July update

 Monthly update:

• I am alive lol
• I lost my rent money (lost money order) and am stressing until i get it refunded. Pray for me. I can't afford to just lose 500$. 
• I did a cord cutting with Viking Man; we are still friends and I still have lots of love for him, but I am not in love with him anymore. I do not feel as strong of an attachment; if he wants to sleep with other people it won't hurt so bad now. 
• Aaron moved to New Orleans. 
• I have really grown close with new friends I met through the D&D Game; Ellis and Cyrus. 
• I have choreographed my debut dance number for Underground presents (the queer performance group Ellis runs). I will be debuting as a burlesque dancer with the stage name "Ace of Hearts". 
• We have a drag show tomorrow, I am a tip kitten, that's Disney themed and I am super excited. I'm being Marie from Aristocats. 

honestly I have kind of forgotten what it feels like to be surrounded by a overtly queer community... how safe and light it feels even when discussing heavier, darker matters. It's just relaxed, loving, and supportive. I feel really lucky to have met them.

• Still Planning to move after December but its looking like for sure wilmington. I still really want to go to Cleveland but I think I have to wait a few years until I pay off my car. I might fly up there over the next few years to check it out... but after Wilmington it will either be Cleveland or Florida. As is, I look forward to Wilmington a lot. 

I think I may give up the 9-5 business life. While having steady pay is nice, I am going stir crazy. I miss having freedom during the day, I miss the excitement and hustle of bartending. I may transition back to being a bartender/server when I move to wilmington... it's the right city for it. Tourism keeps it booming in the summer, the students keep it booming the rest of the year. I may be a full time bartender and then offer readings on the side through one of the witchy shops. Or I may jump on the fast food train and become a manager of a fast food chain like cookout. 

Or I will stay with the steady 9-5 M-F so I can at least keep my weekends... be like a receptionist at a doctors office or something.  Steady and reliable pay. Safe. And who knows maybe I'll find a place that keeps me occupied or will let me read when it's slow. 

I will need to make $16 an hour at 40 hours to be comfortable. Or roughly 640 a week through various means. 

• I am cat sitting for Cara; her cat has injured mine and thankfully i was able to get the infection to drain so no expensive emergency vet bill. He constantly bullies Smokey for his food. Randomly attacks and chases Humu. His behavior improved  after she came to visit him (something I had to ask her to do) and he more or less got along with my boys. He is attacking them again and I got into an argument with her about her needing to visit him again. Even if its just for 10 minutes - and preferably when I am not home. 

 Why when I'm not home? Because during her last visit, while eating the food I made for their lunch she proceeded to say that I am unstable and only one step away from killing someone, therefore I should never be allowed to have a gun. 

She said this because when I was a fucking TEENAGER with RAGING HORMONES I actually wrote in my blog about wanting to kill her. EVERY teenager experiences a rise in aggression... mine just happened to be backed by bipolar. This was before I got stable on my medication. I was a KID. Does she take into account the almost decade of stability I've had? The clearance from therapy? The coping mechanisms I have now for my anger that I didn't have before? No. 

Do I still have violent thoughts? Yes. Am I tempted to act on them? 99% no. When I am tempted all I have to do is walk away - its that simple. I was tempted to slap the shit out her when she said this to me but I didn't. I was tempted to put her cat in her arms and kick her out right then and there. but I didn't. 

Because I'm a fucking stable adult. 

but no. 

To her I will remain as unstable as I was when I was a fucking kid just starting treatment for an unchecked mental illness. 

So yeah. After she moves into her new apartment and takes her asshole of a cat back, I'm done. No more favors. No more feeding her. No more walking her through things that require a simple google search that she apparently doesn't know how to  use. I'm done. 

I don't need that in my life. 

•  So yeah. Final Update: all but cutting off/out my toxic little sister who can't seem to admit she has a drinking problem, and in fact blatantly brags about not having one despite having two parents who are an addict. Apparently spending rent money so you can binge drink and party isn't a drinking problem. Ok sure. but you know what? Not my problem to worry about. not anymore. She can lie in the bed that her skewed priorities makes, and I will no longer be available to help her out of it. 

After all, I wouldn't want her to fear for her life anytime she's near me.