uncertainty

 There is a lot of uncertainty that i feel about my life. Its been weighing on me and I know that io always feel better when my thoughts are written out for me to see rather than just circling incorporeal in my mind. 

Do i have what it takes to go back to school and get a higher degree - yes. 

The issue lies in what i want to specialize in... if no professor relates enough to my study topic and decides to mentor me, then i won't be accepted into the program. 

It sucks but that's how it works with cultural anthropology degrees. 

I can really see myself being a professor. I feel like I would find it very (stressful but) fulfilling. I would be teaching something i am super interested and passionate about and encouraging and inspiring younger minds. It sounds like a dream. So much that perhaps I should change what i want to study, from folklore and its connection to cultural identity to religion and ritual. I would just get a minor in folklore. That would up my chances of acceptance. 

Right out of graduation I would be an assistant professor - average salary is like 50K; that's really not bad. 

But what if I don't get in? What then?

I could stay in student housing/property management/community management field... increase experience to get better pay and benefits, travel abroad, go on vacations, live comfortably. The career field would be very lukewarm but my quality of life would be comfortable. 

And honestly I'd have an easier time finding work in almost every state. 

I think in either way i would find a way to make happiness work. 

see? After writing this out i feel better. 

Research

 OKAY

PhD in Cultural Anthropology:

1. University of Wisconsin - Madison
1. Professors to possible have as mentors
1. Katherine Bowie (Combining archival research with oral histories, interviews and participant-observation.... she focuses on Asia but still.) 
2. Maria Lepowsky (historical anthropology, cultural anthropology, ritual)
3. Emiko Ohnuki-Tierney (Cultural identity.... she focuses on Japan but still...)
2. Intended Minor: Folklore
3. Language requirement: Swedish
2. Washington University at St. Louis
1. Professors to possible have as mentors
1. John Bowen (historical research, religion and ritual... focuses on middle east but still.)
2. Anna Jacobson (religion, faith, piety, morality, spiritual and religious healing... focuses in Afrika but still.)
3. Rebecca Lester (embodiment, intersubjectivity, and cultural practices of self-cultivation.... just super fucking interesting)
2. Intended Minor: Writing
3. Language Requirement: possibly be waived?
3. UCLA
1. Professors to possible have as mentors
1. Susan Slyomovics (folklore and material culture)
2. Intended Minor: none
3. Language requirement: Can get it waived?
4. UC San Diego
1. Professors to possible have as mentors:
1. Aftab Jassal ( communities construct and enliven multiple social, ontological, and aesthetic realities through narrative and ritual performance, including ritual storytelling and possession..... focuses on idea but still)
2. Intended Minor: none
3. Language requirement: can possibly be waived?

ORRR

I could look into a PhD program in Folklore and minor in cultural anthropology.

1. Ohio state university... looks li8ke I would enter through the anthropology department and then switch to folklore? Idk will need to reach out and find out. (no GRE) - no MA, get it along the way
2. University of Louisiana English - Folklore Concentration - have to get MA then PhD
3. Look into University of 'Oregon.... they allow congruent degrees so a MS in folklore and a PhD in anthropology. 
4. Utah State University - MS via english

stressors

 I am on the verge of an anxiety attack so I need to make a list of my stressors and then sort them into what i can control and what I can't. Then focus on fixing what i can control. 

Can't Control:

- Hysteria's mental health and the fact that she may be willing to up-end her whole life and move away because shes manic and her health is not stable. then the domino effect it would have on the rest of the drag family. 

- Ellis's mental health and his job security; how he is starting to affect the other members in the family and the building frustration. 

- Star's mental health due to work stress, baby momma stress, relationship stress added on by Ellis and the frustration of his husband and child. 

- Will I be able to move into the new apartment with $400 less in rent? Should i sign the lease and just pray i can find a subleaser in time? Should I stay where i am? 

- How much of a raise will i get in July? Will it be enough to help with my financial worries if I stay in my current apartment?

- Will i get into grad school? Move across the country? Have enough funding to do so?

- Humu's health

- Air force guy is leaving and I may never get to see him again. I can tell his is pulling away the closer to his deployment (this is for both our sakes but it makes me sad and anxious)

Can control:

- My body isn't where I want it to - I need to be more active. Yoga. Going to the gym. 

- I HAVE to find a home for this dog coming to me in a week. (If i move, by July. If I stay, then just asap. Honestly I think having the dog is going to just stress everyone out until I can find a place for it.)

- My home is a mess:

• Clean the kitchen & dishes
• Clean the living room
• Laundry
• Pack and organize my burlesque into the second room closet
• Catlitter

- I need to research other grad schools in case I don't get into this one and apply to them as well. 

- I need to reach out to the professors in July for letters of recommendation - worry about that later

- Work on my letters of purpose for grad school applications

- I'm daydreaming but not writing anything

- I want to get back into dancing but I am too stressed

- Work

• finding time to have training meetings for my own team with their scheduling
• learning the new system enough to help others
• they are losing faith in me - we now have daily recaps and someone else is doing our marketing
• do these new competitor reports
• keeping the atmosphere fun and light when i'm so friggin anxious 
• I need to release 2 more residents. 
• Turn Lola's future apartment - ask my boss about flooring upgrade

Visiting mom

 okay so, even if i don't do an official campus tour, i do still want to check out the city. So what are some things you can do in Madison WI in april?

• Tour the botanical garden
• go to the farmers market
• Cave of mounds exploration - Blue Mounds, Wisconsin
• Art Museum
• explore down town shops

Could also visit the in-door water park at the dells?

Theres a lot that I would want to do but i'm not sure momma or otis would LOL

Frustration

 bruh life is so frustrating. 

When i'm at my most cynical and anti-romance, i meet a great guy. who then deports and i potentially might never see again. If i do, idk if either of us will still want to pursue anything.

Then i ask my cards, who confirm multiple times that he was just meant to serve as a good example of what the bare minimum i should be entertaining. Then add in that i most likely still will not be in a relationship until I'm in grad school...

so what? I was bitter and cynical, convinced myself that i was emotionally unavailable, so that i would feel mad instead of lonely..... 

and now i realize that i am *not* emotionally unavailable and now im freaking sad and lonely.

bruh let me go back to not caring about love and romance and being cold hearted. 

this sucks. 

Potential WI dates

 okay so I need to time this well, so i am going to list the currfent "come visit campus" dates for the university i want to attend - since they dont do walk in tours. 

Sat 04/15/23 12:30 PM 2:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Mon 04/17/23 12:30 PM 2:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Wed 04/19/23 10:30 AM 12:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Fri 04/21/23 12:30 PM 2:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Mon 04/24/23 12:30 PM 2:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Wed 04/26/23 10:30 AM 12:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Fri 04/28/23 12:30 PM 2:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Mon 05/01/23 10:30 AM 12:45 PM Admissions Information Session AND Campus Tour

Fri 04/21/23 2:00 PM 3:00 PM College of Letters & Science (L&S) Information Session

Fri 04/28/23 2:00 PM 3:00 PM College of Letters & Science (L&S) Information Session

**** OPEN HOUSE IS OCTOBER 21ST????

Could see if Otis could meet me in Madison and go tour with me, come back to west allis with him and surprise momma. 

Damn theres no day that i could do both :/ Will have to look into the digital ones