Aine appreciation post

So... in the same way that Set is the god to set Amy's life on fire to promote much needed growth and start the momentum needed ("crash your bike" as she would say) Aine does the same for me.

Honestly She is a fantastic deity. She's loving and kind and nurturing.... but she will make drastic shit happen to kick your ass in gear.

I wanted the tension between Jimmie and I to disipate after a fight.... i pray and literally THAT NIGHT i get a sore throat. by the next morning i'm siiiiiiiiiick.... seeing me sick made all tensions disapear and he was nothing but loveing and nurturing.

but i was also sick for almost a month.


She is the reason i got into the sociology grad school...which ultimatley lead me to go into the buiness grad school.

She is who i go to when i need help being brave to do something or need help to get the ball rolling on something.


but there is a part of her I haven't engaged, and honestly I don't know how to or how she is going to get it going..

 "She teaches us, most importantly, to love ourselves. That is one of the most important life lessons. You can never truly love another person until you love yourself. Áine teaches us to stand proud and to never shy away from our reflections" ( source 1)

I've been trying to be more accepting of my body and loving of this human body in this life. I've started trying to do zumba. I've also somehow, i don't know when, grown more accepting of the good and bad aspects of my personality. When I was reading that book, even though it brought to light some very negative aspects I have and will almost certainly have in the future, I never became upset. I recognized that it was accurate and just... accepted it. I never use to be able to do that.

I almost wonder if Fae being dormant has less to do with my relationship with jimmie and more to do with my becoming stronger as a person.

I have a long way to go before I am content with this body but I no longer well up with tears when I find new stretch marks on legs... or on my thighs ...or back. I have ALMOST started to see a kind of beauty to my curves. its a work in progress.


There is also the therapy appointment I scheduled. I honestly don't know why I was able to... or rather what pushed me, to set the appointment. I had had a conversation with amy the day before and somthing just clicked inside of me. Before I really knew what I was doing I was dialing the number and setting the appointment.

I had had several conversations with amy in the past about needing therapy to help get rid of the trauma. none of those times actually made me want to do it or inspired me to do it.

Something deep inside of me said "its fucking time".
and i'm scared. Ive carried this trauma around with me for four years now. I've had fae with me for even longer than that and while I miss her i'm no longer afraid to go on without her. I don't know who i will be if the trauma is gone.

I'm so scared. I dont know what trauma therapy will be like and I don't know what to expect. I don't know how talking about what happened will make the flashbacks stop. Or how it will make me be able to ask for things and vocalize more.

but you know who is known for helping people, especially women, who have been abused or suffered trauma?

Aine.


and while Aine doe not provide everything I need from a deity (enter demeter and on occasion Mab) she is very much who i need in my life.

 I'm wondering how often she exerts soft influences that I'm not aware of in contrast to her tower (tarot card) like influences. How much of this self acceptance is from her help?

I know she is said to be able to help people with spirituality... but i havn't been able to connect with her on that front (yet?) - and she literally told me that divination is "not my thing" (enter demeter ;) ) I wonder if Mab (Faerie Queen) will help me spiritually or if there is another goddess I will find when I get to that stage in my life.

I don't know if she will help me connect to the faerie world and fae beings... she herself is one but i kind of get the feeling that her goal is to help me connect with my humanity.

because you know who was famous for her unconditional love of humans?

Aine.

and maybe she is the one I need to be learning from the most.

at least for the time being.

astrology/deity thoughts?

okay so... I'm a Sagittarius sun sign... its my zodiac.

but somehow i'm also a Sagittarius dominant and Jupiter dominant (Sagittarius)..

the female aspect of Jupiter is Jun (Hera)


the Celtic equivalent to Hera is The Morrigan..

guess who is considered the maiden aspect of the Morrigan (who is a triple goddess)?

Aine.




Fuck yeah makes sense.


I found a really good astrology book in barnes and nobel that I was reading and would occasionally (all the time) show jimmie.

super accruate...but in order to actually have it be super accurate you have to not only read your sun sign but also your dominant signs as well.

so like... I'm sagitarius, sagitarius, sagitarius..... the sagitarius female chapter of the book was 98% accurate and it was very intense to read because it called me out on things I have never articulated to myself, let alone anyone else... but it was there plainly stated in the book.


meanwhile Jimmie (a taurus) was reading the taurus male chapter and said only like... a maximum of 60% was right for him and he didn't even finish the chapter. But he is also a Scorpio and Pluto dominant. so... Jimmie is a scorpio/scorpio tarus.

I feel like he will get a much more accurate feel from the scorpio chapter.


either way... I bought the book. And I figured that we could read the chapters together and discuss what we thought were hella accurate and what isn't accurate. I figured it would be a cutye little date.... which could turn south because the book does NOT shy away from listing ALL of the negative aspects and painting the reader in a negative light. I thought it was funny but Jimmie has the potential to get really upset.

but i am super excited. I think overall its gonna be fun.

What happens?

if a relationship is a house, bricks laid  with every day spent together, furnished with memories both good and bad. A house seemingly strong, Having weathered storms and remained standing. What happens when a gust of wind breaks the security system... ?

There are no visible threats. Only the anxiety of future burglars.

When the security breaks without warning, with no clear way to fix it, what then?

Sick...

okay so I tuition had told me that my body was fighting getting sick for a while. I could almost feel my immune system weakening..

And then I got a cold.

No biggie. Being sick sucks but a cold comes and goes.

Got a baba reading and almost everything she said was in regards to my health.

Well I’ve been over the cold for like a week and now allergies have been bombarding me.

My concern is my lungs. The cold made my sinuses drain into my lungs and now my allergies are causing the same thing.
I have a steady cough but I don’t know if I’m coughing things up fast enough to prevent anything from settling.

I had a fever with the cold.... and today I sparked another fever.

This will make week...3? Of feeling sick/repercussions of being sick.

I’m not gonna lie.. I’m a little worried about bronchitis.

Oh and I think I have a yeast infection.

story idea?

a young medical student is writing a report about how medieval medicine recipies sometimes worked and leads her to find corpse medicine as well... she and her friend decide to try some out - afterall there were so many to cure "headaches"

main character thinks all is a joke and never actually takes anything.
her friend does.
...
...
...

friend becomes...

zombie?
vampire?
demon?
ghoul?

friend/ghoul starts to kill people... main character has to hunt ghoul down... leading her into the world of the super natural...

^ Prologue.


Present : open

College student... grad? undergrad? post grad?
on campus super late over a holiday break --  has keys to building and lab.
anthropology? history? folklore?

gets attacked walking home and she gets saved by a group of people: 2 women and 1 man. the man is.... one necromancer, one shawoman, and the guy.... half ghoul?

turns out main character has bite.. will turn into ghoul within 3 full moons. The guy tells of how he got saved.. byt the witch doctor.

they have to hunt down and find the witch doctor who deals in the supernatural to heal... but he was lucky and was found by the doctor within a month of being bitten... time is of the essence.

the time starts now.

Clear things up

It’s been revealed that there have been a lot of misunderstandings going on in our relationship.

You conveniently forgot a very important conversation that we had in January and since then I have been under the illusion we were on the same page.

Three days ago I found out we were not.  Last night I found out we were VERY not.
Our last two talks/arguments revealed my being hurt and how I felt about the misunderstandings.

I want to hear your side.

- do you actually understand why I am upset?
- what do you HONESTLY want from this relationship?
- what can I do to make this relationship better?
- what are you willing to compromise on for the sake of this relationship?

What’s wrong with me

Why is whenever I’m in a relationship and the other person hurts me I’m always the one who ends up feeling like I have to apologize.

It’s not anything the other person does.

It’s me. I’m angry but then I feel guilty and suddenly I feel like I’m the one to blame.

Like this things with Jimmie and his habit of being inappropriate with Jess. I thought he had learned when it broke him and Amy up but apparently not.

Knowing his history and after being warned by two different tarot card readings along with a comment he made recently... I checked his messages (not something I did lightly) and confirmed my suspicions.

We talk about it and he’s the one who hurt me. So why do I feel apologetic?

He said that I didn’t make him feel wanted which.. I can’t because #asexual. But that can’t actually be the reason because Jess wasn’t returning his sentiment.

So what else am I not providing him? What did I do wrong?
I wish I had just left it alone because now he’s distant and I’m just over here an emotional mess.

My feelings are hurt and I just want reassurance and I feel like there’s this ten foot wall between us.
All I can do is cry and try not to think of the whole bottle of lorazepam in my apartment.

I have too much work to do to numb my brain out and go to sleep.

But that’s all I want. I want to be numb. I just want to not feel anything.