My brain keeps going back to a recent convo i had with maggie. She had been mad at me (i had suspected but wasn't sure) but she wasn't mad anymore - the main reason being that she had confided in me and i had confided the information in defense of another person. Drama ensued and she got dragged into it.
so, rightfully so, she was mad at me. But she pulled me outside one night to tell me about it (i had no idea any of it had happened) and explained to me that she wasn't mad at me anymore. It mostly boiled down to the fact that she knew my heart was in a good place, that i had meant no harm, and that i was just simply naive.
But one thing that came out of the conversation is that she worries that because of my naivete, I would constantly be hurt - that i love and trust other more than they ever would me. When i told her that i always knew that i love others more than they would ever love me she looked sincerely upset and said "thats sad".
its the truth though.
I've always said it.
I can never fully believe that others love me the way that i love them. Because most of the time? they don't.
Everyone leaves eventually. I can't think of one close friend, or best friend for that matter, that i have been able to hold onto for more than 5 years. (aside from jake. that lasted 7 years... but now we are 100% strangers so....)
the maximum average is 3 years. People will stay in my life for maybe 3 years before they're gone.
I use to say that the good times with others was worth the pain that came when they left my life. I fully believed that. It made me feel better about being naive and allowing myself to love completely.
but then at times like this all the pain resurfaces all at once.
When i say that i love someone and they say it back I pretend to believe them - even though i know they don't mean it.
Then they leave.
People swear that they won't leave.
Everyone leaves.
as maggie put it, i am so naive i open myself up to pain because i love everyone more than they love me, but I can't turn it off without ceasing to be myself.
why is it that no one can love me? honestly really love me.
unconditionally the way that i love them?
Why do i let myself delude myself into believing people when they say they love me?
I think "maybe this time is different." but its not. it never is.
I miss all of them. I still have a few people. But I'd give it maybe another year or so before they go too.
why can't i actually be loved?
Why do i love them so much that i cant let them go? I wish i could.
why do i let hope make me pretend not to notice how hollow the words "i love you" are?
Why does it feel like i'm cursed?
Note: You do have people that love you, and that don't plan on leaving you. You may also have people that love you more then how much you care for them. I don't think you're cursed, I think you always end up letting the wrong people into your life.
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