Wedding bands

 If I ever am blessed to be married one day… 

This is the engagement ring and wedding band set I want. I found it over 4 years ago and it’s still the one I want. 

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1582975012/pear-cut-natural-pink-morganite-diamond?ref=share_v4_lx

There’s a few wedding bands that he (or she if she doesn’t want to get a different set) could go with to match. 

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1493394849/vintage-moissanite-wedding-band-for-men?ref=share_v4_lx

^my fave

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1463228087/vintage-mens-engagement-ring-mens?ref=share_v4_lx

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1758632875/vintage-mens-wedding-band-yellow-gold?ref=share_v4_lx

Or if he wants indented instead of raised 

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1561291534/flat-rose-gold-leaf-mens-wedding-band?ref=share_v4_lx

Or inverted and indented 

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1815372821/minimalist-leaf-mens-wedding-band-yellow?ref=share_v4_lx

Beloved, Letter - Surgery

 Beloved, 

I am at my mom's and in my panic did not pack your notebook for letters. To be fair, I probably still would have left it even if I had packed the night before. I'll just copy this over when I get back. 

My surgery is tomorrow afternoon, I will be irrevocably sterile. The closer I get the more anxious I become. At first it was anxiety that something would cause it to be pushed back again. Now... its different. I am not sure what I am anxious about, although there are a few things that would be understandable. Being cut into, being put under, the pain of recovery, the fact that what is being done is permanent. Maybe its the last one? My Sagittarius is showing. 

I do not want biological children. 

Pregnancy would be dangerous - for me and the child. 

Honestly, I don't even want to be a step mom at this point. 

You know my stance on this by now, so there's no use in going into it again. I think its just the fact that there is no going back. Which is sort of the point. 

This is my initiation. This is my death and rebirth. This is my offering to the gods. 

I am happy to make it. 

I am happy to begin my life dedicated to the path of the teacher, the sorceress, the priestess... I reject the "maiden, mother, crone" and stand firm on another path. One that will eventually bring me to step into my power, grow as a person, thrive in life... and lead me to you along the way. 

I am happy and eager... but tonight and tomorrow, I am scared. 

I wish you were here to hold me. Although at this moment I think the only thing that will help now are the gabapentin that I took. I wish they were benzos. 

Im so anxious I want to spiral out on a relapse. 

I know this is a wheel of fortune moment. I trust the process. My body is just anxious. 

See you on the other side! 

Love, your faerie. 

The Trio

OUR units to consider - will need to see when the leases end & sort into distance from work and campus. ALL have 3 bed and at least 2 bath (some have more). All are between $21-2500 in rent and I can probably get negotiated down to $2300. ($870, $715, $715 -- unless big size desparity)

** Sort by distance from Work & School

**remove any Alaa properties

**remove any who's leases end before March or After July

• 9725 Watts Rd Verona, WI 53593
• 9375 Harvest Moon Ln Verona, WI 53593, V
• 9227 Rustic Pine Rd, Verona
• 905 Dane St Madison 53713
• 7709 Lois Lowry Ln 53719
• 714 N Meadow Ln <3 <3 <3
• 6225 Putnam Rd
• 604 West St
• 5 Fleischman Cir
• 3789 Skyhigh Rd
• 3210 Sunbrook Rd
• 3110 Ashford Ln
• 2926 Muir Field Rd
• 252 S Musket Ridge #4 - SP
• 1509 Bultman Rd
• 1462 Wild Iris St
• 1325 Bunker Hill Rd - SP
• 1242 Twinleaf Ln

Reflections on Audre Lorde: Uses of Anger

 I could scarcely go more than two or three lines without highlighting or underlining something. Very rarely have I ever read something like this as validating and affirming, but also self critical as this. 

I have two reflections. The first is on the use of Anger as a vessel of knowledge, growth, empowerment, and change/progression. I have been told so many times that I am * too angry * and that I should let things go. I should turn the other cheek. I should shrug off some homophobic, religiocentrist, ableist, racist, etc. comments because “they didn’t mean it like that” or I should understand where they are coming from and try to show patience. I’ve been told I don’t know how to take a joke. I take things too personally. 

I was one of those “women raised in fear” that she mentioned on page 131 (possibly 121 in your book, my pages seem to be 10 ahead of the ones you list). I was taught through physical, mental, and emotional abuse that “the anger of others was to be avoided at all costs because there was nothing to be learned but pain”. I swallowed my anger. I held so much fury that I dissociated it into a separate protective personality - one named “Fiona” that was with me for most of my life and still at times of high stress manifests as I dissociate. Lorde is nothing but correct when she says “if we accept out powerlessness, then of course any anger can destroy us”. 

But that was before Lilith. Even after I presented my chapter to class I was private messaged saying that they hoped that I finally found another way to be other than angry and that I had released all of my fury and could move on. Anger is always deemed as bad - and reading this chapter brought me to such tears. Both in validation and gratitude, but also in regret. 

It has also been instilled in me that as a white woman I am not really *allowed* to speak up about racism because I am eliminating the chance for women of color to speak. My voice, as a white woman, is too loud to hear the voices of those oppressed worse than me so I should either whisper or remain silent. There is guilt in that silence. When I do speak it is from the safety of social platforms - when I danced burlesque and helped put on drag shows, social media pages sharing resources and reposting quotes and posts  made by people of color. It never felt like enough, the guilt would eat at me but it was better than doing absolutely nothing. I was afraid I would upset the very people (primarily black women) that I wanted to help if I did much more. The one time I tried to march for black lives matter in my tiny city back in North Carolina I ended up arguing with my mother for so long that I missed the march. She couldn’t stop me from joining protests on the college campus though. But it all felt performative, even though I believed in it. Its easy to be loud in anger when you are with a large group of people yelling for justice. Its not so when its a racist comment you overhear from a booth behind you at a diner. Or a backhanded compliment one friend says to another. 

Reading her words towards white women, saying to let go of guilt because it only gets in the way and to recognize that their (black women's’) anger was for growth and understanding, has both made me ashamed at how little I have done when it mattered  - in the quiet moments when it seems I am the only one around bothered but I remain silent (like on page 127/117) - and encouraged to do better moving forward rather than wallowing in guilt. What is the worst that could happen by speaking up - I make someone angry?

I will close this with a line I recognized in this chapter. Shortly after moving to Madison WI, over on the east side (I now live on the west), someone had painted a mural on their garage with a quote that stuck with me ever since I read it. This quote is on page 133/123:

“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.”

I am not less moved by those words now reading them in context, when I was when I was walking my dog and saw them painted into a giant work of art. 

reflective Questions

 Wrote these for an assignment only to realize I misunderstood

1. In my broad and vague definition of the sacred/divine, in terms of Spirit as ultimate reality and the existence of personal gods, how will I reconcile with myself if I find myself changing and pulling away from personal deities?

1. Spirit is fluid, while not sentient in itself its presence in sentient beings is what brings it to life. My relationship with my gods has gone through several periods of intimacy and distance - they have never held it against me. I know they are patient and have even encouraged me to pursue things outside of their help. If I were to choose to focus more on a humanist and ground of being practice for a while, there would be no resentment. My gods love me… and when they have strong opinions or feel they need to provide a guiding hand they will always find ways to let me know. I may have my own issues with guilt or anxiety, but that will be from within myself - not from them. I think perhaps, in a similar way that I do now, doing a “checking in” reading with them every so often would alleviate a good bit of that anxiety.  Afterall, shifting more towards a focus on Spirit, as opposed to the gods, would mean a shift in how I perform witchcraft and put more emphasis on my own abilities without assistance. If anything, they may ultimately encourage me down that route once I am confident enough. 

2. How will I handle rejection and judgment, from clients and coworkers, as a Chaplain whose faith identity is a minority and is often followed by misinformation, fear, and scorn - despite being trained and knowledgeable in multiple faiths? 

1. I have dealt with my fair share of rejection and scorn over my religious identity. I dealt with it all through highschool. I dealt with it once I “came out of the broom closet” by the kids in my church youth group. I was rejected by my own family over various lengths of time. I have developed a thick skin and a very strong ability to mask and adapt to the environment I am in. Chaplains are rejected all the time for a variety of reasons - I simply will learn how to adapt and move forward, finding different ways to connect to people. Essentially… develop a thicker skin and take it on the chin. 

3. How will I handle the anxiety that will ultimately arise throughout my studies as I am introduced to alternative paths and the possibility of changing majors, leading to possibly less job security and more judgment from the people in my life? 

1. I have always found myself to be a very fluid person, open to signs and changes as they approach me. While I do not foresee leaving seminary school, if I feel called to another path through a different degree I will take the time to consider it. I am a long term planner, I look at the job market for different careers and in different states already despite still having 4-5 years before I am board certified. I know my long term goals and aspirations as far as career (to work at a college campus providing interfaith services and eventually to open my own mobile interfaith temple). If something were to happen and I feel called to another degree that may better serve my long term goals, or better align with myself I would owe it to myself to consider. I would make a point not to do anything rash, talk with my therapist, talk with my academic advisor, and look at how the other program compares to my current one. Maybe I stay and add the second degree, maybe the transition would be smooth. I made a promise to myself when I decided to live more authentically that I would not cave to the expectations of others simply because of anxiety. If something feels right and I am moved to follow… I will. There are moments of fate that cannot be escaped and there are thousands of paths to those moments, only the divine knows, and I can only trust the process.