I release myself

from instagram:

*image that reads: I release myself from the versions of me that I created to survive*

More #reflection posts lol. I was talking with my therapist the other day about this very thing. How as a survival mechanism I am #hypervigilant about social standing & pecking order, & usually I place myself towards the bottom. Taking up as little space as possible. Being meek & small, muting my energy. So predators don’t notice me & protectors step in when needed. I energetically castrated myself, bcuz I began to believe myself to be as small & weak as I pretended to be. I either had to be hard & brutal or small & meek. I can be both. I can be loud. I can take up space. I don’t have to apologize for existing. I don’t have to water myself down for others, my worth is not defined by how much service I can provide to the people around me. #iamenough . I am #vibrant … & I can #forgivemyself for how I learned to survive & realize that I can let that go. I can stand out & May my vibrancy become my #aposematism

Progress; looking over the last year.

 Ya know… when I think about the things I still have to overcome and the things I’m missing in my life, I get sad. Almost hopeless. 

But then, I look back over this year. I went from a job that made me insane amounts of money but made me want to commit suicide... to a job that recognized my leadership ability and promoted me to manager after 3 months. 

I recognized my issues with co-dependency and how I no longer had a true identity as a person, and I’ve started reconnecting to things that made me, me. I have a VERY long way to go, but I’ve started therapy again, and this time I’m not going to give up on myself. 

I’m reconnecting to my gods. I’m not where I want to be spiritually, and I have to get past my fear of failure and issues with self worth that Christianity instilled in me… but I’m trying. My gods love me and I’m so grateful for their patience. The spirits that I work with are equally by my side. I’ve started developing the desire to connect to my ancestors. It’s slow work, but no matter how slow, I’m doing it. 

 Am growing as an artist. I had long given up my dream of being a writer. And while I doubt I’ll ever finish a book or get published, I’m rediscovering the joy it brings me. I’ve been developing myself as a burlesque dancer, and I’ve really begun to use performance art to help me process trauma and heal. My growth as an artist is easily one of my biggest accomplishments this year. 

I went from being isolated and alone, basing my identity and whole social world around a single person (who didn’t deserve the responsibility of that and ) who was incapable of supporting or loving me the way I needed to realizing my codependency was a crutch. I’ve stepped back from dating and started to finally give myself the love I desperately threw to others. I’ve reconnected and deepened friendships. I’ve found a family and developed a support system I thought I would never have. 

Moral of the story…. Life is funny. You go from being convinced you’ll marry someone to choosing to be alone. You’ll discover your worth. Realize your flaws and accept that it’s okay to need help to heal them. Discover community. So much progress and growth can happen in a year. Imagine what could happen if you actually have yourself a chance for A lifetime. 

 Don’t focus on how much you still have left to do, everything you are lacking. Focus on how far you’ve come. Be it a step or a mile. want everyone who actually read this to know; no matter how dark and hopeless life seems now…. Life can change. It can be so gradual you don’t notice until you’re halfway out of the pit. Don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on life. Give yourself the chance.

I’m back baby

 Okay so I’m going to try to get back into blogging. 

I’ve kind of turned my instagram into a blog so I’ll probably post on here what I post on there lol

So there is a lot to catch up on. Some of this may be a repeat but it looks like I’ve been super slack in this. 

I left the call center and got hired as an assistant property manager for a student living complex. Things seemed great at first but then the work environment grew very toxic because of my manager. I had 2 options:

1) stay quiet until she made me quit or she got me fired

2) go to her manager for help.

In the past I would have gone with option 1. But, and this is on growth, I went with option 2. We had a mediation session and things improved. But everyone could tell the peace wouldn’t hold up so my manager got transferred to another location (for multiple reasons). 

I was left as interim manager until the next one arrived. However the day after the new manager was supposed to start, and my 90 day milestone, I was told I had impressed them when I stepped up; they offered me the job. So now I am a property manager. 

As of two weeks ago, I’ve gotten back into therapy. The current goals are to address my lack of self worth and self love, which is an umbrella for a lot of things, a big one being my codependency. I’m also hoping to get some clarity on what I want for my future and what I want my life to be like. 

And now that I’m back in therapy…. I’ll be doing a lot more reflections. Which I love. Because when I’m reflective I’m happier. So, sorry I’ve been gone so long. 

I’ll be blogging more regularly now.