills... just one movement on the wheel. gone.


idk.

today i did not give in. and i am no longer tempted by the sweet promise of suicide. i do not hear its voice very often, so do not fret whoever may be reading - all is well

Thursday, March 17, 2016

answers

so kennedy fell asleep last night. which is what i figured anyway lol


she snapchatted me this morning and texted me. so i got to talk to her a little bit.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Stood up

I got stood up. 
Kennedy said that she would come see the witch with me, was even willing to miss a German event to see it with me.

She never showed. I texted her and called her. Nothing. 

Granted I wasn't alone - I had Ian and Josh with me. But I was really looking forward to spending time with her. 

The movie sucked. "The witch". Not a scary moment in it at all. I was very disappointed.


2 disappointments at the same time. 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Interesting day

So I worked 10-3 today and then went to hang out with a guy friend. This is the same guy friend I was with in DC. 

Well I expected to hang out for an hour or two then go home and such. 

Try 4 hours lol and it went by soooo fast! It was fun and we currently are sending random ass snapchats to eachother. 

I like this. I love to laugh. 

Thursday, March 10, 2016

networking

that amazing moment while on spring break inDC that you meet someone amazing.

so... we get on the metro train to return from DC museums and such and i notice someone who looks like a college student talking to an older lady who had a very professor-like aura.  they are talking about anthropology-mythology related books and i was dieing to get in on the conversation. the younger lady got off before i could talk to her but i went up and sat in her seat to talk to the older lady.

1. the book she had recommended for the girl was "a crocodile on a sand dune" which was written by an egyptologist
2. she is the HEAD OF CURATION AT THE SMITHSONIAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY


she gave me her personal phone number and email....

and the next day gave us a private tour of behind the scenes stuff at the museum...
she actually asked me to add her on facebook...


holy shit.


oh and i suspect she is a fellow  Bast worshipper.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

They listen

So yesterday I talked to the faeries outside my house... And I cried myself to sleep last night, after talking with bast. 

And they listened. 

Kennedy messaged me early this morning and we spent most of today together. 

And guess what was returned to me.... My elven star. It was placed right in front of my door...

I feel so much better with it back on. 

DC planning $$$$

Only using 1000
-100$ - Gas money
-64 - camping site
-18 Carolyn buying equitment
- 250 Metro passes (4 - 7-Day Fast Pass $59.25)
________________________

568$ left to spend on culture dinner


Wednesday, March 2, 2016

I'm crying

I'm crying and I don't know why.

Today has just not been great.

Woke up this morning from s nightmare. 
Was running late for school.
Took a midterm that I'm not too confident on.
Came home and crammed all of my online spanish hw.
Went to work for a longer shift. Plus it was cashiering :( 
Come home and it's like while I've been slowly sinking all day I just plummeted. 

I'm feeling lonely and I think Kennedy has lost interest in me.

I really miss racheal.

I just want to cry... There is no one big thing but rather so many small things and I just....

I'm am a worthy person but I feel worthless sometimes.

My worth is not determined by others but I hate when others don't see my worth. 

So many things in my head. 
And tears are just sliding down, silently.