SAT #2

OK SO i have signed up to take the SAT for a second time.


date: November 2
center:

• E CAROLINA U
• ECU TESTING CENTER
• GREENVILLE, NC 27858

and my scored from last time:

reading: 550

math:570

writing: 540

blarg

so...still think i'm getting sick. I tied to go to bed around 8 last night and i couldn't. i tossed and turned till about 9:45, then watched the last bit of an episode of family guy. so i tried again to go to sleep at 10, tossed and turned till EVENTUALLY i fell asleep. then woke up at like....1:20? went back to sleep. woke up at 4 something...went back to sleep. Smokey woke me up at 6, went back to sleep and then got up at 6:30. he only time i actually had a pleasant sleep where i rested, was after 4.  lovely.

my stomach is upset, i feel slightly dizzy at times, i need to eat but don't feel like it or have the energy to, my muscles still have the sick feeling, i can't smell sickness or taste it though, so thats good. i have a mild headache and i just overall feel BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGY and squigly.

i want to sleep.
i want to cuddle.
i want to listen to Lana Del Ray.

that is all i want right now.... and hat is one of the ways i know i'm sick :/

er...getting sick.

lovely.
~tootles

sick?

i feel like i'm geting sick.
earlier i could smell it faintly on my skin, i can feel it a little bit in my chest, i feel it in my muscles, i can taste in in my mouth now, and i'm exhausted. i feel the loopiness and grogginess starting in my head. i feel like crap:/

review: riddick

ok, so..riddick? MAJOR disappointment.  ok...so...almost NO plot... there was only like 10 minutes of necro-mancer time.... and if they are going to have a lesbian character KEEP HER LESBIAN. that part irked me...i really respected her till she did the whole "now let me ask you something all sweet like..." ugghhhh.

movie quality was good. great acting. so out of 10 i'd give...

pitch black: 10
chronicles of riddick: 10
riddick: 6.5

guess what?

hey...heyheyheyheyhey guess what? guess what?




I MADE IT!!!!!!! I MADE IT INTO THE TALENT SHOW!!!!!

Auditions....

so... i aditioned for my school talent show today :) i was super nervous, but  i think i did fairly well. i only sang two verses of the song and i messed up a bit, but my voice was better than i  expected :D



for some reason my keyboard will only type if i hold my mouse down and then type, but if i let go, it stops typing??? what should i do???

what lesbians think of bisexual women - responce

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUozcqlhX3w
http://youtu.be/XUXzNowXVwo
http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/23/op-ed-why-we-need-bi-pride-day

this pisses me off. there is nothing wrong with bi-sexuals. honestly what is wrong with you people!!!
its not possible to like both sexes? so its possible to like only one gender, but not both? what about pansexuals? are you going to call them liars too? WAKE UP YOU JERKS!!!

homosexuality is real and wonderful. Bisexuality is real and wonderful. Pansexuality is real and wonderful.
Transexuality is real and wonderful. Non-sexuality is real and wonderful.

all is love and love is all.


~peace.

comparison

Alright, so remember how i compared Yahweh to my gods as form of teachers?
Yahweh being the wolf and my gods being the coyote?
well here is another comparison. 

According to my viewd Yahweh is a fatherly type, but is is a very bipolar god. He is lvong, but then he is harsh and judgmental. He punishes harshly and is jealous. he is a teacher, yet he is a bit cold. He is powerful and power hungry, wanting all the attention to himself. He is not evil, although he uses scare tactics and threats to get his followers (hell). He views his followers as below him...

My gods, some of them can be harsh, but they are generally pretty fair. and i quote from a website:
" It's rare to find a Pagan or Wiccan who sees the gods as judgmental or punishing. Instead, most view the gods as beings that are meant to be walked beside, hand in hand, and honored." I feel like the gods would rather us be respectful, but not completely obedient... after all where is the fun in that?

spell vs prayer

Prayers vs. Spells

A prayer is a request. It's where you go directly to the Universe, the Goddess, Allah, Yahweh,Herne, Apollo, or whoever you may be hoping will help out, and you ask them point blank, "Please help me with _______________."

A spell, on the other hand, is a command. It's the redirection of energy, causing a change, to conform with your will. While you may ask a god or goddess for a little extra mojo in your spellwork, it's not always necessary. In a spell, the power comes from within the caster. In a prayer, the power comes from the gods.

Who can you pray to?

You can pray to anyone you like. You can pray to a god, a goddess, or the Grand High Poobah of the Toaster Oven. Pray to whoever -- or whatever -- is most likely to take an interest in your dilemma. If you're working on protection of your home, for example, you may wish to call upon Vesta or Brighid, both guardians of the hearth. If you're about to enter into a nasty conflict, perhaps Mars, the god of war, would be willing to step in for a bit of fun.

Some people pray simply to spirits -- spirits of the earth, of the sky, of the sea, etc.

In addition to praying to gods or spirits, some Pagans and Wiccans pray to their ancestors, and that's perfectly acceptable too. You may see your ancestors as a specific individual (dear Uncle Bob who died in Vietnam, or your great great great grandpa who settled the frontier, etc.) or you may see them as archetypes. Either way, go with what works best for your tradition.

Madison's party

so saturday night Madison had her 17th birthday party.... and i danced (of coarse ;D) and played truth or dare. Well as per usual at madi's parties i felt really flirty. That coupled with a dare (to get in this guys face so close that we would be almost touching noses for 30 seconds, which as science has proven that if you look into someone's eyes for so long you develop a slight attraction) got me in a mood to just have fun without thinking.  so... later, we ended up playing spin the bottle. it was my first time and i was like, honestly? when am i going to get another chance to play? so i played. I ended up kissing him like 3 times, and i kissed this chick twice.

and they both kissed very similarly.... and their style was very different than mine LOL it was kinda odd. to be honst i really want to kiss them sme more so i can learn this new style of kissing.

talent show

So..... i'm planning to audition for  the school talent show. i'm planning on singing (eek!) "the maiden and the selkie" by heather dale. My friend Madison and her mom will be giving me musical accompaniment.  Madison will  play a hand drum and her mom will play the acoustic guitar. i amm soooooooo nervous!

why am i even there?

so yesterday the reason i was getting depressed was because of tennis. I am not very valuable to the team.... i have played for 4 years and i am still not in the top 6. I don't bring in that many wins, if i play at all. I try to encourage and help the other girls but its like they don't even notice. 

why am i even part of the team? Its not like i help the team itself... i don't contribute much. 

Anything i do is strictly emotional type stuff. i give encouragement, i try to always smile, and bring good energy. but if i'm no there, that stuff still gets done. The girls can encourage each other and micheleada is always smiling. 

the girl i help with math? Madie? there is a math wiz on the team who can help her, even if she doesn't explain it as well as i do. 

To the team itself i bring very little, so why am i even there? 

All i do is take up sopace, bring people water, get on people's nerves, and use up woolards money (he pays for me to eat whenever we have an away game), i mean, c'mon... 

uuugh wtf?

OK i swaer i feel like i am off my meds.

Yesterday i was borderline depressed, today i just want to kill something. i'm highly irritable and anxious and i just don't give a flying flip about anything. i just want to take my racket and shoot balls at people. i feel like a troll and everyone is walking over my bridge but i can't do anything about it. I literally want to scare/hurt someone.....

i don't want to do my class work.
i feel like i'm in a toaster oven.
i want to growl and hiss.
i want to just sleep in a cool place with sunlight shining on me.


and then yesterday i was all annoyed and depressed and shirt. (i'm at school)


and now i find out that Jake's mom has to go through 3 months of chemo. and she might have to have a feeding tube.

And then last night i had a dream that i was at this dorm type thing with some friends and then Ashley (the really cute girl from FB) came in and crawled onto my bed. We watched something, anime i think, and she was laying on top of my back, with her arms around me. fast forward a bit past some slightly heated sensations and she leaves, as i walk her out my friend Reba pulls me aside into the bathroom and asks "Are you cheating on Jake?" i answer "no" while thinking "yet". And then i actually felt a little bit of guilt and shame.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH....

coyote vs wolf

So i heard something yesterday that made me think.

in exodus 14: 10-15

God sends a message to the Israelite to do three things.

• Do not fear (i'll be your shield)
• stand still (i'll take care of it for you)
• go forward (i'll help you along the way)

my gods would have been like:

• Do not fear (i'll give you a spear and shield)
• Stand still (an listen.... Athena and Morrigan will teach you how to fight)
• Go forward (we'll pick you up if you fall to deep to pick yourself up)

In native american culture there 2  types of teachers. the wolf and the coyote. 

wolf will tell you right away "the fire is hot."

coyote will say "touch it. its hot? now you know." and then will laugh with you, so you do not feel too foolish.

The Christian God seems more like the wolf, my gods are more like the coyote. and this is good because i think i learn best this way.

not good enough?

So, jake's mom doesn't think i am good enough for him. She likes me as a person, but doesn't like me as his girlfriend. I';m not ambitious enough, and she doesn't see me being successful enough for him. She doesn't like that i don't have a major all planned out.  She wants him to date someone in like a business major, or some one who is as active in clubs and volunteering and crap like that.  excuse me? i do have a major...grant it  I don't plan to major in something that will bring in lots of money, which means i'm not good enough, but i do have a major picked out. i volunteer when i can during the summer at the food bank. and i'm trying to get a job!! i have a job interview this week! i mean... i am a great person.... but she wants himt o date someone smarter,prettier, and who is more likely to succeed than me. ouch. but its nothing personal right? i'm just not good enough for her son.

FOR PHIL WOOLARD

So the othewr day in English we read a pem called "elegy for Jane (my student thrown from a horse")

"Elegy For Jane

(My student, thrown by a horse)

I remember the neckcurls, limp and damp as tendrils;
And her quick look, a sidelong pickerel smile;
And how, once started into talk, the light syllables leaped for her.
And she balanced in the delight of her thought,
A wren, happy, tail into the wind,
Her song trembling the twigs and small branches.
The shade sang with her;
The leaves, their whispers turned to kissing,
And the mould sang in the bleached valleys under the rose.

Oh, when she was sad, she cast herself down into such a pure depth,
Even a father could not find her:
Scraping her cheek against straw,
Stirring the clearest water.
My sparrow, you are not here,
Waiting like a fern, making a spiney shadow.
The sides of wet stones cannot console me,
Nor the moss, wound with the last light.

If only I could nudge you from this sleep,
My maimed darling, my skittery pigeon.
Over this damp grave I speak the words of my love:
I, with no rights in this matter,
Neither father nor lover."

- Theodore Roethke


i was inspired to write a poem in responce. how i came up with this poem: i imagined what if i tied suddenly ? which teacher would i want to write to? simple: Woolard (My tennis coach/world history teacher). so if/when i die i want woolard to read this.


To My Teacher by Lisa Sawyer

Everything you did,
I appreciated.
All your help and smiles
were not wasted.
I wish i knew how
to pay you back,
but it seems that ability
is one that i lack.
Thank you! So very much!!
more than you know!
I wish i could show you
before i'm to go,
just how much you
really meant to me,
but time moved too fast
and now i'm set free.


i love you Woolard :)

who could you be?

so you know the little rhyme

___ and ____

sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G, 

first comes love, 

then comes marriage,

then comes a baby,

In a baby carriage.

well how about this?

Well, well, well,

who can you be, 

R-E-V-E-N-G-E 

First comes me,

The comes death,

Then I’ll let you,

Figure out the rest.

hm...

I think i might have a mild case of derealization.
 Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional coloring and depth.[1] It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions, such as psychiatric and neurological disorders, and not a standalone disorder.
Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside world, while depersonalization is unreality in one's sense of self. Although most authors currently regard derealization (surroundings) and depersonalization (self) as independent constructs, many do not want to separate derealization from depersonalization.[2] The main reason for this is nosological, because these symptoms often co-occur, but there is another, more philosophical reason: the idea that the phenomenological experience of self, others, and world is one continuous whole. Thus, feelings of unreality may blend in and the person may puzzle over deciding whether it is the self or the world that feels unreal to them.
The detachment of derealization can be described as an immaterial substance that separates a person from the outside world, such as a sensory fog, pane of glass, or veil. Individuals may complain that what they see lacks vividness and emotional coloring. Emotional response to visual recognition of loved ones may be significantly reduced. Feelings of déjà vu or jamais vu are common. Familiar places may look alien, bizarre, and surreal. The world as perceived by the individual may feel like it is going through a dolly zoom effect. Such perceptual abnormalities may also extend to the senses of hearing, taste, and smell. The degree of familiarity one has with their surroundings is among one's sensory and psychological identity, memory foundation and history when experiencing a place. When a person is in a state of derealization, they block this identifying foundation from recall. This "blocking effect" creates a discrepancy of correlation between one's perception of one's surroundings during a derealization episode, and what that same individual would perceive in the absence of a derealization episode.
Frequently, derealization occurs in the context of constant worrying or 'intrusive thoughts' that one finds hard to switch off. In such cases it can build unnoticed along with the underlying anxiety attached to these disturbing thoughts, and be recognized only in the aftermath of a realization of crisis, often a panic attack, subsequently seeming difficult or impossible to ignore. This type of anxiety can be crippling to the affected and may lead to avoidant behavior. Those who experience this phenomenon may feel concern over the cause of their derealization. It is often difficult to accept that such a disturbing symptom is simply a result of anxiety, and the individual may often think that the cause must be something more serious. This can, in turn, cause more anxiety and worsen the derealization. Derealization also affects the learning process. Because the individual almost sees the events as if in 3rd person, they cannot properly process information.

People suffering from derealization have described feeling as if the world external to them were something in a TV show or movie, or as if they were viewing it through a TV screen. This, and other similar feelings attendant to derealization, can cause a sensation of alienation and distance between the person suffering from derealization and others around them. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization)

and i have already closed too many tabs to cite my other information, but i'v done some reading. what is bolded is what i have expierienced.

all is well

all is well with jake...no more anger, its all good!

new song in progress? based off previous blog

reality is happiness,
memories both good and bad
reality is poison,
killing the soul who lingers too long
reality is neutral,
it doesn't go for or against you
reality is a prison,
for the soul who doesn't belong.


i'll be locked inside this prison,
chocking on this poison,
wishing for a way out.
can you hear my soul crying?
suffocating, dying?
can no one hear me shout?
till then i'll wait,
hoping for a fate,
that will grant me freedom!
and i'll see you all around,
but one way or another,
i'll find a way out.

reality is...

reality is happiness,
memories both good and bad
reality is poison,
killing the soul who lingers too long
reality is neutral,
it doesn't go for or against you
reality is a prison,
for the soul who doesn't belong.





well, i got hit with some reality that kind of made me want to puke. i don't think the car accident will happen. i am petrified. Latley there have been some close calls with vehicles and me... i was thinking about this with some form of hope and confirmation when BAM! it hit me. its not coming. what do i do? panic set in and i felt like i was going to trow up. i still am in a mild state of shock. i am hoping i'm wrong. hoping that it will come. hoping that i'll die. soon. but i think that doubt is kicking in. what if i formed up this car accident in a way to give myself an escape? now,. what if the escape doesn't come? that is my worst fear.

"reality is a prison for the soul who doesn't belong" i don't feel like my soul belongs here, not for much longer... and as the due date for my departure draws closer, i am afraid that i'll miss my chance, or it will be delayed, or it won't even happen. i'll be locked in this prison, chocking on this poison, wishing for a way out.

sexxxxx

so, as i have just explained to a friend of mine: jake is not having sex with me. ever. or at least not any time soon.
when he needs anything like that, which he prolly won't say anything, then he can always call up his ex. their relationship was basically all physical, so why not?

he can have sex with her, and i would be totally fine with it.

i will not have sex with a guy. ever. unless, of coarse, to make a baby.

He's in the Dog house

So, jake has really pissed me off. (i'm am school. so again i have to improvise my writing) He was being a "Dick's Sporting Goods" to my sister Racheal. We got invited to Kasey's Mini Birthday party and we both wanted to go. Only, Jake said that Racheal would be a "bad fifth wheel", so . What we found out later was that racheal's boyfriend was also invited, only Jake didn't pass that fact on, so no we didn't know. meaning, racheal wouldn't have been a fifth wheel and wouldn't have been left out and could have come. Jake pretty much made sure racheal didn't feel welcome to come. Pansy move, jake.

So then, when Kasey and I confront him about that, he says that he was sure he had told her, and if not then he must have forgot.  I'm not sure, because i havn't read the message, but he might have sent it afterward, or kasey did, but it was too late for racheal to come because she had made plans. SO THEN when the jerk brings me home, he tells her "Sorry... not really". BUTTHOLE. DONKEY.

her feelings are really hurt. i am pissed.

and his excuse?
"i wanted to spend alone time with you" and that he is under "football stress". i don't give a flying flip. he hurt racheal. i am pissed. he is in the doghouse.

netflix

So, netflix has this new thing where households can have several people on one account. well, you have to go through the internet browser and connect on the website that way to do it. My laptop has a free nextflix app where i can watching instant movies and shows easily, no freezing nd no hassle. it doesn't have the separate accounts like on the wii. fuck. so i had to uninstall my app, and i have to watch MY instant que online, with pop-ups, tabs showing, page freezing, and slow connection. great.

Tired and unloading.

i am so tired. more tired than i have been in a long time. I have so much to do, so much to worry about, so much stress, and all i want to do is curl up and sleep. I don't care about school or hanging out with friends, i just want to sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.

Yesterday i was so tired that half way through my match, i was so tired my arms quite working right and many of my shots went into the net because it didn't have enough strength in it. tired. i went home, showred, ate,did the dishes, then went to bed.

Several things could have caused this: i havn't been sleeping the best latley, i didn't eat that much yesterday, stress, and not listening to my spirit. When the spirit is out of balance or if a chakra is blocked then fatigue is a symptom. The solar plexus/sacral chakra is the one that leads to fatigue. The sacral chakra is the one that is connected to Creativity, Sexuality, Relationships, and Pleasure. (i havn't been that creative lately, i have no sex drive, i have been distant from my boyfriend, and i am now pretty numb to everthing at the moment)This goes along with what i believe is causing my spirit to be unbalanced.

Jake. We have been going out almost two months now. since realizing i am a lesbian, this is the longest relationship i have been in with a guy. I am craving female companionship and interactions. i think if i were to hook up with a girl, (not have sex with, just a really good make-out session?) then i would feel better. Of course jake would not be OK with this.... which is the only reason i havn't seriously been looking. however, i i have naturally been looking for a girl. I have been looking in my dreams. I havn't Lezed out yet, but if i continue like this, it is only a matter of time.

It is affecting my physically now. My imbalance.
i want to be with jake. my body and spirit don't. reality wants me to grow up and go to college, get a job, etc;my mind and spitit don't want to.

i have anxiety.stress.now i am encredibly tired. i am getting hot and cold flashes. i don't want to be near jake. but i love him. i am so tired tat i can't even think right now.
~peace

milk

so...today...at lunch... i had a sip of sour milk..... it tasted horrible....and now i have a feeling, that i might....uh... how do i say it...

lolololololol not that badly, but yeah. i feel like my guts are filled with..idk....icky stuff and



the floodgates are late

so....my abdomin and guts feel like crap :/

Old Man Tree by Omnia

I met a man who was a tree
Did I see him or he see me?
Standing there majestically
Tree and me...

The smell of sun on autumn leaves
He said take good care of all you see
Praise the earth down on your knees
That's what the old man sang to me

He sang
Heya Heya Heya
Heya Heya heya
Hey Hey Hey Heya
Heya Hey

Life left you a broken boy, man
To fight the war an angry young man
Now it's time to be a shaman
Take these wings and learn to fly man

I lost my grip and took a trip
On a magic mushroom rocket ship
Rode the waves and didn't flip
The rainbow-flavoured astral trip

Heya Heya Heya
Heya Heya heya
Hey Hey Hey Heya
Heya Hey

The words they flow like melody
Through gnarly old man/tree and me
From root to bone from him to me
Just like the river to the sea
Now I am he as tree is me
And I'm not here and so is he
'Cause in my mind I'm always free
Just like tree that sang to me


The first shall never be the last
There is no future and no past
Put brother Flame to sister Grass
Let's celebrate the Pagan mass

Heya Heya Heya
Heya Heya heya
Hey Hey Hey Heya
Heya Hey 2x

The words they flow like melody
Through gnarly old man/tree and me
From root to bone from him to me
Just like the river to the sea
Now I am he as tree is me
And I'm not here and so is he
'Cause in my mind I'm always free
Just like the tree that sang to me

Heya Heya Heya
Heya Heya heya
Hey Hey Hey Heya
Heya Hey 2x

Heey

she returrns!!!

Ashley messaged me out of the lue. we sent one email to eachother, and she never replied. guess where she contacted me?  FACEBOOK oh yeah~ now i can talk to her all the time! :D