cursed?

My brain keeps going back to a recent convo i had with maggie. She had been mad at me (i had suspected but wasn't sure) but she wasn't mad anymore - the main reason being that she had confided in me and  i had confided the information in defense of another person. Drama ensued and she got dragged into it.

so, rightfully so, she was mad at me. But she pulled me outside one night to tell me about it (i had no idea any of it had happened) and explained to me that she wasn't mad at me anymore. It mostly boiled down to the fact that she knew my heart was in a good place, that i had meant no harm, and that i was just simply naive.

But one thing that came out of the conversation is that she worries that because of my naivete, I would constantly be hurt - that i love and trust other more than they ever would me. When i told her that i always knew that i love others more than they would ever love me she looked sincerely upset and said "thats sad".

its the truth though.
I've always said it.

I can never fully believe that others love me the way that i love them. Because most of the time? they don't.

Everyone leaves eventually. I can't think of one close friend, or best friend for that matter, that i have been able to hold onto for more than 5 years. (aside from jake. that lasted 7 years... but now we are 100% strangers so....)

the maximum average is 3 years. People will stay in my life for maybe 3 years before they're gone.

I use to say that the good times with others was worth the pain that came when they left my life. I fully believed that. It made me feel better about being naive and allowing myself to love completely.

but then at times like this all the pain resurfaces all at once.


When i say that i love someone and they say it back I pretend to believe them - even though i know they don't mean it.

Then they leave.
People swear that they won't leave.
Everyone leaves.

as maggie put it, i am so naive i open myself up to pain because i love everyone more than they love me, but I can't turn it off without ceasing to be myself.

why is it that no one can love me? honestly really love me.
unconditionally the way that i love them?
Why do i let myself delude myself into believing people when they say they love me?
I think "maybe this time is different." but its not. it never is.

I miss all of them. I still have a few people. But I'd give it maybe another year or so before they go too.

why can't i actually be loved?
Why do i love them so much that i cant let them go? I wish i could.

why do i let hope make me pretend not to notice how hollow the words "i love you" are?
 Why does it feel like i'm cursed?

bland

life feels.... kind of bland.

Since i no longer have a day job, i stay up super late and sleep all day. get up, eat, get about an hour, maybe 2, of house work (packing and cleaning for the move) and go to work. Work till 11, come home and spend an hour or two with jimmie before he has to go to bd.... either stay up and watch netflix with diana or go home...

repeat.

I'm glad jimmie is happy with his new job. I am. It is so easy to see how much happier he is.

but i miss him. and if this is just a taste of how its going to be? it sucks. cuddles on the couch for an hour or two. then bed.  If im lucky, i get to see him on his lunch break.

Maybe i;m just emotional since im going to start my cycle soon. but it makes me sad. I already miss spending the day with him; running errands, watching shows, just... being with him. And yes, eventually that will fade and i will get use to just seeing him for a few hours a day. I just got spoiled i guess.

but i know myself. it mans that  i am going to start isolating myself so that i stop missing him. It also means bottling up anything going wrong because i don't want to ruin the time that i do get to spend with him.

bury things and isolation.

maybe im just being pessimistic.
i don't know.


I do know that everything is fading to a dull grey. I'm losing motivation to do anything. im bored, i miss my boyfriend, and life seems bland.

Movin up

So I live out of my apartment in 8 days.

Move into my new one in 11.

Also I got made bartender at the restaurant; and I finally quit Foodlion.


Movin up in the world.

Cook out

We had the work cook out today.

Me, Jimmie, Amy, brooks, mike and Alex all in one place... everyone being civil - and dare I say friendly?

It made me really nostalgic. Reminded me just how much I miss them all. My heart was pretty much in my stomach the entire night.

I wish we lived in an ideal world. I miss my former friends.
I miss them all.