what do I want?

 Right now I want solitude. But i know that won't last forever. So I need to be honest with myself.

I'm not aromantic... i'm, just healing. When the time comes... what is it I really want in a partner?

I use to focus so much on how physically safe they made me feel, how likely were they to throw a punch in my defence? How low was the risk of them assaulting me? How protective did they feel over me?

Once someone made me feel safe, its like all other things compared and I would put up with almost anything. I don't want to do that again. So I'm learning to be my own protector - hence the iron walls over my heart and my swearing off dating. No more dating apps, no more uncomfortable situations, no more compromising my comfort levels and peace for others. 

No more dating men who boast about playing the knight in shining armor because all that ends up being is a red flag in tin foil. If i hear tales of bravado - as much as that attracts me - I need to run in the opposite direction. 

No. What I need to focus on is how emotionally safe do they make me feel? 

How patient are they? 

 I want someone who will wait until we really have gotten to know each other before they indicate their interest. I want someone who will wait to kiss me because they want the moment to be just right. I want someone who will show restraint, who will hold off a physical relationship until an emotional one is solid. I want someone who respects me and wants me, my body is just a nice compliment that comes with me. I want someone who wants to know my mind, my passion, my triggers, and my comforts. 

I want someone who won't even bring sex up as a topic of conversation until we've established a true connection through conversation. 

Because once i feel physically safe, I trade sex for that safety.  No more. 

I want someone patient enough to see that I'm healing, to realize that I am a rescue and I need rehabilitation. Either they are patient enough to do that or they are patient enough to wait while I do that for myself. 

I have the basic wants that everyone does...

- values compatibility (spirituality, politics, agree on marriage, kids, importance of family, etc)

- lifestyle compatibility (night owl vs morning, kink vs vanilla, homebody vs gatta go out, active vs sedentary, adrenaline junkie vs scaredy-cat, etc)

But I think what I want more than anything now, is someone who is patient and respectful that wants to learn me inside then out. And that just seems to not exist, at least not here. 

and if they would be capable of taking on a threat in a fight that would be an added bonus lol