worried

okay for all...maybe 2 readers?

Lauren is in a financial pinch... that putting it lightly, and i won't go into details but she needs help. Please keep her in your thoughts/prayers.

homework to do over spring break

• spanish portfolio 
• CNF 1
• Benedict revisions

To do today

• Get out of class at 3:30
• Take Cara to practice by 4:15
• Stop at foodlion and buy bananas
• Go to officers meeting 
• Re Wright boss paper.

success

so turns out, dividing up my homework across the weekend was a brilliant idea rather than do it all at once. Its all done. I did each bit every day. Now all thas left is for me to re-write my Boas article tomorrow and i'm completely done!


plus?

I GET TO SEE LAUREN IN 2 HOURS

divide and conquer 2017

thursday night

ALL of Spanish Websam
ALL Aplia quizes

DONE.

Friday night
drunk uno and cards against humanity because goddammit i need to relax a bit.

Saturday 
Transfer TNB into actual notebook

•  Place of meditation #7
•  Cemetery #6
•  Public Reading #4

Hang out with Cecilia and Jay

Sunday
work till 11:30....dinner at 6
Transfer WNB

1.   Two 4-line poems composed in strict meter
2.  copy into your notebook at least one stanza of a poem or song that uses regular rhythm & meter
3.   Read "Overtime" by Ron Rash & "Stacks" by Erica Plouffe Lazure, draw out a timeline for each story and indicate in it about how long you think each scene lasts; describe the principal settings in each story (both the times & places in relation to other times & places in the story)
4.  2 narrative poems.
5. Photo Essay  
6. summary of in-class report (300 words minimum) on two CNF essays, including one "craft" essay from Brevity. Indicate for each essay title, author, source, and when you read it, including where you were when you read it, what you'd recently been doing, and what you'd be doing later. Concentrate in your brief reports on how well the authors employ the essentials of CNF.

spoken

those three words have been spoken. (last night 2/20/17)


and she used my own plan against me.

Lauren called me and left a voicemail, ending it with "i love you, bye"

i didn't know if she did this out of habit or.... she she meant it.


so i said it back... and was pleasantly surprised to have her mean it sincerely.

it feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.  having spoken it.

and i feel lighter every time i say it or write it to her.

i can't wait to have her back and close to me.


warning, i am currently writng her a letter that eventually will be posted. its a long one.

thinking for the future

so i was looking into how much my student loans will probably be when i graduate.... its terrifying. 

but i'm going to short circuit the math and just say that when i graduate i will need a full time job that will pay at LEAST 13$ if i want to pay off my student loans in the next 25 years. 

i feel like this website (and others like it) will come in handy... as well as not taking a loan my senior year. 

http://www.careerbuilder.com/jobs-entry-level-in-raleigh,nc?emp=jtft%2Cjtfp&pay=20

i would prefer to stay in greenville (hopefully living with maggie  and the gang) but am willing to commute for an hour.. so that means i can most likely find a job in raleigh... i can move there if need be, although i know it would be more expensive. 

Faerie came out to play at work

So last night I was supposed to work 4-11... i switched shifts with someone so that i only worked 4-9:30. why? because i had a manic episode so intense i didn't think i would make it to 11 (or even 9:30 for that matter) without exploding.

I couldn't stand still. I paced every second i wasn't ringing someone up.

Nothing was moving fast enough.... i couldn't scan fast enough, the computer was too slow, NOTHING was fast enough.

I had to hold my arms behind my back and dig my nails into the soft part of my arms to prevent myself from destroying anything.

I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from yelling/snapping at people and to stop myself from just quitting my job.

I was so angry. So energetic... i had so much energy i was shaking. I couldn't focus on anything unless i was hurting myself to focus my thoughts. I felt like i needed to break my skin to let the energy out ----- i didn't.

I somehow remained in control but just barely.

even the new guy who knows nothing about me could tell i wasn't okay.

It was so hard to keep her (manic me/faerie) under control.


I really didn't want to. It would have been Euphoric to give in... but i probably would have gone to jail haha.

totally not funny. It was terrifying. I didn't know if i would be able to make it to 9:30... i wasn't scared of myself per say... i was scared of what i would end up doing as her.  I was scared of the consequences.


But like most faerie moments.... as intense as it was, it was short lived. It lasted maybe 4-8:30... in which case i was still manic but not nearly as intensely. I was still a little bit manic when i went to bed at midnight.

woke up totally fine. I'm in the purple again. I was fire-hydrant red for about 4 hours. that was scary.... i honestly could have hurt someone. (most likely myself)


i'm okay now, but i figured i should probably blog about it.

Missing her

So lauren is in Texas to be with her dieing grandfather. She could be gone anywhere from a week to a month.

She's been gone for a day and I already miss her.

I've thought about her all day haha and resisted the urge to all her.

She called tonight and said the exact same thing ive been thinking

"I just wanted to hear your voice".

💙

Made my whole day better

words I can't say

I've come so close to saying those three words several times now.

"I love you"

its probably the most spoken phrase to leave my lips.

I say it at the end of every phone call to my friends and family
I say it when i say goodbye


but i can't say it when i'm dating someone because the words take on a new meaning.

I've almost said them to lauren, on more than one occasion. I've had the urge to just text them to her.
but i don't think i'm in love.

I think i'm on my way, (see the clift post i made a little bit ago) but i don't think i'm there yet.

then again, I don't know. I haven't actually been in love with someone since Jake.
And i've made a point not to say "I love you" to someone i'm dating because of that reason.

How do i know when i'm in love? I know i'm definitely falling... because everything seems so heightened and real and terrifying.

I want to talk to her about it, but she is going through some really serious stuff right now in regards to people she loves and their health.

Being with her is so comforting and so scary and i don't even know what to say or do.


in the past with people I was fine until i actually started to care and then i get nervous and scared and mess up all the time...


i don't want to mess this up.
I don't know what to do in this situation...

like...

i think i'm falling in love and I want to say it so bad.

but how do i know?

2 Narrative Poems

Traveling Notebook: #6 Cemetery 

I walk through the yellowing grass,
it lays like a blanket over the coffins sleeping below.
The headstones act as beckons for those who wish to visit the souls that are no longer here.
For a moment I am among the old bones, until suddenly I am staring at the new.

My friend Carson lies forever sleeping in his coffin,
his eyes closed and looking almost purple - bruised.
He is so still he resembles a wax figure or a doll,
My friend is no longer there; this is but an empty shell.

My thoughts keep me in the church, staring at his pale form
while my watering eyes are searching for the names on the stones,
My feet shuffle on the grass, much in the same way they did in the church
while I waited in line to say goodbye to my friend for the last time.

The cemetery is beautiful,
It lies undisturbed off of a country road in goldsboro.
I look at it one last time as I climb into my girlfriend's car
watching it disappear in the rearview mirror once more.

As it fades, so does my pain.
Carson is resting under a blanket of earth, although I don't know where.
Unlike the quiet graves I have just seen I know he will be visited regularly,
but not by me.


Broken Road to you

I'm driving down the highway on my way back home from her house,
The yellow lines in the road lulling me to a mindset of meditation.
 headlights illuminating the way for my thoughts,
My mind travels on another plane, speeding as fast as my car.

Life has taken me along a road riddled with pit stops,
as I maneuvered my way around I became stuck at different points,
My heart feeling every jolt, causing it to grow more fearful every time.
A broken road full of firsts.

The first speed bump was Jake,
all the laughter and innocence of true love shine bright in my mind like a sun.
His fiery red hair and protectiveness made me feel safe and alive,
My first love, my first heartbreak, my former best friend.

Second came Katie,
The excitement of dating a girl and not hiding who I was,
It was freeing and exhilarating. But I was her secret.
My first girlfriend, my first experience at true rejection of my faith

Then came Bree
Attraction almost instantly, it was like electricity.
Years of conversations and a blossoming friendship.
My first missed chance, but closest confidant.

A green light with Staci.
Being introduced by chance and immediately know there was something there.
A kind and compassionate step, a true possibility.
My first serious girlfriend. My first time in bed...

Then the sudden red light that was Corie.
Everything was new and exciting. I learned so much.
Learning about the tarot cards and the art of seduction.
The first time I realized something was wrong with me.

Next was Kennedy, a deep pothole.
She told me she was a player, I tried so hard to be good enough.
I never stood a chance, she was taken long before we ever started going out.
The first time I was ever taken for a fool, forever making me paranoid.

Then I thought the lane ended with Kris...
Exciting is an understatement. She seemed so wonderful, with blue eyes electric...
Flirting and warm - a instant hold upon me, but suddenly ice cold and distant.
The first time being told I "wouldn't be able to handle" someone. Rejection as a birthday present.

Finally I have Lauren
It is as if the gods have made her perfect for me. Venus answering my prayers.
Compassionate and caring, humorous and undaunted.
For the first time, I am good enough.

The car jerks and bounces as I pull into my neighborhood,
The street is riddled with potholes launching me back into my body,
Back to the steering wheel in my hand and the pedal benwath my foot.
In a minute I am home.

Here we go again...

My Bain is revolting against me.

Continuing with my new method of explaining my bipolar... my purple is mostly blue right now.

Insecurities are barating me.
Anxiety is setting into my muscles and chest.
I have the urge to curl up in a ball and receade from everything and everyone.
I'm over analyzing every minute of today.

Ugh.

One moment happened earlier which sent a strike of blue into my brain and it's been growing ever since. Now it's taking over.

I really need to learn how to access the red, so I can combat this when it happens.

I really hate this part of bipolar.

Climbing up

I don't know if this is just infatuation or if it's the beginning of falling....

Infatuation is fast and intense and passionate... I was def infatuated with kris.

But with lauren? It's steady, it's not chaotic with drastic up and downs.. it's safe and comforting. I want to see her all the time but it's not like a drug, it's a nice feeling. I miss her, but it's not going to drive me crazy.

I feel a steady attachment to lauren growing. It has a pace I can actually keep tack of.. it makes sense. Granted I'm getting very attatched, very soon. I'm a bit nervous and hesitant, butt at the same time it's a risk I want to take.

I don't think it's just infatuation, because it's not chaotic and illogically intense; I think I may be discovering that it is very possible that I will fall in love with lauren. I'm not there yet, but if love is the drop at the end of the Clift? I'm climbing my way up, and I'm actually not afraid to jump down when I do get to the top. I'm nervous and insecure; so insecure but at the same time she reassures me.

I can ctualky see real possibilities with her.

However it's been less than a month and I should not be feeling this as early as it is in the game. That's how I get hurt - every time. 

But I can't help it. I'm making my way up the trail, let just hope that if I do make it to the top, and fall in love with her... I won't get hurt this time... 

I still have a long way to go before I comfortably say "I'm in love"... but I'm almost where I can can say "I'm starting to fall.."

personality factors

Took a personality factor quiz.... found it quite accurate except for the imagination... i feel like i should have scored higher.

warmth: 75

intellect: 75

emotional stability 50

assertiveness 63

gregariousness 69

dutifulness 50

friendliness 75

sensitivity 69

distrust 31

imagination 56

reserve 25

anxiety 81

complexity 81

self reliance 63

orderliness 44

emotionality 56 (what even is this?)

another health problem

So.... After going to the clinic for the flu.... and then possible pink eye... i have been avoiding going back due to swelling in my throat. Naturally i figure, its my lymph nodes fighting off a possible sinus infection.. well its only on one side now and its so painful. I've actually reached back there and pressed it (it secretes a mucus-like substance) and come to find out its actually a linguistic tonsil thats inflamed... which means...back to the clinic i go... they are going to think i'm a hypochondriac.... but i'm so done with this pain.


its making me cough more.
it hurts to swallow.
it hurts to eat.
it hurts to talk.

It feels like i have a stone siting at the base of my tongue that i just can't swallow.

let me explain

so let me explain something.

there are 2 Lisas in my brain. Both are still me, both are Lisa; but each one thinks and processes things differently. Its almost as if each sees a different color. Lisa 1 sees everything in blue and Lisa 2 sees everything in red. Both are Lisa but have different perceptions.

Lisa 1 - BLUE
- compassionate
-playful
-empathetic
-proud
-emotional
- openly vulnerable
-places others before self
-warm
-lives and focuses on relationships with others
- primary purpose is to help others
-want to teach/boost others
-apologizes a lot
- protective but passive
-Depressive
- Hufflepuff


Lisa 2 - RED
- instinctive
-mischievous
- distant
-vain
- emotional but not in the same way. what scares Lisa 1 may excite Lisa 2.
-vulnerable but hides it VERY well.
-looks after own interest
- colder in personality
-lives to have control; over situations, over people, etc
-primary focus... unknown.
-ambitious. advancement of self is priority, but will gladly help others along the way.
-
-protective but aggressive
-Manic
-slytherin

I always have these 2 lisas in my head. always. think of it like yin and yang. or... back to blue and red. Most of the time i'm a nice purple.... sometimes the purple has more red in it.... sometimes the purple has more blue... but purple is my average. Then there is sometimes when I go almost all blue. Then there are times when I go almost all red - this is rare. I don't usually go all red. I'm usually purple, a balance of the 2 perceptions in my mind, blue and red thoughts going through me evenly.

Does this make sense? Well Lisa 2, the RED thoughts in my brain..... thats what i call my faerie side.

so when i talk about how my faerie came out or having to rely on or become "the faerie"... it just means that i had to go more red than purple or blue.

now this could just be another way i interpret my bipolar. except that this is something that i can sometimes control.

I can sometimes force myself to think is mostly red, sometimes it just happens naturally. .

I got asked by a close friend of mine.... "What do you want?"


I want to be recognized. all of me. I want those who are closest to me to know that i have these 2 sides in me, and sometimes they become unbalanced and it changes my thinking and behavior. The me that everyone knows is the "purple". sometimes when i'm in a depressive phase i become "blue". I rarely become "red" because it scares me... but i'm learning to deal with it.

Faerie sighted

I started freaking out at work. It was so bad... but I kept it all in my head. I ended up using my faerie side in order to get myself together. And it was great. I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. I could think more clear, I felt a bit stronger, I had a bit more energy and I wasn't dizzy anymore.

Granted, I was pretty much set on "pissed" in order to power through being sick. The longer she was my perception the better I felt. I could feel my depression slipping away, and as she began to enjoy herself the better our mood became. No longer irritable, we wanted to play. 

Instead we sun bathed and people watched until it was time for class, at which time she faded, leaving me feeling sick once again, but in a better mental state. 

Fortunately I can feel her in the back of my mind. Usually I can't feel her at all unless she is needed in an emergency, then she simply just appears. I have not yet mastered the art of calling her up at the drop of a hat. But now I feel less vulnerable, and I'm pleased at how fluid my mind feels right now.