Spice~

 okay spice premise....

- Language Barrier (although not as big of one as the love interest thinks)

- Slow burn.... teasing and innuendos, multiple instances of fore play with no sex 

- when sex finally happens HE is put in chains and blind folded but still tops/dominates. (detail will be given to the sound of the chains because yes auditory sensesssssss) 

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiwVJg_jOAArIZvFeUZF0sfq20EVWS8Pv

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https://youtu.be/ls0YvjnwZh4

"Translate this" he said to the woman beside me, never breaking eye contact. Out of my prefrail I saw her nod and step closer to me. 

"Tonight, No matter how close we get, no matter intoxicating we find each other, I will not be fucking you." His voice was strong, steady, his confidence wrapping around my ears in a caress as the woman beside me translated his words, color filling her cheeks. I felt her embarrassment, although the empathy wasn't enough to share that I could understand his language. 

"I will spend days learning your body. Learning your limits. Learning your sounds." At those words I felt heat rising to my own cheeks, but he held my face firmly in his hands, denying me from averting my gaze from his own intense stare. "If I cannot have countless hours, uninterrupted, to devote to worshipping your body... then I won't even start; and I never start what I cannot finish." He wrapped his free hand around my waist and pulled me closer, whispering in my ear, "I won't touch you tonight... but make no mistake - I want you." 

I cleared my throat when the translator opened her mouth, "You don't have to translate that. I can guess what he said, more or less." Her blush was a crimson glow but she nodded in relief. He released my chin and waved her off without a glance, hastily she made her exit. I tried to focus on the rapid clicks of her heels as I controlled my breathing, trying to force the blush off my own cheeks.  He chuckled and offered me the same hand, his head nodding towards the club doors. I hesitated, but took his hand and let him lead me towards the pulsing music. I shook my head as beams of light lit up his face, reflecting off his eyes as he stared me down hungrily. The image of those eyes looking up at me as he knelt before my open legs flashed through my minds eye and I cleared my throat again. A wicked smile crept across his face as if he could read my mind; stiffening and turning away I pushed open the doors and entered the room. 

what do I want?

 Right now I want solitude. But i know that won't last forever. So I need to be honest with myself.

I'm not aromantic... i'm, just healing. When the time comes... what is it I really want in a partner?

I use to focus so much on how physically safe they made me feel, how likely were they to throw a punch in my defence? How low was the risk of them assaulting me? How protective did they feel over me?

Once someone made me feel safe, its like all other things compared and I would put up with almost anything. I don't want to do that again. So I'm learning to be my own protector - hence the iron walls over my heart and my swearing off dating. No more dating apps, no more uncomfortable situations, no more compromising my comfort levels and peace for others. 

No more dating men who boast about playing the knight in shining armor because all that ends up being is a red flag in tin foil. If i hear tales of bravado - as much as that attracts me - I need to run in the opposite direction. 

No. What I need to focus on is how emotionally safe do they make me feel? 

How patient are they? 

 I want someone who will wait until we really have gotten to know each other before they indicate their interest. I want someone who will wait to kiss me because they want the moment to be just right. I want someone who will show restraint, who will hold off a physical relationship until an emotional one is solid. I want someone who respects me and wants me, my body is just a nice compliment that comes with me. I want someone who wants to know my mind, my passion, my triggers, and my comforts. 

I want someone who won't even bring sex up as a topic of conversation until we've established a true connection through conversation. 

Because once i feel physically safe, I trade sex for that safety.  No more. 

I want someone patient enough to see that I'm healing, to realize that I am a rescue and I need rehabilitation. Either they are patient enough to do that or they are patient enough to wait while I do that for myself. 

I have the basic wants that everyone does...

- values compatibility (spirituality, politics, agree on marriage, kids, importance of family, etc)

- lifestyle compatibility (night owl vs morning, kink vs vanilla, homebody vs gatta go out, active vs sedentary, adrenaline junkie vs scaredy-cat, etc)

But I think what I want more than anything now, is someone who is patient and respectful that wants to learn me inside then out. And that just seems to not exist, at least not here. 

and if they would be capable of taking on a threat in a fight that would be an added bonus lol

Bah Humbug... Valentines Day edition

 Okay, so I have never been more anti-romance, anti-relationship, and anti-valentines day in my life. 

I am single on Valentines day and i am content with that. Nay... I am happy with that. 

Which is why I have been thrown for a loop with the Sapphic couple I've been in a mild flirtationship because they asked me to be their valentine....

what?

Last I understood, they were ENM; mildly open relationship where they were more so interested in a friends with benefits situation and not interested in a romantic relationship what so ever. Which I was fine with. Friends who kiss - honestly for where I'm at in life this is perfect. 

They came over the other day and hung out for like 6 hours, and we had a ball just all chilling and talking and eventually yeah there was some kissing and touching. But i'm not like.. eager to do that again. Its fun if the mood is fitting i guess, but like i'm not seeking it out. (I only see them every few weeks anyway)

I feel like theres been a shift since then? Like Valentines day is a day to shower your romantic partner with love and romantic gestures. A day to focus on that love... I feel a bit odd about them asking me to be their valentine. I feel like it could mean 3 things, 

1. They want to get try and get physical again and Valentines day is a good excuse/reason to

2. They might be opening up to the idea of dating me

or (hopefully)

3. They just want to hang out and see me, and thought this would be a good opportunity?

If the first ... I hope they don't just expect for that to happen. In fact I reached out to one of them to ask what their expectations are for the night. 

If the second.... I need to know so I can nip that in the bud. Because while at first i was open to pursuing something romantic (they weren't) and am definitely not trying to now. 

and option 3? It wouldn't make much sense because again.... Valentines is a romantic day, why would you want to spend it with a friend who lives over an hour away when you could spend it with your significant other?

I am just confused. I am flattered. but I am confused, and possibly getting into my head about it? I just want to manage expectations so no one ends up disappointed. Because if people end up disappointed, then I end up upset and feeling guilty. 

The one i asked hasn't messaged me back and i'm really going to need to her do so soon lol before i just back out of seeing them that day completely. 

Because I had plans originally. 

I was going to buy gourmet cupcakes and roses for the monthly movie night for the residents at my job, we were gonna watch a movie, and then during the day I was going to drive around to the other student living properties and bring everyone roses. Then after work I was going to either watch another romance movie, watch a tv show, or cuddle my cats and read a book. 

Nice. Peaceful. Happy. 

Now I have to think about entertaining guests after working a 10 hour shift at work. 

Which honestly I can probably use as my excuse  to get out of it... 

This is why i'm staying single. This shit is exhausting. 

I love Valentines day. I was looking forward to it, as a single woman. But now people want my attention and I'm feeling like a valentines scrooge. 

 BAH HUMBUG

Manifesting for Imbolc 2023

 Imbolc, Midwinter, Brigid's day. 

A day to remind us that winter is almost over, spring is around the corner. Its a time for hope and rejuvenation. New beginnings are on the horizon. 

So let us manifest. 

For this year I want to manifest, through the help of the gods, my host of friends, the guidance of my ancestors, and my own determination:

• Physical health  - I am working on stretching regularly, I want to be able to touch my toes by Beltane. I am working on figuring out things with diet, but I am at least eating and not hating when my body goes through cycles with weight. As the sun stays longer, soon I will be able to go on nature walks again. 
• Spiritual Health - I will continue to do readings regularly, keeping in communication with my host of friends and my patron goddesses. I will check in with my other goddesses regularly, and perhaps this year I will start working with Cernunnos. I will be manifesting more through writing be that lists like this or through written prayers. I will do more written prayers. 
• Emotional health - I have walls of iron built around my heart and sacred parts of my body; this year I wish to try to heal and allow them to come down. Being afraid or doubtful of love will only hurt me in other aspects of my life. Where infection lies, it can spread. 
• Financial Abundance - I had 2 very large purchases happen in december that I am seeking to recoup from. I am not in dire need, but I am not where I would like to be. This year I wish to manifest financial abundance and ease so that I do not need to continuously stress over it, and can focus my energy on areas that inspire and bring joy. 
• Inspiration - Writing. so much writing. I wish to write prayers regularly. I wish to write and get published in the short story anthology. I wish to breath poetry again. I want to write beautiful settings and in-depth characters that take peoples breath away. I want to build whole worlds. I wish to dance and tell stories with my body. I wish to pursue that which brings me passion and I manifest the words "you have been accepted".
• Happiness - This year I want to be happy. Last year was about letting go. Letting go of the crutch I had. Letting go of fear and pain and hurt. Letting go of control. This year? I will be taking in time. I will be taking in gratitude. I will be taking in strength and calmness. I will be taking in joy and laughter, and victory. I wish to manifest happiness. 

I know that all things come in sacred time, I do not wish to rush the gods and trust their guiding hands. 

But these are the things I manifest for myself and my journey through this year. 

The seeds were planted last year, they have been waiting over the winter, and with the spring they will rise and grow. 

Blessed Imbolc, 

Brigid bless and keep you.