Mid term notes for Pastoral Care - Family systems theory

 Outline:

Option 1: Organized by community - perhaps one day I will end up writing this paper, very in-depth. This one would be too traumatizing to do at the moment as it relies more heavily on Friedman than Wimberly. Given how common Friedman and family systems theory is, I don't doubt it will come back up. Plus I feel this paper would end up being too long. 

1. Introduction
1. Opening: carrying on the "stories metaphor" and what myths I fall into overall.
2. The layout of the paper: 
1. looking at my role in each community group and what "myths" are involved and how that shapes my behavior and fulfillment of this role
2. the cultural, socio-economic, geographic, religious context of each community. (Historic context is provided by how I break up the communities I examine)
2. Family of Origin : *warning: mentions of mental, emotion, and physical abuse
1. Growing up, my role in the family from what I can remember
1. the myths that were perpetuated from a young age
2. triangles, anxiety, and how I learned to handle it (which has remained the same, even now)
1. conflict in the face of trying to self-differentiate (closeness and distance)
3. Past Community (time span 2016-2023)
1. North Carolina: Close friendships, Drag Family, The "College Coven", Romantic Relationships
2. What "myths" are involved and how that shapes my behavior and fulfillment of the roles in each (Primarily will talk about my Drag family)
3. Finally achieving self differentiation through Spiritual mean. 
4. triangles, anxiety, and how I learned to handle it at the time and the consequences of that(closeness and distance)
4. Current Community (2023-present)
1. Leaving North Carolina and Moving to Wisconsin... how Distance changed everything.
2. The two small groups I am a part of, a new myth that has emerged and how it affects my behavior. 
3. Anxieties and challenges that have emerged over the last year
5. Conclusion:
1. How this will affect my future community - family, social, and minstry
2. Reauthoring and room for improvement
3. the importance of self-care

Option 2: Organized by Myth 

1. Introduction:
1. Opening: carrying on the "stories metaphor" and what myths I fall into overall.
2. Structure of the paper: What Myths I fall into 
1. How the myth developed
2. the socio-economic, cultural, historical, and religious context involved
3. Anxieties that occur because of it and how they are addressed 
2. Personal Myths
1. Examine each myth and how it came to be
2. how they manifest: behavior, anxieties, conflicts, and consequences (closeness vs distance)
3. How I self differentiated
3. "Family" Myths
1.  Examine each myth and how it came to be
2. how they/might manifest: behavior, anxieties, conflicts, and consequences (closeness vs distance)
3. How I self differentiated/plan to self differentiate 
4. Ministry Myths 
1.  Examine each myth and how it came to be
2. how they/might manifest: behavior, anxieties, conflicts, and consequences (closeness vs distance)
3. How I self differentiated/plan to self differentiate 
5. Conclusion:
1. Summary
2. Reauthoring and room for improvement
3. The importance of self care

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As a fiction and poetry writer, I found a great appreciation for Wimberly's method of exploring family systems theory in his book Recalling Our Own Stories. His explanations of the consequences of social triangles and anxious behavior through archetypes was in sharp contrast with Friedman's methodical approach. Wimberly's approach encourages a written story highlighting the consequences of anxious behaviors when gone unchecked, while Friedman examines the fine print as to why such behaviors manifest. I have long associated writing with my spiritual practice and have found writing to be the best method of shadow work (1). Through shadow work one is able to examine their lives and personalities and are able to identify our own mythologies as Wimberly puts it. "By mythology, I mean the beliefs and convictions that people have about themselves, their relationships with others, their roles in life, and their ministry." (Wimberly, 8) Inspired by Wimberly's metaphor, I continue to use vocabulary commonly used amongst modern fiction writers and readers, building on his metaphor and making it my own as I reflect on my own life through the family systems lens. 

Thesis sentence for options 1: In this paper I will deep dive into the "myths" and roles that I have played throughout my life in various communities chronologically, focusing on the development of each myth and the consequences of the anxious behaviors they bring, and ending with how my future communities in ministry would be affected if I do not complete my re-authoring of such myths. 

Thesis sentence for option 2: In this paper I will deep dive into the various "myths" and roles I have played throughout my life; I will analyze what communities the anxious behaviors arise in, the consequences of such behaviors,  the various influential contexts that lead to their development, and end with how my future communities in ministry would be affected if I do not complete my re-authoring of such myths. 

Stress is a top contributor to the chronic issue of caregiver burnout found amongst the clergy, which is why self-care has become such an important aspect ( Walker-Barnes, 8).  Family systems theory is a unique tool for self-care that one has to examine areas in their life that addresses the cause of the stress as opposed to the symptoms (1). If a clergy member were feeling intense stress in regards to their job, Friedman would suggest that instead of changing jobs to remove the perceived stressor, such as overworking, the best approach would be to look at the connections within the clergy member's system of relationships to see which were forming triangles and adding additional pressure to their job (Friedman, 18). Friedman's approach to family systems theory allows a objective view of a person's life to diagnose and treat anxious behavior, which is vitally important for those called to spiritual service because when there is a dysfunction in a system it will then bleed into other systems such as interactions with care-seekers or congregates unconsciously (Friedman 21). While Friedman's approach looks at the details of the system of a relationship, Wimberly categorizes anxious behaviors into his archetypical myths. As we move forward in this paper, I will use a combination of both approaches to examine my own. 

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Other quotes that will come in handy as I describe my role in the communities around me:

• Perfectionistic thinking is so strong that we deny our own need for healing and resist the efforts of others to help us see our vulnerability and suffering. (10)
• take on premature adult responsibility are often victims of ideal or perfect-child expectations. They [walking wounded] become overfunctioners and take on the major responsibility for maintaining and cultivating relationships. They learn to neglect their own needs, repress deep resentments about being taken for granted by others, and seek caring roles as a way to deal with and medicate their hurts and unreturned love. They often seek relationships that perpetuate their family-of-origin roles; close relationships are a frustrating and unrewarding experience. (37)
• The sources of ministerial mythology range from the religious caregiver’s private inner life to a sense of calling, to family roles and dynamics, to religious upbringing, to theological and ecclesiastical traditions, and to sociocultural roles. self-differentiation is the ability to take the “I” position in the context of family, that is, the maturity and ability to know who we are apart from others ...(32) --> then lead into how I learned to self differentiate (Lilith).  
• Additionally, the ideal expectations that we bring to marriage and family life may be very similar to those we bring to relationships with parishioners and people for whom we care. As we have seen, unresolved family-of-origin issues are often transferred to the ideal mate or ideal child, who is then expected to make up for the deficits we sustained in our own early childhood. The same expectations can be transferred to caregiving settings, with the person receiving our care expecting us to make up for her own deficient childhood needs. It is important for us to note that the transference can work in either direction, to or from the caregiver. (29) -- on how this can affect me in the future. 
• Reauthoring recognizes that change in convictions and beliefs is possible; we are not totally at the mercy of our early childhood experiences, unconscious processes, and cultural conventions. While altering our myths is a slow process with much struggle and resistance, reauthoring moves forward as our resolve grows that we are neither totally passive in creating and formulating myths nor acquiescent in living out the stories that myths entail. (38) --- conclusion.. how I am working on it. 
• As we mature and grow older, however, we discover that unique and personal attributions are not only possible but can be different from those shared by others. Ultimately, as adults we combine shared and private attributions to shape our understanding of reality and experience. Personal, marital-family, and ministerial myths are shared and private attributions in a storied formulation, a mythical pattern. They develop socially and personally, based on interactions with others as we participate in life. As social creations, myths are not just socially inherited or passed on to others without being personally modified. In fact, we make subtle shifts in them as we develop our own private attributions. (38) --- this is true! If in a negative way the sunshine character emerges, then that means we can change and emerge a better version of ourselves as well! -- makes me think of "no self".. 
• While transformation is inherent to the formulation of myths, it is not always easy. Myths function to interpret reality and events that take place throughout life...if we understand how myths evolve and see how we participate in their creation, we can discern the possibility of transformation. In the actual process of editing myths, we are surprised to discover that what was once considered closed and permanently fossilized in our being is not only changeable but actually awaiting transformation. (38) --> shadow work 
• Attribution, or assigning meaning to life experiences, is the result of our encounters with life transitions and traumatic events. Myths are formed from attributions that help us make sense of things. Life transitions and traumas such as accidents challenge our existing, attributed structure of meaning. Existing attributions are often inadequate in helping us respond to new challenges; they need to be modified to “explain” the new situational demands (Rediger 1996). (38) ---> Tower tarot card. My aloofness developed to counter the sunshine character... now I need to create a new myth to ease the aloofness. 
• As we face challenges to our existing mythic formulations and interpretations of reality, not all of us will do the necessary editing and updating. Some of us resist changing them, feeling secure with what we already have done regarding our beliefs. Others of us, however, readily welcome the challenges and grow as a result. We see the new challenges as opportunities rather than dangers. (38) --> The lesson behind suffering. 
• Where in the steps of reauthorizing am I?
• Identify the themes that make up our personal myth:  The most important one is to set a proper environment or context for the reauthoring process. --> done: therapy
• Assess the influences: The second phase is mapping and assessing the impact of the personal myths on our lives. The myth we create is related to how we carry out our lives and live in our relationships. We begin tracing the themes of our personal myths: how they are associated with experiences we had early in our lives. --> Currently tip toeing on this. 
• Attempting to Discern God in the process: Identifying God’s presence and work in our lives is a process unique to each of us. How we discern depends on a variety of things relating to how we carry out our spiritual discipline....We may see God working through a slow process as we examine our lives in segments, in the different periods of time. (40)
• Make plans to alter the themes in our stories to increase growth possibilities: The goal of reauthoring personal myths is to revise the story that runs through our personal behavior, to heal wounds and transform them into sources of strength in service to others. The identification, assessment, and discerning phases of the reauthoring process are all essential components to altering personal myths. Making plans is the final phase, wherein we outline the specific steps that will modify the myth. -- not there yet. Thats to come. 
• Returning home: This dimension of the reauthoring process is meant to gather information to fill in the gaps in our understanding of personal myths...Some people do not have the choice to return home....We can see that reauthoring personal myths has no specific timetable. It varies with each person, depending on the level of maturity, the severity of the problems involved, and other complex factors. Some people are able to revise their myths in a weekend retreat, while others may need much longer. --> part of me fears that I may never be truly successful with this. But one must be brave! (40)
• Possible problems I will face ministry wise:
• There are two quite common causes: the student has to commit emotional energy to the seminary experience, or the curriculum work precipitates their personal growth. In the second instance, the pace of personal growth accelerates because of new and intense experiences that the student undergoes with peers, in the classroom, and in supervised ministerial encounters. (41) --- I can see both already happening. 
• "The family model, on the other hand, conceptualizes a system's problems in terms of an imbalance that must have occurred in the network of its various relationships, no matter what the nature of the individual personalities [as opposed to pitting character traits of people against one other]" - Friedman 23
• The basic question family theory always asks, therefore, is not do these personalities fit, but, rather, what has happened to the fit that was there? Why has the symptoms surfaced now? This is not a static concept, but a dynamic one, as when a thermostat controls the temperature balance, not at a fixed point but within a range. - Friedman 23
• Two types of interdependence
• Series - If one component goes bad, they all go bad. If one is depressed, the others are as well or all overcompensate. less togetherness, more stuck-togetherness. Friedman 25
• parallel - different components are less dependent on each other, when one person is in dysfunction they are able to heal independently and more easily. - Friedman 26
• No family is totally in series or parallel, but on a continuum between extremes, with most families closer tot he series end. - Friedman 26  
• Generally the human component of  a family system have the capacity for some self- differentiation, the capacity for some awareness of their own position in the relationship system, how it is affected by balancing forces, and how change in each individual's functioning can in turn influence that homeostasis. - Friedman 27
• ... differentiation means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own life's goals and values apart from surrounding togetherness pressures, to say "I" when others are demanding "you" and "we". It includes to maintain the capacity.... for maximum responsibility of one's own destiny and emotional being... the concept should not be confused with autonomy or narcissism. differentiation means the capacity to be an "I" while still connected.  - Friedman 27
• While still living at home, I attempted to self differentiate which through off the homeostasis of our system. In the end I was not able to achieve self differentiation, so I had to achieve autonomy instead. 
• This does not mean I would have more problems or be less functioning as a person but it would mean I am less equipped to handle crisis and seek to restore homeostasis as fast as possible instead of being open to change. (28)
• Self differentiation allows for total independence in a relationship, while the opposite breeds codependency. Most couples are closer to the latter but fall in the middle - paraphrased - page 29
• Differentiation from generational patterns  = breaking generational curses. What he describes on page 32. All three of my sisters have done this... we have a generational curses of childhood abuse, mental illness, sexual assault, and low to lower-middle socio-economic class. While none of us escaped sexual assault or mental illness, my twin sister has broken the generational curse of economic status and is determined to break the cycle of child abuse and neglect. To break the latter cycle both my younger sister and I have decided to be child free - myself going so far as to get sterilized. 
• The most significant aspect of the extended family field is the role it can play in the process of self differentiation. the position we occupy in our family of origin is the only ting we can never share or give to another while we are still alive. It is the source of our uniqueness, and, hence, our basic parameter for emotional potential as well as our difficulties. (34) 
• Emotional triangle is formed by any three persons or issues....basic law of emotional triangles  is that when two parts of a system become uncomfortable with one another they will "triangle in" or focus on a third person or issue to stabilize their own relationship with one another. A person may be said to be "triangled" if he or she gets caught in the middle of such an unresolved issue....the emotional triangle focuses on the process rather than content- Friedman 36
• We can only change a relationship to which we belong - Friedman 39
• When family members use physical distance to solve problems of emotional interdependency, the result is always temporary, or includes a transference of  of the problem to another relationship system. - 40 
• Mom and I got along better but she and cara started fighting more... as I was no longer there to be caras verbal punching bag and I was not longer there to be momma's support. 
• For it is the feedback of an anxious other that gives any chronic condition its shape and continuity, and thus, its homeostasis. Where the person in the feedback position (me) can he helped to reduce his or her anxiety about the others condition and to change his or her way of adapting or reacting to the symptom.... the problem will seem to get worse at first and it will take longer to go back to its previous best. Related here is the notion that it is not possible to eliminate any chronic condition without going through a phase that is acute. - 47
• Example on 49 demonstrates this... "I will stop trying to force your hand to resolve the issue, instead I remove myself from the triangle by taking X measures and you can continue to do what it is that makes me anxious" - I did this with Jimmie. 
• Love of self is a prerequisite for love of neighbor - Lartey & Moon 24
  
• Spiritual care then has to be accounting for, reviewing, and exploring the dyadic relational dynamics that are typical for anyone seeking help. Spiritual care providers need to assist people examine ways in which these one-on-one relationships can promote or hinder health and wholeness.  - Lartey & Moon 25    
• Spirituality very clearly has to do with the way in which we encounter the created world...Spiritual care has to do with the caring for what is spiritual about us as human beings. ... what is spiritual is our capacity to relate. Spiritual care then is concerned with facilitating healthy relationships - with God, with self, with others, and with the environment." - Lartey & Moon 27                                                                                                   

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In my current community

I am a part of a small group of Druids and Druid-aligning people, the closest thing to a "spiritual community" I think I will have for the foreseeable future. However, despite how much I love talking about religion and spirituality with them I find that the level of trust I truly need to feel a sense of community is not there. Instead of being able to lower my guard and discuss spiritual healing I hide my vulnerability, and instead seek to help those in the group while still being unhealed myself. This manifests itself in my interactions with both this group and others through the need to be "the sunshine character" (footnote). The sunshine character's role is to be the source of joy, relief, and uplifting energy to help keep up the spirits of everyone around them. The sunshine character must always be happy, perceived to be sunshine personified, sharing their never ending smile and spreading it freely. This takes enormous amounts of energy and most often comes at my own expense, leaving me feeling burnt out and overwhelmed with the emotions I have been unable to express. 

The sunshine character is a great example of when the myth of jubilation mixes with the "walking wounded." 

 the walking wounded describes a person, usually in a caregiving or supportive role, who denies their pain and vulnerability so that they can fulfill their supportive role. (Wimberly 11) The danger of this comes from the building anxiety that stems from this unsustainable way of living. 

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What can I do as I move forward, feeling disconnected from my community and thus struggling to maintain spiritual renewal? I should default to my hidden community - those that I call my spiritual support system. This is made up of the gods that I work with and connect to, my ancestors from both this life and previous, as well as a group of individual spirits I call "my host of friends". It is through my intimate connections and moments with them through private practice that I am able to reauthor my story as I continue to write it moving forward. (Wimberly 13)

Our task is to reedit, or reauthor, our own mythologies where they make it difficult to carry out our call. In reauthoring the myths in our lives, we assume that the call from God is ongoing. God’s call is like an unfolding drama in which new meaning is disclosed daily, and as the called we are invited to participate in these new meanings and possibilities. (13)

I am finding that without community to share it with, I struggle to hear "the call" and receive spiritual renewal. 

Spiritual renewal is finding a fresh, novel, and creative way of allowing the call to reorient our present lives so as to bring replenishment and hope. Spiritual renewal is a process of connecting with our original motivation for ministry, and then moving systematically into examining areas of our lives in light of that call. (Wimberly, 8)

A third thing I learned about spiritual renewal from my father is that it requires not only reflecting on the call but also rehearsing and recounting the story in a community or public setting. My dad chose the pulpit, and Paul had to use the courtroom. Spiritual renewal is greatly enhanced when it is done with others present. (Wimberly, 8)

Myths that I fall into:

• Personal:
• The Myth of the Good Girl: The myth of the good girl is the conviction that you must be good and gracious at all costs. It is rooted in feelings that you cannot be angry or upset because this will make others uncomfortable. The goal is perfect goodness.(17)
• The Myth of Invulnerability: The myth of invulnerability is a major theme in the lives of most ministers. I have found it the most prevalent myth in my teaching in seminary. Even in retreats, ministers seem to need permission from the leader and others to be open about their vulnerability. In a competitive and success-oriented culture being vulnerable is a liability. Not recognizing our vulnerability and using it appropriately is a liability as well. (18)
• The Myth of Aloofness: The loner is convinced of their ineptness in close relationships. In the myth of aloofness, we believe that emotional closeness is dangerous. We must stay disengaged or disconnected from relationships in order to be a self. As aloof persons, we fear being swallowed up in relationships. We are intimidated and overwhelmed by the perfectionistic expectations of others, so we must remain aloof in order to survive emotionally.(19)
• Family:
• The myth of dire consequences: This myth is a belief, shared by all family members, that the family cannot survive unless a selected person plays a specific—for him sacrificial—role. What makes the myth negative is just this need to sacrifice his own growth and development while actually thinking that the sacrifice is essential for the family to survive. This is often the case with caretakers who are expected to take on premature adult responsibility. The family as a whole believes that it cannot function well without that person performing this essential role.(28)
• The myth of the family mediator: The myth of mediation finds a particular family member selected to be the family reconciler, to whom every family member turns when there is conflict.
• The myth of jubilation: This myth of expectation is commonly found among religious caregivers who were assigned adult responsibility as children and who lost their childhood as a result. One ideal-mate image is the expectation that our spouse creates an environment of joy that compensates for the childhood we lost while growing up. This unconscious myth holds that the spouse will stimulate unlimited joy and happiness. (23)
• The myth of settling: An important theme in ideal-mate expectations is that of settling. In my experience, settling is more commonly found among women ministers. Its themes grow out of cultural expectations of women...With regard to the image of the ideal mate, settling dictates that it is sufficient to find a mate who allows one to retain a vestige of the role played in the family of origin. Thus, one settles for no more than what one experienced in childhood. In the language of ideal-mate expectations, the myth of settling essentially says, “If I can’t have my ideal or perfect mate, I’ll settle for the next best thing.” (23)
• The myth of repudiating family-of-origin pitfalls:  It is typical that we want to avoid the pitfalls and problems we witnessed in our family of origin. Therefore, at the conscious level we make an effort to marry someone who we believe can potentially help us avoid repeating the past. This is a common expectation for many religious caregivers. The myth of repudiation is an ideal-mate image wherein we expect our mate to repudiate something of our negative family-of-origin experience. Our family-of-origin experience has been so negative that we not only want the positive experiences to be repeated but also want to avoid the repetition of the bad family patterns. It is intuitive that our desire to avoid the negative family-of-origin patterns is stronger than our desire to repeat the positive family experiences. (25)
• Ministry:
• The myth of pleasing at all costs: It sounds ironic, but the myth of pleasing is related to the theme of self-sacrifice. We often sacrifice who we are to make sure that others are happy; we place their need for nurture and growth before our own. The desire to please and be liked becomes so overwhelming at times that we literally lose our sense of self. As caregivers, we are prone to living out this myth. (34)

For paper structure....

Title Page:

PM1001

Mid-Length Project: Ecomap

Pixie Sawyer

Ecomap Reflection: A Genogram Alternative Assignment 

Table of Contents

• Title page and Ecomap

• Introduction: Family Systems Theory

• Part 1: Personal Myths

• Part 2: Family Myths

• Part 3: Ministry Myths

• Conclusion: Re-authoring and Self-Care

1) Write a paper describing yourself in its larger cultural, socio-economic, geographic, and historical contexts, including a brief account of your religious history.

3) Examine the strengths and assets, as well as the sources of conflict and challenges, within

your network of important people, close relationships, and key connections.

4) Finally, indicate what you have learned concerning issues you may need to be aware of in

your own interpersonal relational styles and dynamics and in your styles of pastoral/

spiritual care-giving.

Length: 6-7 pages

Organized by Myth 

1. Introduction:

1. Opening: carrying on the "stories metaphor" and what myths I fall into overall.

2. Structure of the paper: What Myths I fall into 

1. How the myth developed

2. the socio-economic, cultural, historical, and religious context involved

3. Anxieties that occur because of it and how they are addressed 

2. Personal Myths

1. Examine each myth and how it came to be

2. how they manifest: behavior, anxieties, conflicts, and consequences (closeness vs distance)

3. How I self differentiated

3. "Family" Myths

1.  Examine each myth and how it came to be

2. how they/might manifest: behavior, anxieties, conflicts, and consequences (closeness vs distance)

3. How I self differentiated/plan to self differentiate 

4. Ministry Myths 

1.  Examine each myth and how it came to be

2. how they/might manifest: behavior, anxieties, conflicts, and consequences (closeness vs distance)

3. How I self differentiated/plan to self differentiate 

5. Conclusion:

1. Summary

2. Reauthoring and room for improvement

3. The importance of self care

Citation/Bibliography

Lartey, Emmanuel Y., and Hellena Moon, eds. Postcolonial Images of Spiritual Care: 

Challenges of Care in a Neoliberal Age. Eugene, OR: Pickwick Publications, 2020. 

Friedman, Edwin H.. Generation to Generation : Family Process in Church and Synagogue. New York: Guilford Publications, 1985.  ProQuest Ebook Central.

Wimberly, Edward P. Recalling Our Own Stories: Spiritual Renewal for Religious Caregivers. 

Minneappolis: Fortress Press, 2019. 978-1506454771