Day Dreaming

 okay lets daydream a little bit. 

Clearing land: 5000

Buying and installing septic tank/system: 15000

So to get land ready alone is: 20000. 

A 300,000 House loan estimated for Washington state with 0% down would be about 2100 a month; principle + interest+ mortgage insurance+home insurance+ property tax. Doesn't factor in HOA.

40000x.85=34000/12 = 2800 a month after taxes. 

2800

-150 month car insurance (guestimation)

-200 car payment. 

- 50 (phone should still work?)

- 45 cats

- 100 gas

-150 student loan

- 350 groceries/eating out/coffee

- 100 utilities (split 2 ways)

- 300 health insurance

- 100 savings

--------------------------------

1255 is what I could contribute to the rent/mortgage. 

Dalton could probably contribute more. 

But together we could manage 2100 in mortgage. With Chandler (if she comes with us) we could do even more. 

Now how much could we actually spend on land + manufactured home?

300,000

-20000

----------------

280,000

-100,000 Land

----------------

180,000 for a modular home. (3 bed 2 bath minimum, double vanity)

Lets say 150,000 so that we have wiggle room to transport it, buy appliances, landscaping

**Might have to look for homes in Oregon and transport them....

https://www.thehomesdirect.com/washington/all-manufacturers/3-bedrooms/all-sections/P12?price-from=30000&price-to=155000&sqft-from=1133&sqft-to=3000&bathrooms=2&orderby_sort=home_price%7Casc

not happening.

 I'm Definitely not pregnant. 

My period being so weird made me actually pause and consider the possibility but i'm bleeding again. 

I would argue that this is how I would normally bleed towards the end of my period. So it was a very odd one... but I've had a period. I'm not pregnant. 

And I'm sad. 

The letter that Brigid had me write to my future baby made me realize how much I want to have a child. How much I want to hear a little voice call me "mommy". I already love her/him (pretty sure it's her). For a moment I felt the spirit of my future baby. Strong willed, but spontaneous and playful. I can't wait to meet them. 

That being a mom is a way of serving her. So she made me aware of how much I really do want to be a mom.

As terrifying as it would be to suddenly find myself unexpectedly pregnant, I know that somehow I could make it work. 

I'm sad. But I know that ultimately its for the best; the timing wouldn't have been right anyway. 

Admitted it.

- Something is different about my body. Something just FEELS DIFFERENT. I feel fuller. 

- STARVING and then within an hour of eating nauseous/indigestion. Like its not enough to yak, but its close. 

- heartburn???? I never get heartburn. 

- random bouts of fatigue and super mild vertigo + mental fog. it's like out of nowhere I feel drunk/drugged. 

- gassy...

- Boobs aren't sore, but feel full. I don't think they've gotten bigger though, that I could notice.

- Dreams. I dream of children and keep seeing signs of pregnancy all around me. 

- WEIRD period. as in... I only bled for a day. minor spotting (i would barely even call it that) on the day before I was supposed to start. Then nothing on the day it was supposed to start. Day 2 I bled heavy. Day 3 and 4 - nothing whatsoever; no blood and no spotting. Day 5... minor spotting? 

- E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L

- Cramping

I know that I'm not. 

I am not Pregnant. 

But the test I took easily could have been a false negative because I took it in the middle of the day after drinking a boatload of water to make myself pee. So I am waiting a week after my period was supposed to have started and I will do it properly - first thing in the morning. 

I know it will be negative. And I know i'm probably going to cry. Tears of disappointment. Tears of confusion at all the mixed emotions I have and will feel acutely in the moment.  confusion at all the signs life has been giving me lately. Tears of relief. Relief at not having to tell Dalton I'm pregnant. Relief that i don't have the financial burden of pregnancy at a time when I REALLY can't afford it. Relief that the responsibility of parenthood hasn't shown up just yet. 

I will feel such bittersweet relief... because as much as it means my life won't be complicated just yet and I'm not going to lose my hopefully future husband... it means I'm not pregnant and I'm realizing that secretly I hope that I am. 

But again; all these things I am experiencing have other implications. It's just subconscious-becoming-conscious confirmation bias. I know this. It sucks but i also know that this is not the right time. 

but what do i do, now that i have admitted this to myself?

I am going to burst

 It is so frustrating. 

I like the atmosphere of my job. I like that it is laid back and accommodating. I like that I can take time off when I need to for doctors appointments or if a personal matter arises, without having to give  2 week-months notice. I like that I have the ability to do school work in my free time.... but I would rather I actually have work to do. 

i got fussed at/was given a polite warning about how much I look at non work related things on the computer at work. About doing my school work. 

it's because I don't have anything to do. I wouldn't be doing my homework If I had something else to do. 

Today, before 3pm I:- swept- filed- SOTU week 5 assignments. - Food and Beverage Quiz- Lodging Quiz

If you don't want me to be looking up dog breeds, or looking into real estate in washington, or doing my homework or playing on my phone... 

GIVE. ME. SOMETHING. TO. DO. 

I know I need to stay at this job until I graduate but I am going to go insane. When he pulled me to the side to acknowledge how much I have been doing other things I so badly wanted to explain:

I am doing this to occupy my mind and time. I am just trying to keep busy.

If I am at work... I want to fucking work. Like. Fuck. Please give me something to do other than wait for the phone to ring or for someone to walk in.