blah blah blog (my blog of everything): Notes from Generation to Generation

Introduction:

... involved in three distinct families: the families within the congregation, our congregations, and our own [family]. Because the emotional process in all of these systems is identical, unresolved issues in any of them can produce symptoms in the other, and increased understanding of any one creates more effective functioning in all three. (1)
From a family systems point of view , stress is less the result of some quantitative notion such as "overwork" and more the effect of our position in the triangle of our families. (1)
"The family model, on the other hand, conceptualizes a system's problems in terms of an imbalance that must have occurred in the network of its various relationships, no matter what the nature of the individual personalities [as opposed to pitting character traits of people against one other]" - Friedman 23
The basic question family theory always asks, therefore, is not do these personalities fit, but, rather, what has happened to the fit that was there? Why has the symptoms surfaced now? This is not a static concept, but a dynamic one, as when a thermostat controls the temperature balance, not at a fixed point but within a range. - Friedman 23
Two types of interdependence

Series - If one component goes bad, they all go bad. If one is depressed, the others are as well or all overcompensate. less togetherness, more stuck-togetherness. Friedman 25
parallel - different components are less dependent on each other, when one person is in dysfunction they are able to heal independently and more easily. - Friedman 26
No family is totally in series or parallel, but on a continuum between extremes, with most families closer tot he series end. - Friedman 26

Generally the human component of a family system have the capacity for some self- differentiation, the capacity for some awareness of their own position in the relationship system, how it is affected by balancing forces, and how change in each individual's functioning can in turn influence that homeostasis. - Friedman 27
... differentiation means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own life's goals and values apart from surrounding togetherness pressures, to say "I" when others are demanding "you" and "we". It includes to maintain the capacity.... for maximum responsibility of one's own destiny and emotional being... the concept should not be confused with autonomy or narcissism. differentiation means the capacity to be an "I" while still connected. - Friedman 27

While still living at home, I attempted to self differentiate which through off the homeostasis of our system. In the end I was not able to achieve self differentiation, so I had to achieve autonomy instead.
This does not mean I would have more problems or be less functioning as a person but it would mean I am less equipped to handle crisis and seek to restore homeostasis as fast as possible instead of being open to change. (28)
Self differentiation allows for total independence in a relationship, while the opposite breeds codependency. Most couples are closer to the latter but fall in the middle - paraphrased - page 29

Anxious systems are less likely to allow for differentiated leaders, leaderless systems are more likely to be anxious. (29) - instead of coaching the leader to leave, coach them to stand firm in their goals/values/differentiation and that strength will ease anxiety once resistance dies down leading to healing.
Differentiation from generational patterns = breaking generational curses. What he describes on page 32. All three of my sisters have done this... we have a generational curses of childhood abuse, mental illness, sexual assault, and low to lower-middle socio-economic class. While none of us escaped sexual assault or mental illness, my twin sister has broken the generational curse of economic status and is determined to break the cycle of child abuse and neglect. To break the latter cycle both my younger sister and I have decided to be child free - myself going so far as to get sterilized.

The most significant aspect of the extended family field is the role it can play in the process of self differentiation. the position we occupy in our family of origin is the only ting we can never share or give to another while we are still alive. It is the source of our uniqueness, and, hence, our basic parameter for emotional potential as well as our difficulties. (34)

Emotional triangle is formed by any three persons or issues....basic law of emotional triangles is that when two parts of a system become uncomfortable with one another they will "triangle in" or focus on a third person or issue to stabilize their own relationship with one another. A person may be said to be "triangled" if he or she gets caught in the middle of such an unresolved issue....the emotional triangle focuses on the process rather than content- Friedman 36

When family members use physical distance to solve problems of emotional interdependency, the result is always temporary, or includes a transference of of the problem to another relationship system. - 40
For it is the feedback of an anxious other that gives any chronic condition its shape and continuity, and thus, its homeostasis. Where the person in the feedback position (me) can he helped to reduce his or her anxiety about the others condition and to change his or her way of adapting or reacting to the symptom.... the problem will seem to get worse at first and it will take longer to go back to its previous best. Related here is the notion that it is not possible to eliminate any chronic condition without going through a phase that is acute. - 47

Example on 49 demonstrates this... "I will stop trying to force your hand to resolve the issue, instead I remove myself from the triangle by taking X measures and you can continue to do what it is that makes me anxious" - I did this with Jimmie.

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