A lot of people find dominant personalities attractive. I always have... the aura of power they give off makes me feel
safe and secure. Their visible confidence and the "I protect all within my control" vibe is sexy and alluring. I have
always been interested in dominant people, as are a lot of others out there... however there is a really important
lesson that I didn't know: there is a very dangerous difference between a dominant person and a domineering person.
**define domineering vs dominant*
- insert Chart: dominant vs domineering behaviors compared -
An example of something Domineering that Camilla would do was exert control until she had her way. She did this
once when things were tense between us by taking me for a long walk to clear the air. She always said that clear
communication was important, ironically this only applied to what she wanted to communicate. We got into the car
and she was displeased that I was being distant in my body language. I was close to the door, my hands were either
in my lap or my arms were crossed, I can't remember which one. I remember being slightly uncomfortable because
she had insisted on driving and on going for this walk even though it was already getting dark. I get scared
walking in the woods in low light or night time because I have very poor dark vision.
When we got there she tried to hold my hand and I was reluctant to do so, we held hands for only a few minutes
before giving up. I voiced my unease at how dark it was getting but she said that we would walk and wouldn't go
home until she was satisfied that we were "okay". She mentioned how I wasn't holding her hand in the car and that
I had been distant lately and she didn't like it. She wanted me to be more affectionate and how I was when we first
started dating.
I tried to talk about how things were uncomfortable in the bedroom and how I felt like she was ignoring my
boundaries but she chalked it up to me "not trusting" her and telling me it was my own fault. She launched into how
dissatisfied she was in the bedroom and how she couldn't get off if I wasn't getting off. She didn't like how soon I
stopped her when we were having sex and insisted that if I just let it go longer then I would get past my body's
weirdness (which is what we called my asexuality before I knew it was an actual thing). She went on about how
things would just be easier if I started doing more on my own time so that I knew what my body liked and she could
get me off finally ( she wanted me to masturbate - something I had, and have, no desire to do - this was a constant
fight we had).
I finally stopped trying to defend myself because I was tired of how she flipped it back on me and just started nodding.
I told her i would try harder. By this time we had walked a lot farther than I was comfortable with, we didn't exactly know
where we were, and it was super dark. Once I started telling her what she wanted to hear she deemed that we could
turn back and walk to the car... which was miles away. We held hands and talked about mindless nothings on the way
back, I was just relieved to be going home. I tried to make my body language more open when we were back in the car,
tried to make my hand and arm relax as she held it while driving so that I wouldn't give away how uncomfortable I was.
What she did wasn't abusive. It was domineering. She had total control and I knew exactly how powerless I was. I was
scared on the walk, having to rely on her to be my eyes. I was angry when she kept refusing to turn back, something i
was to scared to do on my own. I felt helpless and scared, angry at my own helplessness and that her refusal to listen
to me had gotten us lost. The worst part was that it achieved what I think her goal was the entire time... I felt defeated.
After that situation I stopped arguing with her so often out of fear she would do something like that again. My already f
ragile self esteem began to plummet almost instantly. The long walk back was almost like foreshadowing on how the
rest of the relationship would be, Camilla leading the way and me growing more
quiet and diminished.
I remember feeling like there was a squirming weight on my chest... almost like the time I went snorkeling and realized
my only air supply was through a small tube. I remember it clearly as I write this. I want to call it panic but it's much
quieter of a feeling... it burns almost as if I am drowning and my lungs are filling with water. I wanted to disappear or to
wake up and find that what just happened was just a nightmare. I knew that what I was feeling meant that something
wasn't right but I also couldn't pinpoint what was wrong either. This only contributed to my confusion and sense of
helplessness. This physical symptom, one I had experienced before when having a depressive episode, should have
been enough. If a relationship makes you depressed, then it's one that should be ended. I felt bound and obligated to
her... Looking back I wish I could talk to my younger self. I wish I had talked to someone about what was happening.
Following our talk, I realized is when our relationship turned even more toxic and I just took the abuse. I started
dissociating more and more whenever we fooled around in the bedroom. I started faking sounds and traumatizing my
body to try and last longer when she decided she wanted to have sex - to this day I still can't stop myself from faking
sounds of pleasure when I have sex. It became a survival method... the more noise I made the less reluctant and
aggravated she was when I would ask her to stop. I would allow things to go on far longer than was physically
comfortable every single time... this is what would later cause me to have physically triggered panic attacks and made
me realize I might have PTSD.
Camilla up to that point had been aggressive and coercive in the bedroom, but I had been challenging her and standing
up for myself. With a single power move she broke the fighting spirit that I had... and this is the danger of dating a
domineering person. Domineering people are far more likely to become abusive. Common red flags and warning signs
that abusers give off also align with domineering behavior, including a need for control. Often times an abuser will often
exert control over how their victim acts and dresses, as well as where they go and who they associate with. While
Camilla never said that I couldn't go out with friends, she always made it seem like she should be there with me
since we were a unit. She occupied all of my free time - something I willingly complied with because I thought it was
normal to spend every waking minute possible with your partner. Another warning sign that abusers will display is a
lack of respect for personal boundaries and privacy - going through a partner's phone and making accusations meant
to manipulate and control the victims behavior in an attempt to prove their innocence. The latter being an example of
emotional manipulation and abuse. While not all domineering personality typed people go on to become abusers,
domineering behavior runs parallel with abusive behavior because both lack a very important feature: respect for the
emotions and needs of others. So, where does domineering cross the line into abuse?
-insert research statistics and quotes here-
**** https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/lesbianrx/factsheet.shtml******
https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/domestic-violence-and-the-lgbtq-community
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6113571/
*** https://connect.springerpub.com/content/sgrpa/3/3/286 -- see if I can find this article in the library
Sexual abuse by a woman partner has been reported by up to 50% of lesbians (12).
Psychological abuse has been reported as occurring at least one time by 24% to 90% of lesbians (1,5,6,11,14).
- insert chart-
type of abuse: examples
- physical - common examples ive seen or heard about
-emotional - competing with her loves from the past that she was still in love with, "you cried so i know your serious",
manipulating me into feeling guilty about stopping sex, complaining about how unsatisfied she was sexually
-mental and verbal - examples ive seen and witnessed
-sexual - coercion. ignoring of boundaries. the fight about anal play. "the incident"
this will then launch into symptoms that made me realize I need help.
