low blood sugar

so sometimes i get low blood sugar. its why i get "hangry" and emotional when i'm hungry. if it gets too low i start feeling dizzy and start shaking.

today at work my blood sugar got low. I was shaking and dizzy.... it took a candy bar, a bottle of sprite and a large cup of ice tea to get me back up to 80% and even then i was disassociating from my body and kind of woozy.

i was also having suicidal thoughts.

the drive home was terrifying. I seriously considered flipping my car off the exit ramp.
One simple movement from my hand at a charp enough angle of the road.... and everything would stop. I would end. so easy....

it was so tempting. I don't really know what stopped me. i had about an even amount of energy for the idea as i did against it. but the amount of ease it would have taken and how seriously i wanted to scared me.

i made it home, in tears. momma (who doesn't know about the suicidal thoughts) made me eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. then i canceled all my plans for the day and laid down.

now i'm feeling much better but its amazing how blood sugar levels can affect the mental state.

kinda scary.


i wonder if that is how i will die. I use to believe i would die via car accident.... i still kind of do, i just don't know when.

what if its suicide via car? i'd say its probably the easiest way to do it. one movement.... no pressure needed to break skin, no necessary amount of pills... just one movement on the wheel. gone.


idk.

today i did not give in. and i am no longer tempted by the sweet promise of suicide. i do not hear its voice very often, so do not fret whoever may be reading - all is well